Traumatised from Mum hitting teacher

[Whewhew]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for from this post, probably just a place to write it down to try and work through it.

Background... I had a very difficult childhood. I won't go into detail however to give you an idea of how difficult it was, my ACE score was 10.

I've had lots of therapy as an adult to work through this however there is one memory that seems to haunt me for some reason.

At the age of 5 I had a minor dispute over some stationary with another child in my class. I noticed this other child using what I thought was my stationary and I snatched it off them and refused to give it back. As a result my Mum was called in for a meeting with the head.

I very VIVIDLY remember standing in the head teachers office with my MUM, I remember the teachers name and exactly how she looked that day. Baring in mind this was over 30 years ago. There was a disagreement between my Mum and the head and the next thing I remember is my Mum attacking the teacher and punching her multiple times. There was blood everywhere and I was hysterical, as was the teacher understandably.

After that I was treated really badly by the rest of the teachers. They obviously took their hate for my mother out on me. It makes me so sad thinking of what I went through and I genuinely can't believe that professionals in such a position could treat a child that way.

I'm now an adult and living a "normal" life. I have children a similar age and it seems to have brought all these memories back with a vengeance.

I now have friends that are teachers and the thought of them being attacked at their place of work is absolutely horrifying. The thought of a child witnessing this and then being subject to horrible treatment from the school is also horrifying.

There's obviously nothing I can do about this and I understand I am not to blame for my mother's actions however I still feel very responsible for the whole thing. No amount of therapy seems to make me feel otherwise. I guess these feelings come with a traumatic childhood. I wish I could just erase these memories from my head completely.

You say you can't blame the teachers, but you bloody should! You were five years old. Five. They should have been concerned that a child was living with a violent parent. Seen you as a victim, not as the reason an adult became violent.

What your mother did was not your fault.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds truly awful and you have done so well in your efforts to break the cycle and grow into a different person. I had a hard time as a child too, although nowhere near this scale. Something my therapist said to me was helpful. She said everyone wants to belong to a group. It is an instinctual thing, based on safety in groups being more important in the hunter gatherer times. My experience made me feel rejected from a group, and very vulnerable, bothered and hurt, for a long time. Your experience could be seen this way too. In your formative years you did not have a sense of belonging in your family, and this event made you feel unwelcome at school and with your peers. The feeling must have been constant and unrelenting. I'm so sorry.

You were a small child OP - you were in no way to blame and you don't owe that teacher an apology. What happened was terrible but the fault lay entirely with your dm.

I think we all have different memories of varying degrees from our past that cause us anxiety and pain - the things I often lie in bed and ruminate/feel guilty about are things involving my dc's like when I accidentally lost one of them once at a shopping centre (for about 10 minutes) and when my dd ended up in hospital with a bleeding head after falling off a chair when I took my eyes off her for a minute. I sometimes remember being shouted at by a teacher in primary school and having no idea what I'd done wrong and the humiliation I felt and I still feel angry. Obviously these instances in no way compare to what happened in your childhood but the point I'm making is that we often hyper-focus on things that were traumatic to us and dissect and worry about what happened and how we could've done things differently. It's normal and you are not alone in that. Obviously you need some sort of CBT or maybe meds to manage your anxiety depending on how invasive it is and whether it's negatively affecting you today.

Those teachers were wrong to treat you horribly after what your mother did - they should've been extra kind to you knowing the kind of home you came from.

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry that happened to you and that I hope you eventually make peace with it.

I’m really sorry you’re carrying this weight, and I can see how much this memory has stuck with you. It sounds like you’re wrestling with something that’s deeply painful — not just the event itself, but the emotions that have lingered for so long. Memories like this can be stubborn, especially when they connect to feelings of guilt, fear, and helplessness.

It’s completely understandable that this memory has resurfaced now that you have children of a similar age. Seeing the world through their eyes might have stirred those old feelings — the confusion, the shock, and the hurt you experienced as a child. That’s natural, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay trapped in those feelings.

What happened was not your fault. You were a child — a small child — just trying to stand up for yourself in the most typical, innocent way that kids do. What unfolded afterward was entirely out of your control. The fact that you’re now reflecting on it with empathy for both the teacher and for your younger self shows the kind of person you are — thoughtful, caring, and deeply reflective. That’s a strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

When a memory like this keeps resurfacing, it’s often because there’s a part of you that still feels unresolved — not because you haven’t worked hard enough to heal, but because some part of you still holds onto the idea that you were responsible. That part of you — the child version of you — might still need some kindness. It might help to consciously remind yourself that the little boy in that office was scared, confused, and powerless. He didn’t do anything wrong.

