Fall out with brother over DM care

[Cheekysmile22]

My poor Mums had a bad time of it of late with the strong possibility of a Dementia diagnosis around the corner.

My DB is not the official carer for my Mum but does a fair amount to help her out, taking her places, handling the contact with any clinicians and she stays at his house a day or two a week. His DP also helps out, perhaps even more then he does as he had a heart attack late last year, but is recovering well.

Recently my DB has starting stating that I'm not helping out enough. In mitigation our life's are very different. Firstly I'm working full time and he's not really getting any new work so has a lot more free hours, and never really has worked full time hours. Secondly I have a primary school aged child to being up, but his DD is almost 20 and lives largely with her Mum and being that age is largely self sufficient, thirdly I live a 60 mile round trip from my Mum. I also do both ends of the school run so have to make up the time at the end of the day.

To be honest I'd love to spend more time with her. I see her all day on Sunday, call her each day, will take her to hospital appointments provided I can get the time off. Once a month she stays around my family home, but sometimes that can be difficult. We have a small house and only the facilities to put her up on a camp bed. The other day she thought she'd upset my DW as DW disappeared upstairs (She hadn't she was just putting ds to bed) so DM got upset, ds got very upset and this set the stage for stress.

Most of my DB comments revolving around me taking her in once a month for a couple of days, but sometimes that just isn't possible. He gives dates which has started to wind me up.

His messages just get more and more emotional and it's painful as we've always been close.

Despite saying that he see's her each day her kitchen bin is always full when I visit so obviously hasn't been emptied all week.

Any advise on how to handle him would be great.

It sounds like there is a need to introduce other carers - even if intiially its to sort say cleaning and so your Mum can get used to them. If you go directly you can get the same person consistently which will help. That could take some pressure from your brother and his partner - so say washload twice a week - towels and bedding and then clothes, keeping bathroom and kitchen cleaned (surfaces, cupboard fronts, windowsill, floor etc) and empty all bins etc. Maybe organise supermarket delivery for when brother can be there to put away or even cleaner cld do this. The other job for the cleaner could be having a cup of tea and a chat with Mum as well.

It is always difficult to care for someone with dementia and it will get worse, I lived over 100 miles away from my Mum and Dad and Mum had dementia. Even with Dad home he wasn't really coping and there are 6 of us kids but still the majority fell to one sister living there, one sister less than half an hr away. I still did one week and one weekend (sep) every month but they still moaned at me for not doing enough. I was working and had a child too.

I suppose what I am saying is agree what you are going to do, talk to work ask for some flexibility - e.g. 4 long days once a month allowing you a long weekend over there. Get a routine, be clear where your boundaries are with your brother. Maybe once a year you do a week so they can go away. Look for respite care and speak to adult social care about what help is available, check out local charities, check for day care facilities etc. Also would your partner consider doing some? I did 3 solid months for my MIL (daughter older at this point and in lockdown). Could you put kids in after school for a while? could you share school run with another parent week on week off? The reality is life will have to change to accommodate Mum and you will also need to look at what the future holds as well as at some point she will need full time care - is that at home or in a care home and if so which one and whose paying