Just left my husband

[Katsh]

After nearly 30 years together I've finally left my husband. Things have been rough for quite a while and we decided to separate nearly 2 years ago. I said I couldn't do it anymore - he wanted to try to fix things but we've been here before and I can't keep repeating the cycle. We went to see a counsellor etc but for me it was all over. We've stayed in the same house since then as our youngest is 17 and I hoped we could co-parent until she finished school. However I couldn't cope with it emotionally and have finally moved out. It's been a week and I am all over the place. Missing him, but also relieved. Sad that I've had to leave my child, having been the main carer for all our kids for the past 25 years. I went on a date last week. I'm on Bumble looking for men and women. I'm sad and I'm confused and is this all normal ?!?!?!

Well done on making the move. Your children will be fine, they will probably admire you for being decisive. Wishing you a happy and exciting future!

Well done on leaving if things were very miserable. I'd hold off on bumble for now tbh. It's all very new just give yourself time to process things and have some breathing space.
Can't your daughter live with you?

If you're feeling sad and confused, then I wouldn't start dating. Give yourself some time

she didn't want to leave the family home which I totally understand. I've moved very close by so I still do school pickup and will see her on the weekend for a meal. But the life of a 17 year old is very busy! So I'm missing all the incidental little bits.

What the hell are you looking for from a date a week after you left?

sorry that was meant to be a reply to @Gloriia !

well having had no emotional connection for years I thought it would be nice to experience that with someone.

Well done on making this big step, which sounds like the best thing for you! I agree with PP though - if you’re (understandably) all over the place right now then try to hold off on the dating.

I get that mentally you probably left a while ago but I think dating so soon isn’t the way to deal with this huge life change.

I'm sure you're right but what do I do instead?

Married for 30yrs though. Don't you think he'll be a little bit hurt that you're dating already?! Don't you think your kids need your time and attention at the moment?

Work on yourself and building your new life.

See friends and family, work, hobbies, shop, exercise, cook, watch telly, see your dc and repeat.

Work on yourself, find out who you are outside of that relationship. Make sure your kids are okay before you pour your energy into a new person.

can I ask if any of the people offering advice have experienced leaving a longish relationship with more grown up kids? all your advice is really useful, but I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this kind of break up?

Yes. Definitely way too soon to be dating. I'd be giving in 6 months to a year minimum

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules tbh - a bit like grieving, everyone is different. If you want to meet people, go for it. If it feels good to you and makes you feel right then go for it imo. Everyone is different and no one (and I mean no one) knows your particular circumstances or what you've been through so just remember that when reading other opinions (including mine). You might fall in love or fall in lust or just find someone whom is willing to listen. Might being the operative word. Whatever the outcome just see how it goes - you've been through a hell of a lot - it might take a while for everything to come out/delayed reaction etc etc. Don't be too hard on yourself or try to force things if they're not there. Be good to yourself OK? Good luck.

thanks - your post feels like a bit of a hug.

Learn to sit with your feelings and not use others as a bandage because you are uncomfortable with the change.

Take time to be single. Properly single. Take time to get to know yourself as a single person.

It's ok if it's hard. It should be hard. That means it's worth doing. Because you shouldn't need to jump from one man to another.

Take time to just be you and find out who you are, as just you. To be comfortable in your own company.

Then when you date you'll be less inclined to give second chances to the wrong men because you aren't happy on your own and they've shown you some attention.

Honestly, if emotional connection is what you’re looking for, this is probably not where you’ll find it, especially when you’re jangled and adrenalised because of stressful life changes. OLD can ultimately lead to something good, but it can also be an absolute cesspit, and it’s not a great world to step into when you’re vulnerable and likely to make choices you may regret.

Well done for making the break. Give yourself a bit of time to regain your equilibrium and renegotiate the terms of your existing relationships before you plunge into another one. You need to get used to a new version of yourself before you can decide what it is you really want - and also what you’re prepared to tolerate.

Oh. Slow down. You left a week ago and you're dating already, both genders? Not really fair on potential dates to jump so quickly into something new. Do you even know what you want?

Life is tough enough without getting down on yourself too OK? It's difficult not too (because I find that however hard I try to think good thoughts about myself, for example, inevitably I always seem to turn on myself and just beat myself to a mental pulp) tbh. But there are so many people out there that don't want you to be happy or succeed, that being harsh on yourself is just adding to a bonfire that's already plenty big enough with everyone else's (or it could just be one person's) ill will that it's important that you don't add to it. Have faith in yourself - try to pick out the good things in yourself and then get busy so your mind doesn't carry on thinking/churning. Also - everyone has shit going on at the moment - everyone. Don't forget that. It's how you get through that makes you. So hold your head high (literally look up or look level - don't mope at your shoes as it sends your thoughts down too) and try v hard to be good to yourself.

I left after a relationship of 27 years with kids of 18-22. What's your point?

Yep this was me , and yes felt like you do but your grieving for what should of been, guilty for leaving, but also relieved I get it, it's all new, are you working still, spend time getting to know you again, spend time with friends lunch out, cinema, shopping, cooking, pamper yourself, find a hobby, but definitely spend time with daughter good times, dating now isn't right time you need time to heal, good friends around you, focus on work if you still do, think, caterpillar now and you'll become the butterfly in a few months time, work on you, it will come, focus on your daughter, I have the best relationship with my children, early days right now but your time will come,

I'd recommend listening to the audiobook or reading Helen Thorne (of scummy mummy fame) book about divorce - Get divorced, be happy. She explores the idea of just enjoying sex and dating really well, and I say embrace it if you feel you can do it safely? I know people that have leapt straight in and others that can think of nothing worse, so you do you and if that's what flexing your new found freedom looks like for you? Go for it and enjoy yourself!