Husbands anxiety is destroying our marriage

[Valentine259]

I'm hoping someone can offer some helpful words of advice please. I've been married for 25 years and the last two years have been totally awful. My husband developed rosacea and I think had a bit of a breakdown at the start of this episode. He's retired and at the start of this, would not leave the house. He became depressed and anxious, and anxiety plays a big part in his skin where it becomes hot and sore during the evenings. During the daytime it's not so bad, but he still goes out rarely, only when really needed and has not been to any social/family events in this whole time. I still work, have good friends and go out a lot (mainly because I am starting to feel awkward and sad at home). He has made our house his safe place, but also a prison. He is very restless at night and needs to sleep, so I sleep in the lounge. He has seen various dermatologists and therapists who all suggest he needs to go out and exercise, but he still won't, due to his fear that daylight will make his skin condition worse (not true). We are living totally separate lives ... I lurch between trying to cajole him to come out, even for a coffee, but he won't as he says he's too anxious, to deciding he needs to get on with it himself as I can't help him. The thing is, he said I should just carry on as normal, go out and live "my best life" and he will "catch up" when he's ready ... is this possible? He's a totally different person than he was even 2 years ago, I hardly recognise him .. Will the "old" him ever return? Its got to a point where I now have a doctors appointment to ask for anti-depressants as I'm struggling now myself. Has anyone else been through similar and what did you do? One minute I want to separate, but I feel I need to give him more time for him to get better, but I fear this could go on indefinitely. Thank you for reading x

Could he be Autistic?

My senses are going off again. My senses are heightened btw so when any arsehole on here wets their pants over the suggestion, tell me what's the harm thinking about the possibility? I will wait on that ...

Back to OP; the language you use to describe things regards him is setting this sense off for me that he may be ND.

He's on medication already and that's not helping. The minute you said the therapy wasn't appealing to him in the past - that's the first flag setting my senses off for me. Being ND and having someone CBT through my very alien to you life.....well that wouldn't work for me either thanks. I'd think,fuck your shit therapy. ( I've had years of amazing therapy, I don't like CBT! It's not actually right for many people).

How much can you do to fix all this and can you be bothered? It's alot for you. He's giving you the light to get on with things for yourself so I find it hard to feel annoyed at him. Instead, I find the situation just sad for you both.

If he sat in front of a therapist that really clicked for him, that was NOT a CBT therapist but just humanist approach with excellent experience of people who are Neurodivergent. Well I think that would be very different for him.

I'd also be thinking about what other meds might be worth trying. Mertazipane can make people fat and sleepy. Amitriptyline is also sedating. I tried both and no way could I cope on those drugs.

SSRI drugs, yes they were better. My own ND teen has just been prescribed fluoxitene.

He needs to see the right people here, but if that's too much for you, this is understandable. You aren't his mum. Just do what feels right for you. x

Rosacea is redness isn't it . Could he wear concealer ?

It did go through my mind he may be ND a while back ... very routine driven, happy in his own company, not great in social situations. I'm close to his sister, who has been absolutely brilliant with us both throughout this, so I will have a talk with her first, but it would answer a lot of questions - thank you 🙂. I will suggest alternative medications too.

Yes, I can't be annoyed in that he's okay with me doing my own thing, and I can enjoy myself in the right environment/ company but feel sad and frustrated at the life he is living and at the state of our relationship. I would swap all the going out for a happy marriage.

Thank you for the kind words and things to think on x

Yes, it can be redness in patches or flushing like blushing. He wears concealer ... his morning routine usually takes an hour and a quarter with careful washing, moisturiser - and concealer to make him feel better, which makes sense, but less so when he hardly ever goes out and doesn't really see anyone!

I just had a quick check online about rosacea. It looks like they think it is an autoimmune response.

Being ND is linked to heightened risk of weird immune stuff. I'm not ND, my child is, I am a walking autoimmune mess however. Problems with mast cell reactions are also linked to being ND. There is limited information online but it's there.

A good daily antihistamine is definitely worth a try. I have to daily.

You deserve to tend to yourself and your needs and it might be that he has to sort all this himself and you do what you need for you. ❤️

What started all this off in him?. Did this coincide with his retirement; how was he prior to retiring?. Does he express any desire to return to work?.

It may well be he is not neurodiverse.

