Need advice on how to broach a sensitive topic with my girlfriend

[ByBrickKoala]

I have some sexual stuff on my mind regarding my girlfriend, and I don't know how to bring this up with her in a way where she doesn't feel slighted and her feelings are taken care for, so I will list it all down and I would like advice on if I am thinking incorrectly somehow & what I should do.

My girlfriend told me that after the first time she had sex with her ex-bf, she promised herself that she would commit suicide if he left her. He left her and she didn't even attempt suicide. Now, after she told me this I am quite scared to have sex with her because I do not think about sexual intimacy like this.

She also has past sexual trauma with her ex-bf that has now resurfaced in our relationship a bunch of times. One of the major ones that hasn't come up, because we haven't had sex yet, is her dissociation during sex. Something she said might happen the first time we have sex.

She is also scared to have sex again. With her ex, she thought to herself she would have to give him sex and sexual stuff so he wouldn't leave her, but she has told me that with me it is because she wants to do these things with me.

She also told me she decided that the next time she has sex would be with the love of her life, someone she believes will be with her forever. That is too much pressure for me to handle just to have sex. I just want to have sex with my girlfriend just because I want to have sex with my girlfriend, that's it. I don't have any of these stipulations in my head.

I have no idea what to do. During everything we have done so far, I've been constantly asking her if she's okay and if she's dissociating. I am in love with her and I need to figure out a way on how to address this. Any advice on how to bring this up with her would be appreciated.

Woah, mate unless youre an experience psychotherapist I don’t think you’re compatible.

She needs to work on herself away from a relationship. Threatening suicide is very manipulative, she didn’t try because she was potentially never going to, it was a line to make him stay.

No, she never told him this. She told it to me.

And you don’t think that’s manipulative towards you? She’s essentially telling you that if you have sex with her and don’t want her to kill herself, you need to stay with her forever. Because she didn’t do it last time, but this time the stakes are way higher… It’s a threat couched as love/need.

I will give exactly the same advice as I would to a woman in the same situation. And I’m going to be blunt.

Run. As far away from her as possible, and as fast as possible. As a man, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position by being in a relationship with an unstable partner.

She has serious, long standing problems which are nothing to do with you, which you did nothing to create, which you are in no way to blame for and which you cannot fix. She will need professional help before she is in any position to enter a new relationship. With anyone. You cannot give her what she needs, so give her the space she needs to deal with her issues.

It is manipulative towards me, I agree but I don't think she's did it deliberately. Even after the past trauma that resurfaced when we were getting intimate she kept on asking if I'll leave her because of this or if it's a dealbreaker or if I'm mad at her. I reassured her every time it wasn't the case. She's just very scared, especially as she has told me.

You're in love with a mental health mess. I get it, you're a 'fixer' and you want to help this poor woman. You think that if you can help her through her issues she'll blossom into the woman of your dreams. I've been there myself, and it doesn't work that way unfortunately.

There is something wrong with her, no two ways about it. And while that's a difficult subject to broach, brutal honesty is probably the best way. If she loves you, she'll listen. If you really want to stick by her, go on a relationship break - give her a year to get therapy and sort herself out. Then get back together if she has. Likelihood is that you'll just waste a year of your life waiting for something that'll never happen, or she'll latch on to someone else in about 3 weeks.

OP, l agree with @cheshirebloke You cannot fix her, she needs professional help. You've offered to take her and pay for this but she's not followed up on it. For now walk away and don't consider going back until she has had therapy. Even then she may need to continue with therapy and couples counselling for both of you. It will be a hard journey, but please accept you cannot solve her problems yourself, she needs expert help and guidance.

Your job in this scenario is to be the mature partner with a responsible perspective. You love her and you want only the best for her, don't you?

At present you cannot be sure that she is consenting to sex coming from a healthy place, mentally. Her current consent is verbal but you obviously have doubts about if she is mentally in a good enough place to be able to recognise and honour her needs first and foremost. Therefore the responsible thing for you to do is to take sex with you off the menu for now, until she's had some therapy (I would suggest both individual and couples) and you're both sure that she knows her own motivations in full, and would be consistently able to say not just an authentic and truthful yes but also to recognise a no within herself, and be able to say no to you at any point if she needs to.

If you continue having sex with her without this in place, the consent is sketchy as hell. And I don't think you're the type of guy who is okay with that.

Hi OP,

I'm a psychotherapist and this girl clearly needs therapy. Probably trauma based therapy. She has some very unhelpful and dysfunctional beliefs around sex and relationships that she needs to work on to be able to have a healthy and functional relationship.

I would softy exit the relationship.

