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Original poster

Husband says I’m not affectionate enough

76 replies

DoNotDisturb54 · 10/03/2025 12:26

Feeling a bit rubbish today as I’m not sure whether my marriage can be saved. I love my husband dearly but we have a recurring issue where he says I’m not affectionate enough. It’s happened quite a few times over the past few years where he’s been moody/given me the silent treatment and I’ve managed to coax it out of him that he’s not happy with the lack of affection from me. He says it feels like we’re just roommates. I honestly think what he really means is we’re not having enough regular sex. We probably have sex on average every 2 weeks, sometimes more like 3 weeks on occasion. We have a young DD and I’ve seen a lot of mum’s with the same issue that their libido has dropped since having a child and they simply don’t feel like doing the deed after a long day of looking after children. I think the phrase is being ‘touched out.’ I’m so exhausted at the end of the day I just want to get into bed and sleep!

The first time he brought this up I was shocked, but I understood where he was coming from and realised I’d been so focused on our child I’d neglected dh and his needs completely. So I really put the effort in to cuddle/kiss more and have sex even, ashamedly, if I wasn’t really feeling it. However, once things get back on track I do seem to get complacent, he starts to feel rejected again and the whole cycle starts again.

I feel like recently our relationship has been the best it’s been since having our child. The affection is coming much more naturally to me, we always cuddle on the sofa in the evening and before falling asleep. I’ve even starting enjoying and wanting sex more regularly. However, this morning I’ve been blindsided with the silent treatment, and once again managed to eventually find out the reason is still
not enough affection.

So just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and managed to save their marriage? I feel like I’m really trying and it’s still not good enough. Or does it sound like this is a problem that’s just going to keep cropping up until one of us has had enough and leaves? I can’t stand the silent treatment/moodiness as I feel it’s really unfair on me. But he says there’s no point talking to me about it because he’s tried before and nothing changes.

Ugh, just any advice or thought on the situation is greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
TY78910 · 10/03/2025 12:38

Just have an open and honest conversation. His feelings are valid, but silent treatment is not the way to go about it. Strong communication is key.

You need to get to a place where you can both say 'let's have a conversation without the fear of retaliation' and either of you is able to say what's on your chest without an argument. Therapy helps some, but I found that just giving the other person the heads up that a conversation is coming works well. You should tell DH that you're open to listening and so he should feel like he's able to address his concerns and not going in to silent treatment / moody behaviour as that's unproductive and will likely make you not want to be affectionate even more

Yulelogish · 10/03/2025 12:55

Does he give you the silent treatment/moodiness about other issues as well?

Meadowfinch · 10/03/2025 12:57

Agree with @TY78910 he means not enough sex.

Have a calm conversation one Saturday morning, in which you can explain that you hear what he is saying and you have tried, but equally you are exhausted with childcare and he's not taking that into account.

Does he help out at home, do his fair share? Look after LO while you have a lie in on Sundays?

Also giving you the silent treatment is a massive turnoff so it needs to stop. I don't know any sane woman who wants to have sex with a sulky petulant brat.

Is he jealous of your child? Because it is very hard to come back from that.

Original poster
DoNotDisturb54 · 10/03/2025 12:58

@Yulelogish yes he does, it’s a massive bug bear of mine, any time he’s annoyed about something I’ve said or done I’m supposed to be a mind reader! A lot of the time I just ignore it and he’s ok again in a few days. But obviously the issues he has never get resolved. Our communication is awful.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 10/03/2025 13:00

He sounds like a petulant child. I wouldn't want to have sex with him with that behaviour/attitude!

How much work around the house and with your DD does he do? Do you both work?

Gymbunny2025 · 10/03/2025 13:05

What a passion killer! I think it's reasonable to only have sex if you actually want it. And I certainly wouldn't want it if he was 'punishing' me.

rubberduck68 · 10/03/2025 13:05

"He’s been moody/given me the silent treatment and I’ve managed to coax it out of him that he’s not happy with the lack of affection from me."

You should not have to put up with "the silent treatment", stonewalling is abusive, and if he can't communicate with you he's not emotionally mature enough to deserve doing something as grown up as having sex. Frequency of shagging is a very personal thing; but sulking about not getting enough is a very immature thing. You have not "neglected" his needs. You are not a concubine who is there to serve his dick. You have needs too, and right now they are prioritised with parenting and sleep. You have one child to care for, I'd draw the line at two, and refuse to shag him at all until he can use his words like a big boy.

