Husband says I’m not affectionate enough

[DoNotDisturb54]

Feeling a bit rubbish today as I’m not sure whether my marriage can be saved. I love my husband dearly but we have a recurring issue where he says I’m not affectionate enough. It’s happened quite a few times over the past few years where he’s been moody/given me the silent treatment and I’ve managed to coax it out of him that he’s not happy with the lack of affection from me. He says it feels like we’re just roommates. I honestly think what he really means is we’re not having enough regular sex. We probably have sex on average every 2 weeks, sometimes more like 3 weeks on occasion. We have a young DD and I’ve seen a lot of mum’s with the same issue that their libido has dropped since having a child and they simply don’t feel like doing the deed after a long day of looking after children. I think the phrase is being ‘touched out.’ I’m so exhausted at the end of the day I just want to get into bed and sleep!

The first time he brought this up I was shocked, but I understood where he was coming from and realised I’d been so focused on our child I’d neglected dh and his needs completely. So I really put the effort in to cuddle/kiss more and have sex even, ashamedly, if I wasn’t really feeling it. However, once things get back on track I do seem to get complacent, he starts to feel rejected again and the whole cycle starts again.

I feel like recently our relationship has been the best it’s been since having our child. The affection is coming much more naturally to me, we always cuddle on the sofa in the evening and before falling asleep. I’ve even starting enjoying and wanting sex more regularly. However, this morning I’ve been blindsided with the silent treatment, and once again managed to eventually find out the reason is still
not enough affection.

So just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and managed to save their marriage? I feel like I’m really trying and it’s still not good enough. Or does it sound like this is a problem that’s just going to keep cropping up until one of us has had enough and leaves? I can’t stand the silent treatment/moodiness as I feel it’s really unfair on me. But he says there’s no point talking to me about it because he’s tried before and nothing changes.

Ugh, just any advice or thought on the situation is greatly appreciated!

Male perspective, it is possible to feel relationship lacks affection without it automatically meaning it lacks sex,it genuinely is the lack of anything like a kiss/ cuddle that hurts, surprising though it seems, some men want affection as well as sex

But OP has said she has made an effort with providing affection and more sex yet, he is still moaning about the lack of affection. So, how can she win?

I'm about 12 months ahead of you and almost ready for divorce. I also have other issues with my DH not just this though so your relationship may be salvageable with marriage counselling to improve communication (for him).
I've tried talking him round from the sulks, being more affectionate, etc. The problem with giving more affection was it was never enough. I was being more intimate but finding I was doing it because I had to rather than wanting to. Did I kiss him quickly enough when he came home from work, give him hugs enough times in the day, have sex when he (not me) wanted. These should be lovely affectionate moments but it became like I had to rather than wanting to. Then he kept asking for more. If I 'forgot' as I was in the middle of something like cooking the sulking would start and I'd get limited or no conversation for the next few days.
I got my own counselling, ready the Lundy Bancroft book (twice!) and paid for an hour with a solicitor to get ready for divorce. I picture walking into a home with no tension or walking on eggshells to get me through until I'm ready. It's taken a long time for me to get to this point.
If it's bad enough for you to post on here there may be other things you're starting to notice too. Keep reading Mumsnet threads about subtle coercive control, controlling behaviours etc

I do sympathise with you but men have a higher sexual drive than women. I think as much as you can try to meet his sexual needs. You really do not have to feel it to have it. Sometimes one just has to pretend to enjoy it to achieve a happier home. Aim for sex at least twice a week. You can even schedule it so he knows to help you out on those days so you are not overtired. As awful as it sounds it actually works.

Sometimes one just has to pretend to enjoy it to achieve a happier home.

FFS.

