Am I being unreasonable?

[Lostgirl81]

Just looking for thoughts on this please. Would you be happy if your partner left for work first thing in the morning and you didn’t hear from him all day until he rolled in the door at midnight? It’s a regular occurrence, not a one off. We have 4 children, 2 primary school and 2 older. We both work. Me, I find it extremely selfish but partner doesn’t understand why it frustrates me so much.

His primary relationship is with the pub/drink and if you notice all this your children notice all this too. What are they learning about relationships here from you both?.

What are you getting out of this relationship with him?.

What is the point of you and he being together at all now?. You have 4 children already, you do not need a fifth man child in the shape of him. You also have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Totally not unreasonable to expect a social life however it’s the totally lack of consideration that gets to me. I feel if it was me acting this way then he would understand where I was coming from.

He's checked out of family life and responsibility. When do you get downtime? Going drinking so frequently would be a real turn off for me. Is he definitely going to the pub?

Thank you. Yes, he is spending a fortune. I honestly feel I’m going mad and overthinking all this. Even to the extent where I’m thinking “am I being unreasonable”? He is being selfish but how do I get him to see that?

Yes definitely the pub.

I would even say that 2-3 times a month is a lot for a piss up. Because 4pm-12am is a good 7h of drinking if you deduct travel time. Especially if most days he will have a further couple of hours at the pub after work. Aside from a social aspect, there is nothing productive about this lifestyle in general. If he spent 2-3 times a month on a hobby, like a sport or an activity it's entirely different. Alcohol is a known depressant too, not to mention you literally haemorrhage money at the pub.

Obviously each to their own with how you want to live your life, but when children and partners are concerned, then you need to consider how much effort are you putting into nurturing your family life, and the inequality of deciding last minute that you are not coming home and going to the pub instead because the mother has got it 'handled' as far as childcare is concerned.

I would tell him straight he has responsibilities to his family not to check out of family life by going to the pub and spending vast amounts of family money on boozing. See what his response is.

He knows he's being selfish and he doesn't care. He knows he's got responsibilities and you're stuck looking after his children while he burns through family money.

You could give him an ultimatum but be prepared to follow through if he doesn't change.

What I think you need to consider if thinking are you unreasonable, what would he think if you behaved like he is, I am sure he would not be happy, so no not being unreasonable

Thank you. When he shrugs it off and won’t accept that I see him as selfish for doing this as often as he does it makes me think that I’m overreacting. Seeing replies like this makes me realise I’m not. It is unacceptable. It is unhealthy. It has to stop.

You get him to see that by one day when he is home nip out to the shop and don’t come back till midnight, repeat every week until he can learn to send a text to let you know he won’t be home till late. Yeh it’s petty but if he won’t change his habits or see he’s being selfish action is needed if a conversation doesn’t work

I’ve never actually brought up the money side of it before, always just the selfish nature of it.

I know exactly what would happen here. I would nip out and if not back in an hour I would get a call or text asking how long I’d be. If I stayed out I would continue to get calls/texts asking if everything is ok and saying that he’s worried that something has happened. Anyway this doesn’t solve the real problem in that he is being selfish by heading out to the pub for hours on end at a time with no consideration for his family.

Xh was exactly like this, notice the x bit...

I absolutely wouldn't be putting up with this. His primary relationship is with the pub and his drink. You and the children, including the two who are his, are an aside to him.

I'd be chucking him out. He must be spending so much money on booze that you and the kids see little of it anyway so you probably won't miss him financially.

He certainly has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Possible dependency? We have had a couple of alcoholics in our wider family and only one got clean and remained permanently in recovery. For the other, nothing ever changed. Maybe sometimes for a few days or weeks but they have always backslid and fallen off the wagon.

I certainly couldn't live with it.

I know, I fear the same outcome.

I have brought up the fact that I think there is a problem with alcohol here. Every so often he gives it up but it only ever lasts a couple of weeks then it’s as if all is forgotten and the cycle starts again. I can’t put up with it much longer I really can’t.

Thanks for your reply. I hear everything you’re saying and totally agree.

As I wrote earlier you have a choice re this man and your children do not. You indeed do not have to put up with this and you need to get off this merry go around named denial.

Make choices with them and you at the forefront of your mind here. Not him. He's made his choice and it is the pub. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's likely never been with you either. BTW talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. He does not want to know and you cannot help him. The will to do so has to come from him and he alone.

What's the point of him?

Whose property is it? If it's your house just boot him out. A drunken loser is no good for your kids, he's not a parent or a boyfriend, just some man who drops by to sleep.

Thank you. I think I needed someone to be blunt with me about all this. Denial is exactly what this is. On my part denying that things will get better and on his part that he has a problem with drink. I need to have a long conversation with him and he needs to accept that I’ve forgiven his selfish behaviour for the last time.

Long conversations don't end alcoholism or make a deadbeat be a fantastic parent.
Forget this man and focus on you and your kids futures.

No they don’t but if that’s what the problem is here then he needs help. I married him so would it not make me the selfish one to say that it’s his problem? In sickness and in health and all that. If he doesn’t accept he has a problem then that’s different.

It’s our property, joint owned as husband and wife.

Oh ok, when you referred to him as a partner I assumed just a boyfriend, no marriage certificate.
Anyway, nope, there's no saving this, see AlAnon, it's solely on the alcoholic to choose to stop.

This will be impacting your kids, (Adverse Childhood Experience) and knowing their father doesn't want them. Have you spoken to them about him?