Drifting apart from DM. I never saw this coming

[Flyg]

I used to have the easiest most natural feeling great relationship with my mum and i never thought that would change.

Im mid 40's now and i would say this change has been happening probably over the last 4 years or so, but its getting harder now to spend time together for me (i honestly dont know if shes feeling it to the extent i am).

I do think she has been captured a lot by stuff she's seen on youtube. She does repeat some questionable right wing stuff and said she voted Reform last time, despite always being a labour voter before that. I'm not sure how much this has played a part in me finding it uncomfortable to talk to her. She bigs up Trump and Musk a bit and even Tommy Robinson FGS. She also claimed people were arrested for "nothing" following the Southport riots - which i just feel is surely a stretch. I dont really want this to become a political debate, its just all of these viewpoints are brand new from her and in the past we have always pretty much seen eye to eye politically and as everyone knows political disagreements are hard to navigate, much like religious ones.

She also realised over the last few years that one her her sisters was a total narc (she really, really is, ive always seen it) and i feel like because she didnt know what her sister was doing for so many years, with gaslighting and making her feel bad - its like she is now on the defensive with everyone, myself included.

I sense an anger under the surface with her a lot of the time too.

I suppose im wondering if anyone else has hit an unexpected sticky patch with their mum and hoping there might be some advice or wise words for me in managing this? Its making me lose sleep lately as my tummy is a bit in knots when she is here. She does lots to help with the kids and ive always appreciated that and still do, its just that spending time together now has started to feel really fraught.

Thanks... like i said i wish i had an answer but i just feel myself pulling away

Because i cant bare it. It feels so sad and its so unnecessary 😔😔😔

It’s difficult, isn’t it? I have found my DM is less interested in a conversation and more “looking for an audience”, if that makes sense. She is only interested in my life if I start the conversation - she doesn’t really ask us questions any more. Fortunately she’s not rambling on about conspiracy theories or it would be really hard! I just have to grit my teeth when she asks me if I know X has died or Y has closed down - yes, Mum, you mentioned it every time I’ve seen you this year.

Literally as im sat here now the end credits for Aladdin are on (my son is watching it after school) and its a big, bright celebratory dance scene in Agrabah and she goes "that was persia before it was taken over, bright, colourful fun, now thats all gone"

Now i know the curtailing of especially womens freedoms in Persia/iran is awful, but why is she sat there with that ready to go, unable to just watch the end of a film without stating that.

Its like shes a permanently loaded gun and she was NEVER anything like this before.

She would fall out with me i think if i suggested a doctor. One of the results of finally seeing her sister for what she is has been this absolute refusal to bend or apologise or consider anything other than what she thinks (thinks she knows). If we fall out now we stay fallen out until i eat humble pie, which i always do because i know she wont.

She is constantly armed and ready in case we are all gaslighting and running rings round her like her sister did. I would struggle to tell her that though, if i say anything she doesnt like she goes silent with a stoney face and its honestly the most uncomfortable i have ever felt in my life in those moments.

I have thought about promoting the U3A to her, or the WI. Im hoping she isnt too far gone to make new friends.

Honestly if i read these posts 5 years ago i would be blown away, our relationship was the best, the most solid thing in my life. I am beyond sad at the way it has changed. I just hope theres a way back.

I am afraid I would go low to no contact and she would not be allowed round my kids. If she asked why I woukd tell her exactly why.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply, thank you... but i can say now that I am just never ever going to do that with my mum.

My dads been radicalised by instagram. He follows a load of right wing bigots and gets all of his news from there. He talks about the liberals who try and keep kids away from their dads. And keeps alluding to the ‘liberal conspiracy’ and I’m just like dad you know I’m a liberal right? He does.

He’s always had some questionable views but this has been a huge escalation as he was very non-political / refusing to vote as he thought they’re all the same. Now he loves trump. I guess it’s people like my dad who are susceptible to someone like trump as he pretends to be ‘for the people’ and not a politician.

I refuse to engage with any political talk. I logged in to his instagram and unfollowed some of the worse accounts and followed some men’s mental health charities and cute animal pages lol. (Yes I know an invasion of his privacy)

But he is mainly nice to me and knows that I’m the opposite to him so I do feel for you if you’re not experiencing that level of anger and paranoia from her. Sounds like she has multiple things going on. Maybe manage your time with her so you’re doing stuff like a trip to the garden centre or something she enjoys as it can be a distraction from too much loaded conversation

This sounds like your mum might be sick. Has she had a head scan? Any change in behaviour like this with confused actions like potato and turnip in spag bol and then sort of knowing it's not quite right but acting a bit funny about it would first make me want to talk to a doctor or neurologist and have some kind of head scan.

My DSis is always quoting GB news and says positive things about Trump. I just steer away from those conversations. It’s happened since she was retired early due to a health condition. I think too much time on hands.

