Pregnant and zero empathy from angry partner

[EmmaRH]

Hi. Am AIBU or is my partner just being a HUGE jerk? I’m 15 weeks pregnant and work 4 days a week, 3 in the office, 1 from home. 1 day a week I’m with our toddler daughter who is 2. Today, I’ve played with her all day, baked with her, taken her to the park, painted with her etc etc. During her nap I also cleaned the kitchen, unloaded and reloaded dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, put away clean laundry, swept kitchen. Fed and bathed her. At 6:45pm I am absolutely shattered, partner has just finished work. I ask if he can read her stories and do bed time so I can finally rest. He rolls his eyes and moans about how tired he is from work (he WFH). I moan back about how I’m pregnant so really need to rest, and recite everything I’ve done today. Turns into a huge argument, he’s screaming and swearing at me (I’m arguing back but not swearing or shouting) telling me I haven’t done ‘fuck all’ in weeks and pregnancy is an excuse. Tells me our family think this baby is a bad idea because I offshore domestic duties to him. Generally really nasty. I’m absolutely fuming. As usual, I had to calmly walk away with our DD, take her upstairs and ignore him, or he doesn’t stop. We don’t fight that often but when we do he goes nuclear. Serious anger issues and respect. The baby obviously didn’t like it because I felt him/her jab me several times :(

how can I get him to value and respect me and what I do, and get him to understand how exhausting it is being pregnant whilst caring for a toddler, managing an almost full time job and largely being responsible for all household duties (except cooking, he largely does that.) It’s really hurt me and I’m raging tbh.

any advice appreciated…

Difference is if you shout out of frustration it would be "why did you do that?" Sigh "FFS" it's an outburst, in context of feeling angry, irritable.
His shouting "All my parents say xyz" "you do nothing" it is not about him being angry, tierd and venting or arguing about a specific situation in the moment within context, it is a personal attack designed to humiliate you, shake your confidence and manipulate your actions and also probably gaslighting to make you question what you do (your reality) to make you believe he is right and your don't do enough and he is a victim doing so much.. It has ill intent.

That’s absolutely terrible he should be supporting you and literally putting his child to bed and reading a bedtime story what a low life. He won’t change and I would be seriously considering doing it alone than with someone they treats you and your kids that way

Turns into a huge argument, he’s screaming and swearing at me (I’m arguing back but not swearing or shouting) telling me I haven’t done ‘fuck all’ in weeks and pregnancy is an excuse. Tells me our family think this baby is a bad idea because I offshore domestic duties to him. Generally really nasty. I’m absolutely fuming. As usual, I had to calmly walk away with our DD, take her upstairs and ignore him, or he doesn’t stop.

So all this happened in front of your 2 year old child?
Any chance your neighbours may have heard and maybe contact the police out of concern for your child?

Yes. But it only lasted maybe 2 minutes because I shut it down by picking her up and taking her upstairs so the fight ended there. Doubt anyone would’ve heard anything.

2 minutes or 2 hours - doesn’t matter.
He is an abusive fucker and her childhood will be wrecked if you stay with him.

Your daughter heard it.

Turning you asking for help into a screaming and swearing match: abusive. Using it to make you seem unreasonable to expect him to step up and do HIS SHARE: abusive. Telling you other people think you are being unreasonable (to expect him to do HIS SHARE of housework) to undermine your needs: abusive. Name calling is exceedingly abusive.

The whole thing is a toxic abusive mess and I hope you see this for what it is and get out.

I've never had an argument where there's been screaming or name calling in a healthy partnership. Those things are just not part of a healthy relationship. Normal people don't call their pregnant partners horrible names no matter how angry they are. It's not ok. Let stone woth a child present to witness it.

Your partner doesn't have anger issues. He has abuse issues.

I agree with all the other things people have said.

im also pregnant and only thing to add is pls for your sanity nap when toddler naps and don’t do house stuff. You need to rest. Fuck the house stuff for an hour.

Question you are asking yourself and us is how much abuse are you prepared to tolerate?

The answer should always be none.

His shouting and swearing got you to do the exact thing he didn’t want to do- leave him alone and put your child to bed.

You are failing your daughter if you stay, OP. I grew up with parents who rowed in front of us and a dad who swore and got angry. It's left a huge imprint on my life. It's affected my relationships hugely. I was married at 24 and divorced by 32. My current relationship is a huge learning curve and I really struggle with conflict. This is because my mum didn't leave.

@AltitudeCheck that is a very powerful poem

OP you are minimising. I've been married more than 25 years and DH has never ever spoken to me as you describe your partner doing. He does not like you, he does not respect you or your role as the mother of his children.
You deserve much better, you deserve love and respect. Your children deserve better - parents that model good behaviour and support for each other.

