Page 4 | Ex re-writing our relationship to our child and everyone else.

Peppasparty · 2025-03-17T09:46:04+00:00

Why do narcissists re-write events? Is this because they believe they happened differently or do they actually know that they are lying. We share a child and our child says to me at times that daddy told me this happened like this. It’s a complete fabrication and he must know that he is lying. For example he showed our child my engagement ring and said that I gave it back to him so that he could show our child. This is not the truth what he did was forcefully remove it from my hand whilst shouting and swearing that I didn’t deserve the ring anymore. He’s moved on and living happily which I find so difficult to understand considering the things he has done to me and previous girlfriends. Does he just lie to himself because a normal person would be eaten up. He also practices a faith, I don’t understand how he can sit and pray when he has done all these terrible things unless he really believes he has behaved well. Everyone knows shouting, screaming, pushing and throwing things at someone isn’t great and can’t be justified.

Original poster

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 15:08

Sunat45degrees · 18/03/2025 14:52

in time, you will come to realise that he has manipulated her.

Did he have an ex when you met him? Perhaps she was abusive? Or crazy? Or manipulative? Were you compared endlessly to her with you, of course, coming across as so much better? Did yo ufeel sorry for him for how things were in their relationship?

The reality is that you're right - how can these women not see through the bullshit? But the truth is that these men are very very good at manipulating the truth AND they pick women who are more likely to fall prey (or rather, they stay with those women - the ones who immediately pick up on this shit throw them to the curb long before the relationship becomes serious).

Surely you can imagine the things he's telling her? "Oh, Peppa had NOTHING when we met and now she's got this great life and I'm here, starting all over again. The woman is toxic."

"I'd lvoe to see the kids more but Peppa has threatened me so many times that if I try to have them more, she'll tell the court I abused her and the children. I can't risk it."

"I'm paying as much as I can towards CMS but it's never enough for her. She's living in a house I paid for, has a good job that I helped her to get and she's got plenty of money for the pub or to get her hair done but she's trying to bleed me dry."

"The children play up because she lets them do whatever they like at her house."

"I have to keep the children sweet because she's always dripping poison about me to them. The only way I can stop her from making it so they don't want to see me is by letting them have those toys or the mcdonalds."

"She was so controlling. Nothing i did was EVER good enough for her. She complained constantly about everything when all I wanted to do was be a good husband and father. I worked hard and at the end of the day, all I got from her were complaints and fights."

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He has no children when we met and was new to the area so nobody was around. He only spoke about previous gf after many years and yeah he always made out that the ending of the relationships were not his fault. In the end I got fed up with his stories and how everything that ever happened to him
was his family. When I started pointed out this fact it didn’t go very well.

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Original poster

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 15:11

CheekySnake · 18/03/2025 14:57

He'll only be nice to her as long as she's stroking his ego by agreeing with him that he's the victim and you're the monster.

He won't be able to keep it up forever. At some point she'll slip up and he will turn on her, it's what they do.

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Depends on the type of lady she is. Behvaing and toeing the line is a price to pay for the money he earns and some people I’ve learned have no morals as long as they getting something. She may never do what I did and point him out on his behaviour.

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CheekySnake · 18/03/2025 15:27

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 15:11

Depends on the type of lady she is. Behvaing and toeing the line is a price to pay for the money he earns and some people I’ve learned have no morals as long as they getting something. She may never do what I did and point him out on his behaviour.

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If he needs someone to bully, and she's available, it may happen regardless.

Cileymyrus · 18/03/2025 15:40

I don’t know. Do they believe their own lies? Genuinely rewritten memories?

Dh’s ex has told his kids he had the affair and left the kids when they were tiny. Along with a lot of other crap. Truth is it was her had a mid life crisis, started going out clubbing, met someone, changed the locks and moved him in when dh was away visiting his parents. I don’t even know him when he was married, we first met about a year after they split.

consequently the relationship with dh and his kids is ruined. They won’t speak to him.

i get that some of it is she knows she was in the wrong and wants to present as a good person, and knows the damage it would have done to her kids to know she was the one that split the family. But it’s been years and she’s still telling the kids he’ll cheat on me like he did her, and I’ll deserve it etc.

and yes, I know for a fact they were split and the om was in the house when we met. If I had even the slightest suspicion he was a cheater or still involved I’d have walked away.

Sunat45degrees · 18/03/2025 15:41

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 15:08

He has no children when we met and was new to the area so nobody was around. He only spoke about previous gf after many years and yeah he always made out that the ending of the relationships were not his fault. In the end I got fed up with his stories and how everything that ever happened to him
was his family. When I started pointed out this fact it didn’t go very well.

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You are at the beginning of this process I think. Over tine, you'll look back and see a million different red flags you didn't notice at the time. She's in that phase right now. It is what it is.

I would 100% cautiou you from pitching her to yourself or to your DC as the "bad guy". The chances are she's another victim long term and you are not benefiting anyone by thinking of her as a big bad evil person. HE is the problem. He is your DC's father.

