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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So disappointed - revealed his true colours

66 replies

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 21:41

About 5 months ago I struck up an online friendship with a guy, which soon became quite intense. There was lots of flirting and sexy messages, we enjoyed sharing pictures etc. We have exchanged messages more or less constantly over the last five months, every day. We live quite some distance apart, and have spoken a lot about meeting up but it never happened. The one time it almost did, he was the one who was less keen for it to be a hookup and said he would prefer to just meet for a drink the first time. This is despite him being the main instigator of the sexual conversations, referring to me as his FWB etc. To be clear, neither of us has been looking for a relationship at any point, and the whole thing has just been for fun, albeit very intense.

Last night we were sexting and I fell asleep. This morning I apologised, but he didn't reply or message me for the rest of the day (which has never happened before). This evening I sent him a voice note saying I hoped he was not annoyed with me because I hadn't meant to fall asleep, and explaining that I'm absolutely exhausted at the moment. He replied to the voice note saying "no need to huff and puff in your voice note, [offensive word for a masculine woman]"

I am not a very feminine woman in general - I have long hair and wear dresses etc but I don't wear makeup and some of my interests might be considered masculine. I feel like this is such a slap in the face, and for me there is no coming back from it. It hasn't knocked my confidence at all - I'm happy with who I am and have plenty of male attention if I want it - but god it really hurts that he's become such a part of my life for the last five months and now I realise that this is the sort of person he is! And has been thinking that about me all along. Why pretend to be attracted to me if he clearly wasn't?! The ego boost, I'm guessing.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this really, I just need to get it off my chest before I go to bed I think. Just what an utter pillock!!

OP posts:
Qwee · 05/03/2025 21:44

I'm sorry OP, that is disappointing.
What a nasty prick.
Bulket dodged for sure.

AFairDistance · 05/03/2025 21:47

Honestly, OP, you never even met this man. I think if either of you had really wanted to, it would have happened, and you’d probably have realised he was just a temporarily useful situational fantasy. Now he’s emerged as an idiot, I can imagine it stings, but mostly because he’s ripped up the fantasy. I hope you were careful about sending photos to him, now that he’s shown his true misogynist colours?

WrylyAmused · 05/03/2025 21:48

It doesn't make it any better, but it could just be an autocorrect fail, given what sprang to mind first was butch/bitch.

He's still a massive dick for using language like that, but it isn't necessarily referencing masculinity.

If it was dyke or similar then yeah, he's the dick you thought he was.

GentlemanJay · 05/03/2025 21:49

It all sounds like hard work to me. Either meet up or forget about it. All that time spend communicating and it may come to nothing.

DarkMagicStars · 05/03/2025 21:49

Probably had his wank and lost interest. Sorry

MagicPharmacist · 05/03/2025 21:50

What word?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 05/03/2025 21:50

Ugh, you're well rid of him.

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 21:50

WrylyAmused · 05/03/2025 21:48

It doesn't make it any better, but it could just be an autocorrect fail, given what sprang to mind first was butch/bitch.

He's still a massive dick for using language like that, but it isn't necessarily referencing masculinity.

If it was dyke or similar then yeah, he's the dick you thought he was.

Thank you all for the kind replies.

Yeah, it was the latter word. I questioned why he'd call me that and he simply said "for fun". Twat.

OP posts:
GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 21:52

GentlemanJay · 05/03/2025 21:49

It all sounds like hard work to me. Either meet up or forget about it. All that time spend communicating and it may come to nothing.

The thing is, it wasn't hard work, and I don't think either of us would have minded if it never came to anything more than it was. It was so fun while it lasted and I'm really going to bloody miss it Sad

OP posts:
Foxlovesfruit · 05/03/2025 21:52

Are you sure he meant it in that way? I always thought 'huff and ouff' meant someone was annoyed. Either way, his reaction to you falling asleep is rude and a red flag in its own right.

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 21:53

Foxlovesfruit · 05/03/2025 21:52

Are you sure he meant it in that way? I always thought 'huff and ouff' meant someone was annoyed. Either way, his reaction to you falling asleep is rude and a red flag in its own right.

He called me a dy*e...

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 05/03/2025 21:58

@GoldenKitty36

Ah, rock the dyke energy! I'm sometimes fairly masculine dressing, have longish hair & don't do make up, enjoy stereotypical "masculine" things. I embrace my inner dyke, it's an edgy and cool vibe to me!

I'd just think - "ah, screw you, I'm both more of a man and more of a woman than you'll ever be, petty little man-child"

BansheeOfTheSouth · 05/03/2025 21:58

@GoldenKitty36 There are hundreds of men that only want a sexting relationship with no intention of ever meeting up and they dont need to be attracted to the person either. Interactive porn. A lot of them are married.

You've dodged a bullet. Don't let him destroy your self esteem. He's the problem.

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:02

WrylyAmused · 05/03/2025 21:58

@GoldenKitty36

Ah, rock the dyke energy! I'm sometimes fairly masculine dressing, have longish hair & don't do make up, enjoy stereotypical "masculine" things. I embrace my inner dyke, it's an edgy and cool vibe to me!

