I scared a guy by asking what he wants/needs in a relationship

[fedupwiththeguy]

I started a new hobby about 2 years ago. They meet weekly but I have been attending sporadically (maybe once a month with gaps in between), and there was a couple of guys who would look for me to chat.

Last summer, one of them asked me if I was single, and then intensified contact by the end of 2024 (asking me to come to the meetup, inviting me to different events related to the hobby, asking me to go for drinks after the meetup).

I decided to go for drinks and then the contact increased to messaging a couple of times a week, and we went to a day event out of town together. He asked me for dinner on Valentine's Day and we kissed at the end of the night. Since then, he has texted or called almost every day, came around to fix something that broke in my yard and offered help with practical things (handy work or anything that needs a car since I don't have one).

When he came round, he tried to kiss me again, but I told him that we needed to have a chat first. I am not interested in hookups or casual dating so I wanted to know more about him to assess our compatibility. We have had conversations about our hobby and light stuff but nothing deep. We made plans for dinner yesterday and asked him about what he wants from a relationship and when and how long was his last relationship.

By the end of the night he asked me to go his place but I declined and told him we were not compatible since he wants kids and I don't. He looked really surprised and had not understood that I was asking these questions to evaluate compatibility. Today he told he felt uncomfortable, sounded like an interrogation and he was worried I would use what he said against him. I had no clue that's how he was feeling yesterday. I asked open ended questions, like above and didn't press for anything. He also spoke about a confrontation (I think he may refer when I said we are not compatible. He tried to backpedal saying that he didn't say he wanted kids with me to which I responded "exactly. You want kids and that should not depend on the person you are dating. That's not something you can compromise on).

He also said he realized yesterday that he is not ready to be vulnerable.

I am very confused. I felt we had a good conversation and night, regardless of not been compatible. I enjoy the time with him but I am indifferent romantically. I have seen good qualities in him during the time that we have spent together that made me consider the possibility, his kindness helping me with the yard made me think he was really interested in me. I didn't want to string him along so I decided to gather the info I needed to see if we are compatible to either open or close that door. Talking about our hobby is not enough for me to decide potential/compatibility.

Despite all of the above he called and asked me to go on a walk today, after spending 10h together yesterday and sleeping little. He told me all this. We talked a little but we were both tired and preferred lighter chat.

When he dropped me off he asked me if I had checked my calendar for the weekend out of town event for our hobby, and he wanted to make plans to travel and stay in an airbnb together.

But here I am confused. My reading of last night didn't catch any of his discomfort, the confrontation or interrogation he felt. He also seemed overwhelmed by me considering this when the only reason is that I thought he was very interested. I am a demo sexual, so I have not developed that sexual attraction to him and would not be thinking of him if he had not show interest in me first. So his emotional unavailability also comes as surprising to me.

We are from different cultures and both not British so wondering if that could also be playing a role. One of the things I realized yesterday is that we have different approaches to relationships. For him, sex is the first part of assessing that compatibility and for me values, goals, needs and wants comes before I decide to have sex. So that could also be contributing to the curveball we just had this weekend.

For anyone who read my previous thread, this is the guy #2 who I called Tom. And I know age was important in that thread, so he is 35. Both divorced 8 years, both 6 years marriage, both with kids, so some experience there.

I'd just view it as a friendship now. I get what he means, he wants kids but that's not to say it's a dealbreaker for him. But if you don't see a relationship but enjoy being with him just be his friend.

He is interested in you.

He does want friendship and probably sex.

He doesn't care about values. He said what he thought but when he realised it made him an no from your perspective he's backing off,

He's happy to have whatever values you want him to have as long as he gets a relationship and or sex,

That would be my reading of the situation,

He wants sex not a relationship

We got home (each to their own) around 7am after chatting all night. We slept 4-5h and then went on a walk in the afternoon. The sleeping little means we didn't get enough sleep and we were tired. Nobody had a sleep together.

I think you are right, he is looking for sex even when I have been clear that I am not interested in hookups or casual dating.

I think I misread the amount of contact and the offers of help as someone who cared and wanted something more meaningful. The more clarity he has offered is that he wants to be "more than friends".

I need to take some space and time.

He wants to keep dating you despite the fact that you've said the relationship doesn't have a future. If you don't want to keep dating him then you should make it clear.

You did the right thing op. It's important to weed out the dogs that are just looking for a quick leg over if you want commitment.

I'd just be grateful he wasn't more cunning and instead showed himself up immediately when sex was denied.

I feel for him a bit, really. You're spending time with him, kissing him, hanging out as though you are developing a relationship. For most people the conversations about do you want children some day, what are your life goals would come a little later into a relationship. It would not be a total deal breaker to getting into having sex, or becoming close emotionally.

Perhaps as you are demisexual you are not seeing the sexual part as a way of getting closer, and he would feel more vulnerable to have those conversations if you were in a mutually caring physical relationship.

You also may be discounting the way that love and desire can over time open your eyes to new ways of living your life. For example someone might think they always wanted to live near their birthplace, then meet someone from the other side of the world, and through a sexual and romantic relationship reevaluate their plan for their life. So I wouldn't have a series of deal breaking principles I applied to everyone. Not every relationship has to be the one you have children in, etc.