Original poster

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 15:45

Sunat45degrees · 18/03/2025 15:41

You are at the beginning of this process I think. Over tine, you'll look back and see a million different red flags you didn't notice at the time. She's in that phase right now. It is what it is.

I would 100% cautiou you from pitching her to yourself or to your DC as the "bad guy". The chances are she's another victim long term and you are not benefiting anyone by thinking of her as a big bad evil person. HE is the problem. He is your DC's father.

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I don’t pitch her as the bag guy as she is the only one of them actually doing any of the parenting and looking after my child. But she is enabling it and that’s not good.

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Hungryhungryrhino · 18/03/2025 16:40

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 14:40

Yeah I’d feel sorry for her if she wasn’t enabling the abuse of her bfs child’s mum. I don’t feel sorry for grown women who let their partners tell their child their bio mum is worthless. It would be different without a child in the middle. I don’t feel in competition but she isn’t a good lady.

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I’m not saying she’s good. I’m saying you should pity her.
pity is better for you than anger. Holding on to anger and rage lets him win it’s what he wants you to feel. All you can do is rise above it, pity them, feel sorry for them that they have such miserable lives. Stop believing their hype.

Youre saying it’s pointless to tell your children the truth. Why is it? Wouldn’t it help them to have the truth? As pp suggest even just say oh wow that’s not how I remember it, then move on.

Whataretalkingabout · 18/03/2025 19:19

Some excellent insight and advice on this thread. Thanks to all who have generously contributed from their own experience.
Wanting to understand is natural and helps distance oneself from the problem. But it takes time ...

Original poster

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 19:33

I just can’t understand how a person can behave so cruelly and obviously abusive then be able to walk around with no issues showing face and laughing and smiling and being normal as if nothing happened. They don’t get affected at all. Even if someone deserved something I’d feel bad if I followed through with my feelings and hurt them.

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Hungryhungryrhino · 18/03/2025 22:51

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 19:33

I just can’t understand how a person can behave so cruelly and obviously abusive then be able to walk around with no issues showing face and laughing and smiling and being normal as if nothing happened. They don’t get affected at all. Even if someone deserved something I’d feel bad if I followed through with my feelings and hurt them.

They don’t get affected at all.
You might be right but you’re not in his brain, you have no idea. It’s like seeing someone’s social media and believing their life is perfect. It might be but it’s probably not, they’re just putting a version out there that suits them.

Either way, you really need to stop trying to figure him out. It isn’t going to help you and he’s not going to change. You need to accept that then decide how to move forward.

reesewithoutaspoon · 19/03/2025 07:42

I've seen this piece of advice given many times on here . And it's especially true when dealing with a narcissist.

You can't change him, you can only change how YOU react to him.

No amount of pleading to his better nature, begging, getting angry etc is going to change him, infact as far as he is concerned, that's exactly what he wants as it confirms you're the 'mad, unstable, crazy ex's. It just plays right into his narrative.

Stay calm, refute his lies to your children in a calm manner as others have suggested.

Don't waste your time trying to understand him or change his behaviour, that way madness lies.

DecafDodger · 19/03/2025 07:58

that's exactly what he wants as it confirms you're the 'mad, unstable, crazy ex's.

Yup my ex did that as well, wound me up to show everybody that I'm the crazy one.
Or remember the post on MN, a poster's DH would send her a message in the lines of 'I've lost our toddler' and then not answer his phone. Then later shower everybody the 20 missed calls panicked OP had made and claimed she's crazy.

Sunat45degrees · 19/03/2025 09:32

Peppasparty · 18/03/2025 19:33

I just can’t understand how a person can behave so cruelly and obviously abusive then be able to walk around with no issues showing face and laughing and smiling and being normal as if nothing happened. They don’t get affected at all. Even if someone deserved something I’d feel bad if I followed through with my feelings and hurt them.

1 he doesn't think it's cruel or abusive

2 he doesn't care if it hurts you.

Original poster

Peppasparty · 19/03/2025 10:46

Sunat45degrees · 19/03/2025 09:32

1 he doesn't think it's cruel or abusive

2 he doesn't care if it hurts you.

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I suppose anything can be justified if you believe it. He really believes I ruined his life and I was the reason he had to act in that way. Then if you move on and another person doesn’t trigger you in that way it justifies it even more being my fault. (Until something they do triggers them) It’s always someone’s else or something else to blame.

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Sunat45degrees · 19/03/2025 11:32

I am not sure that you're at this point yet, but it can be surprisingly cathartic to LAUGH at him (not to his face, to yourself). So DH and I would turn some of exBIL's more outrageous comments/theories into something we could laugh about. Our all time favourite was when he complained to SIL that it was ridiculous that she was "just using him for childcare" because she was insisting he stick with the agreed schedule and on the two afternoons a week he had the DC she would (shock, horror) either... go to work, or go to the gym.

It was such a ridiculous statement we laughed for weeks. Every time one of us left the house the one at home would shout, "what, you expect ME to do childcare so thatyou can go to the gym/go to work/do the shopping?"

There were a bunch of other moments too. it did help SIL for a bit too. But I do think you have to be in the right space to be able to SEE how ridiculous it is, and then tolaugh at it.