Fall out with brother over DM care

[Cheekysmile22]

My poor Mums had a bad time of it of late with the strong possibility of a Dementia diagnosis around the corner.

My DB is not the official carer for my Mum but does a fair amount to help her out, taking her places, handling the contact with any clinicians and she stays at his house a day or two a week. His DP also helps out, perhaps even more then he does as he had a heart attack late last year, but is recovering well.

Recently my DB has starting stating that I'm not helping out enough. In mitigation our life's are very different. Firstly I'm working full time and he's not really getting any new work so has a lot more free hours, and never really has worked full time hours. Secondly I have a primary school aged child to being up, but his DD is almost 20 and lives largely with her Mum and being that age is largely self sufficient, thirdly I live a 60 mile round trip from my Mum. I also do both ends of the school run so have to make up the time at the end of the day.

To be honest I'd love to spend more time with her. I see her all day on Sunday, call her each day, will take her to hospital appointments provided I can get the time off. Once a month she stays around my family home, but sometimes that can be difficult. We have a small house and only the facilities to put her up on a camp bed. The other day she thought she'd upset my DW as DW disappeared upstairs (She hadn't she was just putting ds to bed) so DM got upset, ds got very upset and this set the stage for stress.

Most of my DB comments revolving around me taking her in once a month for a couple of days, but sometimes that just isn't possible. He gives dates which has started to wind me up.

His messages just get more and more emotional and it's painful as we've always been close.

Despite saying that he see's her each day her kitchen bin is always full when I visit so obviously hasn't been emptied all week.

Any advise on how to handle him would be great.

Your brother sounds overwhelmed @Cheekysmile22

Could you possibly step up, at least for a while?

Then more independent carers is the solution, not piling it on top of the OP who is too far away and in full time work.

Your mother and brother both need more help that is local. At the moment they (and you) are trying to keep it all “in house” as it were but the situation is untenable. You and he are both her children but you have different resources and assets to offer at this time. Try to sit down with them both and start to make a plan for future care needs. What other resources or support can you offer or locate? Can you come more regularly on the weekend? Is there a community group that can visit during the day? Can someone else be paid to do her bins?

Your DB needs help to handle your DM now her health is declining. Either you step in or not but he is asking you and your family for more help.

I think you are seeing your struggles here and not his. Taking care of our elders changes your life. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

Nobody asked for dementia. That just come, if you are close you will find the way to help, even if is paying someone to take your mum for a walk.

If she needs more care than DB can give then you need to have a conversation with him.

Make clear what you can do and what you can't.

You may be at a point where carers are needed to come in and help.

If he's the person close by he's probably doing a lot and feels under a lot of pressure.

I agree with previous posters - start looking into paid care. Or how about retirement accommodation? My MIL lives in one and it is a huge weight off DH's shoulders.

He sounds overwhelmed but if she has dementia, taking her out of her home to yours for a few days and then back home is only going to make her worse.

It sounds like it's time for a cleaner, regular carers, a day centre and minimising all but vital hospital appointments.

Your brother isn't communicating very well, and I agree with @beetr00 , he's probably lashing out because he's overwhelmed and afraid of what's going to happen to your mum. And focussing on just the bins being emptied or not isn't really doing justice to how much your brother is already shouldering at the moment.

You have your reasons to limit how much you can care for her. And I'm not going to tell you that those reasons aren't valid, but maybe you could ask yourself whether some changes may have to be made temporarily.
Having a mum with dementia is a long and exhausting journey, and incredibly strenuous to everyone involved. The idea that your life can continue as it is without any changes, and your mum can still receive the care she needs, is just not realistic. When caring for an elderly parent, it's inevitable that some areas in your life are impacted. Maybe you need to take a leave of absence or cut down on work hours for a while. Maybe your wife can take on a bigger role at home so you can see your mum more often.

In my case, since my FIL had a stroke last year, my husband will spend several days a week 'working from home' at FIL's house so he can keep an eye on things, make sure he eats well, etc. That also means I've had to do a lot more of the childcare, school runs, household work etc. That's just the way it is. Your life can't just carry on as before. Especially when your brother is then the one picking up all the things you aren't doing. This is a crisis situation. You'll need to be flexible.

It's also not really about whether your brother works more or has children to care for either. He's already doing more than his fair share, so that argument should end there. It's more about whether you want to be there for your mum as she goes down this road. This is it for her. There's no coming back from dementia. The conversations you'll have with her, the help you give her now, in a few years it will be over and she'll be gone and you might be angry with yourself for not moving a few things around so you could have been there for her.