Instead of trying to forget this memory, maybe the path forward is to change the way you carry it. When it comes up, try to meet it with compassion. Remind yourself that you were just a child in an impossible situation. Over time, this memory may lose its sting — not because you’ve erased it, but because you’ve given it less power.

You’ve already built a good life for yourself despite everything you went through. That’s something to be proud of. Those memories don’t define you — your strength, your kindness, and your resilience do. When your mind tries to pull you back to that painful place, try to remind yourself of that. You are more than what happened to you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, and the ongoing consequences you suffered. Like a pp said, you should feel proud you are living a normal life now.
I just wanted to share something that I learnt after therapy. I imagined working through my problems, I would at some point start to heal, resolve and forgive. Whilst therapy was by no doubt great for being heard, and to re-process my trauma, I eventually realised it still wasn’t going to change the past. The things that happened, happened. But what I did discover, is that I eventually reached a stage where I was ok with how I felt about my feelings and emotions regarding my trauma. Permission granted to myself, acknowledging that I was fully allowed to feel that way was somehow freeing and gave me some peace.
I really do hope you find the same.
Naturally, watching your kids’ childhoods evolve will trigger memories of your own, whether good or bad, but no doubt you will stand to be the corrector of any mistakes you previously endured to make theirs the best they possibly can be. Keep doing what you’re doing, but be kind to yourself too !

I'm sorry that memory is taking up so much headspace. I'm also sorry about the way the teachers reacted to you. I worked in a school for many years, we would have loved you even more, as that would have given insight into your home life. We also would have contacted SS.

You need to know that you were never in the wrong, you were let down at home and in school.

I don't have any real advice unfortunately, but want you to know that it sounds like you are doing a great job with your own kids. Insight and reflection have made you a good mum.

That's completely understandable.

Could it be because on this occasion someone else experienced your mother's rage first hand, and rather than help you they and everyone else around you punished you too?

I'm so so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve any of that, you were just a little child and you were let down by everyone around you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. This really is one of the saddest stories I’ve read on here. Not try to make you feel bad but what a terrible thing to have happened to you when you were so young.

Some people really do not deserve to have children. Also, disagree with the teachers’ behaviour, they should not have treated you like that, it was in no way your fault which they should have been well aware of.

Well done on getting away from that evil woman and making a safe, happy family life for your own children, I bet you are a wonderful mum.

You said EDMR didn’t work for you, have you tried any other types of therapy or counseling to try and process what happened to you?

In an ideal world we would be able to understand what motivates people to think and feel and behave the way they do, and be able to change things that we believe to be unacceptable or incorrect.

In reality there is very, very little we can control, other than our own reactions. In this case you will never solve the puzzle of what happened when you were five years old and all the history behind that incident and what subsequently followed. Everyone involved at that time will have their own version of what they believed happened; your own memory can only be that of five year old you with your limited ability to understand (that's not putting you down - no child has the mental capacity to think rationally at that age).

So the only reasonable thing to do is to leave it in the past as a part of your life that happened but was nothing to do with you. I still feel very responsible for the whole thing. That's the thought pattern that needs to be excised from your mind. Five year olds are not responsible for anything. Happy to help if I can.

OP your message really touched me and I just want to add my voice to those saying you are doing brilliantly trying to process it for what it is - it was not your fault in the first place but your trauma was magnified when the teachers reacted as they did. I wish you the very best. It horrifies me to think of small children trying to process this sort of batshit craziness created by incompetent adults.

You were five years old. This is what five-year-olds do. In the teacher's eyes, this was a very minor incident, but one that warranted a quick word with your mother. Normally, that would have been the end of it and all forgotten by the next day, but your mother overreacted in the worst possible way. She was the one who was at fault, not you. I think every one of us who is reading your posts is wishing that we could give your five-year-old it self a huge hug. It was NOT, and NEVER WAS your fault. You are obviously highly intelligent and have pulled yourself out of this background and are giving your children the childhood you were denied. Try to imagine that this was one of your own children who snatched the stationery from another child and their teacher mentioned it to you. I am sure your reaction would be to apologise to the teacher and tell your child that you were very ashamed of their behaviour and that it was not to happen again. That would be the end of it. I am not a psychologist or doctor, but you are almost certainly suffering from PTSD and l would imagine that something that has happened recently is triggering these memories. I agree with everyone else suggesting more therapy and counselling. I pray that you will forgive yourself.