His rosecea needs to be treated by a specialist and it needs more than just creams. It can and does have a terrible effect on self esteem and confidence. Tablets and laser treatment in addition to creams should be used. Ideally he needs to see a specialist like Dr Emma Craythorne; she is an excellent consultant dermatologist. Pay to see someone of this ilk. What he is trying at the moment is not working all that well and it's certainly having an effect on his day to day life as is yours.

You certainly do need to look after yourself too; put your own life vest on before trying to save others.

I'm glad I posted tonight, people have been lovely and given me a new way of thinking. I'll do some research in the morning and look into antihistamines too.

We all deserve to be happy, life is short, so I'm trying to grab every good opportunity that comes my way. I hope he can do the same soon too.

Thank you for your lovely words x

I've seen this play out with another retired couple. His health anxiety has become horrendous and debilitating. It dominates their lives. He used to travel the world and had a successful career but is now reduced to pacing the house and fixating. He's ruined his own life and his wifes. Awful to witness. He's had to be dragged to the GP and therapists but nothing has really improved as he's mired in his own world and won't really engage with help. She has considered leaving him repeatedly and is hanging on by a thread. It's so sad, as you know he's still in there somewhere but he's just consumed by it all now.

Why are YOU sleeping on the sofa? Sorry to be blunt, but fuck that. If he really, really does feel guilty about how his anxiety is affecting you, let him sleep on the fucking sofa.

I went through a long spell with a depressed partner. We came through it, but it was tough, and to be honest, were history to repeat, I’m not sure I could do it again. You can help someone who’s sinking, but if they can’t don’t or won’t come back to the surface, you need to let go before you get dragged down past the point of no return.

And I have to say, at no point, even at the worst of it, did DP once suggest I should sleep on a fucking sofa. Sorry OP, but I really think you deserve better, and I’m not sure you’ll get that from your DH.

Right so! Name changed for this as v outing but I really relate.

I suddenly developed rosacea 5 years ago. Id always had anxiety but it has made my mental health terrible. With rosacea you are told EVERYTHING is a trigger and because it's so painful and sore and visible you avoid everything that makes it flare and your world becomes really small. Unfortunately then it becomes a vicious circle and your skin flares as you're anxious and then you're anxious about your skin.

Can I ask if your DH has any trauma or unusually stressful situations in his past? I had v unhappy childhood and think the stress of holding it together as an adult has come out in my skin. Good therapy is everything for this. If anything here resonantes I really recommend EMDR as it reprocesses negative experiences and thoughts and really can break the cycle and change how you feel about your skin which in itself will improve as the nervous system relaxes.

Also from a dermatology pov what has he tried? Topically soolantra works really well for people also good results from azaleic acid. A course of antibiotics can help clear the skin and helps topicals to work. There's loads of good info online, I recommend Talonted Lex. There will be stuff out there that helps but you can fall into a hole trying to find answers to cure it when sometimes just relaxing and having a glass of wine and a walk in the sun is more beneficial.

To conceal Eborian and Roselique work for people as a moisturizer with SPF and coverage. Lots of men use them.

Ultimately it can honestly feel so shit but he needs to get out there and live his life as this will help in the long run. Sorry it's impacting you and all good luck xx

Daft question maybe but has he tried all the kinds of metronidazole preparation?
I find the rosex gel works fine whereas other creams and gels don't, and if I hadn't been given the rosex gel first, I wouldn't have thought metronidazole worked at all.

I have so many other things wrong with me that the rosacea doesn't bother me that much. I don't like the pustules but luckily the gel sorts that out.

Why don't people want to help themselves? I struggle to understand this.

As regards rosacea, has he had treatment for the skin mites and bacteria which can cause it? It's amazing how many doctors don't even think of it.
https://www.rosacea.org/patients/causes-of-rosacea/demodex-mites-and-microbes

As someone who had a mentally unwell husband (not retired) I have a couple of suggestions:
Try to detach a bit. Maybe he will come back to the man he was before or maybe not. But it will be his decision.
Stop sleeping on the sofa. He can sleep there. It’s your turn to sleep in a bed. Tell him that you trust him to find a resolution to the sleeping problem that will work well and let him get on with it.
Do 1-2 nice things for yourself each day. Just for the pleasure of it. For me it was a bunch of flowers or a bar of chocolate, a fun chat with a friend or a new book. Write a list and do/use them.

I totally understand about the anti depressants for you. It’s very common for depression to be kind of 'catching‘ try them if you need them. I had to take sleeping tablets.
Get a gardeners to come get the garden to a manageable state. It will take pressure off you.

what really helped me was little breaks away from- holidays or overnights with a good friend or family member. Maybe his sister?

