Need advice on how to broach a sensitive topic with my girlfriend

[ByBrickKoala]

I have some sexual stuff on my mind regarding my girlfriend, and I don't know how to bring this up with her in a way where she doesn't feel slighted and her feelings are taken care for, so I will list it all down and I would like advice on if I am thinking incorrectly somehow & what I should do.

My girlfriend told me that after the first time she had sex with her ex-bf, she promised herself that she would commit suicide if he left her. He left her and she didn't even attempt suicide. Now, after she told me this I am quite scared to have sex with her because I do not think about sexual intimacy like this.

She also has past sexual trauma with her ex-bf that has now resurfaced in our relationship a bunch of times. One of the major ones that hasn't come up, because we haven't had sex yet, is her dissociation during sex. Something she said might happen the first time we have sex.

She is also scared to have sex again. With her ex, she thought to herself she would have to give him sex and sexual stuff so he wouldn't leave her, but she has told me that with me it is because she wants to do these things with me.

She also told me she decided that the next time she has sex would be with the love of her life, someone she believes will be with her forever. That is too much pressure for me to handle just to have sex. I just want to have sex with my girlfriend just because I want to have sex with my girlfriend, that's it. I don't have any of these stipulations in my head.

I have no idea what to do. During everything we have done so far, I've been constantly asking her if she's okay and if she's dissociating. I am in love with her and I need to figure out a way on how to address this. Any advice on how to bring this up with her would be appreciated.

I think you both have a lot of growing up to do before you consider a serious relationship.

No, it's not a good sign.

One of two things is the case. Either: -

a.) She really did contemplate killing herself. In which case she's not mentally healthy, and not a good person to be starting a relationship with.

b. ) She didn't really contemplate killing herself so has said this in order to manipulate you into being scared to ever leave her. In which case she's abusive and not a good person to be starting a relationship with.

New relationships are meant to be fun, they're meant to be exciting. They're not meant to be stressful or anxiety inducing. The fact that this one is means that at the very least, the pair of you are not remotely compatible.

One final point. While you've not said so explicitly, I'm presuming you're male. Men on Mumsnet generally get a bit of a kicking. The fact that the site is built around the support of women means that users of the site are more predisposed to take the womans side of any situation. In contrast, you've had 20 odd women all telling you that you are safer out of this relationship. That is not something to take lightly.

OP there are deep rooted issues going on here, your girlfriend is no doubt still influenced by her deeply religious background and she needs therapy to help her overcome her past trauma. If you want to support her take sex off the table for now and ensure she gets the professional help she needs.

Gosh, I’d say you are too young and life is too short to be dealing with this so early in the relationship. I would end it.

It's not worth the bother, she's already messing with your mind and emotions and is incapable of having a normal relationship.

Move on and find someone who isn't carrying around all this baggage.

Walk Away OP

This sounds sensible to me.

I don't think she sounds in the right place mentally or emotionally for a sexual relationship. If I were a man, I'd worry about the potential repercussions for both of us of entering into a sexual relationship with her.

Dating in your mid twenties should be fun and drama free.

She is already emotionally manipulating you and all this talk of suicide and saving herself for 'the one' is quite simply - mental!

You don't need someone so controlling in your life, you really don't.

She shouldn't be having sex with anyone until she has had therapy to help her deal with her trauma. If you love her, you can take sex off the table and support her to get help. However, it would probably be better for you to end the relationship as the current situation is not healthy for either of you.

I would walk away. Let someone else deal with her issues!

5 months...

What am I doing wrong in this situation? I would like genuine advice.

I asked her if she would like to stop doing sexual things completely until she's dealt with her past & current issues but she told me she doesn't want to stop being sexual with me, so what do I do now?

🤔

honestly, my advice is to post this somewhere else on the internet, like reddit. all you're going to get on mumsnet is people telling you to break up with her because that's all they ever say.

I have talked to her about going to therapy & she's said she does want to go but that's it. I told her I could take her to it and even pay for it but she refused that. I even asked her if she wants to stop being sexual or take sex stuff off the table until she's made peace with her past and she said no, she doesn't want to stop being sexual. Maybe she needs more positive reinforcement?

If my daughter told me her boyfriend had threatened to commit suicide if his ex girlfriend left him I'd be telling her to run like hell. OPs girlfriend is clearly very immature and unstable.

Highly suggest you go through couples councelling before any sex takes place, if she won’t entertain therapy for herself. She has some very messed up views on sex and even very fair consensual sex could do more damage if she doesn’t take time to heal from and work on her trauma first.

What you do now is your choice isnt it. You can have sex with her and then deal with the issues that sound like they will probably arise. Or back off and explain to her why.

You've already identified that she needs professional help and have offered to pay for it and drive her there.

This is because you know that's what she needs, and you will very quickly find yourself out of your depth if you're not there already. She needs help, you're not going to be able to fix this, whether you have sex with her or not. This is not about sex, and it's bigger than the pair of you.

Set yourself free, honestly, head towards peace and freedom. She's not it.

She's either highly manipulative or totally messed up. At best she needs a lot of therapy. Sorry, but she isn't relationship material until she gets her head sorted out.

You claim to be deeply in love with someone who is a seething mass of MH issues after five months.

If, as you say, you love her, the best thing you can do for her is to end things gently, and encourage her to get help. Do you really want to risk having sex with someone with such deep-seated issues she threatened suicide after her first sexual experience? You can’t, and shouldn’t, commit to her forever. Do you really want the threat of suicide hanging over you should you have sex with her? Which it sounds as if she’s in no fit state for, anyway.

End the relationship, with love. It would be a kindness.

Are there any other online forums other than reddit? I made an account on Reddit and posted this over there but nobody has replied to me yet.

Why are the replies here not satisfactory? You either want to make the relationship work, in which case you need to get her professional help. Or you accept that until she gets that help (and she isn’t willing to) you have to protect yourself and her and back away. She clearly isn’t okay.

The replies here are, especially since it's mostly women and I needed a woman's perspective on this, it's just that I feel helpless because I love her and don't want to leave her but at the same time I don't know how to bring this up with her in a way that doesn't make her feel like something is wrong with her.