Hi OP, I had a very difficult and at times upsetting relationship with my mother. Decades after I moved and had gone low contact she could still make me angry and upset. People around me tended to think it was silly and I should get over it.
It wasn't and I didn't. Some things are unforgivable hence the word itself exists!
The original incident wasn't your fault you were a child.
I do like the idea of the two boxes of chocolates one for the teachers one for you. I work in schools and have done for decades teachers love chocolates! It might not make you feel better but it's a lovely thing to do.
The teachers who treated you poorly are long gone but others do their jobs now some much better people. Some who have never been tested in a situation such as you described which is as rare today as it was then.
You are doing such a good job of being a decent citizen and you are bringing up decent children and making their teachers lives easier and happier. Thank you.

Perhaps this stands out because it was a moment where everyone saw exactly what kind of person your mum was and there still wasn't any help for you. I'm so sorry, OP. You should never have had to go through this. It's no surprise that having your own children has now brought this back. But luckily for them, they haven't got your mum and your teachers. They've got you, and their teachers. They're going to be ok, because everything is different for them, because of you.

God this brought me to tears. Thinking of you as a little child witnessing that and then being treated so appalling by other adults. How confusing and traumatising for you. I’m so so sorry OP. It sounds like you’ve become the mother that little girl needed ❤️.

Hello, I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m not sure if this is what a professional would suggest, but could you write a letter and give it to the teacher (with what you said here, and if you can find her?) At the end, say if it feels right to her perhaps you can meet for a tea to bring closure.

It is impressive how you have approached and dealt with all, given how terrible an ongoing experience it must have been xx

please do not think of anything that is in any way apologetic to the teachers/ school. I am shocked at people suggesting this

You were the victim of a serious trauma. The teacher also was a victim in this situation - you both were. YOu were no more responsible than if your mum deliberately crashed her car and hit another person.

please get some more therapy - have you considered psyhcadelics? Might seem far out but considered the gold standard for major trauma and drug resistant life long depression etc.

Look up the academic studies that have been done in the UK and elsewhere.

You can do a psychadelic retreat in many EU countries completely legally.

You need more proper support with this - it didn't happen because of anything you did. It's literally not linked to the incident between you and the other child - not linked in any way. This is your childs brain trying to make a connection that doesn't exist. It happened because of your mothers obviously serious anger problems - and whatever caused them (trauma in her own past I presume)

Also, I think that these things can come up in different ways across our lives, so it's ok to go back to therapy when they do, OP. It's a big thing that happened when you were very small.

And, in case it's not obvious, this was not your fault in any way, shape or form. I sometimes try to imagine talking to myself the way I would talk to my own daughter, and I find it quite effective. I'm a lot kinder to her than I am to myself and it does me good when I remember to do that (which I don't always!).

This is a topic that often comes up with my therapist.

I find myself asking why anyone didn't step in and take me away from her. Why did her rights as a parent wanting to keep her child, trump my rights as a child deserving a childhood free of trauma. I still haven't found an answer to this question.

Some of the replies on here have made me realise that my safe space away from the abuse was taken away from me that day. I've never thought of it from that perspective before.

Things were definitely different back then and I hope that we have learned over the years not to tar all members of a family with the same brush. I am impressed with how much better safeguarding is for children today, although there's still a long way to go and children do still suffer needlessly.

To all other posters that have taken the time to comment and support me, thank you. It's really helped how low I was feeling the other day. It's been good to see this situation from others' point of view. I've always felt the teachers were pretty justified in treating me badly however, that behaviour was no better than my mums.

It sounds cringe but I am proud of breaking that cycle and being the mother for my children that I never had. I'm now that safe house where all my kids friends want to play. They feel comfortable and welcome and there's always plenty of food or whatever they need. They are probably too young to even notice my efforts but it helps me heal that inner child knowing I can offer it to them.

It's not cringe. It's a huge achievement to break the cycle 👏

Your post made me cry for the poor little 5 year old you. You must have felt so helpless and the teachers treating you bad was really close minded individuals! How could they not see that a violent person like your mum wouldn’t spare you either! For you to lose your safe place breaks my heart.
Give all the love to your children which you hoped and deserved yourself as a child! X

OP I had tears reading your first message and I never cry.

You are remarkable for breaking the cycle. Remarkable.

Be kind to and be proud of yourself.

What a lovely update OP. Your home sounds like a safe haven. Your kids are lucky to have you. 💖

It has certainly been therapeutic for me to raise my children through many of the ages where my traumas have happened and do it with love and compassion. It is most definitely triggering which is where you are right now. But I think you’ll find that as your youngest child moves past that age your trauma will quieten down again.