I think I've changed my mind about more kids, feel like I've screwed over my partner

[halftimemom]

I divorced my kids dad when they were very small, their step dad came into their life about a year later. We were both 27 at the time, I was doing 50/50 with my kids dad and at first I was devastated by it, felt like I wasn't a proper mum and was missing half their childhoods. He is an amazing partner and step dad, the kids adore him and him them. They have a really close bond and it means a lot to me, he is very important to them. He doesn't have kids of his own and always maintained that he wants at least one, and I always said I wanted another partly to have one with him, and complete our family together but a large part because I wanted to experience their entire childhood.

We are now both 32, and there have been lots of excuses for the time not being right on my side because I'm anxious about the thought of starting again, he said to me last night that he's beginning to worry we're missing our chance, my kids are getting older and he is worried I've changed my mind, I reassured him that I haven't, that I was just nervous, but I couldn't sleep last night thinking actually.. I just don't know. I have half my life as mum, but half my life for myself. Doing 50/50 since my kids were tiny (a baby and a toddler) I've kind of gotten past the sadness now, and actually see that there are advantages to co-parenting, selfish ones, like time to myself, space to just be an adult, go away as much as we want, meals out without the kids. I've grown to not just tolerate it, but love it. I don't really know if I want to give that up. I don't know if I'd be a good mum 100% of the time when I'm so used to having space and time for myself. But if I say I've changed my mind now, I've wasted 5 years of his time, gotten him and my kids to build such a beautiful close bond, to possibly lose him? I can't begrudge him for wanting one of his own, I understand he loves my kids but they aren't biologically his, and he has always maintained that he wants one.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I just feel so guilty and I don't know what to say or do. Has anyone been in this position?

^ This is the best approach I've read so far ^

Think you are being silly to think you missed 50 % of their childhood. This would be if you didn't see a 10 year old at all for five years between ages of five and 10 at all.
Seeing them through their childhood even 3.5 days and nights a week is not missing out on them growing up

I think before you have a talk with him, you need to be very honest with yourself about what you actually want. Take your people pleasing hat off, remove any thoughts of “selfish” reasons (you’re allowed to put yourself and your existing DC first), and figure out if YOU actually want another baby for you. Not to keep or please your partner, but because it’s what you actually really want.

Have you thought about how you’d feel if you split, how would that look? Are you happy to go right back to the baby stage, or now your DC are older are you looking forward to having more freedom, less childcare worries, more independence?

it might benefit you to talk it through with a therapist, just you not with your DP, so that you can figure out what you want.

Thats not fair. Op doesnt know if she will want a baby in 3 years.

She needs to be honest that she may never want any more children and let him decide if he wants to risk never having a baby of his own or end the relationship to see if he can find someone who wants a baby with him

I don't know why it's seen as a case of never getting child free time?

You have a fully supportive partner who really wants a baby with you.
You have two older children who will entertain it
You can have babysitters .
You could make it work if you want to. The question is do you really want to?

I had child after a big gap and it was so different to when I was struggling with the first ones.. The older ones were delighted with the baby and constantly entertained him ( sometimes too much! 😂) but overall there were more of us in the house and we had an established routine. I was an experienced parent by then.

Respect him as he respects you and your children. Be honest with him. He deserves honesty.

Time to make up your mind, have a child with him or tell him you are not going to have another child. Why you make that decision is up to you, but mean it and stick to it. If you have a child with him do it whole heartedly and don't harbour resentment and complain about it in the future. Don't tell him you're not sure and then reluctantly agree, that's the worst of all outcomes.

@dogcatkitten - good point.

Try to imagine the future with him, but him without his own child. Him turning up to your childrens' weddings but not as their father, him going to their graduations but not as their father, him holding your grandchildren but not his own.

If you don't want another child, he needs to know now. He deserves what you have.

If you decide that you do want a child with him, then do not be tempted to throw it back in his face when the hard work starts inevitably in the first few years of the child's life.