I blocked DP this evening

[SpookyAllSeasons]

”D”P and I are expecting a baby in September this year. We don’t live together yet as our relationship is still quite new (couple of years) and I have a 17 year old DS from my previous marriage. I wanted to keep some stability for DS.

DP and I were starting to look at houses together as we would’ve liked to be living together by the time baby comes.

This weekend, we went to a gig 2 hours away and stayed in a hotel. We met up with 3 of his male friends when there and then they all started heavy drinking. I am still quite tired as I am only just out of my first trimester. I did tell him prior that I would need to reserve my energy for the gig. I was then walked around this city, freezing and exhausted from pub to pub before the gig started. I expressed that I wasn’t coping because all the bars were rowdy and busy. I was being knocked and there was nowhere to sit. I felt so vulnerable.

DP got in a huff, started marching us around the city again to find somewhere I could sit. He then made a comment to his friend about how he could “never do anything right” and I was mortified. I wanted to go back to the hotel.

Eventually we sat down for a bit, then went to the gig, where DP proceeded to get very drunk and smoked cigarettes right next to me (despite it being illegal in doors). We then left and I had to stand in the cold at midnight for an hour while we waited for a taxi. It was a horrible night.

After this I felt so depleted. I just feel so alone and unsupported in this pregnancy.

I made this known to him today and he kept asking whether I was leaving him. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted and hoped our conversation would shed light. Eventually, after saying he wouldn’t attend another gig tonight then backtracked, I was told to “fuck off”. I did tell him prior that I despaired and felt like I was done.

After telling me to “fuck off”, I blocked him. I feel like I deserve better than this. To me, this was disrespectful. I suspect he will still go to the gig as he wouldn’t want to let his friend down, but I feel like this will be the end for me if he prioritises the gig with her over coming to sort things with me.

I feel so low. I don’t know how to move forward. I guess I just needed to get this out. Thanks.

Your bar is on the floor. My dh has never sworn at me.

You are in another poor relationship OP.

Do not make any plans to move in with such a loser.
You will regret it.
The way he speaks to you is disgusting.
Keep him away from your son.

I feel very sorry for your son. Your decision making is so poor.
Pregnant by a man you have never lived with who surprise surprise is cursing you out.

Please OP, talk to Women's aid for support.
Why the rush to have a baby you never lived with?
So sad.
You deserve better. Your son does too.

What's his current accommodation like? Would his living environment be improved if he could wangle his way into a home you funded/cleaned/cooked meals every day in, by any chance?

You sound like two immature teenagers. Both of you, in a way.
Only you know how you feel in your first trimester - and you are your own person. Why you'd go bar hopping with 4 men - before the gig is beyond me. I'd have let them go and met them at the gig.
Then you go and feel vulnerable.... But surely you know what it'll be like - you know the weather and you know how bars are.

Did you secretly not want him to go at all? Or did you want to chaperone him for some reason?

Then the next days he had plans. But you decided that it was some sort of a test of his - what - commitment? He needed to cancel his plans to placate you? This sounds quite manipulative.

You two decided to have this baby. Both of you need to behave like grown ups. "Blocking" him over these slights is juvenile. Like it or not - he is the father. So - he will be in this child's life, by the sound of it it is what he wants.
But, the way you are both going - the child will be shipped between two homes because the adults can't be bothered to put their egos away and become a team.

Eh, yes. Absolutely this. You could have easily waited a couple of more years and got to know this guy properly before creating another life with him. He sounds rough and immature, not at all what your 17 year old son needs in his life. What a fucking mess.

All of this.

I made this known to him today and he kept asking whether I was leaving him
sounds like he wants you to end the relationship.

I understand, but I’d be worried about this strangely baby obsessive man having access to the baby and having to coparent with him.

Well done: you certainly stood up for yourself! Of course you didn't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully, ignore the cool girlfriend brigade. I mean their behaviour would have been disrespectful regardless of you being pregnant!
And make it clear for him: you are not his incubator, fgs! What a man-child!

He’s a very very self centred man.
I don’t think I could get over how he treated you, and to cap it all, he tells ‘you’ to fuck off.
This does not bode well.

All of it sounds fine to me bar the telling you to fuck off. No it wasn’t the height of consideration but it sounds like he and his mates wanted to drink and smoke and enjoy the gig (fair enough) and you’re pregnant so you were tired and miserable and on edge (fair enough) so it just wasn’t going to work out. If you’re worried about being jostled in crowds etc (again fair enough) I don’t think you should be going to gigs.

He can’t speak to you like that - is it an isolated incident? I don’t think being inconsiderate about the gig is a sackable offence in its own right.

He sounds like someone who talks the talk but won’t walk the walk. Like those men who have their kids names tattooed all over their arms but never actually see the kids.

