Don't agree on politics

[Jackooo]

How to manage of you and your dh have different political views?

I get infuriated by views my husband has... But we do have the same values and he's a kind person and a good person... But stuff he says politically I don't feel reflect the kind of person I believe he is.

Should we just agree to never talk about our political views?
When we do speak I'm the one who gets emotional as I feel his views seem intolerant and unkind...

We are married 20 years and have children and happily married in other respects.

See I don't think that's true either. Politics was very clear a choice between left and right in liberal democracies until recently. Then it got complicated by the rise of Authoritarianism on both the left and right. That's alienated left leaning feminists from left leaning autocrats who believe you MUST believe x, y and z or otherwise you are traitorous right winger! Both remain on the left economically but there is a fundamental difference in how much control and obeying you must do.

I do get upset... Because I think I find it unnerving that he's got certain viewpoints.. i wonder do I even know him ... But then in real life he's kind, does what's right, not selfish.

I just hate a lot about the Internet these days.... the way it makes everything more shouty and extreme. Reverse CBT I heard it called once

I agree I think it's become a lot more complicated in the last 10 years

But what are these 'unnerving' views? Surely not that horrendous or why stay with him?

I had exactly the same issue in quite a new relationship (together for two years). I left the relationship ultimately. I really struggled with this. I am a bit of a bleeding heart lefty which he mocked me for and have to admit that I found his right wing views quite unpalatable.

He was a shy Tory and a very middle class, educated, white man who believed he got to where he was in life purely through his own hard work (not the fact he had a very comfortable background, great education etc etc). He also believed he had a right to pay less tax, was a bit of a little Englander, was fine in public but behind closed doors a bit “British is best”. I found that uncomfortably close to xenophobia to be honest. He was firmly on Israel’s side in the conflict and just had very fixed, opinionated views on everything.

It was too much for me, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like having to explain my views to him, be told by him that I just spoke in “lefty platitudes” all the time.

I feel for you as I would struggle with this. Can you give us examples of the kinds of things that cause conflict?

Traditionally the UK has been more socially conservative than many realise. This has been true of both the labour and conservative movements.

People are quietly ok with things until it starts to impact them to a certain degree. At that point they entrench and start to push back. So when efforts to push too fast have happened it's eventually resulted in a backlash that certain people don't quite understand because they mistake quiet acceptance as endorsement and enthusiasm.

How strong are your political beliefs?

Mine are strong since a teenager and I would never ever kiss or share a bed with a man that any left wing leanings.

Politics is a huge source of conversation in my life so it would just be awful to be with someone who wasn't on the same wavelength.

If it isn't a big deal for you though and you've been together two decades is it worth rocking the boat now?

It depends on what and who they are supporting.

I could not live with someone who supports Reform or Trump and demonises immigrants, LGBTQ+ people and displays sexist/misogynist views and behaviours.

Basically I could never agree with someone who support what I consider to be extreme, toxic views.

Beyond that I would not be concerned if someone was a conservative while I am a Labour voter.

This is a great example of how left leaning supporters purport so 'kind and accepting' but in reality only if you fit into their box of 'acceptable'. The disdain for the partners right wing views, yet shocked and appalled that the partner equally didn't agree with them.
The decision for the lottery of birth for him, and the fact that he had an opposing opinion re Gaza.
I often feel people who are "bleeding heart lefties" are genuinely shocked when not everyone sees them as the amazing crusading beacon of wonderfulness!

Depends doesn't it? In my view politics is 'i think X about Labour/Tory/ Lib Dem manifesto'. To me that's where politics ends.

Stuff like supporting Trumps anti DEI stance is racist in my view, the trans issue is trans not politics, conspiracy theories are conspiracy theories, etc. All of these things I could imagine couples having blistering arguments over. The manifesto stuff...hard to see how that could get truly blistering.

I would just steer away from political conversations.

DH and I (together since 1996) had different views on the Iraq war. It caused friction at every discussion so we just accepted we had different views on this snd stopped trying to pursue each other to our POV.

I also take issue with having fixed political views (ie, always voting for the same party no matter what). Im a floating voter and vote according to policies that suit me at that moment in my life. We stopped trying to pursue the other they were wrong and just accepted the difference without conflict.

Just agree not to talk about politics. Job done, you’re welcome.

Wow how many nasty personal insults can you fit into one post about people ideologically different from you 😄. You're just throwing around stereotypes that don't apply to huge numbers of people, as a way of twisting the knife into people who aren't like you. What you just wrote sounds like a Facebook post.

My DH votes differently to me and we'd never speak about each other in such a nasty way.

Eermm OK @Pootlemcsmootle so personal opinions not allowed? You've taken that rather personally? Why if you don't behave like that?

You sound exactly like him 😆 Funnily enough, I decided it was too much so left him! It didn’t seem to bother him as he wanted to be in a relationship with me still. I don’t understand why you’re being so personal about my standards? To me these are my values and yes not everyone will agree with them - that’s why I’m not compatible with everyone. But I have a lot of friends and good relationships with family, so I’m not too fussed. I also get on well with people who don’t believe what I believe but I’m sure you’ll understand that it’s important to me to have a life partner who even if not exactly aligned with my views, supports and understands them. It’s exhausting being steam rollered at home when you express a belief of yours and being mocked for it. I also didn’t want to bring children into the situation and, worse, have children who parroted this man’s, in my opinion, pretty regressive and backward views. So I voted with my feet

Oh yes because the Tories were so brilliant for 14 years? Labour couldn’t be any worse.

Doesn't make sense:

But we do have the same values and he's a kind person and a good person...

When we do speak I'm the one who gets emotional as I feel his views seem intolerant and unkind

How can he be a good and kind person while simultaneously being intolerant and unkind?

I also thought you were in the early stages but after 20 years, well I guess you'll have to reach a compromise. Personally I couldn't be with someone who was the diametric opposite from me politically and I never have been. I couldn't be because my political views are an essential part of who I am. I just don't see how you can share the same "values" really.

My husband & I have been married for 34 years this year. He's English, I'm Welsh (very difficult yesterday). He's Catholic, I'm CofE. Until Brexit he was Tory & I'm a Labour Party member. We are both very political. Both Remainers. And he hasn't voted Tory since Johnson. But he'd never vote Labour. It works.

I suppose you think that's hilarious

as if the whole mass media gives the truth. a better option is studying academic politic blogs to get more detailed information

@Silentdream

"If he supports Labour you just need to get him to watch the news and he’ll soon realise the error of his ways. If he votes for them again in 2029 I think you should leave him."

I think you'll find that Labour won because voters saw the error of their ways. Fourteen years' worth of almost unmitigated disaster and five prime ministers later to be precise. Still, thanks for the chuckle.

its tricky, but you have a long marriage and kids…unless he becomes all-consumed by his views and talks about them day in day out, agree to ignore the topic, or if it does come up, everyone gets to say their opinion and then you move on.

I'm a Labour member and I'd find it difficult (but not impossible) if my DH held right wing views. I think the most important thing is respect for each other so that you either agree to avoid political discussions or genuinely listen to the other person's views and respond calmly with your own. It's possible to disagree without a shouting match or becoming insulting but that would depend entirely on the fundamental quality of your relationship.

However, if DH's views were racist or ignorant (eg founded on false facts), I'd have huge difficulty respecting him as a friend, let alone a husband.

@Jackooo - I think you need to think about what things mean to you and what the differences really are! I couldn’t spend my life with someone and don’t discuss politics and also that didn’t share the same ideas that’s very important to me. So you need to think what you are ok with and what you aren’t.