Sorry with the bringing it back round to my personal experiences but my DWs nan seemed to keep similar nuggets up her sleeve to pull out to try and cause some reaction. ‘What do you think of this trans craze then?’ Knowing my lesbian wife’s position full well but wanting to start something. She deffo enjoyed it. I think she was entertained by winding her up.

Do you think she’s doing it on purpose? Or obviously not realising you won’t think the same as her?

I know it’s easier said than done but once we accepted she was trying to get a rise we found it easier to ignore and then (affectionately) laugh about it later. She was a funny mean woman but we loved her.

Hope you manage some strategies to make it easier as she might get worse as she gets older

I have to say that my politics have become a little more right as I have aged. The drop in Oestrogen perhaps has really drawn my attention to certain inequities and I am no longer particularly interested in being generous of outlook to every other bugger in the world. I have started to prioritise me and mine (and charity, where I know the charity well).

I think it’s a bit dangerous to assume there is something wrong with her and her views. She may just be a different life stage with different priorities.

An increase in anxiety also makes the whole ‘turning up at the right time with the agreed stuff’ much harder.

Maybe you could help her manage any tendency towards anxiety- the whole seeing Aladdin and getting sad about Persia is part of it- that sense of sadness and anxiety about the state of the world. Frankly, it’s pretty awful. Her concern about that is hardly right wing or a conspiracy!

And as someone who knows several lesbian teen friends/family members who have transitioned I can’t see that as a terrible conspiracy fear, either.

Been watching a lot of YouTube recently?

@myplace i think you are conflating mine and another's posters posts a bit.

suggesting gays really want to change sex is a notion so horrifying to me I cant tell you. I know there are straight people who hold that view and thats just how it is, i made peace with that fact years ago. Its a different matter when my own mother is now suggesting it though. And hearing her say it made me feel physically sick.

I dont consider it a wild right wing conspiracy though. The trans/gay mess is entirely of the lefts making IMO.

When I first started reading your post OP, I thought we might share a mother!! But mine seems to have radicalised without need for a triggering event (perhaps it was covid vaccines... she has been increasingly anti-vax with the growth of the internet). I think what PP said about a complete inability to think critically about what they read on the internet is part of the issue - maybe in the past, with print media, you had some degree of faith in what was written due to press regulation and they have just turned uncritically to new media? Or maybe it is a need to feel important or in the know (common with conspiracy theorists), just as they are getting older and perhaps feeling less relevant. I don't know.

My DM is still the same person most of the time but talk of current events, particularly if wine has been imbibed, are unbearable. It is so interesting to see that it is a common phenomenon.

I am going offline shortly but wanted to say again thank you to everyone who replied

I was coming on to say the same. I was baffled by my mum's drift to the right and increasing vulnerability to conspiracy/fringe stuff (as well as really obvious FB scams) and sure enough she ended up diagnosed with Alzheimers. I do think there's a lurch to the right as everyone gets older to some extent but anything that could be described as a decreasing ability to stay in touch with reality is a thing to watch, I think.

Have another chat with her saying you’d both agreed to stay away from uncomfortable subjects, and every time she drifts towards madland just say ,”Mum” and gently change the subject. Can you go walking with her? A walk is very relaxing, especially through woods, and helps with depression, which she might have. Be a good pastime for her to have. I agree with the suggestion to encourage her towards U3A.

Exactly this. When my mother started behaving like this it turned out to be the first signs of dementia. She wasn't forgetting anything but her personality had changed completely, so while she passed the memory test for dementia, a brain scan showed that was in fact the case. I'd had to trick her into the doctor's though to get her looked at. However she of course refused to accept it. It was everyone else in the wrong. Medication has helped a lot though.

My Dad became more and more right wing as he aged, and would only watch GB News. He was also more and more isolated, just keeping himself in his flat and watching the news over and over. Having worked in elderly care, I think it's just the general start of age related decline, especially when people don't have active social lives. All she's got to tell you about is what she's seen on the news. When you see her, perhaps vary the routine and just let her talk then change the subject? You don't have to engage with conversation you're not comfortable with.

Makes me think it’s not just teens who need banning 🙈

So talk about things other than politics if you can't stand hearing a viewpoint other than your own?

Have a good old fashioned debate otherwise. Challenge her if you think she's wrong.

But I'm sure you'll be told to go NC.

I refuse to talk about pricks or current affairs with either of my parents who to a worsening degree spout whatever they read in the daily mail as their strongly believed truth. I am a social worker. So you can imagine that it's less to
Some huge arguments. They do say people get more extreme as they age and that has certainly been true in their case. I find it harder and harder work to be around them which is a shame as we used to be quite close. ( not just due to this but it's a huge part of it).

Hahahaha. Politics!! Not pricks!! Though they Do love Farage and Johnson et al. So maybe auto correct was right.