I'd just think - "ah, screw you, I'm both more of a man and more of a woman than you'll ever be, petty little man-child"

Thank you, that is exactly how I feel! You sound a lot like me actually 😄
Anyone who doesn't appreciate the way I am can do one, quite frankly. No loss whatsoever. Definitely feeling the loss of the friendship I thought it was, though. So bloody disappointed.

OP posts:
Msmoonpie · 05/03/2025 22:02

Sounds your average prick sadly.

Bet he’s married and was just enjoying leading you on and flirting.

Hemlocked · 05/03/2025 22:03

Bloody hell. Dodged a bullet. Very disappointing.

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:04

BansheeOfTheSouth · 05/03/2025 21:58

@GoldenKitty36 There are hundreds of men that only want a sexting relationship with no intention of ever meeting up and they dont need to be attracted to the person either. Interactive porn. A lot of them are married.

You've dodged a bullet. Don't let him destroy your self esteem. He's the problem.

Thank you. I know you're right. It was a lot more than the sexting though. Many days we'd exchange lots of messages about all sorts of random things. He was very funny and, I thought, like-minded Sad

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 05/03/2025 22:04

Msmoonpie · 05/03/2025 22:02

Sounds your average prick sadly.

Bet he’s married and was just enjoying leading you on and flirting.

Agree. Online is full of attached men who just want to get their wank bank filled with a gallery of pics.

Hope you were careful with the pics you sent a stranger online OP and didn’t include your face

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:06

Unfortunately he has seen my face, but I was always careful to keep the nudes anonymous (even blurred out the background to avoid anything identifying)

OP posts:
CaptainBeanThief · 05/03/2025 22:07

"huff and puff" means like when you sound "annoyed" or your tone of voice sounds off? And like a lot of sighing in your voice note between sentences ?

Are you northern or is he? We use that a lot up here my husband always says stop huffing and puffing and vice versa when we are bickering or being moody?
Or did he actually call you a dyke?

BansheeOfTheSouth · 05/03/2025 22:08

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:04

Thank you. I know you're right. It was a lot more than the sexting though. Many days we'd exchange lots of messages about all sorts of random things. He was very funny and, I thought, like-minded Sad

Some of them are very charming. They wouldn't get what they wanted otherwise.

I've encountered many of them, they instantly disappeared when they were told I don't send nude pics to strangers. Ever. Dating apps are still full of them and Snapchat is the worst.

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:09

CaptainBeanThief · 05/03/2025 22:07

"huff and puff" means like when you sound "annoyed" or your tone of voice sounds off? And like a lot of sighing in your voice note between sentences ?

Are you northern or is he? We use that a lot up here my husband always says stop huffing and puffing and vice versa when we are bickering or being moody?
Or did he actually call you a dyke?

Edited

Yeah he called me a dyke

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 05/03/2025 22:10

Hmm - this reminds me of a situation I got into recently while on a break with my dp (we have since got back together).

When single,, I struck up a texting "relationship" with an old school friend I had a mutual attraction to decades ago (we have very loosely kept in touch since as Facebook friends -this was the first time we were both single).

We live a long way apart, so a meet up was always talked about but wasn't going to happen in any great rush. Still, we have lots in common, and I was lonely - i certainly found it comforting to have someone to message several times a day, who would send me voice notes, life advice about the minutiae of my day, some sexual chat (never got as far as sexting quite) - it was all great fun, and i did entertain some hopes, though my good friends kept (wisely as it happens) telling me not to read too much into it....

Then, one day, I told him about a decision I had made that he objected to for ethical reasons of his own. (I don't want to say what it was as it's outing, but nothing major - I hadn't murdered someone or voted for Trump or anything - quite a normal day to day choice that wouldn't offend 99% of people). He sent me two quite aggressive messages disagreeing with my choice - I responded relatively mildly, but explaining my decision - and that was it. Haven't heard a peep from him since.

It did feel like a big loss at the time, though as it happens, shortly after that DP and I rekindled so it would have come to an end anyway, as it wasn't the sort of friendship one could have while in a relationship.

BUT - the reason for this tedious backstory (sorry) - I then found out through mutual friends that he is actually in a relationship himself, and had been the whole time I had been having these online chats with him. Full disclosure - I knew all along there was a woman he was "seeing", but had been led to believe it was a non-exclusive FWB - I have since learned that it is very much a full on relationship, and that though they are currently long distance, she will be moving in with him shortly!

So I assume that he needed to clear the decks, and looked for an opportunity to "get rid of" me, as messaging me, voice-noting me etc, while living with another woman, would simply have been impossible.

And I wonder if this is the case with your guy, OP? That his sudden volte face is not about you at all, but if he actually wasn't available to begin with?

Regardless, the way he has dealt with it, and the language he has used, is idiotic and repulsive. But look at it this way - he has done you a favour. Would you want to waste any more of your precious time, chatting to a twat?

But I know it's painful. And a disappointment.

CaptainBeanThief · 05/03/2025 22:10

Well then, he's fucking horrible prick!

GoldenKitty36 · 05/03/2025 22:13

Eurgh, sorry it happened to you @Ilovelurchers 😫
Why are people like that??

This guy I am almost certain was single, for reasons I won't go into. Just an absolute prick.

OP posts: