Anyone else feel like the ugly one in your relationship?

[looklikeapotato]

So, my DH and I have been married 22 years. We have always been a decent looking couple. Not gorgeous by any means but an okay looking couple (no-one is batting for example) We have both kept ourselves nice, stayed fit and healthy and taken care of our appearance. That is until about 4 years ago. I hit perimenopause and, like many women, became a shadow of my former self.

I started gaining weight on my tummy, developed bad skin, my hair lost its shine, started getting debilitating joint pain that stopped me being so active leading to more weight gain, and so on and so forth.

Added to which, during the last 4 years our eldest DC met and married a guy from Europe and moved there to live with him and our youngest went down South to Uni. My beloved Mum died suddenly and without warning and then last year my Dad also died suddenly and without warning. So I have been in a pit of grief and despair and not been in the best position mentally to focus on myself and my life feels like it has spiralled out of control.

We are currently having a few days away and on getting up this morning to get ready for the day I took a look at myself in the mirror and I barely recognise the potato looking back at me. Apron belly, saggy skin, dull lack lustre hair and I feel awful. I pulled on my legging and a baggy t-shirt as its the only thing I feel remotely comfortable in.

Then in strides my gorgeous healthy husband whose skin looks sun kissed from the last couple of days. He is slim as ever and still has a 6 pack and his lightly greying hair makes him look amazing. He goes to the gym several times a week and rides his bike on weekends and is a picture of health and happiness.

I feel a little jealous that he looks and feels amazing still in his mid fifties when I have transformed into a frumpy unfit mess and I feel like this is not what he signed up for. His fit healthy active decent looking wife has all but disappeared.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that there is no point just sitting here moaning about my bad few years and that I need to regain control of my life but I just wanted a moan and a rant and wondered if there was anyone out there that felt the same way. Anyone else feel like the ugly one??

I get you..

I've never bothered much about my appearance but definitely having to now.

Over the last couple of years I have made quite a few changes

• lifting weights at gym and classes. Look and feel so much better (I have rheumatoid arthritis and it helps support aching joints too)
• better haircut and using glossing not hair dye
• moisturise religiously
• good foundation. The Jones Road range from Bobbi Brown is excellent
• better quality clothes. More tailored and more colours.

I'm still ageing fast but feeling like I'm putting up a decent fight

@Secondstart1001thank you I have disc issues and arthritis in my lumbar joints. I’m under Ortho at hospital. I’m trying to re build my strength after a prolapsed disc left me unable to walk for several days. Also on strong meds I’m trying to reduce. It’s hard not only do I feel less attractive but I’ve become very reliant on dh

Oh and cut down on processed foods and alcohol.

Yep!

I know, its time to fight it. To be honest the last 4 years I have had very little fight in me after losing both parents. I didn't even realise how much I had changed until this last couple of days. I ignored it all. But its been a bit of a shock as my DH has gone out for walks in jeans and nice tops and nice trainers and I have been in leggings and a baggy t-shirt because I am so ashamed of how much I have left myself go.

Time to make plan. 💪

@autisticbookworm toi should start your own thread too and get some support, I am happy for you to pm
me if you need someone to talk to x

Thank you!

I am definitely going to pull myself together and sort myself out. I can't go on like this and I feel a bit ashamed when I am out with him as he just looks gorgeous and healthy and I look like a lump. Time to change. 💪

Thank you. I absolutely do need to do this. I am formulating a plan for my own glow up. 😊

Luckily my DH is very supportive and I know he loves me whatever I look like and he is always attracted to me and tells me so. But I need to do this for me. So that I can feel better about myself.

It’s often very true.

One thing will definitely help - exercise. I threw myself into it when my lovely mum died and it’s the only thing that got me through. If your pain is such that you can’t then try and focus on healthy eating and get the inflammation down - this should imorove your pains. But above all be gentle on yourself - all sounds so devastating for you ❤️

No, we both work hard, share the chores and cooking and our DC's have both left home so we are empty nesters. We have the same amount of spare time. He goes to the gym or rides his bike and in mine I have been dealing with other 'life stuff'. After my Dad's death the family house has needed work doing so I have been project managing that which has taken so much of my time. Unfortunately I haven't been prioritising myself at all. I know this needs to change and I need to get my shit together.

Definitely exercise is the key at this age. I'm 55 and looking better than I've ever done. I joined a lovely supportive gym and do a yoga pilates or body balance class most days. There are lots of women my age or older there who look incredible so it's definitely a motivation for me. You can do it op 💪

Get some weights, some retinol, some new make up, have your hair cut and buy some clothes you love and that have structure and fit. Take vit d daily and have a blood test for anything else. You will feel better. I’m sorry for your losses, you had parents you loved and who loved you and had them into your 50s and you still have a solid marriage and your kids are settled. These are pretty good things to have in your 50s

I'm going grey with middle age spread but DH has no grey and the weight is falling off him even though he doesn't go to the gym and drinks a lot. We are the same age (50s).

