How do I co parent with a narcissist?

[athenaswrath]

Just that really.

Went to court yesterday and an undertaking was issued. He's not to message me or call me direct and we are to use the parenting app only for child arrangements only.

He has our daughter who is nearly 2 on a Thursday and every other Saturday. I have told him the Thursdays are going to be hard because I will be starting work and she will go to either nursery or to a child minders. He has already decided to have her the opposite weekends to my other children as they go to their dads a certain weekend and he chose to have her the other so I couldn't go out or socialise etc (ways of controlling me) but this also means I can only work weekdays too. I have other school runs and I will have appointments etc I have said to him about keeping his weekend but to have her the Friday to Sunday instead of the Thursdays as it's a lot of running around for me as I have to do the school runs and I have to then get our daughter to him then get her the Friday then meet him again the Saturday and then again the Sunday on the every other week he has her the Saturday. He won't budge he's telling me no, he has to work, he can't change it he can't do this he can't do that before he said he will sort it and change it and have a word with his manager but still hasn't this has been going on for a year. He knows I want to go back to work. The undertakings also means he not allowed near my other children so I'll have to go get my son from school drop him home to then go back out to take our daughter him to then come back and then the next day get my daughter from him etc etc it's just a lot of running around and when I start work this won't be able to happen. He's saying he will take me to court because he wants to see his daughter and I'm being awkward when I'm not. I have never stopped him seeing his child and I have made every arrangement for him to continue access to her even through court I've been the one arranging middle people that he ended up ruining. I just don't know what to do here, if it goes to court how will it stand for me? I can't even plan holidays with all my kids because of the Thursdays and because of the opposite weekends as I won't always have all my children for example haven holidays I can't do a weekend away with them just me and then because I will end up having the others or not my daughter. He won't compromise and it's just so hard. What do I do?

Honestly he doesn't stop it's constant I'm trying to sort it so I don't have to see him as much because it's constant digs comments and shitty remarks. If he does this Friday to Sunday then I'll be fine with having to see him every other weekend twice but I'm not doing every Thursday and then every Thursday and every other Saturday it's pick up drop off constant and it's me running around it's not fair on me or my other children. He needs to see her set days and times it's not all about him and his life and work.

OP, stop and take a deep breath. Your posts on here are becoming incoherent - I'm sorry but I don't even know what this means or why it's in response to me. Which is fine because you owe me and other posters nothing, but I think this man has done a right number on you and you are, understandably, overwrought as a result.

So, take a deep breath.

Then, if you still feel like you need advice, tell us exactly what the NEW arrangement he has suggested is and if you are okay with that.

Meanwhile, try to imagine each of his threats as a block that could be part of a tower of bricks. Take each one out, examine it, and work out if it really is a big deal or just one of many many bricks in the patchwork of his shittiness.

.... he threatens to take you to court to get custody. Well, we've talked on here about how unlikel that is. Because a) he's probably not going to put the effort in b) he'd probably have to go to mediation first and he's unlikely to do that either and c) no one is giving a part time dad who has a history of threats and abuse full time custody.

So... you worry he might keep her. Look at the block by itself. Has he actually threatened this or is this something you've made up becuase of all the other blocks and threats and the large overwhelming tower of blocks you're trying to navigate? If he has, is the risk real or is he more likely to threaten you to scare you while happily handing her over so that he can go to work/carry on with his life? What court orders are in place to help you if this DID happen?

... the constant digs and shtty remarks. they're their own block. How do you deal with those/ Grey rock. Ignore them as much as possible. Engage only on the relevant bits. You ask abotu contact, he sends a bunmch of shit. You ignore it all and respond with, "Please confirm you will collect on Thursday-Sunday otherwise I'll make other plans" and do it via the app. Handover in public, have as much ready as possible and literally just hand over and leave. It's hard, I know. But it's just another block and one little block can be managed.

OP please read the responses you’ve received on here and take note….you seem to be ignoring the advice

So this morning he threatened court and to go for full custody because I said about Thursdays not happening anymore due to it being a pain on my behalf having to constantly run about every week after him. Then because I ignored him and said after his threat you won't be seeing her until court it sorted then he then said what about it I try and have her the Thursdays to Sundays every other week I said that's fine I can make her available every other Thursday I just can't every Thursdays anymore. Now he's turned it and said he will ask and it's not guaranteed and brought up tomorrow again but I have said I am busy tomorrow I cannot drop her because I have a meeting. He's spun it all around again bringing up CSA and loads of other things. I have ignored lots of the remarks and the digs but the court one I just said then you won't see her anymore until we get a court agreement because I don't know if he can be trusted too. My head is all over the place the last 5 months have been stressful with the original court situation that was sorted yesterday by an undertakings and then he started again this morning. Sorry if I'm all over the place my brain is like mash at the moment because he wants to cause issues then wants to sort it then twists it then yeah I just don't even know what to do. I've said sort the Thursdays to Sundays with your manager then we can start the access again he has just said I can ask. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I am trying too. The original arrangement isn't working for me and with his constant abuse and comments I don't want to have to see him twice a week one week then 4 times the other. It's not healthy for me to keep enduring his constant shit.

I am reading it all and taking it in. Just slow because my concentration lately is bad. My apologies.

I will read up about grey rock as I've heard this expression before. Thank you. It is very difficult. He's really done a number on me in the last two years.

Sorry why are you doing all the running around? Can't he pick her up?

There's now an under takings he's not allowed round my other children or near my address.

My eldest is nearly 15 and he is yeah.

@Waitingbydoor no the court case just settled was for a non mole but it was closed on a under takings it was agreed by court that me and him only contact each other by the app close app and about child arrangements only.

No they didn't.

No it's not. He won't compromise with me it's all his terms and when he wants her and stuff. I am not doing this anymore it's not fair on me when I have other children and can't keep running about after him.

He never lived with me thank god!

OP, you need to get this contact sorted and doing it privately is not working. So, don't wait for him to take you to court, you need to start the proceedings to agree a formal process for contact.

becuase, while I completely understand that you are finding all this to-and froing very inconvenient, if that has been the pattern for a while, it's not weird that he doesn't want to change it. The point is that it wasn't a sensible pattern in the first place and if he won't change it willingly, you're going to have to bring in legal processes to change it.

As for tomorrow, if that is his usual pattern I think you should try to honour it. Do you have someone else who can take her to him?

Yes I do need to go back to court again. I have three.