Need advice on how to broach a sensitive topic with my girlfriend

[ByBrickKoala]

I have some sexual stuff on my mind regarding my girlfriend, and I don't know how to bring this up with her in a way where she doesn't feel slighted and her feelings are taken care for, so I will list it all down and I would like advice on if I am thinking incorrectly somehow & what I should do.

My girlfriend told me that after the first time she had sex with her ex-bf, she promised herself that she would commit suicide if he left her. He left her and she didn't even attempt suicide. Now, after she told me this I am quite scared to have sex with her because I do not think about sexual intimacy like this.

She also has past sexual trauma with her ex-bf that has now resurfaced in our relationship a bunch of times. One of the major ones that hasn't come up, because we haven't had sex yet, is her dissociation during sex. Something she said might happen the first time we have sex.

She is also scared to have sex again. With her ex, she thought to herself she would have to give him sex and sexual stuff so he wouldn't leave her, but she has told me that with me it is because she wants to do these things with me.

She also told me she decided that the next time she has sex would be with the love of her life, someone she believes will be with her forever. That is too much pressure for me to handle just to have sex. I just want to have sex with my girlfriend just because I want to have sex with my girlfriend, that's it. I don't have any of these stipulations in my head.

I have no idea what to do. During everything we have done so far, I've been constantly asking her if she's okay and if she's dissociating. I am in love with her and I need to figure out a way on how to address this. Any advice on how to bring this up with her would be appreciated.

I think she sounds unstable and manipulative. If you continue in the relationship, I think you will have a lot of drama and upset to deal with. I would walk away now before you're in too deep.

This has accident waiting to happen all over it.
The complex issues which are focused around sex involving dissociation, manipulation, threatening suicide, mental health issues, and her saying yes with words but also not yes with her detailing her issues around it puts you in a dangerous and vulnerable position as a man.
With all these this going on can she really give enthusiastic consent?
Wake up, getting mixed up in this could seriously affect your future.
Honestly run, and run fast.

Do you think that you can keep it up? It also sounds very wearing....

I’m going to be blunt, I think you are putting yourself at risk of false allegations by being sexual with someone who is so unstable and manipulative.

Walk away OP. She sounds like someone who has an awful lot of issues to work through and is not in a stable place to have a loving sexual relationship.

She also sounds like she does an awful lot of navel gazing if I'm honest and the likelihood is you'll get sucked into these big dramatic emotional issues too.

So don’t have sex. Don’t continue the relationship. Find someone who thinks of sex as no big deal. Or at least as not some life or death situation involving suicide threats and declarations of lifelong commitment.

5 months is nothing. She is not in a suitable place for a relationship. You cannot make her get help. If you stay with her you are likely to be drawn in to a very toxic relationship. It's not supposed to be like this. You have a chance to break away.

Also coming from a conservative religious background I can understand some elements of this, but op ultimately your gf has some serious unresolved sexual trauma that she and only she can deal with. You can point her in the direction of therapy etc but ultimately she has to be the one to decide she's ready to do that work on herself. Also because it's emotionally demanding and can make you feel worse before you feel better - she needs to be ready to commit to that process.

If she's refusing to do the work on herself and instead is allowing her trauma to cause issues between you and her then the only other thing you can really do is to walk away. Everyone has to be responsible for themselves in a relationship, you can't do the work for another person and you can't carry a relationship on your own. So if she's not willing then all you realistically can do is react to that and end things until such times as she's ready to step up. That sounds really harsh but this really applies to any aspect of a healthy relationship.

In terms of her wanting to next be intimate with someone who is going to be with her forever, that's her choice and most likely the outworkings of prior religious views. That's understandable given how deep rooted belief systems are but if that feels like pressure to you, then to me it sounds like you are both wanting different things from the relationship. You both have to be on the same page otherwise its not going to work. I personally would be walking away here and encouraging her to get the right support to deal with her previous trauma.