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Original poster

Husbands anxiety is destroying our marriage

101 replies

Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:00

I'm hoping someone can offer some helpful words of advice please. I've been married for 25 years and the last two years have been totally awful. My husband developed rosacea and I think had a bit of a breakdown at the start of this episode. He's retired and at the start of this, would not leave the house. He became depressed and anxious, and anxiety plays a big part in his skin where it becomes hot and sore during the evenings. During the daytime it's not so bad, but he still goes out rarely, only when really needed and has not been to any social/family events in this whole time. I still work, have good friends and go out a lot (mainly because I am starting to feel awkward and sad at home). He has made our house his safe place, but also a prison. He is very restless at night and needs to sleep, so I sleep in the lounge. He has seen various dermatologists and therapists who all suggest he needs to go out and exercise, but he still won't, due to his fear that daylight will make his skin condition worse (not true). We are living totally separate lives ... I lurch between trying to cajole him to come out, even for a coffee, but he won't as he says he's too anxious, to deciding he needs to get on with it himself as I can't help him. The thing is, he said I should just carry on as normal, go out and live "my best life" and he will "catch up" when he's ready ... is this possible? He's a totally different person than he was even 2 years ago, I hardly recognise him .. Will the "old" him ever return? Its got to a point where I now have a doctors appointment to ask for anti-depressants as I'm struggling now myself. Has anyone else been through similar and what did you do? One minute I want to separate, but I feel I need to give him more time for him to get better, but I fear this could go on indefinitely. Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 09/03/2025 18:06

That does sound very difficult.

I don't think i'd be looking to split to be honest. I'd encourage him to take ownership of his problems but for the rest of it, I'd just try to build a little life for myself outside of the house, make friends, join clubs and groups etc etc. It is possible, just chip away at it.

Do you have any support around you? Anyone you can confide in/let off steam to?

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:17

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 09/03/2025 18:06

That does sound very difficult.

I don't think i'd be looking to split to be honest. I'd encourage him to take ownership of his problems but for the rest of it, I'd just try to build a little life for myself outside of the house, make friends, join clubs and groups etc etc. It is possible, just chip away at it.

Do you have any support around you? Anyone you can confide in/let off steam to?

Thank you, yes he is doing what he feels he is able to, but it's so little ... he has no joy in his life, its so sad to see. He is looking at psychiatric help, so I know he is trying to make steps, but they are really baby steps.

I have a good support network, family, work, friends and even his family ... they still do social events, but only me and our adult children go, he stays at home.

I am praying this is just a difficult time, but feel scared that this is forever (although no one can look into the future)

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 09/03/2025 18:20

It sounds like he's suffering from anxiety and the more he avoids things, the worse it gets. Exposure therapy might be helpful alongside CBT. If he's worried about the sun he could wear a sunscreen and hat.

He seems to be encouraging you to go about your life as usual and he'll hopefully work on things. I'm not sure why you need antidepressants.

RightOnTheEdge · 09/03/2025 18:20

It's been two years now and he won't do anything to help himself.
Now he's causing you to need anti depressants and you can't even sleep in your own bed.

What does he say about the effect this is all having on you? I know it's easy to say ltb but you need to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this. He's dragging you down with him.

Sportacus17 · 09/03/2025 18:20

has he considered IPL?

RightOnTheEdge · 09/03/2025 18:24

He is looking at psychiatric help, so I know he is trying to make steps, but they are really baby steps.

I cross posted with your last post. I hope he goes through with getting help.
**

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:29

Maitri108 · 09/03/2025 18:20

It sounds like he's suffering from anxiety and the more he avoids things, the worse it gets. Exposure therapy might be helpful alongside CBT. If he's worried about the sun he could wear a sunscreen and hat.

He seems to be encouraging you to go about your life as usual and he'll hopefully work on things. I'm not sure why you need antidepressants.

He definitely has anxiety and has anxiety over being outside and the effect it has on his skin ... sunscreen irritates his skin and he wears a hat and sunglasses but feels self conscious, so tries to avoid going out. I'm hoping he will do CBT through a psychiatrist.

I feel I need anti-depressants as I feel I'm being dragged down ... I can distract myself with outside things, but I still feel tearful a lot of the time, especially at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:31

Sportacus17 · 09/03/2025 18:20

has he considered IPL?

Yes, he's tried IPL and another sort of laser treatment, but none have really worked long term. He needs to get the anxiety under control as its a vicious circle, unfortunately

OP posts:
scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 18:34

Can he go out in the evening or, even better, very early in the morning, shortly after sunrise?

Early morning exercise is evidenced as the most beneficial.

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:46

scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 18:34

Can he go out in the evening or, even better, very early in the morning, shortly after sunrise?

