Best Friend and affair - caught in the middle

[Toubledfriend]

I found out about 2 months ago that my best friend has been having an affair for the past year with the partner of another mututal friend of ours. We have been best friends for decades, I am as close to her as my own siblings, am Godmother to their children (mid teens) and while I dispise cheating and she knows how I feel about it, I also don't want to lose my friendship with her so am trying to not pick sides which they all know. I know she's felt neglected in their marriage for a few years and wasn't happy, her DH isn't a bad guy, not abusive or anything but lazy - not that that excuses an affair. Mutual friend is leaning on me a lot for emotional support and I'm hearing that the AP is manipulative and controlling and AP is telling BF the same about mutual friend. Obviously I am not repeating what each is telling me to the other as I don't want to be accused of shit stirring. AP is a jack the lad type and doesn't come across like that but I don't know them well enough to know for sure. I know MF has a history of jealousy, enough so that it does make me question who is telling the truth but again, I keep that myself. I've told my BF I can't see them together as a couple at the moment as it feels a betrayal to her DH and MF and their children as it's still so soon after, and she is understanding of that. I'm being made to feel bad by both her DH and MF if I even consider ever accepting the AP into my social circle with BF but I don't feel I can do that long term without losing her as my friend. There's no easy way to navigate this where I don't lose a friend somewhere a long the line, is there? Someone is always going to feel like I've picked a side.

There is nothing you can do about it. The relationships around you have changed, it is natural that your relationships with those people will change too.

It's nothing you have done, nor anything you can do anything about.

Try to be kind to yourself, it's never easy to go through this.

I'm afraid I would be telling your best friend that I no longer wanted to have contact with her while she was continuing her affair.
The fact she is lying and cheating would make me think differently about her. And she is making you complicit in her behaviour.

Agree with @Smokeyblueblack
unfortunately, you’re not going to win in this at all.

When it comes out which it will, it’s going to blow up in your face because you knew about it. I suggest you distance yourself so that you don’t get hit by any shrapnel.

It is now all out in the open and she has ended her marriage. Just for clarity, I did not know about the affair while she was still with her husband, I found out after she told her DH, so I'm not complicit in her affair

I didn't know about the affair during it. I found out after she told her DH and ended her marriage. Her DH knows that I didn't know about it and was as shocked as everyone else

This is such an awful position to be in. I see the damage that it's caused and absolutely hate what she's done but I love her like my own sister so finding it very hard to turn against her like people seem to expect me to do

Oh okay sorry I see.
I actually just think you need to look after yourself here.It’s not your responsibility and actually I think you’re entitled to run your friendship the way that you want to.

I think you should side with yourself! do what works best for you. Take the focus away from these other people who basically sound like it’s all a bit of a mess. Perhaps take a little break while you get your head straight and interact with some other people for awhile?

Agree! Steer clear at all costs, this shit show really is something you want no part of - it will all blow up at some point and your ‘friend’ will be turning to you.. she’s not to be trusted.

I'd back off a bit and let the dust settle. Its all raw for everyone still I imagine. Only 2 months.

I think its a bit shit that you have been 'made to feel bad' by both her DH and MF. You're in charge of who you socialise with, not them. See who you want.

Relationships will inevitably shift within the group. Its not your fault though.

@BubbleGumOnShoe @Bimblebombles I know you're right and I'm trying to step back but MF will call and be in tears for hours on the phone, and I find it hard to not be there for her when she's so upset but it's emotionally draining on me to be the constant sounding board, so trying to be firm without upsetting her futher or feeling like I've picked a side is the tricky part

@rockingbird it's already blown up as the affair is out in the open and both have ended their relationships to be together.

I think DH and MF are being disingenuous to suggest you shouldn’t have stood by your friend, given the closeness of your relationship with her. You can be appalled by something a person does and still love them.

But it is very common for friendships to end in the fall out of a divorce. Your friendship with DH and MF is probably over and maybe that’s a good thing. I imagine it would be extremely hard work to maintain those friendships, never mentioning your friend when she’s been the reason you become friends in the first place

You’re being manipulated by your friend.

She knows you are best friends with the woman her husband is now with. Phoning you for hours of support in those circumstances is weird.

You're already too involved and need to tell both sides you don't want to hear another word about their seedy sex lives.

It's ok to put some boundaries in with your friend. To explain to her that you feel in the middle of this situation and you are finding it difficult to spend hours supporting her on the phone about this. Suggest some counselling for her and support her to access that.

Was your BF good friends with the MF too? If so that would taint my view of her forever. If she is willing to betray her friend (as well as her husband) that is not someone I would want to remain extremely close to. Would you trust her with your husband?

In that situation I would take a step back from everyone and let the dust settle. No point making it your fight when you have no skin in the game.

if your BF wasn’t that close to the MF, I agree that the MF is being a bit manipulative trying to use you to comfort her, when I assume she has other people she could call. Wants you to take her side to hurt your BF. This is understandable but you need to decide whether you will let this continue. Also the fact that she’s supposedly been ‘jealous’. Well no wonder! I’m sure this isn’t the first time he has done this to her and now she’s being gaslit like she’s the problem because she was rightfully jealous of him sleeping with other woman. The guy sounds like a dick. I don’t see it ending well for your BF either but she will need to find out this on her own.

I can only speak from my own perspective with how close I am to my best friend.

If my best friend and her husband split up, regardless of the reason, I probably wouldn't have a relationship with her DH anymore. Because best friend is my primary relationship and whoever she's dating is just an 'add on' to that, no matter how nice they are.
Likewise if I split from my partner but best friend would hardly ever see him again because she only associates with him because of me.

