Pregnant and zero empathy from angry partner

[EmmaRH]

Hi. Am AIBU or is my partner just being a HUGE jerk? I’m 15 weeks pregnant and work 4 days a week, 3 in the office, 1 from home. 1 day a week I’m with our toddler daughter who is 2. Today, I’ve played with her all day, baked with her, taken her to the park, painted with her etc etc. During her nap I also cleaned the kitchen, unloaded and reloaded dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, put away clean laundry, swept kitchen. Fed and bathed her. At 6:45pm I am absolutely shattered, partner has just finished work. I ask if he can read her stories and do bed time so I can finally rest. He rolls his eyes and moans about how tired he is from work (he WFH). I moan back about how I’m pregnant so really need to rest, and recite everything I’ve done today. Turns into a huge argument, he’s screaming and swearing at me (I’m arguing back but not swearing or shouting) telling me I haven’t done ‘fuck all’ in weeks and pregnancy is an excuse. Tells me our family think this baby is a bad idea because I offshore domestic duties to him. Generally really nasty. I’m absolutely fuming. As usual, I had to calmly walk away with our DD, take her upstairs and ignore him, or he doesn’t stop. We don’t fight that often but when we do he goes nuclear. Serious anger issues and respect. The baby obviously didn’t like it because I felt him/her jab me several times :(

how can I get him to value and respect me and what I do, and get him to understand how exhausting it is being pregnant whilst caring for a toddler, managing an almost full time job and largely being responsible for all household duties (except cooking, he largely does that.) It’s really hurt me and I’m raging tbh.

any advice appreciated…

how can I get him to value and respect me

You can't, and he won't.

You can't make someone value you. I'm sorry. You need to consider if you want to stay in this relationship and ask yourself seriously if this is fair on your DD.

Tine enough to escape before baby is on the scene and you're even more exhausted.

You have a daughter, you cannot stay with a man who shouts and swears at you. She'll grow up thinking it's ok for men to treat her that way too.

He's vile. Ltb. Do right by yourself and your kid.

Value and respect YOURSELF.

The question you need to ask is 'why don't I value and respect myself?'. Probably because this loser has worn you down. Time to escape him and find your self worth again.

Nasty man. Hard to know what to suggest but this behaviour is very destructive for the DC. You can't allow him to carry on like that. I'd leave and go back to my parents for a few days, weeks etc until he realises what a selfish, abusive bully he is and promises to change. One chance only, never again!

You can’t get someone to value and respect you if they just don’t.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s awful that he’s shouting in front of your small child. Have you got anywhere you can go to? Can you go and live with your parents at all?

I mean he's basically told you he thinks it's your job to do all the domestic stuff even though you also work and are pregnant. He's a mtsogibst and unless his family are just like him, I suspect they never actually said anything of the sort (about you offloading domestic tasks being a bad thing).

Abusers like to tell you that 'everyone else thinks xyz about you'. It's bullshit and it's a tactic to make you feel like you are wrong/bad and shut you up.

Get yourself away from this bully and make a safe home for your daughter and new child where they don't have to watch some loser mysoginyst treating their mum like shit.

You and they, deserve better. But you can't talk a cockroach into being a butterfly. All you can do is shoo it out of your house and hope no more get in.

So he was perfect to you before the first child? Then the next one and only changing now?

Why would he be any different?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!!

He doesn't respect you, what you do or your DD. You can't convince someone to respect you.

You have written:

'We don’t fight that often but when we do he goes nuclear. Serious anger issues and respect.'

What impact did you think growing up with a dad like this might have on your future kids while you were pregnant the first time? Did he calm down between pregnancies? I'm asking because a sign of violence is a man escalating behaviour during pregnancies.

Value yourself more because he will
never do so. Your children too don’t warrant an abuser in your lives. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Pregnancy and childbirth are also flashpoints for an abuser to show their true nature and further ramp up the power and control aka abuse .

This from him towards you, and in turn your daughter, is the real him behind the mask of respectability he shows the outside world.

This.

Sorry, OP.

He doesn't like you and he doesn't like his own little daughter.

He's also jealous of the attention you're getting from others (family) or giving to yourself (pregnancy is no excuse).

Suddenly he's not the centre of attention any more. Hence the rage.

You need to ask your family for support. This relationship shines doomed.

The baby obviously didn’t like it because I felt him/her jab me several times

I'm sorry but this is nonsense at 15 weeks.

@Daisyvodka - yep. He was awful during my first pregnancy too. We ended up having counselling and both going on anti depressants. He was up and down after birth, pretty angry when he was tired or again, asked to pick up some of the slack while I was breastfeeding or doing nights, but after the first 2 months got much better. Great since then. Then since this pregnancy (unexpected, unplanned, unwanted on his part sadly) he has got worse again. He’s always had major anger issues - shouting, swearing, slamming doors. But never laid a hand on me and never would. He’s not always bad. He can be quite caring and affectionate some times and if he’s in a good mood will help out more…

@Channellingsophistication sadly not. My parents live abroad. My sister lives 2.5 hours away but has a tiny house and I wouldn’t want to leave without my daughter, but she needs stability and routine ie nursery etc, so I can’t take her somewhere over two hours away… would also mean I couldn’t work.

He’s not always bad?
Help out more?
You and your children deserve so much better than this. And it’s not helping out. It’s being a partner and parent.
The whole dynamic sounds toxic.

In all fairness OP, why on Earth did you think another baby was a good idea?

But that ship has sailed. He is a vile individual and a shit example to your daughter. Please leave him, have your baby and raise your children in love and respect.
At least your employment is secure. Do you have good friends and family support?

@ThejoyofNC actually, it isn’t. I know what kicks feel like, this is my second pregnancy. And if you look online and do your research, in second pregnancy, movement can actually be felt any time from 14 weeks onwards in some cases. Why would I lie about that anyway?!

He was awful in your first pregnancy and this one is not only planned but he doesn't want it?

Run. This is only going to get worse.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand Sorry, for context, the pregnancy was an accident. Abortion isn’t for me, I couldn’t go through with it (while totally respecting those that choose to.) So here we are.

@EmmaRH "He's not always bad"

Bad in this case = abusive.

He should NEVER be abusive, you should NEVER be abused, and your children should NEVER grow up thinking this is normal.

Ughhh horrible. So sorry OP. And totally reasonable that that choice isn’t for you.

You will be fine, but please don’t suffer any more than you have to. He doesn’t deserve to be part of this pregnancy any longer.

@Bumblebeestiltskin sorry, this may be naive. But what about it makes it abusive? Genuine question. Just because all adults fight sometimes, shout etc. I guess the swearing at me / name calling isn’t great. Just wondered what part was abusive. I guess I need to understand better.

This popped up on my social media today and I knew it wouldn't be long before a MN post would come along where I could share it;
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DG83jyYvkSX/?igsh=dWFmbXJrOWYyYXdj
Do yourself and your children a favour and don't put up with living like this x

Shouting at you, swearing at you and slamming doors are all examples of abusive behaviour. Yes, adults argue, but those in healthy relationships are able to do so without resorting to those behaviours.