LincolnLegends · 10/03/2025 13:08

Silent treatment is classed as abuse and unless you both address it then there is a very high chance your relationship will fail.

T

I would suggest looking at ways to improve your communication. Whether that is just looking online for guidance or marriage counselling.

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Sunat45degrees · 10/03/2025 13:08

Putting aside the sex/affection issue for a moment - silent treatment is abuse and is intrinsically a controlling tactic. the goal is to make you off balance and then to beg forgiveness and, ultimately, NEVER TO DO WHATEVER HE DOESN"T like ever again.

Was the most recent silent treatment after you'd rejected sex? Not that it matters, but if you said no on the weekend then this makes his silent treatment linked to sex even worse.

You mention that you are tired and touched out... what does he do that actualy makes you feeel loved because it's what YOU need? So I bet he'll tell you that cuddling on the couch and sex is how he shows you affection, but what do you really need? Because I bet that like many women, you'd feel that love a lot more if you could put your feet up because he sorted out bedtime, did the laundry or cooked you a meal.

pikkumyy77 · 10/03/2025 13:10

Someone here posted the link to the concept “dry begging” I suggest you look it up. Sulking and silence in a relationship snd moodiness are forms of dry begging in which the beggar doesn’t have to ask explicitly for what they want and try to threaten or seduce you into giving it “freely” so they can’t be accused of pressuring you and don’t have to be grateful. Look into it. Its not ok!

Scottsy200 · 10/03/2025 18:49

Urgh I had one of these, nothing was ever enough that’s why he was a lying cheating sack of shit who sent dick pics to anyone who would entertain him.

MB34 · 10/03/2025 19:01

I've been in a similar position and was for 10ish years, and the way my marriage survived was that my DH wasn't a dickhead.

He understood how I felt (or tried to) and didn't push me or guilt me into having sex.

Also, he was looking after the children too and most of the time he was as exhausted as I was.

On top of the busy lives and children, I was/am also perimenopausal and found out that my testosterone levels were non existent (hence the utter non interest in anything to do with sex and my low moods). Since being on testosterone, I don't know myself...and my husband thinks all his birthdays and Christmases have come at once.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 10/03/2025 19:10

OMG men sulking is so immature & infantile.
Making their problem (lack of sex in the relationship) your fault & your issue to resolve is a real turn-off.

You know what's really sexy?
Men parenting their children & pulling their weight around the house without having to be told exactly what to do & when to do it.
Men making time & creating a safe space to have a discussion about difficulties in the relationship & looking to address them together

ladyinred36 · 10/03/2025 19:14

Does he give u affection ?

Maitri108 · 10/03/2025 19:15

What he's doing could be considered coercive. Sulking and giving the the silent treatment because you're not getting what you want, is abusive.

You're at an impasse as you have mismatched libidos.

Never have sex you don't want and don't accept the silent treatment, it's immature, shitty behaviour.

Ph3 · 10/03/2025 19:22

So what I would say is:

  • silent treatment and sulking is not any way of dealing with any problems. He’s an adult therefore communicating effectively is what is important
  • is sex is love language - it can be how it feels connected with you and sex once every 2/3 weeks might not be enough for him to feel connected
  • with small kids it’s difficult to find the emotional/physical will to include more sex especially if it’s not your love language. What is he doing to lighten the load for you so you have the bandwidth to engage
  • I don’t think you should be trying to have more sex and that will only lead to resentment - you need to figure out what makes you want to connect with him and he needs to be open to that.

my 2 cents

Phyllisve · 10/03/2025 19:23

DoNotDisturb54 · 10/03/2025 12:26

Feeling a bit rubbish today as I’m not sure whether my marriage can be saved. I love my husband dearly but we have a recurring issue where he says I’m not affectionate enough. It’s happened quite a few times over the past few years where he’s been moody/given me the silent treatment and I’ve managed to coax it out of him that he’s not happy with the lack of affection from me. He says it feels like we’re just roommates. I honestly think what he really means is we’re not having enough regular sex. We probably have sex on average every 2 weeks, sometimes more like 3 weeks on occasion. We have a young DD and I’ve seen a lot of mum’s with the same issue that their libido has dropped since having a child and they simply don’t feel like doing the deed after a long day of looking after children. I think the phrase is being ‘touched out.’ I’m so exhausted at the end of the day I just want to get into bed and sleep!

