Traumatised from Mum hitting teacher

[Whewhew]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for from this post, probably just a place to write it down to try and work through it.

Background... I had a very difficult childhood. I won't go into detail however to give you an idea of how difficult it was, my ACE score was 10.

I've had lots of therapy as an adult to work through this however there is one memory that seems to haunt me for some reason.

At the age of 5 I had a minor dispute over some stationary with another child in my class. I noticed this other child using what I thought was my stationary and I snatched it off them and refused to give it back. As a result my Mum was called in for a meeting with the head.

I very VIVIDLY remember standing in the head teachers office with my MUM, I remember the teachers name and exactly how she looked that day. Baring in mind this was over 30 years ago. There was a disagreement between my Mum and the head and the next thing I remember is my Mum attacking the teacher and punching her multiple times. There was blood everywhere and I was hysterical, as was the teacher understandably.

After that I was treated really badly by the rest of the teachers. They obviously took their hate for my mother out on me. It makes me so sad thinking of what I went through and I genuinely can't believe that professionals in such a position could treat a child that way.

I'm now an adult and living a "normal" life. I have children a similar age and it seems to have brought all these memories back with a vengeance.

I now have friends that are teachers and the thought of them being attacked at their place of work is absolutely horrifying. The thought of a child witnessing this and then being subject to horrible treatment from the school is also horrifying.

There's obviously nothing I can do about this and I understand I am not to blame for my mother's actions however I still feel very responsible for the whole thing. No amount of therapy seems to make me feel otherwise. I guess these feelings come with a traumatic childhood. I wish I could just erase these memories from my head completely.

Havent RTFT. Did you have a good relationship with your therapists? Do you have good relationships in life in general, where you feel respected?
Was your therapy body oriented? /EMDR, somatic experiencing, cranial therapy, shiatsu.../ Trauma oriented? /therapists working along the lines of G. Mate, P. Levin, B. v. d. Kolk, NICABM, G. Neufeld.../

OP, I am so sorry you were not given the childhood you deserved.

You had zero responsibility for your Mum’s assault on the teacher. Whatever the circumstances your Mum was an adult and had 100% responsibility for her own behaviour.

I have no knowledge of expertise in these matters, but they way you write about feeling responsible for your mum being in school due to the stationary incident and wishing the stationary incident hadn’t happened sounds very much like women in emotionally abusive relationships tiptoeing on eggshells, trying to prevent the abuser kicking off. It sounds as if you are retrospectively tiptoeing on eggshells

It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your responsibility, and now that you have built your own healthy family free of abuse, I know that you would never think your kids bear any responsibility for any criminal behaviour you might undertake!

So… exonerate your youthful self. Imagine yourself now as an adult judge addressing your younger self and saying ‘Case dismissed! You are innocent on all counts’.

You are an amazing person, I hope it gets better and therapy goes well.

Just venting, writing it out is ok, OP. Hope it made you feel a bit better. What you describe sounds awful. All the adults around your 5yo self sound very immature.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. None of it is your fault and you should never have been treated as if it were. You sound like a great mum yourself, and I hope you find peace x

@waterrat 'please do not think of anything that is in any way apologetic to the teachers/ school. I am shocked at people suggesting this.'

I agree with this. It would be like giving flowers to your abuser. I would only consider this if the teacher who was beaten up by your mum was not one of those who treated you badly after the event, OP.

I had experience of 3 cruel teachers in primary school and 1 in secondary school. As professionals (and human beings) your teachers should have acted in your best interests, not made you suffer for your mothers actions. You were 5 years old. 😔Your teachers were wrong and they were cruel and you did nothing wrong.

Not only that it seems odd to me that Op's mum was called in at all about you not handing back paper!

You are an absolute star OP for breaking the cycle of abuse. This is probably the most important thing an abused child can do as they grow up. Your mother was probably abused as a child herself and didn't break the cycle. I really admire you.

I am so sorry that this happened. It's never a child's fault. You were also hysterical at what happened and the teachers should have thought; if this is happening on our grounds, how must things be for this little 5 year old girl behind close doors? then offered you all the support you needed. Instead, they became another part of your problem.

I hope every time you encourage your DC to brush their teeth, you give fresh clean sheets, clean clothes, healthy food and a safe home, it reinforces what an amazing mum you are.

That’s a really natural reaction as a child, magical thinking that you can influence how an adult behaves. If you have had therapy and are reading things then you may have read that it’s more palatable to think you are at fault than think your parents are fuck ing useless and dangerous as what do you do with that information as a child?

absolutely nothing compared to your childhood but my dad was occasionally violent/ couldn’t control himself and he once hit a random child that us kids were hanging out with as this child was screaming and didn’t stop when my dad told him to, so he hit him, I think I kind of disassociated as it happened but I remember the child’s dad turning up, how my dad didn’t get in trouble or punched I don’t know. It was the 80’s though.As I am typing this, I start to feel the slow burn of shame, somehow when the dysfunction was in the house and not public that was better.

im so sorry for what you went through, it’s funny which things stick in your mind/affect you more.

