Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married life and money

78 replies

Daisy107 · 13/03/2025 16:46

Hello
we moved to new area, hubby found a f/ time job asap unfortunately I have had few hiccups but finally found a part time job for moment ,until I get full time one. It's not financially great but I'm bringing something home in pay packet, better than nothing.. Before we moved we were both in f/ time jobs and usually put half each into a joint account for household bills then we pay our own car insurance, petrol, credit card bills separately etc etc he liked it this way.
Now obviously I am not able to pay half of household bill, I've taken a £600 drop in wages monthly..I can't put as much as I can into the account, straight to the point he won't help me out, he won't put any extra into the joint account..he puts his share in and leaves me to figure how I'm going to pay everything which I can't. I've asked for him to sit and work it out with me but he won't, he just says I'm giving you my half that s it, not my problem..
I've keep moved bills around to accommodate this but obviously there building up and next month got to pay that bit extra etc etc which I can't cover..
I've spent a lot of tears over this as trying my best to get a full time job..it's stressful..I'm trying to get overtime at work too, literally trying my best. Or even a second job...
He is set in his ways, last month he went on spending spree for himself and then put £200 into his credit card, we didn't have alot of food in cupboards behind on bills and he did that..im.like wtf ...he earns a large amount a month so definitely can cover me to help out but he won't...he just says not my problem.
Don't know what to do !
Thanks daisy x

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 14/03/2025 08:16

Throwing a strop and disrupting your sleep is emotional abuse. It’s designed to make you feel so uncomfortable that you’ll avoid challenging him in the future and will instead do as you’re told without complaint or question. Do you really want a relationship that is only positive when you’re compliant?
As someone else has also said, this is a worrying indicator of his ability to support you in the event of a future crisis etc.

scoobysnaxx · 14/03/2025 10:17

Daisy107 · 13/03/2025 19:43

He was in and out of work over the years even before we moved he didn't work for a bit as his excuse was he's waiting to move but I supported him paid all bills everything was up to date, and that's what's made me upset I supported him why not him support me . No children together I have adult child

Omg OP DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE.

youve supported him before? And now he refuses?

he’s showing you just how little he respects you. NOT ONE OUNCE!!

DecafDodger · 14/03/2025 10:20

can you imagine doing the same to him when he was unemployed? "You don't have money, tough luck, not my problem!"

TheMagicDeckchair · 14/03/2025 11:18

Kitchensinktoday · 14/03/2025 08:10

My ex said I was ruining the marriage with mood swings - but the only reason I was mad at him, was because he was having an affair. Don’t let him turn this on you, OP

Yes, I wonder if someone else might be involved, and he is trying to push OP away so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Kitchensinktoday · 14/03/2025 11:48

TheMagicDeckchair · 14/03/2025 11:18

Yes, I wonder if someone else might be involved, and he is trying to push OP away so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting there was an OW in this scenario, just trying to illustrate that men often use a woman's reaction to THEIR poor behaviour, and try to turn the whole thing round.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 14/03/2025 11:59

He isn't even prepared to stretch out a hand when you're drowning.

Don't put any of your earnings in the joint account and use the money to leave him.

Marital assets are joint, so he fuck off with his "his money" financial abuse.

And yes, his nasty behaviour after an argument is emotional abuse.

There's no coming back from this.

caringcarer · 14/03/2025 12:02

He clearly doesn't love you or even value you OP. He's not a nice man and you'd probably be a lot happier without him. You need a partner who sees you as part of a team. Honestly I'd move back to my own country and leave him to it. No DC so nothing stopping you. Could you get a full time job if you were back in previous country?

Daisy107 · 14/03/2025 20:33

Unfortunately it's not a option to move back I have no family there anyway and my name is on this place too so feel I shouldn't be the one to leave, thank you for all your comments, it's not a nice feeling my husband doesn't have my back it's worrying me now if anything happens accident or illness what will happen , I'm 54 this year and it's kinda knocked me to help honest

OP posts:
PoppyBaxter · 14/03/2025 20:53

We used to put a proportional amount of money into our joint account each month, until DH lost his job and that made us fully pool our finances. That was 2 years ago and we've stuck with it.

Your husband is bring really unkind in making you struggle.

PonyPatter44 · 14/03/2025 21:03

Your husband is not a good man. I would out all your effort into finding a new full-time job, and think very carefully about whether you want to carry on in this sham of a marriage. Personally I wouldn't be doing one moment of cooking or cleaning for the arsehole, he's made it clear you two aren't partners in any way, so let him get on with it.

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 21:22

I think you have no alternative but to divorce this nasty piece of shit.

Is this new behaviour or has he been abusive before?

MissionToSize10 · 15/03/2025 15:55

get rid of him

MrsTigerface · 15/03/2025 16:01

Msmoonpie · 13/03/2025 18:22

Get a divorce. It’s abuse.

God there are SO many of these men.

I know! So many. It is terribly depressing. OP - leave now. He isn’t suddenly going to change his financial views, and you deserve so much better x

whatswrongwivme · 15/03/2025 16:18

What does it say in the marriage vows? For Richer for poorer. In a marriage finances are shared. If he doesn't agree with that he should never have got married. He knew the deal, he made the vows.

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 15/03/2025 16:28

I'm wondering why paying the bills is your responsibility? It seems that your DH feels that he only needs to put money into the joint account & the cupboards magically fill themselves and the electricity, gas, water etc work whether the bills are paid or not. What would happen if you didn't have enough money for food & there was no milk or coffee & only stale bread & manky cheese to eat?