The first time he brought this up I was shocked, but I understood where he was coming from and realised I’d been so focused on our child I’d neglected dh and his needs completely. So I really put the effort in to cuddle/kiss more and have sex even, ashamedly, if I wasn’t really feeling it. However, once things get back on track I do seem to get complacent, he starts to feel rejected again and the whole cycle starts again.

I feel like recently our relationship has been the best it’s been since having our child. The affection is coming much more naturally to me, we always cuddle on the sofa in the evening and before falling asleep. I’ve even starting enjoying and wanting sex more regularly. However, this morning I’ve been blindsided with the silent treatment, and once again managed to eventually find out the reason is still
not enough affection.

So just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and managed to save their marriage? I feel like I’m really trying and it’s still not good enough. Or does it sound like this is a problem that’s just going to keep cropping up until one of us has had enough and leaves? I can’t stand the silent treatment/moodiness as I feel it’s really unfair on me. But he says there’s no point talking to me about it because he’s tried before and nothing changes.

Ugh, just any advice or thought on the situation is greatly appreciated!

He should be treating you like the Queen Momma you are, not making you feel bad. Maybe tell him he needs to treat you right and stop being so entitled. He’s not a teenager now he’s a dad

Ahsheeit · 10/03/2025 19:26

Ew. Sulking because not enough sex, in his eyes, what a turn off. Guaranteed to make mine clamp shut forever.

JocelynLimo · 10/03/2025 19:27

I think if he treated you with love and respect, you would be more likely to want more sex.

If he sulks, is moody, immature and selfish, and gives you the silent treatment...how does he expect you to want to be intimate with him?

RentalWoesNotFun · 10/03/2025 19:29

Men and their "needs". Fucking pathetic.

He's calling it a 'lack of affection' but if you give him affection you'll soon find out he mean 'lack of sex'.

I had one of those guys that says he 'missed the closeness" What he meant is he missed sex.

I don't know why they can't just say it.
I don't know why they go moody and act like fucking spoiled moody brats if they don't get their way.
It's so childish and manipulative.
There's no respect there. It's not love. You're just a warm hole to fuck. It's not romantic. It's horrible.

I dumped and moved on. But I didn't have little children to think of. So it was easier for me.

safetyfreak · 10/03/2025 19:30

So, you have made the effort to improve yet he is giving you the silent treatment cause he woke up in a bad mood?

You...cannot... win.

He enjoys being in these moods and its a power play with you. Ignore, ignore and ignore.

Kosenrufugirl · 10/03/2025 19:35

Do you like reading?

If you do, there are many good books on how to improve a marriage or a relationship.

For your situation, I hightly recommend 5 Languages of Love

Mumlaplomb · 10/03/2025 19:35

My husband would have sex every day if he could but I was also like you, just too exhausted from working, maintaining the home and looking after the kids. I have found my libido has started to come back now my kids are school age and I am slightly less knackered. However whilst my husband would optimistically try it on, he would never sulk or not speak to me, that’s bordering into emotional abuse, and an instant turn off for anyone.

Jade520 · 10/03/2025 19:37

Kosenrufugirl · 10/03/2025 19:35

Do you like reading?

If you do, there are many good books on how to improve a marriage or a relationship.

For your situation, I hightly recommend 5 Languages of Love

Sex isn't a love language. He's calling it affection to make it sound more palatable and make the OP sound more unreasonable.
He sounds like a sex pest OP who is trying to coerce you into sex with his childish behaviour. Nothing would give me the ick more.

Biscuitsformeandyou · 10/03/2025 19:44

Feel free to ignore if you do not want a male perspective, but if you do than I would add that I do feel more distant from my partner if we have a long gap without sex, with little things that I would look pass bothering me. I am trying very hard to stop this and manage my behaviour, but it is difficult. I don't think that any party should be having sex they don't want, but I do think that they should work tougher to change the fundamentals as much as possible to create an environment more conducive to sex. It doesn't sound like he is doing that at all. You don't owe him anything.