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Original poster

Need Advice on Dealing with boyfriend's unhealthy mother/son dynamic

59 replies

boymom09121618 · 10/03/2025 15:17

I need some advice/direction here, because I feel like my emotions have me too fogged to make a sound decision. So my boyfriend and I have our first child together due in the next couple months. (I have other children from previous relationship, this is his first child). We do not currently live together, but we have been planning to get a home together before the baby is born. He is SO close with his mom, that since we are not married, he wants to get a home with him and his mom only on the deed and she has agreed to help with down payment/costs. I currently have my own rental and he wants me to move in with him once he purchases the home and says he will pay all the house bills. He wants to buy a home that has an in-law suite for her to live with us. I am on the fence about it. Although my name would not be on the deed, I would still be giving up my current home and this would still be our first family home and I just don't know that it's the best idea to have his mom live with us right off the bat. We have found only one home within budget that offers an in law suite. His mom is offering to help with the down payment so I think that is part of the reason he is wanting to have her live there also. We are within 10 weeks or so of the baby coming and I am super stressed. I told him that if we aren't able to find a house that has an in law suite soon then we probably just need to focus on getting one for just our family for now and his exact response was " No, it's not worth it."
I am ALL for being close with parents, but I feel as if the closeness they share is unhealthy to our relationship/growth as a couple. He is so dependent on her for many different things (finances, emotions, advice, approval, etc.) and it's becoming stifling because it makes me feel like I will always be on the back burner/2nd best. He values her opinion SO much, but when I voice my opinion, he argues with it or downplays it. As soon as she gives hers, he listens and pretty much goes with what she suggests. I never thought that I'd be in a position to feel almost "jealous" of my boyfriends mother/their relationship, but I can't help but feel some type of way. I hate that I even feel this way but I myself am a mother and we are in our 30's...I'm super close with my parents but at the same time, I don't call them for every single decision/issue that my boyfriend and I have. And I most certainly do not lay out stipulations based around if my dad can live with us. I'm at a loss here because time is ticking, and I have expressed all of this calmly to him and it doesn't change anything. Help........

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 10/03/2025 15:29

Ick ..oh op, I hate that you've chosen this loser over yourself. Never have kids with a man who puts his mother before you. Guess that ship has sailed though tbh.

Do not for the love of fuck, give up your home. I wouldn't move in with him and mummy either.

Up until you said he downplays your opinions but kisses her ass I would have said, he should move in with you and you should keep renting. He needs to show he can live independently of his mother. That he can pay the bills and put you first.

But based on how he treats you...op I would dump him and go it alone. Now, before the baby comes and you're too tired. Look to leaning in your own family for support instead. Because this guy....is not a rock. He's a pit of despair. Hell suck the life from you.

Get him dumped and start preparing to be a single mum. He can still parent. But do not let him take your peace and self love. Which he will do, because he already does.
Rub!

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2025 15:30

**run!

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2025 15:38

And seriously op we have instincts for a reason and I know yours are screaming 'i don't want to give up my own safe space!' and 'i do not want to live with his mum!'. Listen to your instincts. They're trying to save you from hell!

It's a massive red flag that he treats you badly but puts her on a pedestal creating competition between you. Probably deliberate to some extent. Which is some fucked up shit. It's called narcissistic triangulation (when abusers play women off against eachother with the aim of making one or both parties feel unloved/insecure/jealous/not enough. Fucked.up.shit.

Either that or he's just so wet behind the ears that he will never leave mummies coat tails.

Either way, run like the wind.

Uricon2 · 10/03/2025 15:39

When this goes horribly wrong (and it will, you can see it already has if you reread your OP carefully) you will have no security, no property rights and will find yourself homeless with your existing children and possibly a young baby.

While renting has its own issues, your current setup is infinitely more secure that what is proposed and you owe it to yourself and especially your kids to prioritise that.

Chuchoter · 10/03/2025 15:41

Do t give up your home. It's too late to say you shouldn't be having a baby with someone you don't even love with but you can prevent any further problems by not letting him move in or you giving up your home.

Sadly, the man you chose to gather your child is not going to put you and his child first and as such you are probably going to be a single parent unfortunately.

nc43214321 · 10/03/2025 15:42

Yeah I would stay where you are and let him get a place with his mum. This to me sounds like the end of your relationship and just look how to coparent amicably going forward. Why do mothers do this to their sons? It's so weird, must be years of controlling them.

donothing · 10/03/2025 15:46

Put yourself first
And stand firm ...

Jade520 · 10/03/2025 15:46

He's said no to getting a place without his mum, you need to say no to getting a place with his mum. Sorry OP but mummies boys give me the absolute ick - and they never change. Whatever you do, don't give up your place to be a lodger in his and his mum's house.

