I scared a guy by asking what he wants/needs in a relationship

[fedupwiththeguy]

I started a new hobby about 2 years ago. They meet weekly but I have been attending sporadically (maybe once a month with gaps in between), and there was a couple of guys who would look for me to chat.

Last summer, one of them asked me if I was single, and then intensified contact by the end of 2024 (asking me to come to the meetup, inviting me to different events related to the hobby, asking me to go for drinks after the meetup).

I decided to go for drinks and then the contact increased to messaging a couple of times a week, and we went to a day event out of town together. He asked me for dinner on Valentine's Day and we kissed at the end of the night. Since then, he has texted or called almost every day, came around to fix something that broke in my yard and offered help with practical things (handy work or anything that needs a car since I don't have one).

When he came round, he tried to kiss me again, but I told him that we needed to have a chat first. I am not interested in hookups or casual dating so I wanted to know more about him to assess our compatibility. We have had conversations about our hobby and light stuff but nothing deep. We made plans for dinner yesterday and asked him about what he wants from a relationship and when and how long was his last relationship.

By the end of the night he asked me to go his place but I declined and told him we were not compatible since he wants kids and I don't. He looked really surprised and had not understood that I was asking these questions to evaluate compatibility. Today he told he felt uncomfortable, sounded like an interrogation and he was worried I would use what he said against him. I had no clue that's how he was feeling yesterday. I asked open ended questions, like above and didn't press for anything. He also spoke about a confrontation (I think he may refer when I said we are not compatible. He tried to backpedal saying that he didn't say he wanted kids with me to which I responded "exactly. You want kids and that should not depend on the person you are dating. That's not something you can compromise on).

He also said he realized yesterday that he is not ready to be vulnerable.

I am very confused. I felt we had a good conversation and night, regardless of not been compatible. I enjoy the time with him but I am indifferent romantically. I have seen good qualities in him during the time that we have spent together that made me consider the possibility, his kindness helping me with the yard made me think he was really interested in me. I didn't want to string him along so I decided to gather the info I needed to see if we are compatible to either open or close that door. Talking about our hobby is not enough for me to decide potential/compatibility.

Despite all of the above he called and asked me to go on a walk today, after spending 10h together yesterday and sleeping little. He told me all this. We talked a little but we were both tired and preferred lighter chat.

When he dropped me off he asked me if I had checked my calendar for the weekend out of town event for our hobby, and he wanted to make plans to travel and stay in an airbnb together.

But here I am confused. My reading of last night didn't catch any of his discomfort, the confrontation or interrogation he felt. He also seemed overwhelmed by me considering this when the only reason is that I thought he was very interested. I am a demo sexual, so I have not developed that sexual attraction to him and would not be thinking of him if he had not show interest in me first. So his emotional unavailability also comes as surprising to me.

We are from different cultures and both not British so wondering if that could also be playing a role. One of the things I realized yesterday is that we have different approaches to relationships. For him, sex is the first part of assessing that compatibility and for me values, goals, needs and wants comes before I decide to have sex. So that could also be contributing to the curveball we just had this weekend.

For anyone who read my previous thread, this is the guy #2 who I called Tom. And I know age was important in that thread, so he is 35. Both divorced 8 years, both 6 years marriage, both with kids, so some experience there.

You’re not helping yourself here OP by keep sending him mixed signals. Why fk out to dinner with him again, kiss him again if you know that you want completely different things and there’s no prospect of a relationship that works for you both?

Stop meeting him outside of your hobby and stop kissing him. This isn't going anywhere, he’s told you loud and clear he’s looking ffir something casual so next time say no to a date and both move on

Sorry- are you saying it would be 'normal' to develop a physical and emotional relationship, before considering if you are compatible long term? Isn't that just opening yourself up for heartbreak down the line when you break up?
I think I am probably also somewhere on the demi sexual spectrum, and possibly not entirely NT..... as everything the OP has said makes perfect sense to me.
She doesn't feel instant sexual attraction, she would possibly be interested in a longterm relationship and he seemed nice so potentially could have got to know him better and see if attraction develops.
But having established fundamental differences that would make a LT relationship not viable she has said thanks but no thanks. Why waste each others time when it wouldn't go anywhere?
He is obviously willing to just have sex now and not worry about the future. She doesn't want casual sex. Discussion over.

If more people considered what they wanted from a relationship and if the person they were dating was compatible with that then I think there would be far less miserable women posting on here about their relationships imploding a few years/kids down the line.

I'm sorry- what?!
Open relationship would be a massive screaming red flag of no fucking way to me.
He is trying to persuade and manipulate you into a relationship and he doesn't even want to be monogamous? Imo he is pushing hard here because he wants sex, he is saying all the things he can to persuade you, none of them sound genuine. If he isn't looking for a committed relationship why would he be trying this hard to sidestep all your valid reasons that you are not compatible? If he genuinely wanted a LTR and to discuss and compromise on the things you are concerned about then dating and building the connection slowly would be more likely, diving in with a declaration of love seems really suspect to me.

