Just left my husband

[Katsh]

After nearly 30 years together I've finally left my husband. Things have been rough for quite a while and we decided to separate nearly 2 years ago. I said I couldn't do it anymore - he wanted to try to fix things but we've been here before and I can't keep repeating the cycle. We went to see a counsellor etc but for me it was all over. We've stayed in the same house since then as our youngest is 17 and I hoped we could co-parent until she finished school. However I couldn't cope with it emotionally and have finally moved out. It's been a week and I am all over the place. Missing him, but also relieved. Sad that I've had to leave my child, having been the main carer for all our kids for the past 25 years. I went on a date last week. I'm on Bumble looking for men and women. I'm sad and I'm confused and is this all normal ?!?!?!

Feel the feels. Alone.

And maybe think of a way you can reunite with your daughter. Leaving her may not be the best choice and could come back to haunt you

Well done on making the move! It will be tough at first but you’ll get there.

I’m also a single parent of a young adult - and sadly have found dating apps to be a confidence swamping cesspit 😬

I’ve found loads of groups for single people online and socialise a lot this way with people in similar situations - can be a great way to meet new people.

My relationship with my daughter is very solid, but thanks for the concern. There's all kind of other info I've not included in my OP but we're good. we see each other most days even though we don't sleep in the same house anymore.

Bumble - goodness - it took me more than 3 years to get to that!

As someone who left her emotionally cold husband of 16 years the last thing I am thinking of is another relationship. But I accept that everyone is different and some people aren't comfortable living alone. I am not judging by any means.

Well done for getting out of your relationship OP and I hope you find peace and happiness. Be free and enjoy the joys of being single but keep safe.

Personally I am enjoying rediscovering myself and mending my relationships with my daughter and close friends 💜

I was in the exact same position as you, and I had a lot of fun on the apps having enjoyable dates, snogs and sex with interesting younger men. I hadn't had sex for 10 years within my marriage. No judgement here. It's a way of rediscovering yourself imo. As long as you keep things light and expect nothing more than NSA fun.

@Katsh a week??? looking for men and women??? girl, you are really jumping the gun!! you need to be learning to be alone first, without hooking up with the first few people who come along. that wont be any good for you and is , in fact, very demeaning!

What people who are being so judgemental perhaps don't realise is that you can have completely emotionally healed from a dead marriage sometimes whilst you are still in it. And you are more than ready once you escape to get out there and have some flirting and some sex and some fun. We are all different.

It's kind of like the difference between watching someone slowly die over perhaps a year as I did with my dad and someone dying unexpectedly as my MIL. With the long drawn out death, you do your mourning at the time. Sane with the death of a long marriage when it's been a long time coming.

What are you looking for with dating so soon? If you want to go wild for a bit, that's understandable. Nothing wrong in having some fun.

I'm not sure it's a great idea if you're wanting an emotional connection to do it so soon. I think it's better to come from a place of feeling settled and content, rather than a bit vulnerable, otherwise you might end up getting involved with someone crap.

If you're lonely and at a loose end, focus on friends and doing things you might not otherwise have done while married. Take the opportunity to explore who you are and what you like doing that doesn't revolve around a man or family.

I’d avoid dating apps if you’re feeling fragile. I think people in longterm unhappy relationships often think there’s a world of lovely people out there to make a real connection with. And yes, there are some lovely people out there, but there are a lot of twats, especially on dating sites. And if you’re feeling a bit bruised it could end up making you feel worse.

I’d spend time with friends, hobbies, take time to start your new life.

I matched with a man who had just done this on a dating app and he seemed nice but all over the place like you are so I unmatched him!

But you might match with someone like him and you'd be great at mudddlimg through starting dating etc together so just give it a shot and see how things go you're now single and ready to mingle! Don't take rejection personally btw

Completely agree

Go for walks, start reading books. Warmer weather is on the way this week.

How are you financially?

This is great advice OP.

I left a marriage after being cheated on, no kids. Straight onto Tinder, rebounding all over the place.

Guess how that worked out for me! Emptiness, loneliness and a bit of disgust at myself, mostly.

It wasn’t until a year of being on my own that I was able to form a new relationship (now marriage). You need to take the time.

This’ll come over very critical, but I can’t understand why you are actively trying to date so soon after emerging from a troubled marriage. I feel (personally) you need to be alone, and I mean alone for quite some time. Time to emotionally work through the recent huge change hin your life. Time to experience living alone, time to enjoy the peace/freedom in your life now. The last thing I think you need is to introduce the complication of a new man into your life, - granted he may ‘be the one’ but also he may not.

Your decision of course.

Hi OP, I’m not in same situation but left a longish relationship with a young child and jumped straight into online dating (purely for sex and to have something on the side of all the shit I was going through. My son didn’t meet any of these people and I was safe). To be fair I don’t regret it! Like you I had felt unloved and undesired and undervalued for a long time and it was nice to feel the opposite again. Feel sexy again and discover a part of me that was buried. However, I met some men and honestly just felt used and worse than I did and a few became attached. I think the advice I’m trying to give it to be open with those you’re meeting and make sure you respect yourself throughout because I didn’t and ended up feeling dirty and devalued.

I’m engaged to another man now and I’m very happy with my life but I wish I’d spent more time alone and finding me again rather than trying to find it in other people. it took so much longer than it should of. Have them on the side of finding you again.

Well done but sort your head out and enjoy being single for a while.

Reminds me of my mid 50 year old ex husband - he travelled 200 miles last summer to shag a woman less than 6 weeks after his partner of 13 years died. As my best friend said 'her ashes weren't even cold yet'.

He's now in a full on relationship with the woman, even though she is going through a nasty divorce and has a 8 year old child (who lives with her stbx husband) - my ex husband hates children. He even spent Christmas just gone with her. It's still less than 6 months since his partner died...

Time to focus on yourself, and that means spending time on a hobby or interest that adds joy to your life. You need to add another positive focus for yourself that isn’t dating.

Don’t date until you’ve made the adjustment and settled into your new status and life.
If you were thrilled and happy and keen to date, no one would judge you but you’re feeling sad, confused and sound emotionally vulnerable.
For this reason, don’t start dating yet. Online dating is tough and you need to build yourself up and be you, whoever you are. You may not even know fully who you are after a lifetime of coping. Take your time.
Go out and discover things, watch tv, read books, find hobbies, connect with friends.
maybe meet up groups for socialising, day trips or walks might be nice.

@Katsh I'm sure there's better ways to deal with your new identity.
Spend time on yourself by yourself first. Haircut stuff like that and settling in to to your new place.

They broke up 2 years ago!

I think @Katsh you are fine dating if you want to. Just because you only recently left doesn't mean your head/heart didn't move on when you agreed to split 2 years ago.

It must have been awful still living in the same house all that time. Bless you.

So, yes you will feel all at sea - you've left your home and DC but gained some independence.

You'll feel a little more settled soon, give yourself time and stop dwelling on it, get some good books or fill your time with a fun hobby.

Best of luck.

Bumble after 1 week moving out?!
No I don’t think that’s normal.
Unless you’re just seeking uncomplicated sex, in which case drive on.

Ooh, be careful of the internet dating scene if you’re emotionally fragile, OP. Can you reach out to friends and family maybe, and set up some nice things to do?

You’ve barely had a weekend on your own, OP. Give yourself some time before jumping on to OLD.