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Original poster

Need Advice on Dealing with boyfriend's unhealthy mother/son dynamic

59 replies

boymom09121618 · 10/03/2025 15:17

I need some advice/direction here, because I feel like my emotions have me too fogged to make a sound decision. So my boyfriend and I have our first child together due in the next couple months. (I have other children from previous relationship, this is his first child). We do not currently live together, but we have been planning to get a home together before the baby is born. He is SO close with his mom, that since we are not married, he wants to get a home with him and his mom only on the deed and she has agreed to help with down payment/costs. I currently have my own rental and he wants me to move in with him once he purchases the home and says he will pay all the house bills. He wants to buy a home that has an in-law suite for her to live with us. I am on the fence about it. Although my name would not be on the deed, I would still be giving up my current home and this would still be our first family home and I just don't know that it's the best idea to have his mom live with us right off the bat. We have found only one home within budget that offers an in law suite. His mom is offering to help with the down payment so I think that is part of the reason he is wanting to have her live there also. We are within 10 weeks or so of the baby coming and I am super stressed. I told him that if we aren't able to find a house that has an in law suite soon then we probably just need to focus on getting one for just our family for now and his exact response was " No, it's not worth it."
I am ALL for being close with parents, but I feel as if the closeness they share is unhealthy to our relationship/growth as a couple. He is so dependent on her for many different things (finances, emotions, advice, approval, etc.) and it's becoming stifling because it makes me feel like I will always be on the back burner/2nd best. He values her opinion SO much, but when I voice my opinion, he argues with it or downplays it. As soon as she gives hers, he listens and pretty much goes with what she suggests. I never thought that I'd be in a position to feel almost "jealous" of my boyfriends mother/their relationship, but I can't help but feel some type of way. I hate that I even feel this way but I myself am a mother and we are in our 30's...I'm super close with my parents but at the same time, I don't call them for every single decision/issue that my boyfriend and I have. And I most certainly do not lay out stipulations based around if my dad can live with us. I'm at a loss here because time is ticking, and I have expressed all of this calmly to him and it doesn't change anything. Help........

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 10/03/2025 16:39

WTAF op? NO, NO, NO. It’s too late re kids obvs, but please please don’t make yourself - and your children - vulnerable re housing. Sorry but this whole relationship has disaster-waiting-to-happen written all over it, mitigate against it all falling apart (and protect your children’s welfare) by keeping your own place.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/03/2025 17:36

@boymom09121618 he can do that but you aint moving in, are you??

SmugglersHaunt · 10/03/2025 17:39

Calling Dr Freud! Please don’t give up your security for him and his mum. Can you use any of your other kids as an excuse and say they’ve said they won’t be happy moving?

DelphiniumBlue · 10/03/2025 17:45

It's not his Mum living with you, it's you living with them. She's not helping with the downpayment, she's paying part of the downpayment for a house which will be legally in the joint names of herself and the other person paying, your BF. It will be her house more than it is yours. You are the one who can be kicked out if there's a problem, you will have less rights than a lodger.

Cherrysoup · 10/03/2025 17:47

Have you worked out how much money you’ll lose (universal credit, for example, how much council tax would be for all of you, how much he expects you to contribute)? I think you’d be better off retaining your rental at least for now. Sounds like he’s not focused on providing a home for you and your baby, he’s more into ensuring his mum lives with him.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2025 18:42

Daisyvodka · 10/03/2025 16:22

Honestly I really really really try to understand on these threads, but the fact that you actually planned to move your boyfriend in to live with your kids AND introduce a new baby AND move all within the space of a few short months... how on earth could you possibly have not stopped to think what an enormous amount of upheaval that would be for your existing kids?

'but when I voice my opinion, he argues with it or downplays it'
And you thought that this was a guy who would be a good partner/stepfather/dad? For Christ's sake, get your standards up off the floor woman. That's BASIC communication in a relationship, and he can't do it. What impact do you think that would have on your kids, to have someone around who speaks to their mum (or themselves) like that.
God, this is s frustrating to read. Why is the bar so low??

Harsh, but very true.

I do SMH when I read this stuff and the writing was on the wall.

It's a disaster.

Isthisit22 · 10/03/2025 18:48

Daisyvodka · 10/03/2025 16:22

Honestly I really really really try to understand on these threads, but the fact that you actually planned to move your boyfriend in to live with your kids AND introduce a new baby AND move all within the space of a few short months... how on earth could you possibly have not stopped to think what an enormous amount of upheaval that would be for your existing kids?