Donnotdusturb54 - In answer to your question, yes I’ve experienced this. When I met my ex he clearly saw that I was a cautious person (due to a variety of traumatising experiences within my own family which unfortunately shaped me this way) and he actually said he liked that we were taking things slow. It was about 4 months before I felt comfortable/safe/trusting enough to be physically intimate. Thereafter I naturally felt more affection for him and coaxed him to stop texting always and get on the phone more. I also asked for his shift rota so I would go to bed later on his night shifts in order to keep him company on his breaks at 10pm. I was excited to see him and responded with touch and affection back. So blow me down when he said he felt I wasn’t affectionate enough. Now interestingly this is nothing to do with sex as due to our work we met 1-2 times a week with breaks away occasionally and had sex every single time. It made me feel crappy and embarrassed as well since it just came out the blue and I felt it was undeserved. He also said when we weren’t together he felt I forgot all about him though we texted equally and spoke most evenings we weren’t together as well as the effort I made to stay up late despite having been up for work early and dying to be in bed at 9 but staying up especially for him. When I told him all this he would never reply. Anyway fast forward a year on and he would give me the silent treatment even if I had to go away the night for work or berate me for not calling him when I was away - despite the fact it was a heavy day and I did text him to which I’d get short messages back without the usual xs. I got to realising he has some so of complex and no matter how much attention I gave him it would never be enough and his pettyness I found to be a complete turn off. It disappointed me he didn’t value or notice even when pointed out all the things I did including making his favourite meals for him to take back after we met up, booking trips away, buying little items here and ther I thought he’d like. So anyway sorry for the ramble but I just don’t think men like this will change which is why I ended it between us.

any time he’s annoyed about something I’ve said or done I’m supposed to be a mind reader!
This system works for them as they don't have to come up with a reason why they are "punishing" you; they just wait and let you come up with a good one yourself. As your imagined reasons for your punishment are based on your own anxiety about yourself, it really hurts: you feel bad and try to appease them.
You can combat this partially by insisting that they tell you specifically why they are angry, in detail - e.g. "exactly how should I be more affectionate? In bed?"

Watch out, in any case, as sulkily blaming you is often the first sign of them working on their story about why the nasty lady made them go out drinking/have an affair/stop doing any housework.

I have a disabled child and like you at the end of the day I just want to go to sleep.
My husband and I have managed to keep up our sex life but stopping having sex at night.
We still have sex at least twice a week but at other times of the day.
I can't remember the last time we had sex in the evenings.
We now mainly do it on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
Previously it would be during the day when our son had a nap, or when my dad would take him out for a walk.
Also, when our son was at nursery and later school.
Some times if our son is watching TV we might go into the next room where we could still hear him.

It happened to me and it never got better, there was nothing I could do that would be enough...
I was always under pressure and it turned into a massive source of anxiety for me, and you can guess: I left - and gosh do I feel a thousand times better without that constant pressure on me!

My ex was like this. I lost sex drive right after my first child and struggled with intimacy for the remainder of our marriage. I always thought this was my problem, but looking back now I realized that it was not. I did not feel like having sex with him because I did not feel loved by him. I did, however, try really hard to have regular sex to keep him happy. It was really hard because sometimes I would get into it right away, but sometimes I would honestly feel like I was being raped. However, like @Blessedbethefruit9 said, making an effort made it often worse, because as soon as I would "give a little" he would expect more and if I would push back he would sulk. My ex was also using silent treatment on me, which totally crushed me.

I am not saying you should leave your husband, but I absolutely know that you not feeling like being intimate is a symptom of a bigger problem. You do not feel loved, respected, appreciated and your body is resenting him. Most definitely try to engage in couples therapy if he is willing. I am not saying that this would solve your problems, but it would be a chance for both of you to share your feelings and thoughts. I never got to that point with my ex because he flat out refused it, but I wish I had a chance to do that, as I have so much that I wanted but never got a chance to say to him.

Please love and prioritize yourself and remember you do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Hugs.❤️

This isn't about lack of affection or sex, he's just using it as an excuse for his shitty behaviour. It's manipulation.
Affection and sex life has improved - he still has moods; he has moods about other things, too. Read up on emotional abuse and I'm sure you'll recognise a whole load of behaviours that he's displaying.
As a PP said, you'll never win, never be able to satisfy him and stop these silent treatments. There'll always be something you're not doing right, his moods will always be your fault. You're walking on eggshells and that won't ever change.

