I think I've changed my mind about more kids, feel like I've screwed over my partner

[halftimemom]

I divorced my kids dad when they were very small, their step dad came into their life about a year later. We were both 27 at the time, I was doing 50/50 with my kids dad and at first I was devastated by it, felt like I wasn't a proper mum and was missing half their childhoods. He is an amazing partner and step dad, the kids adore him and him them. They have a really close bond and it means a lot to me, he is very important to them. He doesn't have kids of his own and always maintained that he wants at least one, and I always said I wanted another partly to have one with him, and complete our family together but a large part because I wanted to experience their entire childhood.

We are now both 32, and there have been lots of excuses for the time not being right on my side because I'm anxious about the thought of starting again, he said to me last night that he's beginning to worry we're missing our chance, my kids are getting older and he is worried I've changed my mind, I reassured him that I haven't, that I was just nervous, but I couldn't sleep last night thinking actually.. I just don't know. I have half my life as mum, but half my life for myself. Doing 50/50 since my kids were tiny (a baby and a toddler) I've kind of gotten past the sadness now, and actually see that there are advantages to co-parenting, selfish ones, like time to myself, space to just be an adult, go away as much as we want, meals out without the kids. I've grown to not just tolerate it, but love it. I don't really know if I want to give that up. I don't know if I'd be a good mum 100% of the time when I'm so used to having space and time for myself. But if I say I've changed my mind now, I've wasted 5 years of his time, gotten him and my kids to build such a beautiful close bond, to possibly lose him? I can't begrudge him for wanting one of his own, I understand he loves my kids but they aren't biologically his, and he has always maintained that he wants one.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I just feel so guilty and I don't know what to say or do. Has anyone been in this position?

You need to tell him today how you are honestly feeling and give him a short timescale for your final decision, like a couple of weeks.

He is living with a false expectation and understanding and its not fair on him.

In the past you may have been answering honestly about how you felt at the time, but you have not answered him honestly now. How you are answering now is on you, and you are responsible for the fact you are now lying to him and keeping him hanging on under false pretences.

I realise this is a difficult situation for you but he deserves your decency and honesty.

You’ve got to tell him today and accept it graciously when he wants to split up. He should have his chance to be a dad.

Be honest with him NOW

Don't lead him on anymore. If he is serious about wanting DC, he will likely make the decision for himself in the next couple of years anyway. The outcome will be the same for your DC, only with more years of them viewing him as a permanent fixture. Tell him today.

I just don't know what to say. I do love the idea of having a baby with him, of course I do, he would be a brilliant dad and my kids adore him. I adore him. It has been the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life. I don't want to lose that. We just have such a good life, we have such fun with my kids but we get half our time to be us, and we love those times. The thought of losing that half of my life does feel sad. I think it would be really hard for us, he's exhausted when my kids leave.. we both are! I'm just not sure being mum and dad all the time would be as good as it currently is. I just don't know what to do.

Tell him, I love our life now and I am scared of changing it, can we think together about what this would really look like, not you persuading me or me persuading you, just really talking about what it will mean for us practically and emotionally.

Tell him exactly what you have said here. I think you have articulated it well. And I understand the conundrum. You love your life now, and if he didn’t want a child you wouldn’t be pushing for it. But you love him and want to make him happy.

I don’t know what happened in your first marriage but presumably he wasn’t a supportive partner while having young kids? Could you be worried that that will happen again? I think therapy would be good to get to the root of what is holding you back and whether this can be overcome.

As you know having a baby is a life changing event and not something to do just to please someone else.

Sounds like you're not ready to be a parent with HIM just now and you want the courtship side still for some time. The question is whether that's going to change and you want to share a child together or not? I feel a huge bond between my husband and I with our children and would likely want to do that again if we'd split and is found another Mr Right, that's what you need to consider here

What's the deal marriage wise? If he's so worried about missing the boat regarding babies, why hasn't he walked you down the isle yet?

Unless of course you've discussed it and you're not pro marriage.

I'm always dubious of any man who wants you to make the huge commitment of having a child without the protection marriage affords. It's disrespectful too.

That aside, he has many years in which he can father children so argueably if you decide not to have them, he has plenty time to have kids with a new partner. At least a decade. So I don't think there needs to be a major rush.

I'd take 6 months to really thinking it over and then let him know. I'd be asking him what his plans for marriage first are too if that's something you would ever want to do as that should be in place before kids. Otherwise it's less likely to be happening.

Use discretion on whether or not to tell him you are unsure now or, wait until you are sure one way or another. But don't drag it out. You've thinking to do.

You have to tell him, you can't string him along and rob him of his chance to be a father.

You do know what to do, you HAVE to tell him !!!

there are often threads on here where it is the man that has future faked the female re children, and as you know it is harder the older the female becomes - luckily being a man it is easier for him.

He has to be allowed a choice.

One thing to take into consideration is that if you have a child with him it still could and should be 50/50 without separating first. If this is what you're nervous about, rather then the having another child itself, talk to him about it. Let him present to you how it will work, what sort of parent he'd be and family you'd have

If you don't then it's a different but even more important conversation.

You do know what to say - you have said it well here - you are just scared of the consequences of saying it.

I've read your post again, and its clear that for some time you have been thinking of excuses to put off having a baby with him, but the real reason - that you are keeping from him - is that you don't really want to have a baby with him anymore.