'but when I voice my opinion, he argues with it or downplays it'
And you thought that this was a guy who would be a good partner/stepfather/dad? For Christ's sake, get your standards up off the floor woman. That's BASIC communication in a relationship, and he can't do it. What impact do you think that would have on your kids, to have someone around who speaks to their mum (or themselves) like that.
God, this is s frustrating to read. Why is the bar so low??

This.
please consider not having anymore babies with people that you don’t even live with.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2025 18:56

he wants to get a home with him and his mom only on the deed and she has agreed to help with down payment/costs.

If her name is on the deed, then THEY are the owners. I'm sure they'll do it as joint tenants.

I currently have my own rental and he wants me to move in with him once he purchases the home and says he will pay all the house bills.

So you will give up your home and the stability your children have. He can kick you out further down the line and you don't t have much of a leg to stand on.

He wants to buy a home that has an in-law suite for her to live with us. I am on the fence about it.

He's not prepared to live as a grown up without mummy.

We have found only one home within budget that offers an in law suite. His mom is offering to help with the down payment so I think that is part of the reason he is wanting to have her live there also.

Have you thought that maybe, jusy maybe, he really doesn't want to live with you and his budget is unrealistic for a house with an in-law suite. It's not going to happen on his budget... and he knows that.

I told him that if we aren't able to find a house that has an in law suite soon then we probably just need to focus on getting one for just our family for now and his exact response was " No, it's not worth it."

He isn't moving to a new house without mummy dearest. When he says it's not worth it , he means you, your kids AND his unborn child ARE NOT WORTH IT*

None of you are worth more than him not living with his mum.

Have you ever wondered why he was single when you met him?

Krop · 10/03/2025 19:01

Some concerning things here.

You will lose your home and have no security if you move into a house that him and his mum own. It's very concerning that he's prepared to have a child with you but not buy a house with you.

Some men do need their mothers a lot more closely/for a lot longer than women. It seems to be a thing and I can see that my DD is far more independent than my DS. Anyway - that's no excuse for her to bloody move in with you. That's plain weird.

I would ask him if he's prepared to buy a property with the pair of you on the deeds, near to where his mum is. It should be nice to live nearby, but in the same place is just too much. If he isn't, I'd stay put in your current home.

outerspacepotato · 10/03/2025 19:10

Run like the fucking wind. This is a disastershit.

You're the 3rd wheel to mama and her boy and he'll always be her boy.

Do not move in with Mama and her boy, do not move Mama's boy in, file for child support. Prioritize your children's stability. WTF

dcadmamagain · 10/03/2025 19:26

How does his mother treat your other children? I'd be very worried that she'll be all over her grandchild and not your other children

beAsensible1 · 10/03/2025 19:33

Do not move in with him obviously.

either you guys buy somewhere together WITHOUT his mum and he waits for you to get a deposit

or you continue to live between the 2 places and he stays while baby is v little.
I do think you probably need couples counselling to work out this issue but really he doesn’t see a problem so you’re going to leave eventually or put up with their enmeshment for life and be perpetually undermined

Missj25 · 10/03/2025 19:48

DaisyVodka, not helping with your “ Get your standards up off the floor “ & “why is the bar so low “ ! !
OP is due a baby soon & stressed out & when people speak like you , it really isn’t helpful at all ….

OP keep your home whatever you do & yes he has a very unhealthy relationship with his mother..
DO NOT move in with him & his mother EVER ! !
From the sounds of your post , he does not listen to anything you have to say for yourself, that’s not good either , as in sitting him down for a serious chat not on the table I’m guessing?
Like how doesn’t he think himself that ye need to grow together as a family together but not with his mother ! !
What kinda friends has he got , like are they married ? Surely not living with their mothers ..
Can you not point it out to him that way ?

Original poster
boymom09121618 · 11/03/2025 15:48

At this point, he is not budging and pretty much it's either get a home with his mom and him on the deed only and she lives on property, or we live separately.

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 11/03/2025 16:15

So you have no security and you will definitely be pushed aside when the new baby arrives. You will want to do things one way and his mum will tell you it's wrong(no matter what people find fault in parents of newborns) and he will take her side.
And who knows how far it will go. If she is like this with her son imagine what she will be like with a grandchild.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 11/03/2025 16:27

boymom09121618 · 11/03/2025 15:48

At this point, he is not budging and pretty much it's either get a home with his mom and him on the deed only and she lives on property, or we live separately.

So he can't see your side of things? He really can't put himself in your place and understand how stifling it might be, how insecure you might feel, how much of the power he is taking and giving to his mother? And what happens when MIL decides that she knows more about the baby than you do, and that she will bring it up much better than you can - whose side do you think he will be on then?