I have tested nearly zero for testosterone but haven’t been offered anything to improve it. Did the doctor prescribe something? I’m desperate!

I assume this happens in parent child relationship too? It sounds an awful lot like how I was treated as a child. My Dad wouldn’t speak to me for days at a time including when when my Mum was ill in hospital for months. Then he’d talked to me through my sibling. Screwed me up terribly. I would try and dance through hoops to have his affection and not incur his wrath. I think it had a worse impact on me than living for the first decade of my life with a Mum with undiagnosed schizophrenia. Somehow it doesn’t help that he was a loving caring man just so damaged from abuse himself. I could never blame my parents. I honestly think they did the best they could. But I spent my whole childhood terrified and so alone.

Sorry for highjacking your post op. I do agree with what people are saying.

His silent treatment and stonewalling behaviour is abusive and nasty. Of course you don't want sex with him. It's also coercive, he's trying to make you agree to more sex whenever he wants it to avoid his bad moods and nastiness. This is so toxic.

He’s sulking for more sex. Dreadful. Not a good example of morality to your children and something that will have a cumulative effect on your mental health.

Nothing is more attractive in a man than sulking like a 3 year old!

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

So many women here are posting that this man is unreasonable, controlling, abusive etc.

OP, please be mindful that the standard advice on Mumsnet is for a woman to get rid of the bastard. As we are all are so perfect as women, wives and partners.

I posted about the book called 5 Languages of Love (spoiler alert: sex isn't one of them). My suggestion was short right down.

I think if you want to save your marriage (you did say you love your husband) you need to look at how to improve your relationship in general.

You can try marriage counselling. However, it's expensive and lots of men aren't keen to go. It's also not always effective, a lot depends on the counselor's skill.

I am going to recommend a few more books.

Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parson is a very good read.

Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It is also a very good read.

Both books are available from Amazon.

I am also posting a link to an excellent article from The Guardian from a registered sex therapist

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/10/sexual-desire-discrepancy-sdd-what-couples-partners-need-to-know-about-sex

I hope it helps

It's interesting the conversation is framed from a point of view that sex is the man's need only.
That is the crux of the problem in these cases...
Those with a healthy view of sex know it's a joint need, it's important to them as an individual and as a couple. It's clear sex for some isn't a priority. Hence the tension........

If this isn't resolved it's a one way ticket to unhappiness, divorce and the world of dating or external single parenthood ...

No woman should ever have sex to achieve a "happier home" or to meet a man's "sexual needs." I know many women who have higher sex drives than their partners, so that old trope is a patriarchal dictate, but it is that kind of thinking that puts women under pressure to perform sex for a partner and yes, it sounds "awful."

Excellent. Turn sex into a chore you do for him and let him use your body when you're not into it.

Brilliant way of making you go from not having much of a sex drive to disliking it and being repulsed by your partner.

Bloody hell, all the idiotic ignorant tropes trotted out in one post.

"men have a higher sexual drive than women."

No they bloody don't. On average, libidos are the same between the sexes. There are many women with high libidos, and a lot of men who are happy with once a year to never.

"I think as much as you can try to meet his sexual needs."

Rubbish, sex is NOT a need. No one died from not having sex.

"You really do not have to feel it to have it. Sometimes one just has to pretend to enjoy it to achieve a happier home.

At best, that's called unwanted consensual sex, and it can lead to women feeling raped over time. At worst, it is coercive rape. Your are openly encouraging women to relinquish their bodily autonomy so a guy can use them as a masturbatory tool.

And no decent man would want to have sex with an unwilling woman. How grotesque.

"You can even schedule it so he knows to help you out on those days so you are not overtired."

How about he does his share of the domestic and childcare labour ALL THE BLOODY TIME!

Jesus, this is advice from the 1950s, and absolutely horrible.

NO ONE OWES anyone sex! EVER!

What does he do to show affection to you that isn't sex related or leading to sex?

Giving you the silent treatment is childish and abusive.

It does sound absolutely awful and OP shouldn't follow your advice. Why should OP have sex that she doesn't want or enjoy just to stop a man from sulking and giving her the silent treatment?

Eternal not external....