I've re-written this so many times. I'm really worried the person in question might see my thread, because I'm sure she's on Mumsnet. Or that it will get shared to FB. No real reason why it should, but it would make the whole situation worse I suppose if anyone identified me.
I'm divorced. Was with XH twenty years and spent a lot of time with his family. Godmother to a DN on his side (relevant).
Ex-SIL has a habit of wording invitations so that you know you're meant to decline. I know this, rather than just suspect it, because I once declined one of these and another member of extended family didn't, and ex-SIL commented on them not getting the hint. I don't really like this approach, but wasn't bothered on that occasion as I didn't want to go to the event anyway.
XH and I separated seven years ago. Not on good terms. He lied to me throughout our relationship about something pretty fundamental and I have a really low tolerance for deceit these days.
Ex-SIL kept in touch quite regularly to begin with. Then when XH's new partner came on the scene, things cooled off a bit. I accepted that it's hard after a divorce and there was probably pressure from XH to accept new partner and not keep up a relationship with me. I was saddened, but realistic enough to think it wasn't really personal, just family politics.
About three years ago, Ex-SIL invited me to a family event. Couldn't tell if this was a coded invitation that I was expected to decline or a genuine invitation offering me a way out of seeing all the extended ex-in-law family. Decided to proceed as if genuine. Response was basically along the lines of "oh no, we don't expect you to come all this way, blah, blah, blah" and effectively uninviting me. I was hurt. If she'd called and said she wanted to invite me but it wasn't the right time and this was not an event where she could handle family tension, I would have understood. I was hurt that she chose this method of inviting but not actually inviting me (and directly uninviting me when I chose to read the invitation as genuine).
I backed away from the relationship. I still send gifts to all DNs for birthdays, Christmas etc. but I don't initiate contact with ex-SIL. Since the "uninvited" thing, ex-SIL has twice suggested meeting up, and cancelled both times. The last time was also because it was going to inconvenience me (I would have worked something out, she said it would be inconvenient to me so wasn't going to work this time). I'm a bit sick of what feels like fake niceness and pretending to want to see me but then not actually going ahead
Now I've unexpectedly received an invitation to DN3's First Holy Communion. I'm one of the godparents so maybe it's not that surprising. However, given the history, I thought I was just being faded out. The invitation looks genuine. No coded/handy excuses included. It even includes my new partner (don't think he can go, so it would be me facing all ex-in-laws alone). It's on a weekend when my own DC are with me.
Cynical me thinks they'd be embarrassed if a godparent didn't show up. Or they already know from XH that DC will be with me on that date so they think they have to invite me. I would never prevent XH taking DC to a family event in "my" time. I'm not a dick.
What does Mumsnet think? This invitation has reminded me how hurt I was when I realised I wasn't really invited to the past event. I haven't viewed ex-SIL as warmly since. I felt tricked and it left me feeling foolish. On the other hand, DN3 hasn't done anything wrong and it's their day. The DNs are still my DC's cousins.
What would you do? Would you address the uninviting thing to clear the air and be able to go? Just accept ex-SIL is a bit sneaky with these things and go, taking the moral high ground? Politely decline? Or is this coded wording of invitations acceptable, and this latest one is probably genuine if that's how it appears, i.e. they do actually want me at this?