Don't agree on politics

[Jackooo]

How to manage of you and your dh have different political views?

I get infuriated by views my husband has... But we do have the same values and he's a kind person and a good person... But stuff he says politically I don't feel reflect the kind of person I believe he is.

Should we just agree to never talk about our political views?
When we do speak I'm the one who gets emotional as I feel his views seem intolerant and unkind...

We are married 20 years and have children and happily married in other respects.

I get infuriated by views my husband has... But we do have the same values and he's a kind person and a good person... But stuff he says politically I don't feel reflect the kind of person I believe he is.

When we do speak I'm the one who gets emotional as I feel his views seem intolerant and unkind..

Such as..?

I thought you were going to say this was an early stages relationship (in which case dump!) but together for 20 years, wow

i would find that very difficult. BUT we chat about politics quite a lot so it wouldn’t be feasible

dh and I have very different religious beliefs (well, he is a hard as nails atheist). BUT that is ok because religion, although it exists for me, isn’t a big thing in my life

How often are you arguing about this?
Do you not want him to have an opinion of his own and just be a nodding dog who is #beingkind?...

I have differing political views to my DP. I think a tricky element is how you communicate and have discussions. It’s fine to challenge someone’s view or ask for their reasoning, but I would really struggle if I felt I was dismissed or convo was shut down because I didn’t agree.

The biggest indicator of a failed relationship is contempt, once it sets in it’s very difficult to continue.

Awaiting that he's a Trump and Musk supporting, Andrew Tate flag flying, anti immigration, bring back the poor house, big softy!

If he supports Labour you just need to get him to watch the news and he’ll soon realise the error of his ways. If he votes for them again in 2029 I think you should leave him.

I think you can make this work but it does depend on what political views we’re talking about here. There are some views I would find so objectionable that it would be difficult to have an ‘emotionally intimate’ relationship with someone who holds them. If DP decided he was joining the BNP or was suddenly a TRA then I highly doubt the relationship would make it.

Is he a Labour supporter because they do bang on a lot.

I wouldn't have married him in the first place. Did he have different beliefs when you first got together?

That they do while being irritatingly condescending!

Tbf politics was very different 20 years ago and a lot has happened in those intervening years!

We are the same as you and we no longer talk about politics; we used to have healthy debates but he annoys me now and reads too much stuff on social media rather than actually informed stuff so I shut these conversations down.

I’m guessing it’s right wing views. I’ve seen a number of these threads pop up over the years and the problem is always that the partner doesn’t hold left wing views and that’s then painted as if it’s a problem.

"he's a kind person and a good person... But stuff he says politically I don't feel reflect the kind of person I believe he is"

When people are coming from a place of basic decency, I find it useful to think about how they reached their views.

For example: I know a lot of TERFS who are recent Zionists. They got there because they were widely vilified by the left for their general terfiness. Then they looked around and thought "well if the left is wrong about me, what else might they be wrong about?".

I have some racist relatives. They live in a post industrial town where causal building work was one of the few relatively well paid options for work. And then there was an influx of workers from abroad and the going rate dropped.

In both cases, I don't agree. But I can have some compassion for how they reached the conclusions they have.

His views are the person he is. And he reached them somehow. If its possible, you need to understand and respect him. If you really cant, you need to avoid the subject altogether or split up.

Yes exactly... The Internet and rabbit holes have come along. 20 yrs ago politics was gentler and we didn't discuss it much. (And we ve got older and more stuck in our ways!)

I have two friends who are much more right wing than me. They are both intelligent women and one is deeply into the business world. I have come to accept their bona fides. They are good people who probably want the same things as I do but via a different route. It probably helps that my good old left wing buddies are melting round the edges a bit.

I think the problem is when one partner has extreme views. I would struggle with someone who held very right wing views, but equally I’d probably struggle with someone who held extreme left wing views too. Whilst I could probably reconcile to some extent extreme left wing views if I felt it was coming from a good place and misplaced ideology, I’d very much struggle if they were Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Nigel Farage supporters, aniti immigrants, anti women’s rights haters etc, because those beliefs just don’t align to my values.

I’ve recently reached the conclusion that we can’t talk about politics, which makes us both sad. We used to be mostly on the same page. He’s expressed some views recently that I find repugnant, and I was always open to the alternative takes, I respect that he explores everything without immediately dismissing any idea. I’m trying to find a place of ‘I can’t control his opinions but I know my limits and hearing them too often won’t work for me’.

Thanks this is a helpful post.
Yes I think that's it... That he's attaching himself to that side of things as he's alienated by the left
He isn't a Zionist and he doesn't support trump but does argue in favor of both at times...
I definitely don't want to split up with him so need to make my peace with it.
Does that involve not discussing these things anymore or do I still try and put my points across to stop him getting too stuck in his ways. He is someone who is open to discussion about things and enjoys debate. It's me who finds it emotional.

Good point. We have these blistering arguments (not that often but how through stages of it).. and then one of us makes the other a cup of coffee or asks do we want to walk the dog. So you're right just need to keep the 'love' alive I suppose.

Exactly the same with DH. We just don't discuss politics because we know we don't agree.

"Does that involve not discussing these things anymore or do I still try and put my points across to stop him getting too stuck in his ways. He is someone who is open to discussion about things and enjoys debate. It's me who finds it emotional"

I think it depends very much on your bandwidth. You say that he enjoys debates but you find it upsetting.

Is he compassionate towards your upset or does he enjoy needling you and scoring points?

Otoh: Are you debating him from a place of mutual respect or are you invested in changing or improving him.

When I first "came out" as a TERF I had a lot of conversations where it was clear that the other person was scoping out the extent of my views to see if they could still remain friends with me.

Those were not fun conversations to have and even when they went well I didn't feel the same about those people afterwards.

Why do you think debating him makes you emotional? I wonder if a part of you is trying to work out if his views are a deal breaker for you? And maybe he's unconcerned because he doesn't realise that's going on?

DP and I have broadly similar values and ideals but disagree on some key political.issues. at this point we just agree to disagree and try not to get into it.

He is someone who is open to discussion about things and enjoys debate. It's me who finds it emotional.
How bad are you finding his views that you are becoming 'emotional' what does that look like? Shouting/ranting? Tears to guilt him into your viewpoint and say he agrees with your much better viewpoint?

Very true, but people don't tend to change hugely unless they've been indoctrinated (left or right). My mostly left leaning friends and partner are still mostly left leaning 20+ years on, and the right leaning are too.