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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

77 replies

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 09:37

Just looking for thoughts on this please. Would you be happy if your partner left for work first thing in the morning and you didn’t hear from him all day until he rolled in the door at midnight? It’s a regular occurrence, not a one off. We have 4 children, 2 primary school and 2 older. We both work. Me, I find it extremely selfish but partner doesn’t understand why it frustrates me so much.

OP posts:
valder · 06/03/2025 11:21

This can go one of two ways.

You have THE conversation, lay it out for him and ask if he agrees to agree. He does and apologises and realises how selfish he is and how much family money is being peed against the wall etc.

You have THE conversation, he loses his shit and turns it back on you as being the selfish one, he works hard, deserves a break for drinks with mates after a long hard day. No I deserve it so that's the way it's going to be. blah blah blah.

Would you believe him if he agrees as in par 1, or will he say it to keep you sweet and then return to his old ways? I think so. No benefit there.

Par 2. No benefit there either.

Time to make choices and decisions. I know you are in a marriage and it's sickness, health, good times, bad and all that, but there are times when it is kinder on yourself and your children to cut your losses and divorce him. Stark but probably very necessary. I don't think he'd care too much anyway sorry to say. More freedom for him from family life and a wife who (in his eyes) is nagging and curtailing his socialising. He is probably waiting for you to make the first move to divorce anyway.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/03/2025 11:21

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 11:08

No they don’t but if that’s what the problem is here then he needs help. I married him so would it not make me the selfish one to say that it’s his problem? In sickness and in health and all that. If he doesn’t accept he has a problem then that’s different.

Show quote history

Actually no, I completely disagree with you here OP- massively.

As a family we recently received support ourselves in dealing with an alcoholic family member and the one thing they really drive into you is the 3 C’s- You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

Putting yourself, and importantly your children, first does not make you the selfish one. Staying in a situation where your kids watch dad/step dad disappear all day and then turn up mortal drunk in the middle of the night is far worse a fate.

He already doesn’t accept he has a problem, he’s doing this multiple times a month despite you asking him not to- he doesn’t care. He values the pub more than he values you, more than he values your children, more than the vows you made to each other.

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 11:21

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 06/03/2025 11:14

Oh ok, when you referred to him as a partner I assumed just a boyfriend, no marriage certificate.
Anyway, nope, there's no saving this, see AlAnon, it's solely on the alcoholic to choose to stop.

This will be impacting your kids, (Adverse Childhood Experience) and knowing their father doesn't want them. Have you spoken to them about him?

Sorry I should’ve been more specific in my post.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 06/03/2025 11:26

So, a husband who can't be bothered to parent his children and literally pisses family money away....

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 11:36

Semiramide · 06/03/2025 11:26

So, a husband who can't be bothered to parent his children and literally pisses family money away....

When put like that… Yes it seems I’m in denial that anything will ever change.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 06/03/2025 11:42

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 10:47

I know exactly what would happen here. I would nip out and if not back in an hour I would get a call or text asking how long I’d be. If I stayed out I would continue to get calls/texts asking if everything is ok and saying that he’s worried that something has happened. Anyway this doesn’t solve the real problem in that he is being selfish by heading out to the pub for hours on end at a time with no consideration for his family.

Show quote history

Then shrug it off like he does. If he says he was worried something had happened then you can point out that’s how you feel every single time he does this to you! If you hold a mirror up to his behaviour and he still can’t see how selfish it is then unfortunately he won’t change and then you have to decide if you can put up with it or not

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 11:44

Coconutter24 · 06/03/2025 11:42

Then shrug it off like he does. If he says he was worried something had happened then you can point out that’s how you feel every single time he does this to you! If you hold a mirror up to his behaviour and he still can’t see how selfish it is then unfortunately he won’t change and then you have to decide if you can put up with it or not

Show quote history

I know I do have to decide.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 06/03/2025 11:47

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 10:14

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. In reading them I realised that I didn’t put in my original post that my partner left for work at around 7am, finished early (around 2) and headed to the pub where he remained until just before midnight before heading home. There was no pre arrangement, no text to say how long he’d be out. mentioned it was a regular occurrence and by regular I mean at least twice a month but there are also regular pub trips after work throughout the month albeit not as late, maybe 7 or 8. I have told him how I feel and that I don’t think a bit of consideration is too much to expect. He really does not see that there is a problem in what he is doing.

if there's no problem with what he's doing, then it's OK for you to do it?

