Traumatised from Mum hitting teacher

[Whewhew]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for from this post, probably just a place to write it down to try and work through it.

Background... I had a very difficult childhood. I won't go into detail however to give you an idea of how difficult it was, my ACE score was 10.

I've had lots of therapy as an adult to work through this however there is one memory that seems to haunt me for some reason.

At the age of 5 I had a minor dispute over some stationary with another child in my class. I noticed this other child using what I thought was my stationary and I snatched it off them and refused to give it back. As a result my Mum was called in for a meeting with the head.

I very VIVIDLY remember standing in the head teachers office with my MUM, I remember the teachers name and exactly how she looked that day. Baring in mind this was over 30 years ago. There was a disagreement between my Mum and the head and the next thing I remember is my Mum attacking the teacher and punching her multiple times. There was blood everywhere and I was hysterical, as was the teacher understandably.

After that I was treated really badly by the rest of the teachers. They obviously took their hate for my mother out on me. It makes me so sad thinking of what I went through and I genuinely can't believe that professionals in such a position could treat a child that way.

I'm now an adult and living a "normal" life. I have children a similar age and it seems to have brought all these memories back with a vengeance.

I now have friends that are teachers and the thought of them being attacked at their place of work is absolutely horrifying. The thought of a child witnessing this and then being subject to horrible treatment from the school is also horrifying.

There's obviously nothing I can do about this and I understand I am not to blame for my mother's actions however I still feel very responsible for the whole thing. No amount of therapy seems to make me feel otherwise. I guess these feelings come with a traumatic childhood. I wish I could just erase these memories from my head completely.

Have you tried EMDR?

I am so sorry the teachers reacted that way towards you 💐all of the adults let you down so badly. Well done for working hard in therapy, please be kind to yourself about your understandable feelings around it.

Yes. I've tried it a few times over the years but it hasn't really helped much.

It’s not your fault

You should be incredibly proud of yourself for having a “normal” life now x

Hi OP, I am really upset on your behalf that the teachers were mean to you because of what your Mum did. They should have been able to see it as two totally different things. Especially as professional adults. Your Mum was in the wrong that day but that was not your fault. I think you have done really well to grow up and get some perspective on this and I hope your children have lovely caring teachers.

I think things were very different back then to what they are now. I doubt very much that this would be tolerated from the teachers.

I have managed to create a safe and happy life for my children and I am giving them the childhood I always dreamed of.

Thankfully they are completely oblivious what that life and behaviour is like and they have lovely supportive teachers.

I do feel an immense guilt every time I engage with the school. I'm probably overly nice to the staff due to my past, to try and make up for it. Hopefully I will find a good balance one day.

Do you still have contact with your mother
Are there records from the school you could see?
were the police called- what was the aftermath?

In terms of responsibility, how do you compare your’s to your mother’s?

Thank you all for the support.

It's wild how some random strangers on the Internet can share some kind words and help you feel better.

I have been NC for many years and have moved hundreds of miles away from where I grew up.

A quick Google search doesn't show any results for the school so I'm wondering if it no longer exists?

As far as I remember I was taken by social work and stayed with other family for a while however I don't have solid memories of timescales. I do remember being off for a while as I had missed out on some class projects when I returned.

I'm assuming the police would have been called? But I have no way of knowing. My mum was often in and out of prison so my memories are sketchy with this.

OP, are you sure that this was the only time your mum was violent? It seems unlikely that she was calm and stable the rest of the time, if she attacked a teacher like this. I just mention it because you might have other events that caused you upset and distress.

You definitely deserve to speak to a therapist about this. It was a horrible story about you mum punching the teacher and I'm not surprised you have such an emotional response to the memory, after all these years.

You sound like a lovely mum to your DCs, but make sure you're looking after yourself as well. X

@PeppermintPatty10 No it wasn't the only time.

I didn't go into any detail regarding my childhood, only that my ACE score was 10, to give you a rough idea of what it was like.

She was a very violent woman and I have much worse stories from my childhood however, for some reason, this story is the one that haunts me. It's no where near the worst thing that happened but I think the fallout from that day and the suffering I endured as a result is what's causing my upset.

Hi OP. I just wanted to add my voice to the others saying i’m so sorry you went through this. I’m not surprised you’re traumatised by being exposed to such awful behaviour from so many adults who were supposed to keep you safe. You should be really proud of the life you’ve built for yourself - you sound like an amazing, determined person. But be kind to yourself, too - you’re going to have periods of feeling shit, because you had a really, really shit time as a kid. None of that was your fault, and the feelings you’re dealing with now aren’t your fault either, nor something you can control. Be patient with yourself. Painful feelings usually come in waves, I find - and the worst of the wave recedes again after a while. Just hang on.

God OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. As a child you would not have been able to process this event, not only the violence but the fallout and emotional response from the teachers. Likely you would have shut down to a certain extent and frozen in order to cope. It’s all very very traumatic. Have you heard of ‘trauma time?’ It’s when a traumatic moment freezes in us, we don’t process so we can’t move on, and so time doesn’t behave normally with a clear past/present/future. Instead events of the past can feel as near as if they just happened or are happening now. What is happening to you now sounds like the violent event has finally thawed and you are now trying to process and cope with a decades old event. Now you have the tools as an adult your body is trying to regulate by letting out the emotions and stress from
years ago. All I can say is that you will find a way to process and move past this. It won’t necessarily be easy, but the fact you are so articulate about your past and its effects, and actively working to heal yourself means you will. Have you read ‘Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’? The book literally changed my life. Wishing you so much luck in healing from this.

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm a primary teacher and if this would have happened to a pupil in my school, we would all have wrapped around the family with support and care, and done everything in our power to ensure both you and your mum were in the best hands possible. Especially you. You poor younger self.

Some years ago, I sought help for a traumatic chain of events which held me in a kind of vice-like grip of shame and rage. I was offered to try something the therapist was learning; a treatment called Matrix Reimprinting. It wasn't what I'd thought I'd be doing (I'd expected some kind of talking therapy) but I went along with it, and it really was quite an extraordinary process, and I still, more than 15 years later, reflect on the process and how it transformed my relationship to what had happened to me.

@Katbum I haven't heard of 'trauma time' but I feel that this explains exactly what I'm going through.

To see your description written down in words is mind blowing.

I'll be adding that book to my list. I'm currently working my way through "the body keeps score" and I'm finding it a really useful tool in understanding the trauma and the effects it has.

@WarmthAndDepth Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know that caring, understanding people do exist in the profession. It reassuring that people can see past the problems and see the bigger picture. Your pupils are lucky to have you.

I can't say I blame the teachers for their behaviour towards me. I have no doubt there was likely other events that I'm unaware of or unable to remember. They must have been terrified to see my family on the school run.

I am sorry to learn of your traumatic event, thank you for sharing your story with me. No one deserves these things in life. I will have to look up this type of therapy as I have never heard of it before. It seems promising.

If only I was able to apologise on my mother's behalf to that head teacher. It wouldn't takeaway what happened but no one deserves that behaviour. She deserves an apology.

This memory may stand out because it's the moment you realised no other adults had your back. Your mum showed her true colors that day, there was no way teachers could keep pretending they didn't see the abuse you were suffering. And instead of protecting you, they became abusers too.
If you have children in school age, you may be feeling fearful that if you don't "behave well" with authority figures, they will abuse your children lile they abused you.
It's really awful what you endured, I'm deeply sorry for you. It's the perfect example of evil winning because good people do nothing.

Sorry that you are hanging onto this memory, practice what counselling has taught you and be kind to yourself. You sound like you have overcome a terrible start to have a good life, be proud.

how about this idea, buy 2 x boxes of celebrations/hero’s. One for you and one for the school, if you can’t go to the actual school (you think it’s closed anyhow) give it your DC’s school, say it’s a thank you for the teachers. Enjoy the chocolates. Think of it as the Universe apologising to both you and the teachers.

It wasn't your fault in any way. The teacher who was attacked by your mum must have been terrified and it would have been traumatising for you and the other staff who were present. However, if their reaction was to take it out on you when you were a small child, obviously living in a completely abusive home, they shouldn't be in teaching.

You have done amazingly well to detach from your mum completely and to give your children the childhood that you deserved but never received.

You could also try writing a letter to the teacher, getting all of your feelings out that way. You could burn it afterwards/say a prayer/go on a walk and rip it up and watch it blow away, to symbolise letting it go and then each time you have the visceral reaction and memory, picture watching the letter burn/ float away. Deep breaths and hand movements at the same time, so your body releases the stress from the memory?

It really interesting that you answered all the questions except the last one.

Can you have a think about how you see the division of responsibility between the various people involved. How much do you give the five year old? And why?

I think often abused kids take on adult responsibilities in their mind as they've always had to be an adult and nobody has ever cared for them as a child, or made them feel like a cared for child, or made them feel like they come first. They just feel like they should take on everything.

I'd say let that little kid who you were come first, and try to let go of feeling responsible. You weren't then, you aren't now. It doesn't mean you can't feel deep compassion for the head teacher but it wasn't you who did it, it want your fault, it wasn't your problem to fix, and still isn't. It was another adults.

It must be so triggering having kids when you have all these memories. I just wanted to say you're amazing and please kbe kind to yourself.

I'm not really sure what you mean?

How awful this must have been. I dont think you will ever be able to erase the memory, rather, you might be able to 'manage' it a certain way when it comes into your head, possibly with CBT or hypnotherapy, so that it doesn't have the same impact on you x

I mean, you’ve said you feel a sense of responsibility about what happened, and I just want to see how much of the Responsibility-Pie you allocate yourself/ your Mum/ teachers, so that you can have a think about whether there are any other 6 yearbooks whom you would hold accountable to the same degree. If you can recognize that other small children are completely not to blame, perhaps you would be able to let go of the blame for you.

Can I ask another question- about the apology, do you feel that if you could apologize, do you think that it would demonstrate to the recipient that you are not like your mother?
What is the purpose of the apology in terms of you being able to lay down the burden of this.