Dig deep, find your self respect and get out of that relationship

I felt both my babies kicking from 13 weeks, even my first that had an anterior placenta.

My midwife told me it was "nonsense" and there was no way I could feel my first kick that early. Then I went in for a scan at 13 weeks, felt a flutter of kicks, and sure enough looked up to see my baby kicking hard on the screen.

Some people feel baby kicks very early. I'm one of them!

It's really sad you're not even sure if this is abuse and think it's normal arguing. It's not. Loving partners don't swear at each other, scream or belittle each other. They work as teams. They value and respect and care for one another.

ifs your choice to stay with an arsehole but not fair that you're putting young children through that. Honestly this is the kind of thing that will fuck them up for life. Start making an escape plan.

The counselling failed, it was never going to succeed. Your relationship with him is or should be well and truly finished.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you call him out on his abusive behaviour. He does not have an anger management problem because he can and likely does control himself around people in the outside world, It is for you and in turn your children his abuse is aimed at and sadly your eldest child has already been subjected to this . You cannot protect your kids from his abuse if you are all under the same roof.

What is your definition of abuse?. Did your parents behave similarly at home?. What sort of relationship example did they show you?.

That last line. Never heard it before. So good

Tells me our family think this baby is a bad idea because I offshore domestic duties to him.
how can I get him to value and respect me

How can he possibly respect or value you when he thinks it’s your job to work, look after your child and do all the domestic duties?

This isn’t normal. Even in anger I’ve never spoken to my DH like this. This is abuse. He doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t value you. The man is abusive and appalling. Imagine if your family or friends witnesses this? What would they say?
A pregnant woman says she’s exhausted and asks for help and gets a tirade of abuse. I have had three children and my DH also worked. At no point did we ever not share the care of the children. During pregnancy if ever I was tired he took over - no question or hesitation. This is why I have three children because he always supported me.
When I reread your original post it doubly appalled me that this was all happening in front of your child.

You need to sort this out. I would go for a while until he agrees to some sort of therapy.
I work in child protection and your child is at risk of trauma. Get some help.

The nice periods are just part of the cycle of abuse.

If it wasn't, it'd be easier for people to leave.

He was screaming and swearing at you in front of your little daughter? That's absolutely awful and should NOT be happening. It is abusive.

Your partner should actively want to look after you when you are carrying his child. He should want to spend time reading stories and putting his little girl to bed. The fact that he doesn't and gets angry when asked to speaks volumes about his selfishness and lack of care for you and his children.

My DH worked full time and even when I was a SAHM he would do bath and bedtime with our young children - not because I asked him to but because he WANTED to spend time with them as he hadn't seen them all day! That is a loving parent.

You're having another baby with this man?! If you won't terminate then leave now.

I just wanted to say I sympathise with you, I’m pregnant and due in 2 weeks, with a toddler. Our second was unexpected and he wasn’t happy about it. I ended up splitting up with my husband after about 5 months of pregnancy. Just his attitude and expecting me to do everything, no acknowledging I’m pregnant and need a rest too just because he works too. I just thought fuck this and got him to move out. Might as well do it on my own anyway. His attitude was affecting my mental health. He regularly visits to see us now and safe to say he’s had time to realize how bad he was. He’s apologised but I’m still keeping him at arms length for now. He hopes that when baby comes, we’ll be all fine and happy but I don’t know if I can forgive his awful attitude while I was pregnant. He helps out with our toddler when he visits, one evening. Week and all weekend and only now, 2 weeks away from giving birth is he acting all concerned about my well being and taking this seriously. I would suggest taking some space from each other is possible and co strictly co parenting, for your sanity. If you’re doing it on your own anyway, it might him time to actually miss the family unit. I can’t see him getting any better while he’s there with you, I’d give him an ultimatum that you won’t stand for this attitude anymore.

Abuse isn’t just about physical harm—it’s about control, disrespect, and emotional damage. The fact that you’re minimising being sworn at and called names shows how much you’ve normalised mistreatment. Love isn’t supposed to make you question whether being degraded is “normal.”

Yes, couples argue, but healthy disagreements don’t involve insults or verbal attacks. If someone who claims to love you resorts to name-calling and shouting, that’s not just “fighting”—that’s emotional abuse. It chips away at your self-worth, makes you doubt your own feelings, and keeps you trapped in a cycle where you’re always trying to justify their behaviour.

Why would you want to be with him? He's aggressive, unsupportive, unhelpful, screams and shouts at you in front of a two year old who must be terrified, and openly tells you he doesn't want his child.

He's vile. Are you so scared of being alone that you accept all this?

It is not normal. Yes people fight, but they have a few sharp words and retreat to cool off. They act like grown ups.

Your poor children !

Listen to the podcast femicide
I'm sorry, it sounds hard
That poem is very powerful