Ok booking that in for next Tuesday, he's got the house, I'll be out from 7am till midnight. sorted.

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 11:53

toomuchfaff · 06/03/2025 11:47

if there's no problem with what he's doing, then it's OK for you to do it?

Ok booking that in for next Tuesday, he's got the house, I'll be out from 7am till midnight. sorted.

Show quote history

Except that if I were doing what he was doing there would be no booking it in. I get where you’re coming from though, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. In all seriousness it’s gone past the tit for tat stage. I think I’m done.

OP posts:
Roseshavethorns · 06/03/2025 12:00

I would have a huge problem with this for a number of reasons:

  1. I would be out of my mind with worry in case something had happened on the way home from work.
  2. I would be furious that he is spending a huge amount of money that we could be saving for our children's future/ holidays etc
  3. He is denying our children a normal family life with a father that is present in their lives.
  4. He is showing a complete lack of respect for you and your children
  5. He is slowly killing himself.
I don't know why you are putting up with this.
MrsBreadPitt · 06/03/2025 12:05

The most concerning issue here is that you’re questioning whether you are being unreasonable.

Honestly, do you really think it is unreasonable to expect your husband to recognise that he’s part of a team and that when he goes AWOL, you’re left to pick up the pieces?

Is it unreasonable to expect a basic level of courtesy and respect—that he lets you know where he is and checks in to see if you and the kids are okay?

He’s behaving like a single man, and you seem to have been passive in accepting it.

This is completely unacceptable behavior for anyone in a relationship, let alone a father with responsibilities to his children.

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 12:12

Roseshavethorns · 06/03/2025 12:00

I would have a huge problem with this for a number of reasons:

  1. I would be out of my mind with worry in case something had happened on the way home from work.
  2. I would be furious that he is spending a huge amount of money that we could be saving for our children's future/ holidays etc
  3. He is denying our children a normal family life with a father that is present in their lives.
  4. He is showing a complete lack of respect for you and your children
  5. He is slowly killing himself.
I don't know why you are putting up with this.

I don’t know either

OP posts:
maximalistmaximus · 06/03/2025 12:29

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 10:14

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. In reading them I realised that I didn’t put in my original post that my partner left for work at around 7am, finished early (around 2) and headed to the pub where he remained until just before midnight before heading home. There was no pre arrangement, no text to say how long he’d be out. mentioned it was a regular occurrence and by regular I mean at least twice a month but there are also regular pub trips after work throughout the month albeit not as late, maybe 7 or 8. I have told him how I feel and that I don’t think a bit of consideration is too much to expect. He really does not see that there is a problem in what he is doing.

Omg what a selfish git.

Bin him.

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 13:17

maximalistmaximus · 06/03/2025 12:29

Omg what a selfish git.

Bin him.

Show quote history

Yeh, because it’s that simple!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 13:38

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, comments and advice. I know what I need to do. I think I always did but I’ve put up with it all for so long I was doubting myself. I love my husband but this needs to stop.

OP posts:
Shintoland · 06/03/2025 13:43

@MrsBreadPitt "The most concerning issue here is that you’re questioning whether you are being unreasonable."

This. Also, whether or not he agrees that what his doing is "objectively" unreasonable (it is), you have asked him to keep you informed/discuss it and he's given you a contemptuous, flat "no". That disregard for your feelings when you are making a reasonable request AND when you are looking after his children is a whole next level of FU.

There are scenarios where not being in touch in that time would be fine, but they'd all rely on your knowing consent.

Spidey66 · 06/03/2025 14:26

If he was going to the pub once a week or so with colleagues, there for about 2-3 hours, and letting you know, I'd be ok with that.

