I think I've changed my mind about more kids, feel like I've screwed over my partner

[halftimemom]

I divorced my kids dad when they were very small, their step dad came into their life about a year later. We were both 27 at the time, I was doing 50/50 with my kids dad and at first I was devastated by it, felt like I wasn't a proper mum and was missing half their childhoods. He is an amazing partner and step dad, the kids adore him and him them. They have a really close bond and it means a lot to me, he is very important to them. He doesn't have kids of his own and always maintained that he wants at least one, and I always said I wanted another partly to have one with him, and complete our family together but a large part because I wanted to experience their entire childhood.

We are now both 32, and there have been lots of excuses for the time not being right on my side because I'm anxious about the thought of starting again, he said to me last night that he's beginning to worry we're missing our chance, my kids are getting older and he is worried I've changed my mind, I reassured him that I haven't, that I was just nervous, but I couldn't sleep last night thinking actually.. I just don't know. I have half my life as mum, but half my life for myself. Doing 50/50 since my kids were tiny (a baby and a toddler) I've kind of gotten past the sadness now, and actually see that there are advantages to co-parenting, selfish ones, like time to myself, space to just be an adult, go away as much as we want, meals out without the kids. I've grown to not just tolerate it, but love it. I don't really know if I want to give that up. I don't know if I'd be a good mum 100% of the time when I'm so used to having space and time for myself. But if I say I've changed my mind now, I've wasted 5 years of his time, gotten him and my kids to build such a beautiful close bond, to possibly lose him? I can't begrudge him for wanting one of his own, I understand he loves my kids but they aren't biologically his, and he has always maintained that he wants one.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I just feel so guilty and I don't know what to say or do. Has anyone been in this position?

I think you need to explain carefully about how it will change the relationship as there won’t be any child free time together. If you discuss it from that point of view and give him a little time to think about it he might change his mind. Obviously if he doesn’t you’ll have to say you don’t want one

This is absolutely not the guaranteed outcome!

So DC arrives & he finds out actually, it's not the dream he envisioned, or the baby has additional needs & he doesn't cope, so he disappears, leaving OP with a baby to raise solo for 18 years.

The ONLY reason for women to have a baby is cause she WANTS a baby.

Yes I was in a similar position but it was more about being financially vulnerable that I was scared of. I had a wonderful little boy who has cemented the relationship with my DH. It's so sad you feel that time to yourself is so important. It will upset your existing DC and lose a nice man to grown older with. Just have one baby. There are plenty of nurseries around so you could get a bit of time off plus your partner will be with you.

You say he is exhausted when your children go back to their father, has your DP ever looked after your children on his own? Perhaps doing so would give him a better understanding of what having a child of his own will be like, as there will be times he will have to care for his child while you are out, at work, a weekend away with friends, whatever. It would also help if he spent a week with an alarm clock going off every hour or so every night.

I suppose all that is beside the point as wanting a child of his own is beyond the practicalities. I just think the situation is so sad, for both of you. It’s not something you can compromise on

OP said this,
We are now both 32, and there have been lots of excuses for the time not being right on my side because I'm anxious about the thought of starting again

Whatever, she knows she’s not committed to having children NOW. She knows she has just told him that she is committed. Allowing him to believe this is the case is deliberately deceptive. It’s unfair on him. He has directly asked for the truth and he deserves it.

Well look on the bright side. You’ll have plenty of time to date after you break up.

I'm going to offer a contrary opinion: it sounds as though you will spoil yours and your children's lives far more by losing this wonderful man and stable father figure than by having another baby.

I wonder if what you are hoping to discover is some way to keep him and not have the baby. That is simply not an option so you need to let it go. You cannot keep this life you've "come to love" just as it is. However much you want to. Don't get stuck wishing it were otherwise. You're going to have to choose something different.

Personally I think that if you have the resources (not just what you have but who you are) to be a good parent then there isn't a "bad reason" to have a baby. Just as there isn't a "good reason" to have a baby - it's all selfishness in the end. What matters is how you nurture and prioritise a child once they exist, not whatever reason you chose (or didn't choose) to conceive them. He and the set up he offers your children sounds like a good enough reason to have a baby in my opinion. But maybe not - if you would genuinely rather be single (which you may do). Bear in mind that people who don't have or want their own children but are happy to help raise someone else's children are few and far between. So, if you leave this relationship for this reason your future prospects are likely to be someone who merely tolerates your children, or someone with their own children for you to step-parent and all the complexity that brings. Or waiting until your children are grown and flown. Or possibly a much older partner whose children have grown and flown. Not always. But likely.

I'm team baby unless you genuinely feel you could not effectively parent or it would be significantly detrimental to your existing children. But by the same token, only you know what you really want more - a loving relationship or the freedom of not having a child 100% of the time. However I agree with PP re marriage first.

If I were you I would be planning for the baby and asking my partner to plan a small wedding for about four months time..

Tell him you will choose a wedding dress and clothes for your kids and he can do most of the rest.

You say this is your best relationship. You say this man has parented your children and that you always told him you wanted another child. He will be a supportive father and it is selfish for you to deprive him of a child when all along you were on the same page. It will never be a better time to have a child with him.

A baby will possibly cause much adjustment and there'll be no time to regret. Think of the baby above all.

She doesn't owe him a baby if she's changed her mind. It's not selfish to not have one.

But she needs to be honest with him so that he can make an informed decision about whether to stay or not.