Sorry that happened to you, and I'm disgusted for the teachers who are supposed to be professional took it out on you.
You were let down all around

@diddl What's so odd about it. FYI it wasn't paper, it was a stationary set.

Wouldn't you expect a parent to be called into school if a child 'stole' another child's property and refused to give it back?

@CakeFace1234
I hope every time you encourage your DC to brush their teeth, you give fresh clean sheets, clean clothes, healthy food and a safe home, it reinforces what an amazing mum you are.

Reading this made me feel warm and fuzzy. Thank you.

I will reiterate what has already been said - you sound like an absolute warrior to have come through this and be such a fantastic parent to your own DC. You should be so proud.

I had some childhood trauma and I fully recognise why this in particular would be so upsetting even against other things happening. That idea that it was your fault is the worst and I similarly am more troubled 40 years on by the events that included a feeling of shame than I am by objectively worse things. It's so so hard but you have to find a way to recognise that the little girl in your story is utterly innocent.

What's so odd about it. FYI it wasn't paper, it was a stationary set.
Wouldn't you expect a parent to be called into school if a child 'stole' another child's property and refused to give it back?

Well I would have thought it could have easily been dealt with tbh by finding out who it belonged to/putting it away until the end of the day (if it wasn't school property).

You obviously haven't read what I wrote properly or you're just trying to get a rise out of me.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and clarify for you.

As I said previously, I seen another child using what I thought was my stationary (it wasn't) I snatched it from her and refused to give it back. The school knew who it belonged to (the other child) hence the reason my mum was called.

The teachers couldn't "easily deal with it or put it away until the end of the day" as I refused to give it up. I believed it was mine and I was keeping it.

I apologise for misunderstanding.

I most definitely was not trying to get a rise from you.

Well that’s good because it certainly sounded like it and your posts have been most jarring against all the well deserved support OP is getting.

Oh bless you. I don’t have anything useful to add but wanted to express sympathy and admiration for how you’ve broken the cycle. It would have been so easy for you to become just like your mum after everything you were exposed to. You are clearly quite an extraordinary person.

I used to be a police officer. I’ve met a lot of traumatised people. Many of them (even the dysfunctional ones) never ceased to impress me at how they managed to just keep going after some of the horrors they’d been exposed to. Even the ‘bad’ ones could often be capable of great kindness and insight into why they were like the way they were, just powerless to control their behaviour when overwhelmed. That’s how I learned that trauma is so difficult to deal with. Even when you’re able to rationalise what happened and you know intellectually that it wasn’t your fault, emotionally it can be incredibly difficult to match.

💐

The way I read your posts @diddl was that you were standing up for the OP by suggesting that her mum had been called in over something trivial that could have been sorted out in school.

That was my thought thank you.

It obviously wasn't well expressed.

Sorry, I read it as an attack. That's another annoying habit that's hard to shake from my childhood.

No harm done.

Your achievements as a loving and unconditional mother can not be underestimated, and the beautiful life you have created for yourself since you left your childhood behind is exactly what you deserve - never again do you have to put up with such awful behaviour.

As well as devoting yourself to motherhood, I wonder if you could make time every day or at least a few times a week doing something for you. Whilst your energies are understandably laser focused on providing the childhood you never had, you are still very much in need of being taken care of, loved and shelterd because you have never had a mother in any meaningful sense at all.

Your self care, your time to heal, laugh, be joyful, feel relaxed, feel safe, invigorated and understood does have to come FIRST op. Even before your children to some extent.

It’s all too easy for us to forget our own needs, they were conditioned out of us from a very young age. It wasn’t safe to ask for anything. To be demanding in any way.

So now is the time to be ‘demanding’, to learn to put yourself first, listen to your choices, free wheel on the bike, be less than perfect sometimes. Be carefree sometimes. You can lighten the load by letting others help.

Be open to saying no and having boundaries. Especially your children will need to experience you as a real
person and not perfect mother in her role.

Have a simple routine at first of doing one thing a day just for you. A warm bath, a quiet night, a day off, a holiday you have always wanted to book. Adult survivors can go through life entirely in service to others. I’m sure you have considered all of this before. But just in case.

You have got this op. An absolute credit to yourself and your precious family are so lucky to have you 🙏🏼

It’s an entirely understandable defence mechanism. You have great awareness op.

Sorry it came across like that.

Obviously nothing justifies what your Mum did.

OP, you snatched some stationery.
Your mum thumped a teacher.
the first is slightly naughty and the second a criminal offence.
All children are slightly naughty at times. Most parents deal with it without getting themselves arrested.
Not your fault.