But frequently, from 2pm till closing time, no not ok. That indicates an alcohol problem and a total disrespect for you.

altmember · 06/03/2025 14:48

A couple of times a month isn't that bad. Most people with young children would rather be at home with their family at this stage of life, but occasional downtime is ok too. Although I'd imagine someone who's spent that long in the pub (drinking alcohol presumably), wouldn't be much good for anything for most of the day after? Not clear exactly how often the other pub visits are, but once a fortnight isn't really excessive.

The important thing is that you're getting equal free time to do your own thing as well, which sounds unlikely. So find something to do for yourself and disappear til midnight a few times. I'm sure he won't mind at all...

Natty13 · 06/03/2025 14:49

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 10:14

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. In reading them I realised that I didn’t put in my original post that my partner left for work at around 7am, finished early (around 2) and headed to the pub where he remained until just before midnight before heading home. There was no pre arrangement, no text to say how long he’d be out. mentioned it was a regular occurrence and by regular I mean at least twice a month but there are also regular pub trips after work throughout the month albeit not as late, maybe 7 or 8. I have told him how I feel and that I don’t think a bit of consideration is too much to expect. He really does not see that there is a problem in what he is doing.

Do it to him then, he'll soon understand!

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 14:51

Spidey66 · 06/03/2025 14:26

If he was going to the pub once a week or so with colleagues, there for about 2-3 hours, and letting you know, I'd be ok with that.

But frequently, from 2pm till closing time, no not ok. That indicates an alcohol problem and a total disrespect for you.

I agree, a couple of hours with colleagues, a few times a month, fine. Every other week for hours on end and longer than he’s actually spent at work that day, not ok. Would also be nice if there was some consideration in picking the kids up if he’s finished early and maybe letting me go out for a few drinks with work colleagues on the odd occasion.

OP posts:
bettydavieseyes · 06/03/2025 14:53

Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 10:14

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. In reading them I realised that I didn’t put in my original post that my partner left for work at around 7am, finished early (around 2) and headed to the pub where he remained until just before midnight before heading home. There was no pre arrangement, no text to say how long he’d be out. mentioned it was a regular occurrence and by regular I mean at least twice a month but there are also regular pub trips after work throughout the month albeit not as late, maybe 7 or 8. I have told him how I feel and that I don’t think a bit of consideration is too much to expect. He really does not see that there is a problem in what he is doing.

How rude and disrespectful he is! Not even a text?! Yikes. Yanbu, I couldn't stand this!

Elektra1 · 06/03/2025 15:01

I'm divorced now but even when we were married, if ex was going out after work unplanned I'd get a text "going for drinks with X" and then if she wasn't home by 11pm I'd call/text to see what was happening. I wasn't happy with even that! Just the assumption that she could decide in the moment to not be at home for bedtime and I'd pick up the slack.

There are a few things you can do depending on how hard you want to go, but the least aggressive option would be to do the same yourself on the weekend. Say you're popping to the shops for milk and then just go off and do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Don't respond to texts. When you get back and he goes off about it, point out the similarities in the fact pattern from what he regularly does without thought.

Or you could tell him to shape up or ship out.

Original poster
Lostgirl81 · 06/03/2025 15:56

Elektra1 · 06/03/2025 15:01

I'm divorced now but even when we were married, if ex was going out after work unplanned I'd get a text "going for drinks with X" and then if she wasn't home by 11pm I'd call/text to see what was happening. I wasn't happy with even that! Just the assumption that she could decide in the moment to not be at home for bedtime and I'd pick up the slack.

There are a few things you can do depending on how hard you want to go, but the least aggressive option would be to do the same yourself on the weekend. Say you're popping to the shops for milk and then just go off and do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Don't respond to texts. When you get back and he goes off about it, point out the similarities in the fact pattern from what he regularly does without thought.

Or you could tell him to shape up or ship out.

Yep it’s the assumption that I’ll deal with the kids so he can just do as he pleases.
I’m going with the shape up it ship out method.

OP posts:
MissHemsworth · 06/03/2025 16:00

Find a way to start doing the same to him. He'll soon realise what you mean.

notatinydancer · 06/03/2025 16:24

No. He'd be coming home to a locked door.
How dare he opt out of parenting without even having the decency to let you know.