Love will come again OP, you are so so young. Find a healthy relationship to thrive in.

She sounds unwell and you can’t fix her

at your ages you should be having great sex, lots of fun and travelling.

This has trouble written all over it. You can’t win, end the relationship

She sounds like a walking red flag. I'd end the relationship

Well you can't force her into sex. But it's perfectly reasonable to expect it to be part of a loving, normal adult relationship. Assuming both people are attracted and comfortable.

You should say you feel you are ready to move onto the sexual side, at a pace that's comfortable to her, with consent sought at each stage by both of you.

If she doesn't feel ready for this then it's best you separate and find someone more compatible sexually. You don't want to press her and maybe it's just never going to happen.

They've probably not been together that long given that the whole thing seems incredibly intense. It all sounds quite unsustainable.

I know people that have ended relationships for far lesser reasons. I’m sorry she has such trauma to deal with and I’m sorry that it’s been difficult. But if you know there are going to be issues get out now. You get one life mate and then swish decades have passed quickly. I had a lovely BF, I did love him but we were different religions and you know I just didn’t love him enough to put up with the almighty load of shite that his parents were putting on us, mine were not exactly great either.

All you are doing wrong is allowing your boundaries, needs and voice to be subsumed by her and the drama. It's all clearly coming from a good place, you are being nice and kind but it sounds like it'll drain the life and joy out of you, whilst enabling her to stay a hot mess.

Forget about sex, do you feel loved, do you feel seen by her? Does she really know you?

You don't have to drop her and run, you can be a friend and put any relationship on hold until she gets some help.

I do feel loved and seen by her, yeah. She does know me in a manner I haven't let anyone know me either. It is the same for her with me. She loves me a lot and has called me the love of her life, but she has trouble being affectionate and being expressive with me which I understand but it does bother me sometimes because I am very expressive and affectionate. We are also diametrically opposite in a way because she keeps things bottled up and I always have to ask her to tell me stuff.

Why don't you know how to bring it up with her? She brings it up herself. It's a current issue in your relationship. Unfortunately you've offered to facilitate therapy and she refuses. So the only thing is hope she will wake up one day and be magically cured of all these toxic issues. But that won't happen, obviously.
So that leaves you with a choice: stay in this flawed relationship as it is and accept being manipulated (whether she means to or not- same result either way) and also accept it will leave you deeply unhappy as it progresses, or end it. It's on you to do the right thing, since your girlfriend isn't in a healthy place for serious decision making.

almost 5 months, yeah.

Weird shit. Run away.

If I was your mother I'd tell you to walk away as she's clearly very unwell mentally.This will end up hurting you as you don't know what she's capable of doing or saying once things actually turn sexual
Save yourself heartache now

Your girlfriend is struggling with the religious element of her upbringing, where sex is supposed to be between two people who love each other and are in a committed relationship. In her mind the committed relationship, is long-term leading to an engagement and marriage. She had sex with her ex boyfriend believing he was 'the one', and the relationship was long-term and committed. You are happy to have a girlfriend, and want to see where the relationship goes, without the pressure of engagements/marriage - which given your age is understandable. It is not normal on any level to think about committing suicide if a man were to end the relationship. She has told you this, to frighten and manipulate you into never ending the relationship. Of course she never tried, it was nothing more than a statement to keep you in line! Honestly, 5 months into a relationship, and you should be having fun, and enjoying the delights of a new relationship. Instead your relationship is emotionally draining, confusing and hard work. Your girlfriend needs professional therapy, this isn't something you can fix. You would be far better to end the relationship now, before you are dragged further into her drama.

At five months it should still feel fun and exciting. Your girlfriend sounds like she's not ready for this relationship. She's manipulating you and creating a high stakes drama instead of enjoying the romance and excitement of a new relationship.

I understand you have strong feelings for her but my advice would be to step away now before it gets any deeper. I think you can be honest and explain that you do care for her but it's just not working. You're not compatible.

This is red flag city.

I’ve not read the comments but it seems like your girlfriend has serious mental health issues that she needs help for especially with the suicidal comments.

In regard to having sex with the ‘love of her life’ - has she said this to you? If she hasn’t maybe she is lonely and wants a ‘companion’ until the ‘LOHL’ comes along.

You need to have a serious conversation what your future looks like and if you see no way forward then it’s time to end the relationship and move on.

Yeah, she has said to me I'm the love of her life because she thinks this is a love that will last. That was an intense declaration to make 3 months into the relationship but I did discuss our future together because of the inevitability of long distance between us, assuming we would make it that far, so I understand why she said that. It's just all the other stuff about how she thinks are just not how I think and it is way too much pressure on my head just to have sex.