Husband says I’m not affectionate enough

[DoNotDisturb54]

Feeling a bit rubbish today as I’m not sure whether my marriage can be saved. I love my husband dearly but we have a recurring issue where he says I’m not affectionate enough. It’s happened quite a few times over the past few years where he’s been moody/given me the silent treatment and I’ve managed to coax it out of him that he’s not happy with the lack of affection from me. He says it feels like we’re just roommates. I honestly think what he really means is we’re not having enough regular sex. We probably have sex on average every 2 weeks, sometimes more like 3 weeks on occasion. We have a young DD and I’ve seen a lot of mum’s with the same issue that their libido has dropped since having a child and they simply don’t feel like doing the deed after a long day of looking after children. I think the phrase is being ‘touched out.’ I’m so exhausted at the end of the day I just want to get into bed and sleep!

The first time he brought this up I was shocked, but I understood where he was coming from and realised I’d been so focused on our child I’d neglected dh and his needs completely. So I really put the effort in to cuddle/kiss more and have sex even, ashamedly, if I wasn’t really feeling it. However, once things get back on track I do seem to get complacent, he starts to feel rejected again and the whole cycle starts again.

I feel like recently our relationship has been the best it’s been since having our child. The affection is coming much more naturally to me, we always cuddle on the sofa in the evening and before falling asleep. I’ve even starting enjoying and wanting sex more regularly. However, this morning I’ve been blindsided with the silent treatment, and once again managed to eventually find out the reason is still
not enough affection.

So just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and managed to save their marriage? I feel like I’m really trying and it’s still not good enough. Or does it sound like this is a problem that’s just going to keep cropping up until one of us has had enough and leaves? I can’t stand the silent treatment/moodiness as I feel it’s really unfair on me. But he says there’s no point talking to me about it because he’s tried before and nothing changes.

Ugh, just any advice or thought on the situation is greatly appreciated!

Childcare and chores will make zero difference to the op's sex drive...
That narrative is bullshit.

Dp and I have 4 kids between us, major job roles, and we still and always have had regular sex. The equivalent of once per day...

Nonsense. It is being "framed" that way because that is the dynamic here. Stop trying to imply that the women on this thread don't understand a sex drive. I'm sure plenty of them have one. They are just trying to help the OP instead of, you know, pontificating about sex generally. Because they understand that this man's sex drive doesn't excuse his behaviour.

"If this isn't resolved it's a one way ticket to unhappiness, divorce and the world of dating or external single parenthood ..."

Oh God, no, not external (eternal?) single parenthood! A fate worse than death!

@OpenOliveCat that "narrative" is not bullshit at all. When someone feels that their partner is disregarding them and slacking off and not pulling their weight how are they supposed to want to fuck that person they're annoyed with and feel betrayed by? Sex is not divorced from emotion for many people, they can't desire someone they're pissed off with.

But we get it, you're so much sexier than all the other, frigid girls.

Disagree. If the bloke doesn't do his share at home and with the children, it causes resentment and feels disrespectful.

There's nothing sexy about those emotions or feeling like a unpaid housemaid and nanny whose life could be made easier by their partner, but isn't because he thinks he's the big man or is lazy.

Doing more housework to lift the burden isn't magically going to pay off with a leap in libido, but treating your partner with care respect and love gives you a better baseline. And allowing the woman headspace to not be muuuum and skivvy, but a woman is more likely to result in her having an interest in sex.

Well, he's annoyed with her. They are both annoyed with each other. However, it seems that a man and woman here only have sex when their partner has done the washing up or changed a nappy.😂

I'm sure women's Bumble profiles are full of requests for perfect house husbands to get the fanny gallops...

Me, I just like sex with DP... In fact I like sex...

Me, I just like sex with DP... In fact I like sex...

Presumably you're also not unhappy at home or resentful of your dp.

I've always enjoyed sex, whether it was before having children, during pregnancy, or after giving birth. My current partner is not the father of my children, but I have a strong sex drive, always have....
When I'm upset or stressed, whether it's related to him or not, sex serves as a way for me to release that tension.
If there's no tension, we just like having sex.. I speak to friends and the views are varied. Mumsnet views are always on the extremes of either end.
Dp thinks some just are either crap at the mechanics they're not in tune with their bodies sexually (Some don't even like their bodies) or have less desire to have sex in general.

Yuck! Despite your bragging about your sex life, you sound like something from the 1950s.

No one ever spouts this rapey bullshit to men.

If my partner didn't want sex and was forcing him- or herself to have it for me, I'd be nauseated, sickened to my stomach when I found out and I would feel guilty that I'd contributed to a situation where he/she felt that he/she had to do that. It would also be an instant turn-off.

Any man who isn't sickened and turned off by the knowledge that his wife is having sex that she doesn't want is only one small step from a rapist and isn't a suitable partner for any woman.

He's emotionally abusing her with sulking to coerce unwanted sex. It's way beyond marriage counseling.

When were you born.
1656 with a chastity belt.

