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Original poster

Husband getting more religious and I'm not sure how I feel about it

82 replies

SayDoWhatNow · 05/03/2025 13:29

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years, married for 4. He is from Egypt and is Muslim. I am culturally Christian although philosophically/religiously humanist.

When we met, DH was not really a practicing Muslim. He would fast at Ramadan, but drank alcohol, ate pork and non-Halal meat, didn't pray, and we lived together for several years before getting married.

Before we married, we had lots of discussions about religion and faith, and we both felt that we have very similar underlying values, even if mine are humanist and his are faith-based. We also agreed that we would raise children as Muslim, so that when they are adults they have the cultural/religious knowledge to participate in faith-based events if they want to. In practice, this means that we do all the Christian and Muslim festivals, plus Halloween and everything else. He also tries to speak Arabic with DS (although really struggles with this when we're in the UK as he basically thinks in English); I'm also learning Arabic, which I enjoy - although basically have no time to work on this now that we have a child and a busy job.

In the past couple of years, since having our DS (nearly 3), he has been getting gradually more religious. He doesn't drink alcohol, no longer eats pork, and tries to pray 5 times a day. This year he has also sometimes been doing the extra Ramadan Taraweeh prayers.

Just to be clear, he's not fundamentalist at all, he doesn't want me to convert or anything and our DS is not circumcised. Similarly, if we had a DD he wouldn't expect her to ever wear a hijab. He's a very involved parent and does more than his share of household tasks and life admin / mental load.

Overall, I want to be supportive of his religious practice, as it's meaningful to him, and I think it's helping him feel positive about himself and his identity as a Muslim in the UK. When we first met, I felt like there was a big difference in how he behaved in the UK vs when we were in Egypt, and I think he's finding a way to be true to both those parts of himself, rather than switching based on context.

But I'm finding it hard that there is an increasing part of his life that I just don't relate to at all. And I'm starting to feel quite disconnected from him. Trying to talk about it doesn't really help because we both seem to get quite defensive quite easily. We've also had 2 pregnancy losses in the last 6 months and while he's found comfort in something around things being God's will I've found that alienating and upsetting (even though it's quite similar to saying that sometimes bad stuff just happens). I'm also anxious about him getting more like his dad, who is both very religious and very traditional/culturally conservative, in future - although in practice I think this is quite unlikely.

How can we work on feeling connected with each other again? I didn't expect such a big change in his religious practice and it feels strange to me.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/03/2025 04:49

SayDoWhatNow · 05/03/2025 23:45

@mathanxiety I think cultural context is important here: in Egypt it is very easy to be somewhere between culturally Muslim and relatively observant because the whole of society is set up to facilitate this. Schools and workplaces will observe all the daily prayers for example and there are prayer rooms and mosques all over the place. So in Egypt he had a degree of religious practice that was well within cultural norms.

In the UK, it's much more effort and more unusual to be a practicing Muslim and it forces this to be a much more salient part of your identity if you do practice. A corollary of that is that Muslim communities in the UK tend to be actually more observant/conservative than in Egypt, so it becomes quite all-or-nothing.

I think when DH first came to the UK he struggled to find the right balance for himself. He found most religious community spaces to be too conservative; and he wasn't used to practicing his religion solo in a culture where it's not deeply ingrained in the rhythms of daily life. That led to a period where he wasn't very observant at all.

Now he's found a different balance that is working more authentically for him. He also has friends who are similarly culturally liberal but still practice their faith. He's finding a middle ground and that's a good thing.

I think what this thread has really reminded me about is the importance of daily religious observances in both Islam and Judaism (and actually observant Catholicism), in a way that is maybe different from how people practice Christianity in the UK - where there is more of a focus on beliefs. So my expectation of what practicing a religion looks like is different from his. So my expectation was that you must have to be really religious (ie very culturally conservative too) if you are doing all the prayers. But actually, for someone from his cultural background it's a pretty normal level of observance and clearly in his case isn't associated with being socially conservative.

As a Catholic who went to the supermarket straight from Mass this morning with a cross marked on my forehead with ashes, because it's Ash Wednesday, yes, I agree with your observations, especially your expectation of and maybe discomfort about what a life that includes religion would look like. It doesn't necessarily involve cultural conservatism - that's more of a fundamentalist outlook.

Even from a purely religious pov, I wouldn't consider myself a zealot in any way, even though I'm sure I stuck out like a sore thumb today, and maybe people had questions about me. For me, going to Mass on Sundays and holy days, praying, and observing fast days is simply a part of life.