You have been dishonest with him for some time. By lying by omission you are manipulating him into staying with you under false pretences.

This is a terrible way to treat someone whom it seems has only treated you and your children faultlessly.

This is his life and if you respected him, in the way he seems to respect you, you would would allow him to have agency over his own life by being honest with him. He gets to decide if he wants to remain in a relationship with you if you do not want children. You do not, morally, get to decide that he stays with you by with-holding this information from him.

You need to be honest with him about how you feel, and you need to quickly, within weeks, decide if you do want a baby with him, and you need to let him decide if he wants to stay with you on that basis.

Male fertility does not suddenly stop in the way women's does, but it does decline and delay is reducing his chance of Fatherhood and increasing his chance of a child with disability. He also needs time to find a partner he wants children with. He needs time for that too.

When there are men who have messed women around with promises that they do want children but the day they want to start trying for a family never arrives, those men are rightly and roundly condemned on here. Well, you are doing the same to this man.

Based on her post, OP has already been stringing him along for some time. This needs to stop immediately. She needs to start talking with him now.

At the moment she has promised him that she really is committed to having a baby with him. That blatant lying is unacceptable.

Ah OP, I understand that this is a hard, hard conversation but you know you MUST tell him how you are feeling.

If you're honest with yourself, you've already strung this out & used up time where he could have been enjoying his own child, in his prime years.

It's heartbreaking, and I feel for you but the right thing to do.

You have to let him know asap OP - and be prepared that he might end the relationship

From my understanding @halftimemom your reluctance is partly due your past experiences and feeling that it would be a huge negative to not have time without the baby?

You say that your partner would be a great father. So it is very likely that you'd get to bond with him over the care of your potential new baby, that he'd want to be very involved. More so than your previous experience.

I would echo what other posters have said, you both need to actually talk about how life might be like with a new baby - perhaps ensure that there is a definite sharing of responsibilities or team working.

Your view of baby hood may be skewed by your passed experiences with your ex. Do you feel that things could be better this time around? That you'd have the support of your partner?

Maybe you just need to voice your concerns and hear what your partner says and whether you feel sufficiently rereassured that having a baby with this man can be a wholly positive experience for you both.

Potentially difficult conversations need to be had. Please be willing to be honest about your fears.

You're in the win here you've had your kids and you are in a good relationship. He's in a good relationship but there's something missing..... he wants his own child . He's said that from the beginning and you were in boat with this . Nothing wrong with changing your mind as having an extra child takes a toll on everything!!! But he needs to know ASAP

I went through this.
I am 34 and currently 13 weeks pregnant with my second child. I could not be happier.

My oldest (and only child) is 17. He will be almost 18 by the time his sibling joins us in the world. I left my ex husband 3 years ago. A year later, I met my now DP. He made it very clear to me early on that he wanted children and it’s something he’s wanted since he was quite young. I still wasn’t sure whether I was done having children or not due to always wanting a second DC but experiencing infertility for 13+ years after DS was born (due to my weight). I lost weight 3 years ago so knew it might be a possibility.

After leaving my ex husband, I started to live my life to the fullest and enjoy so much freedom I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager. I then became unsure about “starting again”!

As my relationship with DP went on, I just knew I wanted to have a DC with him. But I still had my doubts. We came off contraception late last year and I conceived almost right away. We took a pregnancy test together but I was never convinced I’d ever see a BFP again because I’d tried for so long with ex husband. But seeing that BFP on that test told me within seconds just how happy I was about becoming a mother again. I have never felt joy like it. I was overwhelmed with happiness and emotion.

I just wanted to share this because I truly get it. Having doubts is completely normal. If you made the decision to not have any more children, that is absolutely OK too. But it would likely mean saying goodbye to your DP.

My advice would be to envision what your life could potentially look like if you brought a little one into the world with your DP. How he would be as a father. How you would cope with a newborn. How your DC would feel.

Would you regret it further down the line if you didn’t go for it?

Just some things to consider.

She wasn't lying though. She said it herself it's only after she reassured him she really realised that she really isn't sure. That's just changing her mind after the fact.

If she were to continue to reassure him she was certain NOW, then it would be lying. Though there's nothing to prevent her taking a few more months to think things through before broaching what she wants with him. Its not like he's a woman and so it runs down his clock.

If he brings it up before then, she should definitely be honest. But otherwise, as is, there's no need to cause a fuss until she's sure. A few more months to consider the practicalities won't hurt. Without the extra pressure of him trying to convince her or perhaps moping about it.

Here’s what I would do:

• give yourself a deadline of a month to decide whether you want another child or not
• in that time, think long and hard yourself and speak to a trusted friend about how you feel too, for another take on it
• speak to your DH and tell him your decision at the end of the month

It depends really.

What is worse? Breaking up with him and losing him all together, or having a baby with him?

Tell him the truth about how you love your alone time with him and you're worried how you'll cope without that.

My friend married and then her husband said he didn't actually want kids as he loved nice things and kids are expensive. They are now in their 60s, can buy what they want and he's full of regret.

It is a big thing to deny someone a child. You have to give him the choice and not be selfish about what you will be giving up.

She can't have a baby as the least worst option! Not for any reason but she wants one and she wants his.