Agree with the others he does sound as though he needs help. well he does, doesn't he, because he's telling you quite clearly.

I think the minimum adult children should do is a twice weekly phone call and a weekly in person visit where possible and if they can't commit to more than that, and many many many people can;t - no judgement from me - then at least organise paid care and shopping/gardening/cleaning etc etc.

excellent post @Girlmom35

I work PT for the benefit of my family, not so I can look after my elderly DM. My brother constantly cites ‘work’ as the reason he can’t help her more, yet he always has time for golf weekends and long business lunches.

You should be sharing the care equally because you are all her children. If you can’t do more then you should have a conversation about paying for help.

But how?

We had this with DH’s father. The father, plus DH’s wider family, are all in the south, but we’re in the north. DH’s sister concocted this wonderful shared care plan, which conveniently forgot the distances involved. Unless DH has resigned from his job (which would probably have rendered us homeless eventually) there was no way for him to to ‘step up’

Dementia patients need specialist care, it’s rare that families, no matter how well meaning, can supply this.

@Kitchensinktoday he said, she has not yet been diagnosed.

30 miles each way to help, with one child and his wife at home is probably a bit different from the situation you've experienced?

Agree you need to look at external care and support.

Does your Mum have POAs in place? If not does she still have capacity, if so get on with it!

However is there any more you could do from your own home wrt maybe admin?

My DB and I both visit fortnightly (alternately so they get a visit weekly) but have roughly split tasks so he deals with longer term financials (a lot of which he can do from his home) and I do the day to day washing, pill loading, bill paying etc.

If you are needing to fuss about kitchen bins being emptied then a daily carer visit with a list of jobs for different days sounds like it is needed.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be flippant, just commenting on how difficult it is, for anyone for a job, plus a bit of distance, to be much help. No matter how much the help is needed.

Yes, I'm setting up the POA for both Financial and Medical.

I had tried to work from her place by the way but she started getting worried that I wasn't getting my work done and tried to send me home. I'm happy to work from hers a day or two a week but I'm sure the worry isn't doing her any good.

There is an Elderly Parents board on MN that may be helpful.
If she needs significant help (which it sounds like she does?) she can claim Attendance Allowance.

You and your DB can only do what you can do. If it becomes too much your DM will need to pay for additional help (or SS provide it if low funds).

(and if she hasn't made a Will she needs to do that too)

You need to start looking at care homes in her locality. Moving her back and forth between houses does not help her any. He and you have done what you can but there has to be an end point and I think it’s now been reached.

I would also post in the Elderly Parents forum on MN. You will get replies there too.

Your brother sounds like he needs help. He’s struggling with how much he’s doing for her/responsibility and this will only increase.

Can you look at sheltered accommodation? This would only be a stop gap though if she is heading for a dementia diagnosis- a residential home might be more suitable in a few years. Can you organise a carer for a day or so each week to give him a break? Sort out a cleaner/gardener/online food shop? What is it he is having to do for her- is it just company or more caring? Are there any day centres she could attend?

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to guilt you, more he’s saying he can’t cope.

you said in your op @Cheekysmile22

"To be honest I'd love to spend more time with her"

So your ability/inclination to support your Mum and brother is as "difficult" as you want to make it, surely?

He could contact her councils Adult social care department to see what can be offered. However, carers coming in daily can be a very mixed bag with very short visits of 15 minutes or less, they are that time pressured.
Their remit would only be getting her in and out of bed and preparing a basic meal, nothing else.

That doesn't sound fair (maybe I'm reading it wrong?)

The OP has competing demands on her, she can't be all things to all people.

I my case I have a DD at home who is recovering from a MH breakdown. She can more or less cope with me being away 2 nights per fortnight, but if I have to stay longer or go more frequently she crumbles. It therefore wouldn't currently be sustainable for me to go weekly. It is amazing she is coping as well as she is, and we are lucky it is now that my DPs require care not 3 years ago.

What else can the OP realistically do given distance and her life where she lives?. She can’t split herself into two.

I think he takes her out, does the food shopping once a week , is the point of contact for clinicians and gives her her meds. She's can dress/wash her self and prep food (although less now with oven). Meds is pre prepped thankfully. She gets lonely so I sometimes kip on the sofa.