Early morning exercise is evidenced as the most beneficial.

During the spring and autumn he was going for short 20 minute walks in the evening, usually when it was dusk, but during the summer and especially the winter, it's too extreme. I've just asked about first thing in the morning and he said "No, I'd rather go out in the evening". I'm hoping he will go out more now its nearly spring, but it's such a long time to stay in ... it would drive me mad!

OP posts:
Ribenaberry12 · 09/03/2025 18:47

Can he talk about the anxiety specifically? Like, is he worried that being outside will make his condition worse? Or that people might stare at him? Or that he might be in pain whilst out and would find that hard to deal with? Or a combination of lots of things. I wonder what he says his biggest worry is and maybe go from there. It sounds like CBT would definitely be a help.

For what it’s worth, I used to work with a lady with rosacea and, after an initially bad time she did pull herself up and out. She’d only recently retired and went on to volunteer in a charity shop, feeling needed really helped her and it was lovely to pop in every now and then and see her back to her old self. I hope your husband gets through it. X

scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 18:47

Can he go into the garden? Does he perhaps have agoraphobia?

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 18:57

Ribenaberry12 · 09/03/2025 18:47

Can he talk about the anxiety specifically? Like, is he worried that being outside will make his condition worse? Or that people might stare at him? Or that he might be in pain whilst out and would find that hard to deal with? Or a combination of lots of things. I wonder what he says his biggest worry is and maybe go from there. It sounds like CBT would definitely be a help.

For what it’s worth, I used to work with a lady with rosacea and, after an initially bad time she did pull herself up and out. She’d only recently retired and went on to volunteer in a charity shop, feeling needed really helped her and it was lovely to pop in every now and then and see her back to her old self. I hope your husband gets through it. X

Exactly all of the questions you asked ... all of them scare him and brings on the anxiety. I think CBT would help ... he needs someone to convince him that being outside, seeing nature and hearing the birds would do wonders for his mental heath.

I'm so pleased for the lady you worked with. Feeling needed and part of society is so important. My husband has so much knowledge and experience and its wasted watching daytime TV! I'm so glad to hear of a success story x

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 19:01

scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 18:47

Can he go into the garden? Does he perhaps have agoraphobia?

The garden is a mess, so we do need to get out there and deal with it ... I don't really like gardening, but have suggested we work together to make it nice. I have asked him if he has aggrophobia and he says no, but he definitely gets anxious out of the house and always needs to get back as soon as he can

OP posts:
MellersSmellers · 09/03/2025 19:06

That sounds awful and I admire your loyalty, but you must look after yourself as well.
I'm sure you're researched, but there are roasacea formulations that include SPF and even pigment to mask it. Ironically anxiety makes roasacea worse so as you know he needs to break the cycle.
He needs to seek therapy.
You both need to talk so that you can tell him how all of this is making you feel. It may be the prompt he needs to start taking some positive action.

babyproblems · 09/03/2025 19:10

I mean I’d be stopping sleeping in the lounge and finding a way you can have a bedroom, just for you if needed. Stop sleeping in the lounge that’s ridiculous and not good for your well being long term.

He clearly needs help for the anxiety. It’s actually making his skin condition worse and he is taking the opposite steps to what is required. Two years is a long time to ‘exist’ or be really miserable. He needs to make some positive changes; I’d be insisting he seeks treatment for his anxiety and tried some counselling or CBT. Best of luck to you xx

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 19:22

MellersSmellers · 09/03/2025 19:06

That sounds awful and I admire your loyalty, but you must look after yourself as well.
I'm sure you're researched, but there are roasacea formulations that include SPF and even pigment to mask it. Ironically anxiety makes roasacea worse so as you know he needs to break the cycle.
He needs to seek therapy.
You both need to talk so that you can tell him how all of this is making you feel. It may be the prompt he needs to start taking some positive action.

Thank you, I am just keeping my head above water, although it's hard, but work, friends and family have been a great support.

He's done all sorts of research and tried every product known to man, but the anxiety is the key. He had a therapist, but hes not sure she was right for him and nor am I ... he needs someone who will set him goals (that he will do more than once) and build on, but ultimately he needs to face his fears to reach any progress.

He knows how it's affecting me, but he says that only makes him feels worse, dealing with guilt. It's sad - we should be doing so much together now the kids are older, I feel like I'm grieving for what I thought it would be like, and for a life I see a lot of my friends having. I am just hoping this is isn't forever, but then again, nobody is guaranteed tomorrow

OP posts:
scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 19:27

Does he have medication for anxiety? It could work wonders and also make him more open and available for therapy. He sounds like he is putting up obstacles if he won't try early morning walks etc. Medication would help with this.

