Best Friend and affair - caught in the middle

[Toubledfriend]

I found out about 2 months ago that my best friend has been having an affair for the past year with the partner of another mututal friend of ours. We have been best friends for decades, I am as close to her as my own siblings, am Godmother to their children (mid teens) and while I dispise cheating and she knows how I feel about it, I also don't want to lose my friendship with her so am trying to not pick sides which they all know. I know she's felt neglected in their marriage for a few years and wasn't happy, her DH isn't a bad guy, not abusive or anything but lazy - not that that excuses an affair. Mutual friend is leaning on me a lot for emotional support and I'm hearing that the AP is manipulative and controlling and AP is telling BF the same about mutual friend. Obviously I am not repeating what each is telling me to the other as I don't want to be accused of shit stirring. AP is a jack the lad type and doesn't come across like that but I don't know them well enough to know for sure. I know MF has a history of jealousy, enough so that it does make me question who is telling the truth but again, I keep that myself. I've told my BF I can't see them together as a couple at the moment as it feels a betrayal to her DH and MF and their children as it's still so soon after, and she is understanding of that. I'm being made to feel bad by both her DH and MF if I even consider ever accepting the AP into my social circle with BF but I don't feel I can do that long term without losing her as my friend. There's no easy way to navigate this where I don't lose a friend somewhere a long the line, is there? Someone is always going to feel like I've picked a side.

Does mutual friend know that you are best friends with the woman who’s gone off with her husband? It seems strange she’s picked you as her sounding board, if she knows you’re ultimately going to side with your best friend.

And does your best friend know you’re spending hours listening to mutual friend ?

@SalfordQuays yes and also yes, although both know that what is said to me is kept with me. I'm not a stirrer so don't relay what is said to one or the other.

I am going to take myself away from the situation and tell MF that I can't be her support system. I do see what others see and it does seem odd she would choose me knowing I am BF with the ow for her. I will let them all know that I don't want to discuss the situation at all. If that loses me any friends than so be it. I am looking at everyone differently now but my best friend will always be - I wouldn't cut my own blood sister off for this, so I won't be her.

I think your update is the right position. You need to be a best friend and be there for her.

Let go of the DH and step back from the mutual friend, your BF is your priority.

Well you've already picked a side really, haven't you? You don't want to lose your best friend so you will accept her affair partner as her new man. Her poor DH and mutual friend will just have to get on with it and know that they can't rely on you. Your best friend has lied to you, at least by omission, while she has carried on an affair with the husband of someone she has a friendship with and sees socially. That's pretty despicable in my opinion.

You trust her now with your husband because she’s loved up with someone else’s husband. Consider the scenario… a few years down the line when her current man had cheated and left her. She’s feeling vulnerable and wants to stay with you. You go out of town to visit family. Would you know in your heart there is no way she would find comfort in your husband?

My point being you are either someone who is selfish and can justify hurting those around you for your selfish needs or you are not. It doesn’t matter if you are blood relatives or a friend. Once people show you who they are believe them. If my best friend did this, I would support them but I would never trust them 100%.

You are being manipulated by MF.

Many years ago my older sister had a long running affair, she would use my brother and his wife as cover, explaining to her DH that she was meeting them or needed for babysitting or whatever when she was meeting the other man. My DH and SIL were fine with that, but it became no longer fine when SIL discovered my brother/her DH was later having an affair of his own. By colluding with our sister, my brother had shown his wife exactly what he thought of fidelity in marriage, but his wife never thought that far ahead as she was excited to be on the inside of sisters affair secret. She never thought of it happening to her.

My long winded point is consider all these parties carefully OP, consider very carefully who has values that you want in your life.

Take a step back. You can’t support either of them through this. When the dust settles you can figure out your friendships.

”would you trust her with your husband?”

uhhhhh i’m sure she trusts her husband which is what matters

@Endofyear I haven't said I accept him as her partner nor have I condoned what they've done. It is despicable behaviour and I've told her that. I've told her I won't be socialising with them as a couple for the foreseeable and actually I don't think it will work out long term between them personally. I think in a vast majority of affair cases, it's all fun at the start but once life settles down, it comes crashing down. Her DH and MF made some comments when I said something about it being the forseeable future, they feel like I should never, ever socialise with them as a couple and I said I won't know what I'll do until the time comes if she asks me to. Also, as much as I am friends with her DH and MF, they do have their own friends to be reliant on that are fully on their side and not sat in the middle like I am. I don't want to lose any friendships but do feel MF will not like to be told I can't be her sounding board, so she may choose to no longer be friends with me, not me making that choice.