@halftimemom you just have to tell him and let him make his own decision. One of my friends had to do this. She has her child almost 100% of the time and doesn't want more. He's such an amazing step dad, we are all wowed by him. He was really devastated when she told him but still stayed. And if your partner really wants a biological child, he needs to go find that.

You need to tell him the truth now. It's that simple. It was OK when you thought you wanted another, that wasn't a lie then but you can't truthfully talk about wanting one now, he deserves to know that its most likely or definetly not going to happen now. Right now he has time on his side to find someone who wants a child with him, it would be incredibly selfish and very wrong to rob him of that.

All very good reasons to not want another baby, and the foundation of a great and extremely needed conversation with your partner. All of this needs to be discussed with him, its the conversation every couple should have before bringing a child into the world. Exactly your fears could come to life, and he may experience what you are worrying about even more than you do. What happens if baby parenting isn't for him and he walks away! Talk to him, sound him out, find out how much he is prepared for this, will he be doing night feeds, will he be doing at least 50% of the work? How prepared is he for this. You cant make this decision without having a clearer understanding of his position. It wont be the same as the first time, you'll have a partner and just 1 baby. Are you better financially protected if you marry? Think about that too, because the time to do it is before, not waiting till after a birth. Go into the conversation prepared to make the decision after it, he responses to all your concerns will guide you.

It is your decision at the end of the day to have another child. Not his. But of course he then has to choice whether to stay with you or not. So you know you need to tell him.

How old are your kids? I assume primary school age. Mine are 9 and 7 and I absolutely would not want a baby now. Thankfully neither does DH.

I’d explain it to him like you have us. If he finds your DC exhausting then a baby/toddler full time will be even more so? Will he be an involved parent and do you have support like grandparents etc? I do think that kind of thing makes a huge difference.

Ultimately though if you don’t want a baby because you don’t want to give up your nice child free couple life, you could end up giving that up anyway as he could leave you. But that shouldn’t be a reason to have a child with him!

You need to have this conversation with him now so that he can make an informed decision. He needs to know that there is a possibility of him not having a baby with you, and allow him to decide of that is something he can live with.

If not, he needs to know so he can end things now and find someone who wants what he wants.

This is a very tricky situation, I think you have to be honest with him and with yourself OP.
Ultimately it's the woman who makes BY FAR the greatest sacrifice when it comes to gestating, giving birth to and caring for a child.

I think posters suggesting you may be able to persuade him out of having kids by telling him how hard it will be are probably barking up the wrong tree.

Having kids is often a biological drive/ emotional decision rather logical one. How many children you have may be more practical, but whether to become a parent or not is less so. It seems that he has always known he wants his own kids. All of us are prepared to do hard work for things we really want. I doubt the idea of hard work will put him off something that appears to be a ( perhaps ‘the’ ) central thing he wants to do with his life.

It's an unfortunate situation OP, but it's better when it happens this way round. Your DP will be able to leave and find a new partner to have a baby with if he wants to, which would be harder for a woman due to the impact on their fertility of getting older. Don't have a baby unless you really, really want one - and it definitely doesn't sound like that's the case! You have to be honest with your partner, he will feel that you have mis led him but you're allowed to change your mind.

32 is really young, and you've already had kids so your fertility is likely good. Tell him you want 3 years to enjoy being just with him then have a baby. And get married during that time.

But @Youcalyptus if she doesn't want a baby now is she really more likely to want one in 3 years? She would be making promises that she can't keep.

You owe it to him to tell him the truth. He's been clear in his expectation and hope for a child of his own. If you are now not prepared to commit to another child then you owe him the right to decide that the relationship is over and he can find someone else with whom to have a family. If you keep on leading him on, I think the relationship will end snyway and end badly. He sounds like he's been clear with you, he deserves for you to treat him with respect and honesty.

Yes....but they're your kids, not his. As much as they get on, if you ever split up, he will have zero right to see them afterwards, and any positive effort he's put into their lives so far will come to nothing except memories.

Your life is fulfilling for you because you've had your biological children already, and he hasn't.

One thing I don't see in the OP's posts or any replies is any consideration on the impact of her existing children. How will they feel having a half-sibling taking up all their mother's attention and time when they only get to see her 50%? How will they feel if their stepfather favours his child, which sounds very likely as he's so adamant on having a biological one?

This is foolish advice.

32 is not really young. It's young compared to 60 maybe, but reproductively it's not very young. That doesn't mean that women don't conceive healthy babies at 35, but at that age, she might start experiencing the early signs of peri-menopause which can occur a decade before it actually hits. In that time, she could also develop other unforeseen health issues which could make conceiving difficult.

It's possible she'll be ready for another baby by then, but it sounds to me like it's more likely that she'll grow increasingly comfortable with their life as it now is, and then if he wants kids, he'll be back in the dating pool in his mid-30s (presumably), which a much smaller pool of single women if he wants to date someone his own age.

@halftimemom

Why don’t you talk to him honestly and tell him about what worries you??

Because to me it doesn't sound like you don't want more kids, or kids with him specifically - rather you are concerned with the impact on your life?
And maybe you two can discuss how you can mitigate it? Is there family that you could rely on? Or can you afford help?

In the end of the day - you are still quite young. You can wait for a bit yet to see how you feel - or organise life such as to still do a lot of things you like to do as as adults only.

In parallel - I’d really consider how your life would be while if you do break up after this.

A lot of things are choices in life. And some of the choices might not be what we think we want at the moment - but they may be still the best choice considering everything.

As a side note - are you married to you partner? If not - why not? it make better sense to not be married to protect you assets?
If not - I’d not be considering having children with someone who has not fully committed to the relationship…