Am I being unreasonable?

[Lostgirl81]

Just looking for thoughts on this please. Would you be happy if your partner left for work first thing in the morning and you didn’t hear from him all day until he rolled in the door at midnight? It’s a regular occurrence, not a one off. We have 4 children, 2 primary school and 2 older. We both work. Me, I find it extremely selfish but partner doesn’t understand why it frustrates me so much.

Is he at work for the whole time he's out of the house? Or is he finishing work and going to a hobby/pub to avoid helping with the children?

first thing being 7am? Thats a hell of a long shift

😂😂

Yeah that's one looooong shift.

I'm assuming after work he is socialising until midnight? If so, I'd be kicking off if it's a regular occurrence. And by regular I don't mean like once a month, more few times a week.

Yes, that would infuriate me. Assuming he hasn’t pre-organised childcare arrangements for his children before leaving and ensured you know he is out of action so could you please make sure they have dinner and do homework etc…

Is he at work or is he off for a drink in the pub after work? I do long days in London every so often, leaving at 7am and very often getting in at 9/10pm. Sometimes we go for a drink after work which is about 7pm and the train home is another hour. I'm always 100% available to my children where I can be and have even been known to order them takeaways in breaks or top up parent pay accounts. Wider family, ex boyfriend when we were together not so much. Given the primary ages of your children I can totally understand your frustration that he can't even reply to a text.

What do you mean - is it a shift from 7 to midnight, something scheduled, and you are upset he does not check in during the day?

Or you mean he should be back at a reasonable time, but instead goes out without discussing it with you and leaves you to be responsible for kids?

Depends if he’s working or in the pub.. If it’s the latter, yes, he should be doing more as you both work. Not sure you can do much if he’s actually working those hours though..

@Lostgirl81 I think it could very much depend on the job. If he is a surgeon then there is probably good reason, or works constructing tunnels.

However assuming he has an office job it would seem his priorities are a little skewed. Has his working hours always been like this? Is he happy with his job? Is he going to the pub etc after work?

Ultimately you are unhappy with his commitment to your relationship. You need to tell him that and ask him to rebalance. If he doesn't then you have a choice.

I'm assuming this is a new thing or you wouldn't have had four children with him. I'd guess that he's either completely checked out or he's having an affair.

He obviously no longer cares OP, so I'd be considering your options.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. In reading them I realised that I didn’t put in my original post that my partner left for work at around 7am, finished early (around 2) and headed to the pub where he remained until just before midnight before heading home. There was no pre arrangement, no text to say how long he’d be out. mentioned it was a regular occurrence and by regular I mean at least twice a month but there are also regular pub trips after work throughout the month albeit not as late, maybe 7 or 8. I have told him how I feel and that I don’t think a bit of consideration is too much to expect. He really does not see that there is a problem in what he is doing.

Yep that would be a line for me.
everyone deserves a social life but this is too much.

I wouldn't be ok with him just heading to the pub as you have updated.

My DH did work very long shifts sometimes and if some shit had gone down at work and he had to stay to fix it this sort of thing did happen.

I had 2 children when I met him and we have another 2 together. It’s a new thing as in happening after having the 2 further children. I don’t think it’s an affair.

Of course it’s not ok.

When is your partner putting in the effort to parent his children?

100% communcication is key, fine to go the pub, but only right to let you know, whilst at work might not always be possible to keep in contact but only fair you are told if he is going out, just common courtesy

I wouldn't continue with the marriage.

And I don't actually think it's fine to go to the pub if there are children to be cares for.

Totally don’t have a problem with that. Heading to the pub at every given opportunity instead of home to his family however I do.

Em, basically he’s not. I feel like I’m parenting him most of the time.

So he spends ten hours in the pub? How drunk is he when he gets back? If he can still speak then I think he's up to more than just drinking.

@Lostgirl81 I think it is not unreasonable that he wants to have a social life, and two or three times a month is fine. What is totally unacceptable is that he feels he can do this as and when he pleases without discussing with you and taking into account the needs of the wider family. It is not always possible to pre-arrange everything, but he should at least discuss with you and respect if you feel there is a reason he should not be out.

Not only is he being very disrespectful, he's spending money that should go on his family on booze. He must be spending a fortune if he's going on regular benders.

He's showing you that he doesn't care OP, he's being spectacularly selfish.

Finishing and heading to the pub. I wouldn’t mind if prearranged but this is just on a whim with no thought or consideration for anyone but himself.

He’s finishing work, this time it was an early finish around 2pm, but other times finishing around 4pm and heading to the pub until closing time. By regular I mean a couple of times a month but other trips to the pub albeit not so late.

This particular time yes he spent 10 hours in the pub. He’s very drunk by the time he gets home.