@OchreRaven I would still trust her mainly because I know he is definitely not her type but also as @Workhardcryharder says, I trust my husband. He would tell me if she ever said anything to raise an eyebrow!

@Dontbeme she knows I would never have colluded on this if I had known and I know from her DH that she never tried to use me as a cover story fortunately. If she had, that would've probably changed things for me

The thing is unless people have been in this situation they view it like an episode of Coronation Street, forgetting that there are real people involved with real emotions tangled up. Dropping someone like a stone is sometimes neither realistic nor practical.

I've been here, it was involving family rather than friends but put simply someone I loved cheated on someone else who I loved (AP wasn't anyone we knew though) and the fall out was horrendous. I'm not saying this will happen with you but after years of allowing the dust to settle everything has worked out, affair pair are still happily together and everyone now gets on well.

The only advice I can give you from experience is to block out the noise and make decisions you can live with. Other people might not like them and it may cause some initial agro but it's a lot easier in the long term.

Why do you want to keep this friend? You don't share fundamental values like honesty and integrity. She's manipulating you to accept her greasy AP and spend time with them as a couple? That's a bitch, girl.
You can find friends who have the same values as you. Ultimately, you have to decide how important your principles are to you.

Because she is like a sister to me, I can't just switch off the decades of loyalty she has had previously to me. She is not asking me to accept AP and is respecting the boundaries I have put in place e.g I don't want to talk about their relationship and I don't want to be around him

I think if you want to remain friends with them you need to tell then to stop talking to you about it

Give time for the dust to settle...
It's understandable that you want to remain friends with your long time friend, I bet you've helped each other through years. I hope all adults find a way to carry on for the sake of children involved. You may end up losing the friendship of BF-exDH, and MF, it's natural.
This shall too pass.

Many years ago I found out my then husband was cheating on me with one of my closest friends who was also a work colleague. It was horrendous I had other friends who helped me to pick myself up and get on with my life but I distanced myself from all the mutual friends of my ex and ow, it wasn’t a conscious decision it just sort of happened, I think, although she has behaved appallingly you know you have already picked your BF

Okay, it looks like you've already decided what to do. Just know that one day, when your friend is caught, her husband is going to be furious with you for knowing about it but not warning him. You will lose him as a friend.

I'm going to presume you have not read the full thread? The affair is already out in the open and both BF and AP have ended their relationships to be together. I had no knowledge of the affair during it and only found out after she told her husband.

I am so sorry that happened to you. She knows how I feel about what she's done, it is appalling behaviour and there is no excuse for it but I love her and won't cut her off because of it. As sad as I will be to lose any friends in this, as it's not my fault, I will understand if he feels he needs to distance himself from my DH and me.

You have to pick a side. This is the consequences for all the people around your BF & her AP because of the decisions they have made.

What side you pick will all come down to the relationship you have and your own moral and ethical view point.

You say you are close as siblings. This happened in my family between actual siblings and everyone sided with the one being cheated on. Since the other friend isn't as close to you, your friendship will likely be another loss to her.

Personally for me it would change my relationship with my BF. For her to sustain a year long affair she has lied, manipulated and deceived every one around her for 365 days. Her and her AP have caused incredible harm to multiple people around them and their is kids involved.

Life is short, I only have so much energy and space to share with people. So the older I get I choose wisely.

She wouldn't be someone I would want to share either with.

If my own sisters did the same I would likely have the same feelings to be honest.

But MF & DH have their own best friends to be on their side?

My bad. Apologies.

I would proceed with caution in supporting your best fried because she willingly had an affair with the husband of a friend. She didn't think twice about breaking up a marriage; her needs came first. So you need to consider that she may do this to you or another friend in the future.

To her friendship is nothing & she's quite willing to take something that didn't belong to her. You both don't see friendship in the same way, you wouldn't have an affair with the dh of a friend but she would. This fact already sets you apart and may cause you problems in the future.

Am in similar situation. It’s awful

The problem is you're stabbing your friend in the back by letting your Bf flag her off and claim that your friend is manipulative.
Be serious here you can't keep sitting on the fence be friends with both nor can you support both of them. You need to choose who you want to remain friends with, the person who was happy to cheat and wreck not only her marriage but also the marriage/relationship of another supposed friend or the victim who has already lost her husband/partner and 1 so called friend in the worst possible way and now has you playing Switzerland.
Btw do both of your friends know that your still seeing them both if not you need to be honest with them and you may find that they take the choice away from you