Fall out with brother over DM care

[Cheekysmile22]

My poor Mums had a bad time of it of late with the strong possibility of a Dementia diagnosis around the corner.

My DB is not the official carer for my Mum but does a fair amount to help her out, taking her places, handling the contact with any clinicians and she stays at his house a day or two a week. His DP also helps out, perhaps even more then he does as he had a heart attack late last year, but is recovering well.

Recently my DB has starting stating that I'm not helping out enough. In mitigation our life's are very different. Firstly I'm working full time and he's not really getting any new work so has a lot more free hours, and never really has worked full time hours. Secondly I have a primary school aged child to being up, but his DD is almost 20 and lives largely with her Mum and being that age is largely self sufficient, thirdly I live a 60 mile round trip from my Mum. I also do both ends of the school run so have to make up the time at the end of the day.

To be honest I'd love to spend more time with her. I see her all day on Sunday, call her each day, will take her to hospital appointments provided I can get the time off. Once a month she stays around my family home, but sometimes that can be difficult. We have a small house and only the facilities to put her up on a camp bed. The other day she thought she'd upset my DW as DW disappeared upstairs (She hadn't she was just putting ds to bed) so DM got upset, ds got very upset and this set the stage for stress.

Most of my DB comments revolving around me taking her in once a month for a couple of days, but sometimes that just isn't possible. He gives dates which has started to wind me up.

His messages just get more and more emotional and it's painful as we've always been close.

Despite saying that he see's her each day her kitchen bin is always full when I visit so obviously hasn't been emptied all week.

Any advise on how to handle him would be great.

Get the legal things sorted out, PoAs and a Will. If you suspect your mother is in early stages of dementia, don't delay.

Your mother and brother need to be assessed - your mother needs a care needs assessment and your brother needs a carer assessment.

Once the legals are done, speak to GP about a memory clinic referral or whether it is something else.

If it is dementia, don't keep moving her around. It is too disorienting for them. Routine is most important along with being in a familiar place.

Make sure her home is safe. She will qualify for lower rate AA and you can use this to buy in help if she needs it - podiatry, cleaning etc.

AgeUK and Alzheimers Soc are great resources for info.

And doing that will give you back problems, can you sleep on a camp bed instead?.

How do you feel about residential care for your mother?. Would your brother also now accept this for his mum too?. Carer burnout is a real thing.

@TeenToTwenties and @AttilaTheMeerkat

I think the OP is male and has support at home from his wife?

Doesn't matter. I have support from my DH.
But my DD still can't cope with me being away too much.

Acknowledge that your brother has things very difficult at the moment

But you can't help the way he would like

And you are worried that your mother is coping less and less well staying at yours

Your mother is only going to get worse rather than better

So you are happy to work with your brother to come up with a better solution that suits everyone

Thanks Attila,

She sometimes mentions a care home, but I think only because she sometimes thinks she's a burden.

Personally I think she's too independent, at least at the moment. She's a bit of a character and likes her own space.

But your situation is not the same.

Your DD is obviously your priority @TeenToTwenties as it should be.

@Cheekysmile22 doesn't say that his primary-aged son is being adversely affected by his Dad helping his brother with their Mum?

Have I mis-read?

Well he does get extremely upset seeing his Gran. in distress when she stays around.

Is there money or would you be relying on Social Services?

If either she/you/your brother are in a position to pay for things this does make life easier.

Day centre at least once a week.
Carer to take her out.
Cleaner who she can chat to as well as making sure the bins aren't overflowing, food isn't rotting in the fridge etc.

Your brother is doing a lot but if you just aren't in a position to do more, then the answer is to outsource to other people.

I have to say this is why I'm sometimes glad I don't have siblings.
It sounds to me like you are already doing loads - weekly all day visits with a 60 mile round trip, having her at yours once a month, and daily phone calls. You have a DS and that has to be your priority. I don't see how you could do any more.

If your DB is doing significantly more than this and it's still not enough, then yes it's time to start considering carers or a care home and when he brings it up say that you are unable to do any more but you would be happy to arrange a social care assessment and see what can be provided through external sources.

I would seriously now consider a care home for your mother. A carer will not necessarily take your mother out and such visits are normally limited to 15 minutes. It’s her needs not wants that have to be considered here.

The current situation is untenable because your brother in particular now is heading for carer burnout. You can do no more either due to distance and your own life/family commitments.

Similar sort of problem: I have family members in Spain, and the problem is that the mother is unwilling to accept any change - she wants her life to go on exactly as she likes it. Her health is deteriorating and her home is unsuitable now - she just isn't safe there. The problem for her sons, one in the UK and one near her in Spain, is trying to persuade her that she will be better off permanently in the lovely care home she is now in for respite care. She is quite determined to return to her own house, and on her own. We don't think it can be done. How do you persuade someone that their life has to change?

I hadn't posted for a while on this so...

