Don't agree on politics

[Jackooo]

How to manage of you and your dh have different political views?

I get infuriated by views my husband has... But we do have the same values and he's a kind person and a good person... But stuff he says politically I don't feel reflect the kind of person I believe he is.

Should we just agree to never talk about our political views?
When we do speak I'm the one who gets emotional as I feel his views seem intolerant and unkind...

We are married 20 years and have children and happily married in other respects.

I'm your husband in this scenario op. My husband and I were always to the left. He voted Labour and I swung between Labour and Lib Dem. I was horrified at the beginning of 2024 when I heard that rapist Isla Bryson, a man who identified as a woman, was being held in a women's prison and Nichola Sturgeon couldn't bring herself to describe him as a man. For a number of years, since my children were born, I generally blocked out the news but I realised that the left appeared to have lost its mind on this issue. I voted Labour in the last election purely because they were the most sane left wing party on this issue. I still believe we should all be taxed to provide a functioning health service and state education but I don't believe in the leftwing omnicause. I believe Hamas are terrorists and Israel has the right to defend itself, that climate change is happening but that we can't bankrupt ourselves in the race to net zero, that multicultural Britain is wonderful but uncontrolled immigration is deeply destabilising. My husband looks at me askance but listens to what I have to say. We don't always agree but hopefully this isn't relationship-ending. I think I still believe in left-wing values but not those where anyone who disagrees with you is a Nazi.

80% of the electorate didn’t vote for Labour. Hardly a huge endorsement.

Either way you’ll still come to the same conclusion.

The appalling state of the country was hardly a huge endorsement for the previous encumbents though was it. Roads so riddled with potholes they look as if they've been shelled in a war. The NHS falling apart of the seams. An unprecedented and precipitous shortage of doctors and teachers and prisons full to bursting. I mean, the list could go on and on (and on and on) but these are just a few teasers.

If this is bothering you on an ongoing basis, I doubt that avoiding the subject or making "politics" (which can be a nebulous area) off-limits in your conversations with your husband will fix the problem. You say I get infuriated by my husband's views and I'm the one who gets emotional. Assuming you're sure he's not intentionally winding you up, can you find a strategy to stay calm throughout the discussion and let him talk until he's done before you ask questions or rebut? Treat it like a debate or a neutral exchange of views without the assumption that you know what he thinks or that the two of you should think/feel the same. Your short-term goal isn't to "win", to react, or to score goals for your views, but to understand what's going on in your husband's head.

Also, if you want him to understand your concern or confusion about his political stances/comments he's making about current events, try to avoid too-general and subjective words like "kind" and "good" and double-edged words like "intolerant". Can you lead him through the logic of what he's proposing so he sees what (you think) the negative consequences or harms would likely be? Perhaps he's seeing (perceived) benefits only, and not the whole picture. Can you identify places where his views seem to be different from the views he's held in the past and press him to see if he can articulate what's changed?

Try to put his offhand comments in a larger context so you can understand if there's a significant problem (for you) or not - and check if you're understanding correctly. It's easy to react to a buzzword or soundbite but clichés and talking points are easy to pick up and repeat, and may not be used consistently or even correctly.

(Edited because I didn't mean to include the whole text of the original post!)

We’re at this point. I’ve always voted labour / lib dem (self confessed champagne socialist) DH was a centrist / soft conservative. We generally found a middle ground and shared the same values. We lived in the US for the first round of Trump and i was appalled at what unfolded

In covid and beyond, DH has become more right wing and what I call ‘angry old man shakes fist at the clouds (simpsons style)’, I suspect from reading absolute shite on line, which is maddening as he’s intelligent and used to be able to sift through b/s.There seems to be a tipping point in the late 50s where lots of blokes seem to get more right wing (I know lots of ppl do, but there seems to be a theme with men)

We’ve had some major arguments of late about American politics (he’s from the US) as I just can’t reconcile how anyone can support the republican party. He says he doesn’t support the extreme stuff (abortion, trans debate etc) but I’m horrified as for me how can you look the other way when they’re eroding women’s rights, healthcare, public services, libraries, DEI, rights for minorities and disabled people, etc because you think they may fix the economy??

I’ve told him as much - for me it’s very much ‘i’ll look the other way until they have a policy that comes for me, and then i’ll be outraged’ which is what happened in 1930s Germany. We had a massive argument the other day where he spouted how cutting DEI programs were a good thing but couldn’t tell me why. I then explained to him what they deliver for everyone and couldn’t believe we were having the convo - 10years ago it wouldn’t be on the radar in our house

There’s no point trying to change peoples beliefs or values; for us I think it may be a breaking point, as I don’t think I can be with someone who looks the other way as a large % of the population is directly negatively impacted.

What's he actually saying that is both you "sharing the same values" and, at the same time, upsetting you? I suspect he doesn't really share your values or he's becoming quietly radicalised if this is a change in him.

Dp has two firsts in politics and economics related degrees. He's always winding people up, including me...
We've had some lively debate...