I am fighting though - hair cut, coloured & blow dried, gym, watch what I eat, nails done. Although no clothes suite me, ever

I can relate to this OP. DH and I have been together for 28 years, married for 21. When we met I'd say we were a similar level of attractiveness. Since then, I've put on a couple of stone in weight whereas he weighs exactly the same. He's not balding or greying. Tbf my hair is still thick and shiny... it's really just the weight issue for me. I like the idea of fighting it, it's hard to find the time but I guess I need to make time!

Get some fitted clothes for your shape, home treat and condition your hair, book a make over at boots. Fight back!! I was there and I fought back and I feel better than ever, I’m still loosing weight but I am getting there. And for what it’s worth I’m sure you are lovely and your husband doesn’t see the flaws the way you do

I brought a few pairs of bootcut jeans from M&S and a pair of courderoy ones from Mango - very flattering and in at the moment and has helped with my new weight … I am still a size 8 but a larger one right now :(

Are you on HRT OP? I found that really helped, mainly with sleep.

On a good nights sleep I can burn through my To Do list, do a couple of dog walks, go to the gym and still have energy for engaging chat with friends etc.

When menopause hit, I was getting a handful of hours of sleep a night and was fit for nothing. That becomes a vicious circle because I was exercising less, so feeling less physically exhausted, feeling worse about myself, in my head more and that kept me awake.

But between HRT, regular exercise, collagen and magnesium supplements and a massive increase in my protein intake, I probably look better now than I did five years ago (& have more energy too).

Why do you need ‘time’ to eat less but better @Buttonknot? (Exercise won’t reduce your weight, though it will tone and strengthen.) The basic thing of losing weight is … different.

I highly doubt you’re less attractive to anyone else because of a couple of stone extra. But it does make clothes awkward. Have you tried intermittent fasting? I find a 16:8 regime of only eating between 8am and 4pm guarantees noticeable weight loss over two or three months. And once you get into it, it’s easy to maintain.

This is so sad to read, please don't buy into the patriarchal bollocks about men aging like a fine wine. They don't, they age exactly the same way women do. They go bald, they go grey, they get wrinkles and a paunchy middle with knobbly legs with varicose veins etc. Its just they are allowed to, women are expected to look no older than about 35 otherwise they are ugly hags.
Absolutely spend time getting fit and healthy for yourself but do not think for one second that you are in anyway less attractive than men because its simply not true.

Lots of great comments on this thread

One thing I'm suffering so much with is my hair being thinner and dry...

Interesting that a pp said glossing? What is that??

Well that's a fair point @HoxtHun (about not needing time to eat better). I guess I need inspiration rather than time - maybe I can pick up on some of the suggestions on this thread! I have tried IF in the past, but it didn't really work for me (I dropped a few pounds to begin with and then plateaued).

Yet it's women who criticise other women and women who claim men age better.

Ageing and social commentary therein are not related to patriarchal bollox.

Some really great suggestions on this thread. Thanks.

I have had a busy morning and have taken on a few suggestions already:

Booked an appointment with the hairdresser for a colour and cut
Booked an appointment with my optician to look at going back to wearing contact lenses.
Requested an appointment with my GP to discuss HRT.
Sat and planned meals for next week and have done an online food shop with healthy fresh food, fruit and vegetables.
Dug my skipping rope and my weights out of the shed.
Currently looking at the Reverse Health Pilates stuff as I think this might be a good place to start seeing as though I haven't worked out for a little while.
Ordered some collagen, magnesium and perimenopause supplements.
Ordered some new skin care products.

That's a good start.

I underestimated how difficult this stage of life would be. The last 4 years has been a struggle and an uphill battle. With perimenopause kicking my ass, my kids both leaving home, and both my parents dying suddenly, its certainly been a trying and testing period for me. I guess something had to give and unfortunately its meant that I have not been taking very good care of myself.

Time for change. Thanks everyone 🤗

Make changes OP. Last year I started a new medication that put me into a medical menopause and for the first three months I felt absolutely awful with no energy, low moods and easily teary. I can’t take HRT so when looking at things to help the only things I could do was exercise and eat more healthily. It’s been so good for me! Mentally and physically. I feel string and healthy. I’ve lost weight and just feel better in myself with lots more energy.

My DH is very handsome and ageing so well, I’m not going down without a fight!!

Astonishing start!