Some of the responses to my comment have been really harsh. Honestly I was expecting it but the truth is sex is so key to marriage. It is a need and I think sex twice a month is not enough. Men are just not wired the way women are and you can be sure that if he cannot get it at home he will start looking for it outside. I know it's more complicated than how I am putting it and I am certainly not advocating for marital rape but just that sex be a priority. Please do not shout if you disagree. It is only my personal opinion and yes I could be wrong. This article here may help. Many couples have done the sex everyday challenge and it's been a game changer. I understand it may not be for everyone.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10587711/amp/Tracey-Cox-reveals-6-month-sex-challenge-GUARANTEES-transform-routine-sex-life.html

"So many women here are posting that this man is unreasonable, controlling, abusive etc."

Because he is! I have found that the standard advice on MN is to protect women from abusive partners. The OP is not claiming to be "perfect"; she is the victim of domestic abuse: silent treatment or stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse, and using it to coerce a partner to have sex is a form of rape. Reading self-help books is not going to fix a man who is fundamentally abusive. Therapy might, but if he won't talk to her openly, I doubt he's going to rock up and share with a stranger...

His feelings are valid. The silent treatment needs to stop, talk about turn a women off. How romantic is he? How much does he make you feel loved, desired or sexy? I think work on both sides could happen, not just your side.

I don't know where to begin with this drivel and linking to the Daily Mail doesn't prove your point. You may not be advocating for marital rape (which is a pretty low bar) but you are certainly telling woman that they should be having sex that they don't want to keep their husbands from seeking sex outside the marriage.

You also can't say that twice a month isn't enough. What about women who have just given birth or who are ill? Do they need to get a note from their GP saying that they are not fit to have sex, like they would need a sicknote for work?

I find your attitude quite sickening.

Are you in the UK? The only way to get testosterone in the UK is to say that you have no libido and it's affecting your relationship really badly - play it up of you need to (it's disgusting that the only way you'll get it is implying that your man isn't getting sex but needs must).
I got put on it accidentally (that's a whole other story) but they let me stay on it because I basically told the consultant that I was now swinging from the chandeliers every night (that wasn't an actual lie in the beginning 😁). But that's just a tiny part of my life that's improved.

Edited to say: if you are in the UK, I think I've read that as long as you have test results you can pay for it online through Superdrug.

You're quoting the Daily Mail? That bastion of unimpeachable scientific veracity, impartiality, honesty, and non-sexism?! 😂

How about you read up on actual scientific studies that point to how destructive unwanted sexual contact can be. Here's one:

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2016.1154142

And here's a less scienc-y one that spells out the moral necessity of true consent

https://law.unimelb.edu.au/news/archive/consensual-but-not-mutually-desirable-how-unwanted-sex-can-harm-womens-equality

Also, other than rapey creeps, who on Earth would want to have sex with someone who doesn't want it?

@Dhokotera as awful as it sounds it actually works? Meanwhile you may as well flush your fucking soul down the toilet while you're cleaning it. Jesus Christ alive.

We are not having sex we do not want. We do not have to lie back and think of England any more, because we can now get credit cards, mortgages and we are allowed to vote and, own property.

OP You've said our communication is shit, start there. Karen Gurney has a book called How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex LIfe. If he can take some advice and quit the passive aggressive sulking, that might help. If he can't then you're on a hiding to nowhere unfortuntately and it's ok to be really clear and honest about that. Nobody ever stonewalled anyone so hard that they whipped their knickers off with delight.

You’ve met my husband. There’s just way too many of this kind of man around. It’s weird.

Do you ever tackle him when he is doing the silent treatment and I don’t mean ‘oh dear darling have I annoyed you?’
More -in a raised voice, what’s wrong now ? Why are you in a mood again , it’s like living with a teenager.
Could shake him out of it and produce a reasoned discussion. It’s too annoying imv to let it go. DH used to do it.

You expect us to take relationship advice from a porn star? Erm, no.

Sex every day isn't possible for me. I get cystitis if I don't get a day off, and sometimes even if I do get a day off.

I would feel sick if I found out that a partner was gritting her teeth and bearing it to have sex with me. There's something wrong with any man who doesn't feel likewise.

Also, other than rapey creeps, who on Earth would want to have sex with someone who doesn't want it?

Thank you for articulating what I am struggling to.

How much parenting and housework does he do? Does he pull his weight?

Giving you the silent treatment is abusive, and is not likely to make you want sex. Has he considered that?

Why can't he use his words like an actual adult?

@Dhokotera

Men are just not wired the way women are

No. This is just a lingering falsehood that is in the same camp as Blue Balls.

Many men are not wired to feel that they NEED to have sex with a woman a prescribed amount of times a week, or to feel that they are owed that sex (because this is what is at the root of this sulking) regardless of the way the woman feels about it, and will use moodiness and other unhealthy behaviour if they do not get it to pressure her into it.

Some men are wired like this. These men are to be avoided, these are the ones I actively choose not to have sex with, not do a Daily Mail Bonkbuster Challenge to see if I can put a spring in his step as he leaves for work, so he'll be you know, just a bit nicer to be around for me and the kids.

Fuck That. We are not doing that any more.

And this is not me shouting. This is me disagreeing with you. There's a difference.

want the issue fix? Simple,

1. kiss him a lot,
2. dress up for him,
3. have sex 3-5 times a week.