And this is how you end up with single mums struggling on benefits but if anyone dares to say anything they’ll give you the “ you don’t know me or my situation “ malarkey 😂 34 yrs of age with a 17 yrs old son who’ll have the mickey taken out of him as soon as you start showing thinks it’s a good idea to have a child with a deadbeat 👏🏻

@pompey38 I was 15 when my mum and dad had twins - no one ever took the piss and even if they had, the opinion of teenagers who haven't grown up enough yet to know better, isn't a reason to terminate a pregnancy that the OP wants.
Some horrible judging there of the OP who was a young mum - most of us can honestly say that we got lucky when young not to have an accidental pregnancy. It certainly wasn't better judgement on my part, at least!

That said, OP he does sound like he could be creepy af n the future.

@MrsKeats

I am not defending his actions post concert

And nor do I subscribe to the view on here that being sworn at requires divorce or separation

And believe me there is a hardcore group who suggest it.

If my husband wants to show emotion and uses a swear word then I can confirm I allow that without the threat of divorce

I mean a pregnant lady feeling vulnerable sloshing around bars with drunken men, then going to a concert is not an ideal pairing.

Like a pp said I would have left early or not gone at all as I think there would have been certain predictors of the boozing and the business of the bars etc

I think this is a little harsh. You are assuming that op is on benefits for a start. And you have no idea how op’s son will react to this pregnancy.

Although I wouldn’t want to be tied to this awful man through a baby, if you believe in a woman’s right to choose, then it works both ways. It’s no one’s decision but op’s.

And for that matter, we don’t know that op’s dp is a deadbeat either, financially anyway, although definitely not father of the year.

How did you not spot the massive red flags earlier? He wants a child of his own and not a partner.

Are you willing to share your son 50/50 with this arsehole for the next 18 years or so? A lot of men who don’t want to pay CMS will ask for 50/50 access and then dump the child with the next girlfriend that turns up and you won’t be able to do a damn thing about it as he’ll have full parental rights.

In your shoes, I’d have an abortion like a shot as I wouldn’t want to be tied to such a selfish prick and I’d definitely not want him left in charge of MY child for any length of time.

Okay, I am slightly going against the grain. I think he sounds like a right prat, yes. But I also think going to a gig and drinking with three men when you're 12 weeks pregnant and still feeling vulnerable and tired was, frankly, a bit ambitious. It shouldn't have been, of course, but thee it is. I would have just left personally and met them later.

YOu also don't say what the relationship is like outside of this one event.

I also think blocking is quite a juvenile response. "You've pissed me off so I'm blocking you".

So, either you want to end it - which is totally reasonable he doesn't sound like a prince - in which case you have a calm conversation, explain this is not what you want from life and aim towards working towards whatever agreement regarding the child you can make.

Or, you want to work on it in which case, again, you need a calm conversation in which you discuss the events of the night, agree what wasn't okay, and how to handle such things going forward.

The whole situation is a bit strange. 'A couple of years together' is not exactly a very new relationship. It is 'too new' to move in together, but not 'too new' to have a baby together, doesn't make much sense. Eh, things used to be 'proposal-marriage- buying a house- baby', many people now buy a house/have a baby and then maybe eventually marry which I also find really strange, but starting from pregnancy is really hard to understand.

He is not being nice at all, and definitely his 'mates' are his priority at the current stage of life, I see this quite often, and sometimes it is not just 'stage of life' but many men stay like this forever. I don't know why on earth you would go out with three men - of course they would want to go to crowded pubs, I hope you didn't expect they would go for a cosy afternoon tea..?

Anyway, as a pregnant lady you are allowed to be a bit unreasonable from time to time :) He, however, is not a great option as a life partner, and telling you to 'f off' is really bad.

Agree with this. I think he wants to end it but wants you to be seen as doing it.

Unfortunately, though it would probably be easier to raise the baby on your own, from what you've said about him being desperate for a baby I think he's going to want to be very involved. If you can co-parent amicably, then great, but he sounds selfish and immature, so be prepared for it to be tough.

There’s clearly been a miscommunication about the gig. DP has assumed it’s a standard lads night out but with you included. You (rightly so) had expected compromises to be made because you are now pregnant. Your DP clearly hadn’t thought about this and now needs to accept this new reality. For some reason your convo to establish this afterwards resulted in DP saying he would never attend another gig then backtracking on this, him swearing and you blocking him.
So really some reflection and learning from the night out could have resolved all this, now things have been said/done that can’t be taken back. It’s up to you whether you throw this one back or not OP, but if you want to try again it may be helpful to both of you to look at how you communicate with each other.

"I was told to “fuck off”"

I would never accept this ever. EVER.

OP, are you going to accept this? Even if he apologizes, he's already crossed the Rubicon, and has shown himself very capable of crossing it. So he will likely fo it again, and worse. He doesn't seem a safe partner to you.

Despicable post. I gently recommend you solve your own issues before attacking someone completely unknown to you.

You want to keep stability for your 17 year old son?
Yet you decide to get pregnant with someone you don’t even live with???
Words fail me!!!!

And yet he smoked right next to you?

Please don't waste another minute trying to explain to him how to be a partner or father.