Married life and money

[Daisy107]

Hello
we moved to new area, hubby found a f/ time job asap unfortunately I have had few hiccups but finally found a part time job for moment ,until I get full time one. It's not financially great but I'm bringing something home in pay packet, better than nothing.. Before we moved we were both in f/ time jobs and usually put half each into a joint account for household bills then we pay our own car insurance, petrol, credit card bills separately etc etc he liked it this way.
Now obviously I am not able to pay half of household bill, I've taken a £600 drop in wages monthly..I can't put as much as I can into the account, straight to the point he won't help me out, he won't put any extra into the joint account..he puts his share in and leaves me to figure how I'm going to pay everything which I can't. I've asked for him to sit and work it out with me but he won't, he just says I'm giving you my half that s it, not my problem..
I've keep moved bills around to accommodate this but obviously there building up and next month got to pay that bit extra etc etc which I can't cover..
I've spent a lot of tears over this as trying my best to get a full time job..it's stressful..I'm trying to get overtime at work too, literally trying my best. Or even a second job...
He is set in his ways, last month he went on spending spree for himself and then put £200 into his credit card, we didn't have alot of food in cupboards behind on bills and he did that..im.like wtf ...he earns a large amount a month so definitely can cover me to help out but he won't...he just says not my problem.
Don't know what to do !
Thanks daisy x

You are being economically abused by him. This is controlling and abusive behaviour on his part and it's not going to get any better for you. He deliberately wants to keep you short and scrabbling around for money for you to pay what he sees as "your share".

I would seriously consider putting the wheels in motion now into you leaving him. I am sorry to write this but you're being mistreated here and he does not care for you at all.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/understanding-economic-abuse/am-i-experiencing-economic-abuse/

This is a useful website to read.

Was there a specific reason for moving away since work it appears that a work transfer wasn't one of them. Seems you both had to look for jobs and he has FT work already, but you don't yet (FT).

So he is not going to tolerate the cheek of you working part time, and his refusal to help pay the bills is designed to get you out into full time work ASAP, i.e. tomorrow. No leeway.

If you were single you would only have to pay for YOU. What benefit is being married to him now, apart from a divorce settlement and child maintenance (if you have kids). He will not change, he refuses to be in a partnership with you. So think about divorcing asap. I think your life will be miserable if you don't.

He sounds very domineering, set in his ways and very intolerant. I know FT work for both of you is needed, but he isn't prepared to give you time to get a job you might find suitable. All or nothing.

That's not how a marriage should work OP. At all. You are together on everything.

You're clearly trying hard to find a full time job. You could've waited go find one but instead got a part time one so you're still contributing in the interim.

He definitely should be temporarily compensating for your drop in income.

What a dick.

What is his reason for expecting you to contribute the same despite the drop in income? What is his justification?

I would absolutely devastated if my husband treated me like this

This is disgusting. Do you have children together?

I couldn't be with a man like that. It's financial abuse.

I'd be filing for divorce.

He'll find himself paying his entire mortgage/bills/etc alone once the finances are sorted out.

He's a waste of space and doesn't see you as partners in any way. Leave.

What a tool.
Why does anyone think this is an acceptable way to treat a partner they are supposed to love?
I've been married a while now - there have been times when he was out of work,times when I've worked less ( children,illness) , and neither of us would have dreamed of taking that attitude.We've always had enough between the two of us,and that's the whole point of being married - you are a partnership.

As others have said, he is financially abusing you.

I am also puzzled about why you would up sticks and move, when neither of you had a job to go to, without discussing how you would manages if either one of you weren't able to get a job straight away .

OP he sounds really horrible, mean and financially abusive. Marriage shouldn't feel like this. He won't talk to find a way forward so I think you've come to the end of the line with this relationship. Gather all family financial info and seek some legal advice about divorce. Good luck x

You’re being abused by this selfish prick.

The while time I was married, we had a joint account where all bills were paid from and whatever was left over was for nothing of us. Marriage is about both being in it together, not one taking advantage of the other.

Any decent husband would be picking up the financial slack not punishing you.

I don’t think I could get past this

Get a divorce. It’s abuse.

God there are SO many of these men.

Agree with everything above posters have said.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED

Agree with previous posters - this is financial abuse. Ime if you are married, all resources are pooled. Dh and I are retired, but I still do some part time work during school exams and this additional income goes into our shared finances.

Hello
We had opportunity to move to a better location different county...I did have a job lined up had interview few weeks before move, it was full time all ready to go once moved ready to start they decided to down scale the company so it was a no go job...I was fuming...
So since applying and applying for anything and everything...I'm not one to be out of work so took something to bring in some money..
I approached him tonight to sit and work money out or to at least make arrangements maybe to do it at the weekend..he went mad I'm not helping you out, your issue for not having a job etc etc.ive got to pay off my stuff etc etc...
He's walked out in a mood , telling me his going to leave as fed up with my mood swings and attitude! So it's all my favourite or then !

He was in and out of work over the years even before we moved he didn't work for a bit as his excuse was he's waiting to move but I supported him paid all bills everything was up to date, and that's what's made me upset I supported him why not him support me . No children together I have adult child

This isn't what a marriage is about.
Doesn't he remember the richer or poorer bit?
In 35 years of marriage my dh always goes out of my way to make sure me and my ( now adult) children have everything we need and want.
I agree with others you are being controlled and financially abused.
He is a disgusting husband.
You need to figure out if you want this for the rest of your life.

I supported him paid all bills everything

And now when you need support, it's your problem? What does he say when you point out how much you paid for him?

He does not sound like a nice person.

I've said we're a team , even his family have told him we're married support each other, he just says yea yea yea.. I said how I supported him he just brushes it off and changes it around to me having a attitude

@Daisy107 aren't you furious?

Furious..angry and I'm disappointed, upset, totally in shock by his reaction. Feel let down. I don't know what to pay or not to pay or what to do really . Feel a fool that I naturally supported him and I have nothing in return, makes me think what have I actually done wrong.

Hang on, hang on…
To everyone saying it’s financial abuse - err no it’s not.
Yes it’s not very loving behaviour and fine everyone thinks it’s not how married people should be. And I’d agree.
But it’s not financial abuse.

The problem is the OP isn’t earning enough to meet 50% of the costs of the couple’s lifestyle. Thats the problem that needs solving.
Flip the roles and MN calls him a cocklodger, says she’s being financially abused and to kick him out.
But when it’s this way round everyone’s ‘furious’ and again (confusingly) chiming in with financial abuse.
Threads like this make it clear why so many relationships now want finances 50/50, agreements written up, advice by all don’t get married, if you do get married make sure your assets are out of your etc.

It’s not you, it’s him.

What does your adult child think of him?.

I would see a solicitor on the quiet and discuss all aspects of divorce.

I disagree. I think it's abuse. The op is working as best she can, she said she's trying to do overtime and even find a second job. She said she's tried to discuss it and he refuses. She said she's been crying. She said she's been trying to cover her half of things by moving bills around. She also said he earns enough to be able to deal with this situation. It's absolutely vile behaviour. My DH would never treat me like that and vice versa. The op is nothing like a cocklodger...she's having a tough time work wise currently and said has previously helped him out financially.

What a load of nonsense.
It should all be family money.