Lastly in my experience men like this with depression and anxiety they need their confidence built up and to feel capable. Tell him you trust him to make good decisions. About anything you ask him to do. Maybe you don’t. But he did in the past and hopefully he will again. Men need to feel capable and trusted and depression and anxiety eats away at that.
I totally understand your point about the waste of time. I felt exactly the same.

The sleeping situation began because he wasn't sleeping well at the beginning and we are both light sleepers, so at the beginning it seemed like a reasonable solution. It was only ever meant to be temporary. However, I can't keep putting his needs above my own so have stated I want my bed back and he's agreed (not exactly willingly, but has agreed)

Has Soolantra not worked on his skin?

Also Lumecca IPL will help for certain

Also he should take anti-histamines as they will also help

Hello and I'm so sorry you are suffering too.

Yes, it's definitely a vicious cycle. He even went to a nutritionist and radically changed his diet, but that didn't help much either.

He hasn't really had any trauma and can only really relate it back to a few comments about his skin and spots when he was a child which seemed to have stayed in his subconscious and come to the fore now.

He has seen a specialist who has recommended tablets, which he is trying. I have relayed all your suggestions which he can go to if the tablets fail to help.

And yes, getting out there and living life would be an ultimate goal. I hope you are okay and keeping it under control and having a good life, and thank you x

Maybe taking away his comforts, and giving him sofa to sleep on, will make him realise he really needs to sort himself out. Tough love type thing.

He doesn't want to sleep on the sofa? You've done it long enough - now it's his turn.

He's been diagnosed with neurogenic rosacea, which makes sense with the symptoms. It never did look like the rosacea that I had seen in photos, more like blushing or a hot flush, so hopefully with the right treatment it will improve, fingers crossed x

I think the rosesca is a red Herring here.
It's a crutch on which he rests his anxiety and agoraphobia.
He may well have managed his anxiety etc before because going to work was a must, a structure etc. once he lost that he was at the mercy of underlying mental illness.
I have had severe rosesca...and it's triggered by sun , alcohol and stress.
I am also allergic to most sunscreen but by trial and error and following dermatologist advice I use le roche posay who do a specific brand for rosesca. Use it every day.
I have taken lynecycline for 11 yrs which is well over recommended time scale and recently switched to soolantra which is some kind of miracle cream !
But the reason I'm saying all this is...you have to stick to any of these things for 3 months plus and reduce your triggers as much as you can. I won't hide from sunlight so had to find a product that worked and accepted some redness and spots.
His routing of washing and moisturizer and concealer may be making it worse as well...the advice is usually limit products...just was in water, no other products except sunscreen.
So it's interesting he's been to all the dermatologists etc.m.i bet he's been told all this and doesn't do it because the rosesca is a handy excuse from facing up to dealing with the real issues.
After two yrs and the huge impact on you OP...why is he not on the phone getting an appointment with the psychiatrist? What is he not asking for therapy and sticking to a treatment plan ?
I'd be very frustrated if I was you and considering just getting in with my own life

I was also told mine was neurogenic but Soolantra has made world of difference

He's not tried Soolantra yet, but antihistamines and IPL weren't much use. But Soolantra has been mentioned before, so another option which is good.

I've put this to him and he's noted it down as an option. There seems to be so many products available - he could open a branch of Boots from our house! I'm sorry you have this and by the sounds of it, other health issues, I hope you are okay x

That's really good to know, thank you 😊

He's done all sorts of research and tried every product known to man, but the anxiety is the key. He had a therapist, but hes not sure she was right for him and nor am I ... he needs someone who will set him goals (that he will do more than once) and build on, but ultimately he needs to face his fears to reach any progress.
Getting the right therapist is the most important thing about therapy. You have to trust them and feel comfortable with them and the method - though to be honest, for me, the person was much more important than the method. When I was looking for a therapist, I looked up their photos online and chose one I thought looked nice. Maybe I had great judgement from a photo, maybe I convinced myself she was right because I'd seen her photo and chosen her; who knows, but it worked for me.

He knows how it's affecting me, but he says that only makes him feels worse, dealing with guilt.
Frankly, he should feel guilty, and he should feel worse feeling guilty. It might be the final kick in the arse that drives him to take steps. I speak as someone who needed a kick in the arse. I wasn't happy about it at the time, but I am now.

Be kind, but make sure you're not enabling him to avoid help.