Having said that if you never want to have sex except when the values are totally aligned then you're probably going to need to tell him you don't want to date him any more, explicitly.

I think you sound wise. You know who you are, you know what you want, and you're clear about it. Shame he can't say the same. Don't doubt yourself. If it's meant to be, it will be - but it won't come about by him not thinking any further than the next five minutes. You've been seeing each other a little while now, so he should be clear in his own mind about his intentions, and not waste your time if he has none.

I don't disagree, by the way, with the PP just above me who says you might change your mind too. Just do so from a place of strength, not from following a passive man.

"Today he told he felt uncomfortable, sounded like an interrogation." This man is not emotionally mature enough to discuss the boundaries of a relationship, so throw him back. You on the other hand, sound very grounded. Go find one of your kind!

He wants casual sex and or friendship with you. Long term he wants to be a dad. Based on that knowledge would you like to continue meeting? It doesn't sound like anything seriously romantic to me.

I'm sorry but I really don't see that....

This connection has grown through friendship, over an extended period of time..... months, or years even, before any move was made to turn it romantic.... and Sex last night was denied and he still kept talking with her through the night, then asked her to come for a walk with him the next afternoon?

Why are we dismissing this man as a sex crazed dog? He sounds like he's wanting to let a relationship develop organically, versus be interrogated with a check list before they've even explored and been together. But there is nothing to suggest he is only interested in sex.

OP, the way you assess relationships sounds very cerebral.... the opposite to 'go with the flow'. Nothing wrong with that, but I can imagine it feeling confusing and a bit off putting for others, who want a bond to grow organically. And I think what you say is true- physical connection is probably part of testing and growing that bond for him (as it is for many men and women), while for you it is not. This might be something worth discussing explicitly with him if you do want to continue to explore, However, if you are sure you do not, then please be very very clear with him, because I suspect he has liked you and hoped for a relationship to develop for a long time now,

You did the right thing.

You want different things so there is no point in you getting involved with someone who is only after a casual arrangement.

Too many women have their time wasted by men like this who sell them the 'let's see where it goes' or 'let's go with the flow'. Men who usually are only after sex and some companionship on their own term.

@financialcareerstuff I've seen too many women messed around by men who just want to 'take it easy and see where it goes'. Then are left old, childless and alone while he swans off to a younger woman and gets her pregnant and married within months.

Any woman who is sure she wants children should ofcourse avoid someone who doesn't, but who still wants to have sex with them.

a) Contraception is never a guarantee, and the last thing anyone needs is a reluctant father.

b) Why waste time on a man just because he is willing to waste yours?

Gambling that they 'may' change their minds if they love you enough is a sure path to self destruction.

@Yogre if you read again, it's HIM who said he liked the idea of children. OP does not want children.

Either way, whether it's wise to pursue the relationship is one question. Whether this guy deserves being called a 'dog who just wants to get his leg over' which is what I was reacting to is another question!

I think you did the right thing. I like you also value clarity early on and to me doesn't get in the way of a relationship progressing organically, it just determines whether this is a person worth emotionally investing in or not. I tend to find that those who are overwhelmed by questions like this are probably not looking for a committed relationship.

You did the right thing but you should pull back from him now as he clearly wants sex with you at least.

Thank you all for your perspectives, it really helps to hear and consider different approaches and I think I am gaining some clarity.

I see "Tom" as an average looking guy, and don't get the hots for him. But he is not unattractive. Through time, I have seen good qualities in him, that combined with his explicitly expressed interest in me, made me consider to keep an open mind. And that exploration was about an emotional connection.

After a good night's sleep I also have more clarity. I thought I had misinterpreted his intentions but he told me he was interested in me platonically, sexually and romantically, that makes his reaction a bit more puzzling.

I'd just be grateful he wasn't more cunning and instead showed himself up immediately when sex was denied.

He has been respectful of my boundaries, otherwise I would not have entertained this. He asked for consent to kiss me and has accepted a no (after we have already kissed) without insisting.

Perhaps as you are demisexual you are not seeing the sexual part as a way of getting close

Actually that's an important part of my reasoning. I know the effects of oxytocin and don't want to create a bond with someone I am not compatible. The paths from there are breakup and heartache or settling for someone who is not what I wanted. I don't want to be the creator of my own problems.

After my divorce I tried dating and my experience was that sex built a false sense of intimacy for me before my feelings matched that closeness.

you might change your mind too
I have fulfilled my maternal instinct (I have two children) and I am over 40 now. I am pretty sure about that one. "Tom" also has a child.

In summary, I need space to clear my mind. I am not romantically invested, I was only trying to keep an open mind for someone I thought was invested in me. The amount of contact, offers of help and travel plans are at relationship level for me. But when I opened that door to see what's inside, he told me he is emotionally unavailable.

If you are auditioning men for a husband then you are absolutely right to screen for values mismatches straight away.

Octavia64 said, He's happy to have whatever values you want him to have as long as he gets a relationship and or sex. On that basis alone, I'd reject this one. A man who will lie to get what he wants is not a suitable partner, even short-term.

I would not invest anymore time with this man except at hobby events, I certainly would not book an Air B&B with him, I think you'll have to make it exceptionally clear you are not longer considering him romantically at all.

You have been smart op.