Husbands anxiety is destroying our marriage

[Valentine259]

I'm hoping someone can offer some helpful words of advice please. I've been married for 25 years and the last two years have been totally awful. My husband developed rosacea and I think had a bit of a breakdown at the start of this episode. He's retired and at the start of this, would not leave the house. He became depressed and anxious, and anxiety plays a big part in his skin where it becomes hot and sore during the evenings. During the daytime it's not so bad, but he still goes out rarely, only when really needed and has not been to any social/family events in this whole time. I still work, have good friends and go out a lot (mainly because I am starting to feel awkward and sad at home). He has made our house his safe place, but also a prison. He is very restless at night and needs to sleep, so I sleep in the lounge. He has seen various dermatologists and therapists who all suggest he needs to go out and exercise, but he still won't, due to his fear that daylight will make his skin condition worse (not true). We are living totally separate lives ... I lurch between trying to cajole him to come out, even for a coffee, but he won't as he says he's too anxious, to deciding he needs to get on with it himself as I can't help him. The thing is, he said I should just carry on as normal, go out and live "my best life" and he will "catch up" when he's ready ... is this possible? He's a totally different person than he was even 2 years ago, I hardly recognise him .. Will the "old" him ever return? Its got to a point where I now have a doctors appointment to ask for anti-depressants as I'm struggling now myself. Has anyone else been through similar and what did you do? One minute I want to separate, but I feel I need to give him more time for him to get better, but I fear this could go on indefinitely. Thank you for reading x

Soolantra works great for me. I'm surprised he wasn't prescribed this ages ago.

He took voluntary redundancy at 54 which seemed like a good idea at the time, but he went from full time to nothing. He said he would get a part time job, but didn't, he just pottered but said he was content. Then Covid happened which didn't help. So he was used to being on his own and being indoors

He did see a specialist (possibly not far off the ilk of Dr Craythorne) and has got tablet options and I've put forward everyone's suggestions.

I do think the anxiety plays a huge part on all of this and if he could somehow get that more under control it would help him (and me too!) 🙂

Soolantra fixed my rosacea. Has he been tested for Lupus? I am concerned about his morning routine. Sounds like OCD to me. (Also the not leaving the house thing & routines.) His routine will no doubt be sensitizing his skin. Nobody needs that long unless getting married.

You say he's done all the research and tried all the products under the sun.....but clearly he hasn't.
There is a ladder of treatment and Nice guidance.
First is topical metronidazole gel and reducing triggers and sunscreen
Then consider oral antibiotic..this is either doxycycline or lynecycline... usually only used for 6-12 months
Soolantra is an alternative.
But he has to stick to one routine ( and reduce triggers...so get treatment for his anxiety, stop drinking alcohol if he does , reduce hot/ cold variants etc) and reduce products on skin and stick to it for several months.
His mirtazipine needs reviewing as either he needs higher dose or a change of meds.
All of this means he needs to take some accountability for his situation...and there lies your problem..I'd doubt he wants things to change...change, going outside..it's scary

I am now starting to detach more. His (past) therapist said that with her and my help, we could get him better ... I now know that is unrealistic, only he can help himself and he has to do it on his terms. You're right and confidence too, he's gone from capable and logical to scared of his own shadow. He needs to "face the fear and do it anyway" ... hopefully one day!

I do have lots of good things in my life and lots of good people - I am very grateful, so I am okay, but it has taken its toll over time x

Play hard ball, tell him it’s unbearable for you and he must have anxiety medication or a medication review this month. You need things to change fast

Not tested for Lupus (but will put it forward), but he's a perfectionist and OCD ... and I think that is a factor. Plus no outside routine gives him all day to worry and obsess, none of which is healthy, but he will carry on until he decides to make a change.

Yes, I do wonder if he wants to change or if he's so used to this way of life. If he does do something small in the way of progess, he never celebrates it, which I find odd.

