How do I co parent with a narcissist?

[athenaswrath]

Just that really.

Went to court yesterday and an undertaking was issued. He's not to message me or call me direct and we are to use the parenting app only for child arrangements only.

He has our daughter who is nearly 2 on a Thursday and every other Saturday. I have told him the Thursdays are going to be hard because I will be starting work and she will go to either nursery or to a child minders. He has already decided to have her the opposite weekends to my other children as they go to their dads a certain weekend and he chose to have her the other so I couldn't go out or socialise etc (ways of controlling me) but this also means I can only work weekdays too. I have other school runs and I will have appointments etc I have said to him about keeping his weekend but to have her the Friday to Sunday instead of the Thursdays as it's a lot of running around for me as I have to do the school runs and I have to then get our daughter to him then get her the Friday then meet him again the Saturday and then again the Sunday on the every other week he has her the Saturday. He won't budge he's telling me no, he has to work, he can't change it he can't do this he can't do that before he said he will sort it and change it and have a word with his manager but still hasn't this has been going on for a year. He knows I want to go back to work. The undertakings also means he not allowed near my other children so I'll have to go get my son from school drop him home to then go back out to take our daughter him to then come back and then the next day get my daughter from him etc etc it's just a lot of running around and when I start work this won't be able to happen. He's saying he will take me to court because he wants to see his daughter and I'm being awkward when I'm not. I have never stopped him seeing his child and I have made every arrangement for him to continue access to her even through court I've been the one arranging middle people that he ended up ruining. I just don't know what to do here, if it goes to court how will it stand for me? I can't even plan holidays with all my kids because of the Thursdays and because of the opposite weekends as I won't always have all my children for example haven holidays I can't do a weekend away with them just me and then because I will end up having the others or not my daughter. He won't compromise and it's just so hard. What do I do?

No I haven't got anyone else who can take her to him because he has burned those bridges when I had already sorted two middle people so I didn't have to have any contact with this abusive man. I have no one and nor does he. It's ok for him to cancel the Thursdays when he is unwell or he has appointments or something is going on in his life but as soon as I am busy he kicks off. As he always says to me it's not court ordered so he doesn't have to agree to anything and vice versa if honest especially as I have taken him to court to get a non mole. Things change unfortunately like she will go nursery, school runs, work, if Thursdays don't work for me anymore than that is that. With the abusive and continues abusive behaviour I am not subjecting myself to this every week anymore it's not doing myself or my mental health any good, I'm looking out for my own mental health here because I'm not just our daughters mum I am 3 other children's mum too.

Hope you're ok.

This sounds horrible for you. I’m not sure I’m getting this right but are you doing all the drop offs and pick ups. Is there something you can do about that. I’m so sorry you going through this.

@Devianinc yes I am. It's me having to do all the running around so he can see his daughter. I'm extremely drained and exhausted mentally and emotionally and I can't keep doing this every week sometimes twice a week there and back there and back. No unfortunately there is no one else who can do this for me he burnt bridges with my two middle people I sorted.

Then I think you tell him this week isn't possible and ask him to let you know if from next week the Thursday-Sunday thing works, every second week. Then ignore all the other stuff. You feel, understandably, that you have the right to say no in this instance and that he has regularly inconvenienced you, So now the trick is to OWN that knowledge. He won't agree. But thats not your problem, that's his.

@GingerIsBest no he won't agree but then he can take me to court because I'm not dealing with this anymore. He can't threaten me every time it doesn't go his way. Things happen I can't keep running back and forth for him because he wants her this day and that time I have another 3 children that are in routines and need me. I've said the every other Thursday to Sunday is fine but he now needs to sort this is the meantime I don't want to hear about anything else because he's the one who mentioned this and I have agreed. 2 years I've put up with this nonsense from him. I'm not doing it anymore he doesn't pay my fuel to constantly have me run about after him and he doesn't ever want to compromise so I'm now stopping this because why should it be down to me to keep going back and forth for a man who is abusive nasty and controlling just to suit his life and his works, I'm the one with three other children and a busy schedule yet muggings here has been allowing this to happen. No more.

im feel so bad. I don’t get how these men get away with making the rules on these things. Is there any way you can make him responsible for the drop off and pickups up. How’s does he get to force this on you.

You have to get some kind of judgment where he has to pick up and drop off the child. You’ve very abiding by his rules and he needs to bend them for you. It just seems so totally unfair that you have to do all the work for him. It shouldn’t be that. I really hope you can work things for what’s best for you and your family. You’ve been more than accommodating.

I have been extremely fair and I'm not doing it anymore. It's now not fair on me and I've had enough of being walked over. Im the one whose bent over backwards for him to still see his daughter by arranging two different middle people because of the constant abuse and threats he give me on a daily basis he's ruined that himself so now he has to change the days and give something back or he can take me to court and he won't be seeing her until something is in place.