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 19:30

babyproblems · 09/03/2025 19:10

I mean I’d be stopping sleeping in the lounge and finding a way you can have a bedroom, just for you if needed. Stop sleeping in the lounge that’s ridiculous and not good for your well being long term.

He clearly needs help for the anxiety. It’s actually making his skin condition worse and he is taking the opposite steps to what is required. Two years is a long time to ‘exist’ or be really miserable. He needs to make some positive changes; I’d be insisting he seeks treatment for his anxiety and tried some counselling or CBT. Best of luck to you xx

I know it's really not ideal. Our house is small, but we are looking at ways to make more space so I (or he) can have a room.

He is trying, but seems to get to a point where stops progressing. He is seeking new help, and CBT seems a way forward, but ultimately he has to make the choice to move forward and conquer his fears x

OP posts:
Never2many · 09/03/2025 19:32

Well for starters he needs to move to the lounge so you can sleep in your own bed.

It sounds like he’s only paying lip service to doing something and isn’t interested in helping himself.

So he speaks to this one and that one which apparently isn’t right for him. He’s never going to find someone who is right for him because he doesn’t want to be helped.

And now he’s dragging you down with him to the extent that you’re on antideprescents.

And all this encouraging you to go out and live your life and “he’ll catch up when he’s ready,” sorry but that kind of martyr behaviour would rapidly wear thin.

Personally I would be rethinking the relationship at this point. His issues are his, and you don’t deserve to be a victim of them. But I appreciate that you’ve had a fairly long marriage as you have adult children so separating may not be something you want to consider.

You need to stop pandering to him though and put your foot down about him seeking proper help, and I would do that and tell him that leaving because of it is something you’ve considered.

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 19:39

scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 19:27

Does he have medication for anxiety? It could work wonders and also make him more open and available for therapy. He sounds like he is putting up obstacles if he won't try early morning walks etc. Medication would help with this.

Yes, he's on mirtazapine and amitriptyline. He's very rigid in his way of thinking and ruled by his own routine, it's totally overwhelmed him and changed his personality completely, at times its like living with a stranger

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 09/03/2025 19:44

Tricky one because it sounds like he is very unwell.

I think if this were me, I’d want him to be doing everything he possibly could to get well again. So working with the GP to get the correct medication, speaking to a therapist weekly. Communicating with you about how he is regularly etc.

Do you think that he could be doing more to get well again?

Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 19:53

Never2many · 09/03/2025 19:32

Well for starters he needs to move to the lounge so you can sleep in your own bed.

It sounds like he’s only paying lip service to doing something and isn’t interested in helping himself.

So he speaks to this one and that one which apparently isn’t right for him. He’s never going to find someone who is right for him because he doesn’t want to be helped.

And now he’s dragging you down with him to the extent that you’re on antideprescents.

And all this encouraging you to go out and live your life and “he’ll catch up when he’s ready,” sorry but that kind of martyr behaviour would rapidly wear thin.

Personally I would be rethinking the relationship at this point. His issues are his, and you don’t deserve to be a victim of them. But I appreciate that you’ve had a fairly long marriage as you have adult children so separating may not be something you want to consider.

You need to stop pandering to him though and put your foot down about him seeking proper help, and I would do that and tell him that leaving because of it is something you’ve considered.

I think he does want to get better, but it's gone on for so long he doesn't know which way to turn. I know that nobody is going to wave a magic wand and do the hard work for him, only he can do that. And yes, his issues are his to sort.

I don't want to separate, but it's a long marriage and he's a decent person. I guess everyone has a breaking point and I'm not quite there yet, but the longer it goes on the more likely, unless he takes notice of someone and has a life instead of just an existence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valentine259 · 09/03/2025 20:00

BountifulPantry · 09/03/2025 19:44

Tricky one because it sounds like he is very unwell.

I think if this were me, I’d want him to be doing everything he possibly could to get well again. So working with the GP to get the correct medication, speaking to a therapist weekly. Communicating with you about how he is regularly etc.

Do you think that he could be doing more to get well again?

He's had a recent medication review, he has contacted a psychiatrist and we speak regularly about how he is feeling. However I do feel he could do more, so much more - he doesn't take advantage of the times when he feels okay and he is not anxious. He could go out for just the sake of it, but hardly ever does. He keeps busy by keeping the house going, which is obviously good, but it's still not a fulfilling life. He could do, and be, so much more.

OP posts:
scorchedwitch · 09/03/2025 20:17

Rigid thinking - possible autism? That would explain the anxiety as the vast majority of autistic people have this. Maybe a lifetime of masking has just broken him and he can no longer do it