Initially I felt a bit sorry for him that he seemed to be feeling more strongly than you and was genuinely interested. This smacks of manipulative dickhead to me now. I'd cut contact and run personally.

Id just stop it for the sole reason that you don't seem to fancy him - that's a surefire recipe for a totally sexless relationship once the honeymoon period wears off. Not to mention the incompatibility around kids, the seemingly poor communication between you both, etc. There are plenty of men around that you will fancy

Well the story has taken a bit of a turn hasn't it?

OP, this guy is sounding absolutely horrifically manipulative. I seriously suggest you pull back from him as he is a real mind fuck. Best of luck.

How odd you didn't think it was important to mention that he wants an open relationship?

If you don't see a future with him, stop going out with him maybe?

How odd you didn't think it was important to mention that he wants an open relationship?

Because my original post was about me been confused with his reaction when I said we were not compatible. The relevant part was that we were not compatible and I knew I would receive more responses about non-monogamy than what I was actually asking about.

His approach to that has been the same as with having kids. We can discuss it, he doesn't think it's a deal breaker. But I don't think either is a point to compromise for either of us.

I don't think he has bad intentions, just that we are not compatible. He is spending all his time and energy on me. I have not wanted to get to the monogamy discussion as there was other issues that I considered deal breakers... so one dela breaker was enough and didn't need to discuss all of them one by one. He has had monogamous relationships before.

You're just not into him, it sounds like you think you "ought" to give him a chance?

You don't need to have a boyfriend or a relationship.

If you're older with children, and don't want any more, there's no rush. You can have years of dating nobody, that's normal.

If you're divorced with children and not a super-rich supermodel, there probably won't be loads of really good dating prospects around...

..that's fine, you don't need to give every guy who shows interest and has a professional job a chance! Just get on with your life.

I was on a Tinder meet at the weekend. It was a nice afternoon, a couple moments of chemistry, some really nice conversation.

It didn't feel right as a "date" by the end, as a couple of things felt/sounded wrong (I don't know what he thought about me).

I might be missing out on someone wonderful! If I made the effort, we could have a brilliant relationship. There was some attraction...he's got a good job and he's 35....

I could "talk myself" into giving him another meet, and finding out more about the potential problems.

However....why bother thinking about it?
Personally I'd rather chill out at home than go out. It costs time and money for a night out.

So...I just won't see him again, if he asks I'll politely say I'm busy.

There's no point spending ages analysing or worrying or having FOMO.

Someone requesting an open or non-monogamous relationship and not realising that for most people that that is not acceptable sounds like they are gaslighting to me. He seems perfectly prepared to ride roughshod over whatever boundaries you set.

Don't confuse charm and craic with being a good friend. This guy isn't a good friend to you OP.

But IMO his reaction was not surprising at all, you've been seeing each other on a "more than friends" basis since the end of last year, which included going out to dinner and kissing, you are both giving each other signals that there may be a relationship in the making, yet you don't seem to have ever had any sort of conversation during that time to ascertain naturally if you are compatible to each other or not..

Instead, during one of your meet ups you suddenly decide you need to ask him direct questions, so you put him on the spot and decide on the back of that that you aren't compatible. He may have answered honestly or maybe answered more on a basis of what he thought you may have wanted to hear as he may not be certain what he wants right now but knows he wants to continue a relationship with you, and he is now confused that something you hadn't even bothered to mention previously is now incredibly important to you and a deal breaker to boot.

You could have stopped seeing him/messaging him at any time, so to me it looked like you wanted to put the brakes on at that point and wanted him to give you a reason to bin him off, so you quizzed him until he said something you disagreed with then used that as a reason to 'break up'.

Children is very much a future issue, you may never get that far into a relationship to find out, IMO there has to be so much more that aligns in your ideals and beliefs to even consider having children with someone, and that would be a natural conversation, not a shining the torch in someones eyes type of conversation. So why you would hinge everything on that yet completely disregard the more 'immediate' problem of him wanting to have an open relationship and you don't is incredibly odd.

You aren't compatible because of the open relationship issue, so everything else is irrelevant surely?

@Potofblood your message resonated with me. You have hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the feeling of "ought". It is true, there is some kind of pressure internal and external to give someone a chance, specially when they have already expressed a clear interest. My friends have often encouraged me to keep an open mind and don't discard people too soon. So with that in my mind is so easy to get caught up.

Your message also brought up my feelings regarding a past close friendship with whom I had incredible chemistry. But when he expressed romantic interest I struggled because it felt good but wasn't good for me. This resulted in the loss of the friendship and affected me greatly to this day.

I think all of the above combined with FOMO is clouding my judgement. I have been single for years, because I greatly agree that i don't need to settle for anyone who comes along simply because they are available. Your post is a very good reminder. Thank you.

you've been seeing each other on a "more than friends" basis since the end of last year

No, that's when he intensified the contact (text) but we didn't go on what you would call a date until Valentine's Day (and that was the third time we were 1:1, with the other two times still related to our hobby).