I can't keep up with what he's tried, but he says "everything" (probably not literally but feels like it). He has had mirtazapine dose upped a while back, but that may not even be a good idea, nothing seems to work ... or he doesn't stick with it for long. I will look at the Nice guidance, thank you x

Honestly, I think this has gone too far OP for him to ever be able to retreat back out of. You either set yourself free or you get dragged down with him. Marriage is for better or for worse, yes, but not when one half of the partnership throws their hands up and says it's on you to sort out. For whatever reason.

You get one go at life. Will you look back on this period of time and think "I'm glad I supported him even though it made me a prisoner as well as him.......".

He knows the effect its having on me, but at least I can get out and still lead a daily normal life outside of home. I can't make him change, he has to want to do it but I can at least do all I can to make me happy and I am giving that all I can x

It has gone on far too long and I am willing to support to a point, but he has to meet me half way. He's totally defined himself by his condition and needs to find a way back to his old self, if he can. I don't intend to separate (although I have thought about it) and it may end up that way eventually, who knows

It’s sounds like a manifestation and a projection for his anxiety. I don’t think that Rosacea has anything to do with what he is feeling and he sounds very much like he is out of control mentally at the moment. Could very well be autistic burn out or just general burn out. Our minds can be an awful self fulfilling prison. I think he needs to admit to himself that he is no longer in control of his thoughts. What we dwell on we become and he sounds trapped within OCD and has projected all of his anxiety onto this condition which could very well be totally unrelated. Anything could have triggered this downward spiral and subsequent obsession with his skin. Our minds can literally make anything be true and cling onto anything in the need for
control. His skin gives his anxiety supply.

Sometimes I read threads on MN and I want to shoot myself (joking…) but this thread is golden. I’m no expert but there are so many thoughtful and helpful posts on here. Good luck OP x

If this was a man posting about his wife, I highly doubt anyone would say "take away her comforts, and make her sleep on the sofa"

You're married OP, you made a vow to stick together in sickness and in health. He's obviously really struggling and he needs help and support, not to be berated.

You said you're giving him all these suggestions, do you have any idea what it's like to have a problem like rosacea or acne, where whenever you go outside someone else offers you their (usually uninformed or something you've already tried) opinions? And how frustrating and helpless that makes you feel? You just want to isolate yourself from everyone.

If you suddenly had painful, inflamed cystic acne, you tried everything, changed your diet, were meticulously clean, changed your bedding every other day, waste all your money on different products, and whenever you went outside, it hurt more and people were telling you "why don't you try drinking water?", "You should exercise more"... you'd probably want to stay home too! Imagine on top of that your husband was saying you're making HIM depressed and he wants to divorce you.

As someone who has suffered from pretty severe rosacea I find it absolutely wild that he’s getting therapy and antidepressants before a very basic treatment like soolantra.
It’s like everyone involved is stuck in a weird pattern and can’t see wood from the trees.
Are his symptoms really just occasional redness/hot flashes? My face, for example, was flakey and burning 24/7. If someone had told me to just go for a walk I’d probably slap them.
You say he has started taking tablets. Do you mean he’s started the antibiotic treatment that takes many months and where he’s advised to avoid the sun as much as possible?
Why does his morning routine take so long? He should be using minimal products to limit triggers. Mine, as prescribed by my dermatologist, takes 5 minutes.
Has he even seen a dermatologist who specialises in rosacea? It’s probably something he’d have to go private for but this is literally ruining both your lives and isn’t something to faff about with going back and forth with GP giving lifestyle advice or trying everything off the internet DIY style.

I reckon that blokes often don’t put themselves out to do stuff unless and until they have been put out. So make him uncomfortable. I would be reclaiming the bed for a start.

Then it’s baby steps but keep them coming. Be the grain of sand in his shoe. No more nicey nicey. He gets help before he gets comfortable again.

