Drifting apart from DM. I never saw this coming

[Flyg]

I used to have the easiest most natural feeling great relationship with my mum and i never thought that would change.

Im mid 40's now and i would say this change has been happening probably over the last 4 years or so, but its getting harder now to spend time together for me (i honestly dont know if shes feeling it to the extent i am).

I do think she has been captured a lot by stuff she's seen on youtube. She does repeat some questionable right wing stuff and said she voted Reform last time, despite always being a labour voter before that. I'm not sure how much this has played a part in me finding it uncomfortable to talk to her. She bigs up Trump and Musk a bit and even Tommy Robinson FGS. She also claimed people were arrested for "nothing" following the Southport riots - which i just feel is surely a stretch. I dont really want this to become a political debate, its just all of these viewpoints are brand new from her and in the past we have always pretty much seen eye to eye politically and as everyone knows political disagreements are hard to navigate, much like religious ones.

She also realised over the last few years that one her her sisters was a total narc (she really, really is, ive always seen it) and i feel like because she didnt know what her sister was doing for so many years, with gaslighting and making her feel bad - its like she is now on the defensive with everyone, myself included.

I sense an anger under the surface with her a lot of the time too.

I suppose im wondering if anyone else has hit an unexpected sticky patch with their mum and hoping there might be some advice or wise words for me in managing this? Its making me lose sleep lately as my tummy is a bit in knots when she is here. She does lots to help with the kids and ive always appreciated that and still do, its just that spending time together now has started to feel really fraught.

Like you i work in public sector so i feel like i don't want to talk politics after work. My mum voted reform, strongly inluenced by my step dad who believes all the crap on youtube. My husband and i shut the conversations down as soon as they start and say not interested in having this conversation. All my family voted reform, as did husbands we just refuse to have poltical discussions.

This is my parents to a tee.
They taught me about the world and how to be kind to everyone......and now their views are so right wing, it's just heartbreaking.
I live over 2 hours away from them and when this was once a barrier, it is now such a relief as I do use it to limit my time with them.

Oh, I'm experiencing exactly what you describe. I'm so sad that my lovely, hippy, caring mother now only seems to see the worst in everyone and everything. It's made our relationship very difficult. We now agree not to talk about politics but she seems to have become so obsessed that it makes it hard for her to talk about anything else.
Sending you lots of sympathy.

Your Mum is a woman in her own right, and is entitled to her own opinions, even if they are not to your liking. She probably has more time on her hands now (post retirement) to read and formulate opinions.

My Mum had some very right wing thoughts when she was alive, many of which I rolled my eyes at - guess what, nearly all of her predictions have actually come true.

What's wrong with voting for Reform? Millions of people would, as would me and my DH next time round. Starmer did talk of boots on the ground! She's not making that up.

Please leave her alone. My BIL was always challenging my Mum's opinions and she actually just stopped talking - it was really sad. She was a lovely lady who was made to feel like a fool for wanting to protect her own country from the bad things she could see coming.

Above all remember that she is allowed to have opinions - if you don't like them, that's too bad. She's not just a service bot.

I think it might be something that happens as people get older. They have more time to think. They go online and get bombarded with radical nonsense. They're annoyed at their own mortality. My mum lurched from far left to right of centre, ably assisted by her iPad and access to the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.

It's strange how it creeps over people. My dm has gone this way. It started when she had a right wing boyfriend in her mid 70s. Suddenly she was extolling the virtues of Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson and anyone who reads The Guardian was the "looney left". All sorts of racist nonsense followed.

But that's not really what people are saying is the problem. It's both the distinct change in personality and the misery that seems to have come with it. Supposing your mother's political views hadn't changed but her personality had otherwise become very, very different, and she wasn't happy anymore, instead seemed angry and distressed? Surely that would concern you? Because that's the problem here, not the fact that many on the thread are disagreeing with your political views.

@Flyg I also think that part of what you’re experiencing is the shift from the parent-adult child role into the adult child providing support to an aging parent. Some parents do need considerable support as they age, both physical and emotional, my Dad certainly does, and we start protecting them more.

It sounds as if your Mum needs more emotional support given that she’s getting angry at the world and perhaps experiencing some underlying depression from the way you’re describing her.

It can be a shock when we have to start supporting them more, especially emotionally. 💐

Thank you, that is exactly right. I did say in my OP that i didnt mean for this to turn into a political discussion, but i knew some people would ignore that!

As for the poster suggesting i think of my mum as a service bot, thats just utterly vile to suggest. This entire thread has been a plea for help and advice to re-connect with my mum who has changed significantly and is NOT happier for it. "Leave her alone" - i doubt that's the advice my mum would want me to take, for all you seem to (laughably) think you care more about her than me, i am fairly sure she doesn't want her only daughter to do that.

Exactly, it's the anger. And for me the rigidity, and to some extent, the sources she's reading and believing.
I don't mind that my DM has different views to me. It's how she expresses them! Out for a fight all the time. And I don't want one.
Her mindset seems to be "I'm right, you're wrong" much of the time too, which doesn't make for conversation or debate!

I hadn't thought about it like this. Definitely food for thought for me here.