Married life and money

[Daisy107]

Hello
we moved to new area, hubby found a f/ time job asap unfortunately I have had few hiccups but finally found a part time job for moment ,until I get full time one. It's not financially great but I'm bringing something home in pay packet, better than nothing.. Before we moved we were both in f/ time jobs and usually put half each into a joint account for household bills then we pay our own car insurance, petrol, credit card bills separately etc etc he liked it this way.
Now obviously I am not able to pay half of household bill, I've taken a £600 drop in wages monthly..I can't put as much as I can into the account, straight to the point he won't help me out, he won't put any extra into the joint account..he puts his share in and leaves me to figure how I'm going to pay everything which I can't. I've asked for him to sit and work it out with me but he won't, he just says I'm giving you my half that s it, not my problem..
I've keep moved bills around to accommodate this but obviously there building up and next month got to pay that bit extra etc etc which I can't cover..
I've spent a lot of tears over this as trying my best to get a full time job..it's stressful..I'm trying to get overtime at work too, literally trying my best. Or even a second job...
He is set in his ways, last month he went on spending spree for himself and then put £200 into his credit card, we didn't have alot of food in cupboards behind on bills and he did that..im.like wtf ...he earns a large amount a month so definitely can cover me to help out but he won't...he just says not my problem.
Don't know what to do !
Thanks daisy x

@Daisy107 The situation is this Daisy, what’s yours is his & what’s his is QUITE CLEARLY HIS!!!!!

This is not a partnership or relationship! I am still astounded by his reaction and walking off like a bratty child.

What do you see in him?

I have been married for over 25+ yrs & have not worked for the last 15 years due to a disability and never ever has money come up in a conversation. To the point when my husband sat the boys down and told them that I will no longer be working and why. Even to the point that nothing changes for Mum. In fact he has probably spoilt me more than before. I say it’s because he feels pity for me as I hardly go out & he says it’s not but we both know it’s his way of trying to do something nice for me. My guilty pleasure is designer shoes & handbags and I have a very impressive collection 😉

I am digressing sorry but my point is Daisy that it shouldn’t even be a conversation. It should be him saying Daisy don’t worry about finances you just focus on getting the right job for you.

That’s it in a nutshell, it’s all sorted Daisy!

Instead you are being gaslit like WTF?!

Pls don’t be cooking or cleaning or washing his dirty laundry he can do it himself.

Your expected to still pay 50% of the bills that worry & stress is coming screaming through in your posts and yet he can’t see how this is affecting you?! Or is it that he just chooses not to?

If it really is the latter Daisy then he really doesn’t care for you……could he be a gambler? I’m just wondering if there is a reason for not covering your share of the bills.

Even saying your share is wrong in a relationship as you are both meant to be one entity. There is no I or you it’s just ‘Us’.

Until you start sticking up for yourself & showing you won’t be taken for a fool he won’t care one iota.

If he does have the audacity to question why you have suddenly downed tools then point out to him his behaviour and remind the ungrateful prat how you supported him financially but yet now when you are in the same position he seems to have selectively forgotten that fact!

Pull up your big girl pants Daisy and don’t let him financially abuse you because that is what he is doing and you do not deserve that!

Well if you get divorced he will have much larger bills to pay all on his own.

If you moved back home would you be able to find a good job again?

When you’re married income should be shared. He’s being a prick. I would honestly consider divorce.

Let him deal with all the bills. Why are you dealing with it all?

He is behaving like he hates you—utter contempt.

It's fine for you to have helped him out in the past though - he took that assistance. Now the shoe is on the other foot, he's pretty much telling you to get fucked.

Make plans to leave OP. This won't get better.

What a hideous man. 💐

@sometimesmovingforwards that is nonsense. OP hs moved location and both of them took a risk - it worked out for him not her. When things were the other way around she paid for everything. OP is being financially abused by a man who lived off her earnings previously. It is hypocritical and disgusting financial abuse.

But ‘trying’ and ‘crying’ doesn’t pay the bills though, does it.

At least you’ve found out now that he’s financially abusive. Imagine if you had become unwell and unable to work and he was pulling this shit.

It's a very weird mindset that thinks a married couple must each contribute exactly 50% towards bills regardless of changing circumstances. Sometimes one half of the couple may fall short for whatever reason...when the ops DH did, she stepped up and helped him. Now he won't help her out despite having the means to. It's vile behaviour

You are in an abusive relationship with a very very nasty man who has used you for years.

Please wake up for goodness sake.

@sometimesmovingforwards nor does 'nearly dying' - would you expect her to be contributing half if she was in a coma?

This is so wrong. I couldnt live like this. I earn nothing at the moment, but we have a joint account and all bills come out of it. Whats left is free to spend by both of us, as we wish. Two debit cards, same account. The same is true when I'm working all money is OUR money. We are completely open with what we have and what we spend.

This is undoubtedly financial abuse. Is he abusive in other ways?

Not abusive in any other way..literally this money thing, after his walking out last night in a tantrum, once returned he decided to sleep on sofa , then put his stereo on high at 1am, then slamming about this morning then went a work and its all over that I asked him to put our money together to pay the important bills. We don't have sky etc etc. It's purely the household import bills. I've woken up this morning and I'm gob smacked really I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. Last night I asked him to explain why he won't support me and he just says it's not my problem.

what does he say when you remind him how you have supported him previously? Says you were a sucker to do that?

This is dreadful OP. My ex was like that, he earned far more than me but it all had to be split 50/50, and I ended up borrowing petrol money off my Dad.

Not abusive in any other way..literally this money thing, after his walking out last night in a tantrum, once returned he decided to sleep on sofa , then put his stereo on high at 1am, then slamming about this morning

this kind of behaviour is not very kind either.

Depriving your partner of sleep is a common abuse tactic. A tired person is easier to manipulate.

As it should be. Marriage is about looking after each other.

This is what I am wondering.

He sounds horrible, OP. You don't deserve this. Can you make plans to leave?

When I said last night that I supported you last year etc etc he just says I've got attitude and mood swings then walked out never actually acknowledged me

I don't think you're the one with the bad attitude op.

You know what you need to do.

His slamming around and playing loud music in the early hours is emotional abuse.
So there's emotional as well as financial abuse. Leave him. You're better off on your own than with someone who so clearly hates you.

You need to leave, this isn’t a partnership.

In your situation I would be terrified for what a future tied to him would look like.

He’s clearly not going to support you through any crisis like say unexpected redundancy or illness.

In that case I’d rather put everything into becoming self sufficient and getting rid of him. Because he sure as hell would expect your support in those situations, and that isn’t an equal or healthy partnership.

Can you move back to where you were living before? Move back in with family while you find your feet?

My god just leave/divorce!!! You supported him when he was out of work and when you ask for the same support, he says you have an attitude? WTAF, how can you be with him! You can’t stay with a person like that!

My ex said I was ruining the marriage with mood swings - but the only reason I was mad at him, was because he was having an affair. Don’t let him turn this on you, OP