Husbands anxiety is destroying our marriage

[Valentine259]

I'm hoping someone can offer some helpful words of advice please. I've been married for 25 years and the last two years have been totally awful. My husband developed rosacea and I think had a bit of a breakdown at the start of this episode. He's retired and at the start of this, would not leave the house. He became depressed and anxious, and anxiety plays a big part in his skin where it becomes hot and sore during the evenings. During the daytime it's not so bad, but he still goes out rarely, only when really needed and has not been to any social/family events in this whole time. I still work, have good friends and go out a lot (mainly because I am starting to feel awkward and sad at home). He has made our house his safe place, but also a prison. He is very restless at night and needs to sleep, so I sleep in the lounge. He has seen various dermatologists and therapists who all suggest he needs to go out and exercise, but he still won't, due to his fear that daylight will make his skin condition worse (not true). We are living totally separate lives ... I lurch between trying to cajole him to come out, even for a coffee, but he won't as he says he's too anxious, to deciding he needs to get on with it himself as I can't help him. The thing is, he said I should just carry on as normal, go out and live "my best life" and he will "catch up" when he's ready ... is this possible? He's a totally different person than he was even 2 years ago, I hardly recognise him .. Will the "old" him ever return? Its got to a point where I now have a doctors appointment to ask for anti-depressants as I'm struggling now myself. Has anyone else been through similar and what did you do? One minute I want to separate, but I feel I need to give him more time for him to get better, but I fear this could go on indefinitely. Thank you for reading x

I'm sorry you have had acne and as with all skin conditions, I can see what effects it can have.

I've just asked him and he said "both" to physical discomfort and the way he looks. As an outsider, I would say physical discomfort as in exceptional circumstances as in excessive stress, his face doesn't look a lot different and certainly not abnormal, but he is obviously very self conscious and feels the need to hide away, which feels so sad as he should be able to lead a happy life and not virtually housebound.

Thank your perspective and I hope you are okay now

When he says physical discomfort, rosacea can cause burning, itching, stinging, and in my case my skin often felt like it was crawling, which in fact it was. And this can then affect how you feel in general. There's a Facebook group called Rosacea Sufferers UK which would give you both a really good insight into other sufferers and what has helped them. Unfortunately it's not one size fits all, everyone has different reactions to different creams and treatments so it is worth persevering to try and find something.

I think this is where " in sickness and in health" doesn't really cover it.
You can't force someone to take responsibility for themself. It's like the codependency saying has it "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it"
All you can control is your own actions.
It's fine to leave a relationship if it's no longer working for you.

Have you thought of hypnotherapy?

Thank you, I will look that up on Facebook. Soolantra has been mentioned and is a possibility if the things he is trying don't work. It is a complete minefield though!

Today was a bit of progress as we did actually go out and he felt better for it. I'm happy to support if he meets me half way, but it's been a struggle as it's become his entire life. But nobody knows what tomorrow holds and yes, we can only control our own actions

Yes, his last therapist specialised in hypnotherapy, but he was always too stressed, so it wasn't very effective, unfortunately

I really really hope he will get better soon.

I think unfortunately the emotional healing might not come until after his skin has calmed down, so I'd prioritise getting him help however he can.

And thank you, yes I'm ok thank you. I still have scaring and my confidence never 100% recovered but I'm ok.

Thank you ... and I'm glad you are okay and have got through the worst x

Hi, I own a lavender farm and one of the moisturiser/balms we make is made with an essential oil from very specific variety of lavender which has been involved in research for wound management . One of our testers reported that it calmed what she described as stress skin patches. I am not making any medical claims for it, just reporting what she said. I am not trying to market my products here and I’ll name change after this as owning a lavender farm is too identifying. If you want to Pm me I will tell you what the specific essential oil is and what the product is or just the essential oil so that you can look for products that contain it yourself.

He's currently on mirtazapine, nortripyline (pain relief) and carvedilol (beta blocker) and uses Natural Elements Hypoallergenic Moisturiser and washes with E45 foaming face wash.

So nothing actually for rosacea? Do I get this right - he saw a doctor who thought it’s all psychosomatic and prescribed treatment for his mental health only? It’s been 2 years and you are both utterly miserable but at no point has the rosacea been addressed on its own?
He’s tried hypnotherapy but not…. a cream for the actual skin problem?

Sorry, accidental double post.

I'm with @GooseClues
Honestly if you're going to try one thing, try the Soolantra. It might just be life changing, it was for me

Here you go, this is me during a flare up. Soolantra completely cleared all the lumps and bumps and now I am just left with some redness. If I have a flare up I just apply for a few weeks and its gone again.

This has been going on for years - you said he retired prior to Covid and never got the p/t job he said he would. Rosacea for last two years. I'm concerned that you're sleeping on the sofa, he knows his behaviour hurts you but he says this adds to his own guilt. So you're not allowed to express your feelings to protect him? Does he care about you?

Referral to dermatologist as a matter of urgency. You can buy Soolantra in Superdrug as far as I know.

He says the beta blockers are to reduce the flushing, but he hasn't had any products to put on his face directly, no. I have said that many people have recommended Soolantra, so that is an option for him, but he's got a few options from the dermatologist first and I would like to think he will try Soolantra as it has been recommended on here so many times.

Thank you and thank you for the photos. I'm so glad it worked. I've recommended it to him and will keep recommending it if the course of treatment he is on don't work.

Thank you, he's seen a dermatologist privately and I have said that Soolantra is a game changer for a lot of people, so he knows it's available and an option.

Sounds like he needs to pursue anxiety medication. This might be a huge help. He obviously needs to exercise too. He needs to help himself.

I'm really sorry OP, you sound like you are experiencing a common carer/spouse effect of becoming depressed yourself, because if the effects of someone else's depression.

So out the oxygen mask on first. Stop the sleeping in the lounge immediately. That's no way to live. You need your space and an enjoyable relaxing bedtime experience again, a place to relax. You're back in a bedroom (guest room? Or he gets the lounge now?).

Tell him it is breaking you and he has to pursue an anxiety diagnosis and medication, else you can just no longer live like this without becoming depressed yourself. That he also has to start exercising (also by the way he can exercise indoors cant he, if currently he's saying he won't go outdoors?!).

Then do whatever you can to enjoy life, don't make any major decisions in this exact moment, take it day by day but find as much joy as you can...out for coffee, new hobbies, everything.

He can try a good dietitian experienced in allergies, intolerances and the RPAH elimination diet.

https://www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/factsheets-by-symptom/acne-and-rosacea

I think he does care, but being so wrapped up in this, he is probably on survival mode and can only really look after himself. If and when he gets over this and acts the same towards me, then I guess I will have an answer. I always thought retiring early with nothing was a bad idea, but he said he was happy - I am now the same age he was when he retired and I could think of nothing worse!

I was diagnosed with rosacea many years ago - told there no cure etc. when I did a search everything led to cold sores on the skin - do some research they do look like cold sores - I used a cold sore cream and it went on 3 days. Worth a try.

Thank you, I've been away for a few days which has helped.

I have decided to, as you say, take one day at a time. I know he is going to get anxious in the evening and be flushed, but I think me trying to find a solution is not helping. I have suggested, for the time being, that I distance myself and it is not our main topic of conversation. He intends to pursue more specialist psychiatric help and I have relayed everyone's suggestions, especially Soolantra, and it is now his choice where he goes with this.

I am going out with family, friends and still working. I have said when I am going out where he is welcome to come too, and have left it at that. I can not be his saviour, nor does he want me to be.

I feel a lot more positive, like a weight has been lifted. Thank you and to everyone here on this board, the advice and kind words have been very much appreciated xx