My DB is now a paid (private) carer for my Mum. We did have carers in but they were pretty dire, so he cancelled them without having a back up team. DB's partner seems to do most of the hard work. My Mum is doing well, early stages, but able to get herself up in the morning, bed , cups of tea etc.

I'm trying to get the carers back in , and a cleaner. Mum thinks she hasn't enough money, but she has.

DB has recently started sending emotional texts again, a constant I need you to do more, my partner does more then you. If we don't both do our bit then she'll go into care. As I mentioned there is a difference in conditions. He works part time, I work full. He doesn't have any young dependents, I do (ds 12), 5.30 wake ups to get my son to a good school daily. I live an hour and a half round trip from my Mum, he lives 15 minutes. For some reason he believes I have more capacity then he does. I tried to explaining to him why I can't give more.

I'm currently seeing Mum every Sunday and a weekend once a month at my place (Very small two bed cottage and 87 year old in camp bed, so conditions not great) I also sometimes work at Mums if the internets in a good mood, may once every couple of weeks. Now the pressure is to accommodate a further weekend. If I push back the angry texts start and it's making me feel extremely panicky. He just won't stop.

We just need the carers, but I feel I'm pushing against a very hard wall, but in his eyes it's help of care home, which Mum would hate.

Sorry for rambling I'm very stressed.

I think you and your brother need to think about what is best for Mum now.

Sleeping on a camp bed once a month is not acceptable.
Your brother and his partner are burnt out from their caring responsibilities. He has had enough and has drawn his line.

Please be aware that a care home without nursing will boot Mum out if she develops nursing needs, so look for a nursing home rather than a care home.

You say Mum will hate being in a home, but will she? People on tap all the time, activities and tailored menus might not be awful...

This is really tough, much sympathy.

It is not always easy to share care equally when one sibling is local and the other is 60 miles away and works full time (and has no spare room for the parent to stay in).

What was wrong with the carers? Who set them up, you and your brother or social services? Is it worth looking for another company?

Sorry, I can’t get over you putting your mum on a camp bed! Can’t the 12 year old use it one weekend a month?

I’d say your mum needs better carers or at least a cleaner. If your Db is now a paid carer, why on earth is he asking you to ’step up’ when you live 60 miles away and work f/t? Is he expecting you to go p/t? How would that work and how would you finance your outgoings? I think he’s a bit clueless. Assuming you have told your db you can’t just go p/t and be more present given you have a 12 yr old depending on you.

I would seriously consider a care home, there are excellent ones out there. My relative didn’t like the idea, but loved it once settled in.
You’ll get better responses on the Elderly parents board from people in the same situation.

He would lend his bed, but there's a very steep flight of stairs up to the bedroom. I should know I've slipped down them!

Your room if different stairs or a pull out sofa bed, then? My dm is also 87, no way could I put her on a camp bed!

She needs to be in a care home or if still independent to a degree then supported living. We got my grandma into a lovely one that was all on ground floor. With safety cords all around it . Staff 24/7 . Cleaners. A social room with a big kitchen so organised activities always available. Or just a nice place to sit and have a chat. She was reluctant at first but once she settled in she loved it.

I'm with your brother. It doesn't sound like your doing very much. Maybe offer to pay for a cleaner rather than point out the bin isn't emptied

This. I love my Dad dearly but I simply don’t have the space in my life to be his carer. Even though this may be an unpopular stance.

We have also been in this situation, OP, and it’s really tough. My advice is that you can only do as much as you are able to do. It’s important to have boundaries, you cannot pour from an empty cup and your children need you too. My advice would be to sit down with your brother and agree that you need paid care, and agree how it will be organised and paid for. Then you all know where you stand, and resentments won’t grow.

My DH’s sister hasn’t spoken to us for many years because she felt it was so unfair that she did more than my DH when their mother was unwell. He did as much as he possibly could given other very difficult things going on at the time, including a sick child who was in and out of hospital, and a job where he physically could not answer the phone (think along the lines of surgeon). Even though my DH was offering to pay for any care that was needed and visit several times a week that still wasn’t enough for his sister. The whole situation was incredibly sad and difficult and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Clear communication and an honest conversation about how much you both can and can’t do, and what you’re able and willing to pay for, is essential.

OP

re your comment
"My DB is now a paid (private) carer for my Mum. We did have carers in but they were pretty dire, so he cancelled them without having a back up team. DB's partner seems to do most of the hard work".

So nothing much has changed then from a year ago. Why did your brother cancel the carers without having a plan b in place?. There is only one way this whole sorry mess is going now and that is further downwards. It is becoming increasingly urgent that you both now look at nursing homes for your mother. Her needs and wants are becoming more polarised. It is what she needs that is important now, her own wants are secondary.

What does your brother actually do other than berate you by text?. Communication by text is really not appropriate here nor is it communication. Does he use the phone to have a spoken conversation with you?. Both of you need to sit down and talk properly - and without rancour. It's all very well him blaming you for supposedly not doing more (but his partner is doing most of the work) and he is still nor acknowledging there is only so much you can do anyway given both physical distance and your son to look after.