I can kind of see his point, well not point but how he's feeling

I have an allergy to heat and exercise which means I come out in full body hives which are very visible and also itchy. The more people stared, the worse they got
I stopped exercise because of the discomfort and people staring then it got so bad I couldn't wear a coat and even a supermarket trip would bring me out in hives

Thankfully after 28 years of this condition I found a dermatologist who put me on a biologic injection and I'm in remission

I have rosacea. I have sensitive skin so can't use Soolantra, though many swear by it. I use a skin sensitive sun screen called Cetaphil Daily Defence Cream and then cover the redness with Rosalique Anti-Redness skincare which makes me look fantastic. On very bad days if I have swelling I wear a hat. However, I find most people don't look twice at me as they are thinking about their own lives.

He's currently on mirtazapine, nortripyline (pain relief) and carvedilol (beta blocker) and uses Natural Elements Hypoallergenic Moisturiser and washes with E45 foaming face wash.

The pain starts late afternoon and can last all evening and the flushing comes a bit later but can calm down. His skin feels fairly normal from waking until this point, but will flare up at any time if anxious or stress. He also has sun damage.

He's always taken a long time in the bathroom. not all of the time is spent on his face, but obviously things like shaving and carefully applying moisturiser take longer.

He did see a psycho-dermatologist privately who gave him the two prescriptions above and the doctor prescribed the mirtazapine.

A friend of mine also has had Soolantra and it has been mentioned a lot on here, so I've put that forward to him. I'm hoping that something helps with both the physical and mental as it does feel like a never ending search, going from one thing to another.

I'm sorry you've been through it too and I hope you are okay x

Thank you, I have taken what you said on board and today suggested a gentle journey out. We went to a garden centre, looked around for about 30 minutes and came home. At every stage I offered that we could stay or leave and we took it all at his pace. This is the first leisurely outing he has done since last October and he was pleased to do it and hopes to build on it with baby steps.

I obviously do not have experience of rosacea but can see the effects it has. I know he is struggling and unwell and I have offered to either leave him alone, in the hands of the professionals or to go out with him, always with the get out clause of coming home. I've offered to go to appointments with him but he always said no because "it's private". I have literally sofa surfed in my own home for over 2 years, bearing in mind I still work and am up at 5.15am 4 days a week. I swing between being an 'encouager', trying to get him to do things, but often with a negative response (today being an exception) and a 'spectator' and just watching him become a shell of himself. I'm hoping in time his old self will come back.

I'm sorry this has happened, 28 years is an awfully long time, but so glad you are in remission x

Thank you, he's tried both of those but to no avail unfortunately. He wears a hat and sunglasses if he needs to go out and yes, people don't tend to notice, everyone is just getting on with their own lives x

Sorry I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been suggested for the rosacea. I suffered from rosacea for over 20 years, then I discovered that in some people it is caused by an infestation of the demodex mite. This is present on everyone's skin but if you have rosacea you might have many more present. You can get a prescription for Soolantra which contains the active ingredient ivermectin, this kills off the mites. It might get worse before it gets better due to die back, but it is a game changer if you stick with it.
Sunlight is one of my triggers so I have to wear makeup with a high SPF all year round. You can get Soolantra from your GP or on a private prescription e.g. from Superdrug.

Just to add, it absolutely did affect my mental health, I would never go out without a full face of makeup and even now I still wear makeup every day as I still have some redness. I imagine its even harder for men as they can't necessarily slap on the foundation! So I do get how it could affect your confidence and how that could spiral.

Thank you for taking my comment well.

I suffered from acne and it had a massive impact on me, I felt like a monster. I didn't recover mentally until my skin got better. Until then I felt almost suicidal and wanted to quit my job and not have to interact with anyone ideally, even my family. I'm just saying all this to explain how bad it can be.

Do you think for him the worst thing is the physical discomfort or how he looks?

I do think you having to sleep on the sofa is awful and I'm glad he's said you don't have to do that anymore.