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2025 15:46

nc43214321 · 10/03/2025 15:42

Yeah I would stay where you are and let him get a place with his mum. This to me sounds like the end of your relationship and just look how to coparent amicably going forward. Why do mothers do this to their sons? It's so weird, must be years of controlling them.

To be fair, unless I missed it, op doesn't say a bad word about his mum.

The issue is that HE plays her off against his mum. Mum could be a nice person, all be it, an enabler of his bs. But the problem is, he makes it clear that for him, she is on a pedestal op will never reach.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2025 15:47

This sounds like "I love and mama's boy" on TLC.

Having a child with him wasn't wise when you knew how (unhealthily) close he was with his mum.

Why does she need to live with you? They're too enmeshed and this will forever be part of your relationship.

Even if you split up, she will have strong opinions about your child that he will listen to above what you think.

He's not ready to be a fully functioning grown up man.

nc43214321 · 10/03/2025 15:51

@Sodthesystem your right, but the mother will know what is happening. If she has special needs problems then I can understand it little.

LastOneDancing · 10/03/2025 15:52

Wtf? No!

He's literally making future plans with his Mum as a life partner, not you.

Let him & his Mum get a place together and keep your own security for you & your kids.

ItTook9Years · 10/03/2025 15:53

Jeez. This has DISASTER written all over it.

Why on earth you’d get pregnant by this manchild is really concerning. And you are dragging other children into it as well.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 10/03/2025 15:54

Why have you chosen to have a baby with a baby?

Did you not know anything about him and his mum's relationship before starting a family with him?

I have to say, it doesn't sound as though he or his mum think your relationship is going to last.

Starlight7080 · 10/03/2025 15:55

Don't do it.
It sounds like she will have a lot of opinions on everything especially when the new baby arrives . She will want to take over and he will side with her. It will be awful for you and for your other child.
Then you will be stuck .
Keep your home and just wait it out till he grows up or maybe he won't. But that may just be something you must have already known .
How long have you been together ?

BeeCucumber · 10/03/2025 16:03

Never give up your life and security for a man. They will let you down. Your partner is so enmeshed with his mother that neither you or your child will ever come first. You know what to do deep down and this is why you are asking MN to confirm it

LordGaGaisasahd · 10/03/2025 16:04

You have other children from a different relationship. You owe it to them to keep a stable roof over their head. When your relationship with him goes belly up because of his mum he can throw you and your kids out very easily. Why would you want to risk that? you would have literally zero security.

Give your head a wobble and see what you would be risking. He will always chose his mum.

Whoarethoseguys · 10/03/2025 16:05

Could he afford the house without financial input from his mother if not that could be why he wants to buy the house jointly with her and for the house to have a granny annexe?
Also how committed is he to your relationship? Are you sure he really wants to share a home with you? How does he get on with your children?

romdowa · 10/03/2025 16:10

My only advice is to stay in your own home , you'd be making yourself very vunerable moving into another woman's home.

jollygoose · 10/03/2025 16:12

Absolutely not do not move in with bf and mum As previous posters have said you will have no security for yourself and children. If it all ends in tears you and your kids could be homeless. Another thing to add is that if the relationship did go sour he and his mum could be better placed to take care of new baby.

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2025 16:20

With you having a kid already too, don't disrupt their peace and stability to move in with this wet blanket of a guy.

'If he wanted to, he would' as the saying goes. Someone who doesn't want to build a home for and, with his pregnant partner, is just not that into you.

Maitri108 · 10/03/2025 16:22

He has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and it sounds like she'll always be the third wheel in your relationship. I wouldn't move in with him.

Daisyvodka · 10/03/2025 16:22

Honestly I really really really try to understand on these threads, but the fact that you actually planned to move your boyfriend in to live with your kids AND introduce a new baby AND move all within the space of a few short months... how on earth could you possibly have not stopped to think what an enormous amount of upheaval that would be for your existing kids?

'but when I voice my opinion, he argues with it or downplays it'
And you thought that this was a guy who would be a good partner/stepfather/dad? For Christ's sake, get your standards up off the floor woman. That's BASIC communication in a relationship, and he can't do it. What impact do you think that would have on your kids, to have someone around who speaks to their mum (or themselves) like that.
God, this is s frustrating to read. Why is the bar so low??

Scout2016 · 10/03/2025 16:22

How do your other children fit in here, would they be leaving their home and moving in with him and his mum too? How old are they?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/03/2025 16:27

@boymom09121618 does he even know what this seems like with his mum????

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