Whatbloodysummer · 15/03/2025 16:29

As everyone has said already, he's an abusive arsehole who is perfectly happy to watch you struggle and say 'it isn't MY problem', so you need to decide where you go from here.

Personally, I'd be stopping doing anything for him immediately!

No laundry, ironing, washing, shopping, cooking etc, absolutely fuck all for him !

Let him worry about what he's going to wear, cook, eat etc cos it's 'not YOUR problem!'

I'd also be doubling down on my efforts to find work, even a second job, just to make ends meet for now, but medium term I'd be scoping out how to organize leaving the home you share.

If it's mortgaged, then chat to your lender about possibilities and book a free 30 min appointment with a solicitor to find out your options.

If rented, speak to your landlord about whether you can take your name off the agreement etc

So, now that you know, 100%, that he's never going to have your back, or be willing to help you like you helped HIM, the relationship is effectively already over. (He just thinks you'll continue to put up with his selfish nasty behaviour)

I'd also take my name off of any utility bills immediately. It'll be up to him to organize and pay for gas/elec/wi-fi etc if he wants it reconnected (I'd 100% be happy to 'rough it' for a couple of weeks to force him to do that)

You need to do all you can to help yourself get away from him, but you don't need to continue to 'pay 50% of all bills' while living there. (You'll need to get money together to be able to get out )

Devianinc · 15/03/2025 16:35

Can you move back home to family. This just sounds bat shit crazy. Does he have a girlfriend in your new area. Something turned his head.

WhistPie · 15/03/2025 16:54

Daisy107 · 14/03/2025 20:33

Unfortunately it's not a option to move back I have no family there anyway and my name is on this place too so feel I shouldn't be the one to leave, thank you for all your comments, it's not a nice feeling my husband doesn't have my back it's worrying me now if anything happens accident or illness what will happen , I'm 54 this year and it's kinda knocked me to help honest

When you say your name is on this place, are you renting or do you own it?

If renting then terminate the tenancy as soon as possible and move out.

But you seem to have made your mind up to stay and continue being abused.

wherearemypastnames · 15/03/2025 17:12

If you have no family - what about a close friend ? What about a room in a shared house ? What location would give you the best job opportunities

Daisy107 · 17/03/2025 14:48

It's council house. Unfortunately I don't have parents around anymore or siblings.
I have contacted the council regarding getting him out but unfortunately he's got to leave voluntarily unless it's from a police court order etc etc
There was another melt down from him yesterday so no I don't want to continue this, I need to work out what to do going fowards as had discussion with council, if I leave and take my name of council tenancy I be homeless and they can't re home me as only been in this area three months ( need to be in area7 years just to go on list) and I would of made myself homeless. unfortunately I am not financially able to privately to rent so will be contacting citizens advice.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2025 14:59

Men like this are not only financially abusive as you are now seeing.

Are you unable to privately rent primarily because he has control of all, if not most of the money coming in?.

You can try the CAB but as lay people they may well decide that you need a Solicitor instead. I would also contact the organisation called Shelter. You are married to this man though and do have rights in law; exercise those fully now. You're now 54 so not that old.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/03/2025 17:13

sometimesmovingforwards · 13/03/2025 21:03

Hang on, hang on…
To everyone saying it’s financial abuse - err no it’s not.
Yes it’s not very loving behaviour and fine everyone thinks it’s not how married people should be. And I’d agree.
But it’s not financial abuse.

The problem is the OP isn’t earning enough to meet 50% of the costs of the couple’s lifestyle. Thats the problem that needs solving.
Flip the roles and MN calls him a cocklodger, says she’s being financially abused and to kick him out.
But when it’s this way round everyone’s ‘furious’ and again (confusingly) chiming in with financial abuse.
Threads like this make it clear why so many relationships now want finances 50/50, agreements written up, advice by all don’t get married, if you do get married make sure your assets are out of your etc.

Hang on, hang on...

OP says that he was in and out of work a lot and she always supported him. Why isn't it his turn to support her now? She had a full-time job opportunity that fell through as the company downsized.

It is financial abuse if the rules have changed now that her DH needs to help support her for a bit.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/03/2025 17:22

Daisy107 · 17/03/2025 14:48

It's council house. Unfortunately I don't have parents around anymore or siblings.
I have contacted the council regarding getting him out but unfortunately he's got to leave voluntarily unless it's from a police court order etc etc
There was another melt down from him yesterday so no I don't want to continue this, I need to work out what to do going fowards as had discussion with council, if I leave and take my name of council tenancy I be homeless and they can't re home me as only been in this area three months ( need to be in area7 years just to go on list) and I would of made myself homeless. unfortunately I am not financially able to privately to rent so will be contacting citizens advice.

Try and speak to Citizens Advice to see how you legally separate while living in the same house You could then apply for benefits to top up your part-time wages to help pay your half of the rent and bills. As other posters have already said, stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, laundry and don't sleep in the same bed.

Onthemaintrunkline · 17/03/2025 17:26

To say I’m astounded by your husband’s behaviour is putting it lightly😳.
Financially at least you are living like 2 singles! Where does he get these unfair, insulting ideas from. You are a couple. Couples pull together!! One picks up the slack where and when it’s needed. The arrangement he thinks is ok is outrageous.

PeppyTealDuck · 17/03/2025 18:06

What a horrible man, I’m sorry OP. He’s checked out and doesn’t care for you one bit.

How about starting new somewhere cheaper where you could afford a one bed rent even on minimum wage (with some UC top up possibly)? Before you get back on your feet…

Swipe left for the next trending thread