He can't even discuss this like a grown up or take your concerns on board. It's his way or the highway - I'd start walking.

BinWim · 11/03/2025 16:48

NO WAY.

FondantFancyFan · 11/03/2025 16:50

Why did you choose to have a relationship and a baby with this man given the baggage he comes with. Have a bit of self respect and raise the bar higher.

CarpetKnees · 11/03/2025 16:50

Not often there is 100% agreement in all the replies on MN.

I mean, as the first reply said, why on earth would you consider having a baby with someone who can't leave his mother ? Yes, I know it's too late now and not helpful to you, but if someone else reading this thread is in the same position......

As it is, there is no way in the world I would give up my rental if I were you.
There is absolutely no way I would be living with my MiL in your circumstances.

Hungryhungryrhino · 11/03/2025 16:59

Why on earth would you consider this.
you’d be leaving all your dc and yourself with zero security and zero rights to a home. Presumably youll take on most childcare and housework (as typically happens) whilst you look after his mum (as typically happens) and you live in THEIR house and they create investments for themselves and you get nothing.

Thats before we get to the fact that you (and your baby) are and will always be second and third to his mother, and that he is a grown man still relying on his mother.

If he doesn’t care enough about you the baby and your other dc to move in with you that’s everything you need to know

Let him and his mum do what they want. Do not move into their house to live with them.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/03/2025 17:04

What the fuck have you got yourself and your children into. You have children OP. People who are reliant on you making good decisions for their safety and happiness. How do you think this is going to play out?

How long have you even been dating this man?

Devianinc · 11/03/2025 17:19

Where is the birth control. This isn’t the nineteenth century. There’s no excuse anymore. And don’t put yourself at their mercy, you’ll get nothing out of this and bc of that it doesn’t make sense to do. Keep your independence.

5128gap · 11/03/2025 17:33

I'm sorry, but this is not a good relationship for you to be in. If he hasn't transfered his primary feelings, respect and care from his mother to you by now, I don't think its likely he will. This may be because he has an unhealthy attachment to her, but may equally be that he's not sufficiently attached to you to make the switch. Either way, it's a very bad basis to be building a family. If I were you I'd be cutting my losses now and planning for my life as a single parent and hoping he will at least be an involved dad. What I wouldn't be doing is investing in him as my life partner when it's clear his feelings for you are not as they should be.

EasyTouch · 11/03/2025 17:34

boymom09121618 · 11/03/2025 15:48

At this point, he is not budging and pretty much it's either get a home with his mom and him on the deed only and she lives on property, or we live separately.

You need to see reality clearly.
It is NOT a case of him buying a house with only him and his mother on the deeds and if you want to live with him , you have to move into that house.

It's a case of a man choosing not to buy a house with the mother of his child, or even moving into the present home of the mother to be of his child in order to be a present parent.
And to make it worse, he is expecting you to prioritise moving into his and his mother's shared property, which you and your other children have no stake in and which you can be kicked out of at any.time.
And as he only has parental obligation to your shared child, he will look for sole custody of the child, having provided a home for the child with a live in grandpsrent to share physical care .
Whilst you and your other children are in a homeless refuge.
He or him and his mother have spotted the "needy' in you; the mother well aware of how much of a bad bargain her son is to most women. She has to be overjoyed that somebody chose to give her a grandchild through him!

This is most definitely your future. And it would be okay, except for the fact that you have an obligation to the children you have that are already here.

Dump this devious shithouse now and promise yourself to self reflect and be honest as to what you have projected to this man why he so boldly offered you this disrespectful proposition knowing that you wouldn't cuss out the whole of his family tree and dumping him immediately without need for committee.
He's a momma's boy, but his momma aint raised no fool.
They are two narcs simpatico.

Just cut and leave. You will not win this in the way that you want to. Especially as he has shown you the choice that you do have if you want to live with him.

Rejection is very often protection.
I do not advise protraction. You will lose everything.

FictionalCharacter · 11/03/2025 17:49

Starlight7080 · 10/03/2025 15:55

Don't do it.
It sounds like she will have a lot of opinions on everything especially when the new baby arrives . She will want to take over and he will side with her. It will be awful for you and for your other child.
Then you will be stuck .
Keep your home and just wait it out till he grows up or maybe he won't. But that may just be something you must have already known .
How long have you been together ?

This is exactly what would happen. You’d be posting one of those sad, horrifying stories on MN where MIL snatches your baby off you, dictates how you parent, and your partner will let her.