Now in our friendship group I am very fond and really like all our friends. But my best friend I love. I have a long history with her. I know her mum, family and she does mine. We've holidayed together and gone through life's ups and downs. I don't know any of our friends parents and families other than to say hello nor they mine.
If some of them moved to Australia I wouldn't go specifically to see them but maybe drop in if going anyway. Whereas with my best friend I'd travel to Australia just to see her specifically. Likewise her me.

Needless to say my loyalty is and always will be with my best friend. No matter what she's done. I don't have to agree with everything she does but that's not the basis of our friendship. Love and loyalty is.
If I was to commit a crime, my best friend would give a lecture but then she'd also be bringing me snacks to prison visits!

So in your situation I'd be sticking by my best friend. I love her. Id tell her what she did was wrong and likely give her a 'come to jesus' talk. But ultimately my loyalty is with her.

With my friend I'd be telling her I don't agree with what she's done at all, that I was disappointed and gutted. But that at the end of the day she's my lifelong and bestest friend and our love lifes will never get in the way of that.

Your best friend hasn't killed anyone or been involved in a violent sex crime. She's fucked up romantically. Shit happens. But that's what friends are for. To see us through our ups AND DOWNS. To support and guide us through life's hardships.

This life is hard. Friends help get us through.

@OchreRaven no I don't think I'd say they were very close friends. Friends by cirumstance within the friendship group I would say. I can't imagine they would naturally choose to be friends as very, very different personalities.
When I say history of jealousy, I don't mean with this partner and just romantic jealousy. Maybe jealousy isn't the right word - maybe FOMO is more accurate. There are 6 ladies in the close friends group and if a couple of the us do something together and she's not invited, there will be comments about how she wasn't invited. It's never the whole group meaning she's left out completely but just a couple of us. Yes I would trust her with my own husband, which might be weird given the situation.

@Epilepsystruggle that's exactly how my relationship is with my best friend and our friendship is so I have been able to tell her I think it was a shitty thing but just because I don't agree with cheating, doesn't mean I don't love her. She has been my rock through some really, really shit times in my life - more than my own husband has! I'd be lost without her if I'm honest, it really would be like losing a sister.

While your best friend has behaved badly, it’s fine now and she’s made her bed. But as she’s your closest friend then take that into account.
The MF needs to find a new support person because as upset as she is, she doesn’t give a toss about you. She’s possibly also wanting information or to see where the land lies. It’s time for that friendship to go on the back burner.
It is a possibility your best friend’s relationship won’t last. You can be there for her when it implodes.
You need to relive yourself from the drama. It’s nit good for you.

Does the MF think that you are a very close friend with her? Can’t understand why she is calling you for hours. Tbh I think you should say to her that you completely understand that she is the wronged person here, but that you have a very close friendship with your BF going back ages and while you know what she’s done isn’t right, you are still going to be there with her, and it’s too awkward to be MF’s sounding board too.

@Toubledfriend in that case the answer is clear. You do pick a side. Your best friends. Always.

I wouldn't be sitting on the fence with my best friend due to her romantic misdemeanours.

We'll always have each others backs in public and hold eachother up with unconditional support. Behind closed doors we'll bollock eachother but never ever would i or she question support/loyalty.

Also never ever would/could a friend or their husband try and 'make me feel bad' about standing by my best friend. Like you honestly think I'm going to throw away my lifelong through thick and thin friendship/sisterhood for YOU? Her ex husband? Ex friend? Haha.

But then no one would ever expect me too because they know how close we are. Id be by her side letting the others drift away from me if they wanted.

Tbh though, maybe I'm not the best person to answer because I'd probably know about the affair whilst it was happening. Telling her not too of course and warning her of the shit show coming her way, but I'd know. Were too comfortable with eachother. Like sisters. Can't keep a secret from eachother, we've tried over the years but always end up ringing eachother like 'okay.. I've fucked up real bad this time.'

But then me and my best friend always laugh that we'll be in our 80s drinking wine in a care home and talking about 'remember your second husband? He was my favourite. I wasn't a fan on the third'
So what that says about us I don't know 😂.

You’ve already chosen a side but that doesn’t mean that your bf gets to vomit her poor decisions and the consequences of those decisions on you at will. She sounds emotionally immature and you should urge her to seek professional support.

I think you have to pick a side OP unfortunately. In a situation like this it’s not really possible to sit on the fence.

@Talipesmum I would say I'm the closest to MF than anyone else in the group but she does have her own best friend she can and I believe does call. I do feel that she calls me to try and gleen info.

@Epilepsystruggle I do know why she didn't tell me and it's because of the reason I'm so against, but it's a backstory that would be very outing to those who know me. We're always joking about the same thing in the nursing home 😂 I think I've mainly been trying to stay in the middle for her children as understandably they are deeply upset and angry with her, and I want to make sure they have someone who is not so angry at any side that can try and be a voice of reason for them and that they're not hearing their Mum be slagged off. She's made a poor decision but she is a good Mum.

@AgentJohnson it's not my best friend that's calling me in tears for ours it's our mutual friend. My best friend is understanding of any boundaries I've out in place regarding the AP.

@Sevenamcoffee I think that's what I'm realising

Just be polite to MF snd tell her thd topic of BF us off limits. Stop engaging in gossip as though its a necessary form of support. Its not. Its just a strategically deployed form of warfare.

Absolutely this. You are going to lose some friends. Fence sitting will ensure you lose all of them.

Id be untrusting of bf in this case, she's lied to everyone including you even if you understand why. They are all manipulating you, time to get out of the situation from all of them. It's a really toxic situation and that could easily affect you in some pretty awful ways. Protect you and yours, not any of your friends inc bf.