There are societies where people might not bat an eyelid at the sight of a woman with a smudge of ashes on her forehead because everyone else would have one too, and there are societies where people would ask if was ok, had I fallen, been in an accident, or whatever. I do think people who are not a part of an active religious life or are not used to seeing the level of ongoing participation at close quarters might find it all alien to some degree. Hopefully not alienating though.

But I also hope you're not feeling dismissed by the idea that miscarriages are God's plan (do you sense a subtext there of "so don't get too upset"?) and that you and your H can acknowledge feelings and the importance of feelings.

MidnightMusing5 · 06/03/2025 04:52

Leave it if bothers you so much. Let him live his life, you live yours.

MidnightMusing5 · 06/03/2025 04:54

So the only real change is is no alcohol pork and now prays but everything else the same .

lots of people for health reasons don’t consume alcohol or pork and still live with people who do.

This leads me to assume it’s the faith you have an issue with?

JSMill · 06/03/2025 11:29

SayDoWhatNow · 05/03/2025 23:45

@mathanxiety I think cultural context is important here: in Egypt it is very easy to be somewhere between culturally Muslim and relatively observant because the whole of society is set up to facilitate this. Schools and workplaces will observe all the daily prayers for example and there are prayer rooms and mosques all over the place. So in Egypt he had a degree of religious practice that was well within cultural norms.

In the UK, it's much more effort and more unusual to be a practicing Muslim and it forces this to be a much more salient part of your identity if you do practice. A corollary of that is that Muslim communities in the UK tend to be actually more observant/conservative than in Egypt, so it becomes quite all-or-nothing.

I think when DH first came to the UK he struggled to find the right balance for himself. He found most religious community spaces to be too conservative; and he wasn't used to practicing his religion solo in a culture where it's not deeply ingrained in the rhythms of daily life. That led to a period where he wasn't very observant at all.

Now he's found a different balance that is working more authentically for him. He also has friends who are similarly culturally liberal but still practice their faith. He's finding a middle ground and that's a good thing.

I think what this thread has really reminded me about is the importance of daily religious observances in both Islam and Judaism (and actually observant Catholicism), in a way that is maybe different from how people practice Christianity in the UK - where there is more of a focus on beliefs. So my expectation of what practicing a religion looks like is different from his. So my expectation was that you must have to be really religious (ie very culturally conservative too) if you are doing all the prayers. But actually, for someone from his cultural background it's a pretty normal level of observance and clearly in his case isn't associated with being socially conservative.

What exactly bothers you? My dh is Egyptian so I understand the context you are talking about it. In Egypt your dh would just be a normal bloke but to British people he seems really religious. My own dh would be considered pretty unreligious in Egypt but it still shocks some people that he fasts or goes to the mosque on Friday.
How does his becoming more religious affect you? Does he saying about how you dress? To me that would be unacceptable. What about not drinking alcohol? Is he ok with you drinking and is he ok with you socialising with people who do? My dh does drink and I would find it difficult to have a social life if I had a dh who wouldn't socialise with people who drink.
I understand some of your difficulties in raising your ds. It drives me mad that my dh speaks to my DCs in English. He also thinks in English- he even talks to himself in English! Unfortunately I can't advise you on that because we failed in that regard!

Original poster
SayDoWhatNow · 06/03/2025 12:35

@JSMill I think what I find hard is that now that I look back, DH's journey through his religious practice makes sense. But for the first 5 years or so of our relationship, religion was a very minor part of our life. Whereas now it is part of daily routine, which is a big change to get my head around.

I do honestly find navigating that socially a bit tricky - because in a British context, as you say, he looks very religious.

Generally, he's absolutely fine with what I do. Doesn't want me to alter what I wear in the UK (although can get really anxious about this in Egypt), doesn't mind if I drink alcohol when I socialize with friends, is fine going out with friends who are drinking etc. I've never been a big drinker, and it's not like I'm drinking anyway while TTC. So it's not that his religion is really imposing on me in any way.

It's more just that, like my friend who found it hard when her DP went veggie, I feel a bit sad that we have lots of happy memories of eg having a beer or a cocktail with friends on a summer evening, or a glass of mulled wine at Christmas, and we can't do that any more. Of course, we can still do those things in a different way and it was never the case that alcohol was a big part of our socializing. But it's still a change.

Similarly with food - I still eat pork sometimes if eg I buy a takeaway sandwich when I'm on my own, but we wouldn't cook it at home and it would feel weird to me to have a pack of salami or something in the fridge that only I am allowed to eat. That would be ridiculous and would feel unnecessarily divisive. So the reality is that at home we don't have pork. He's not currently strict about buying halal meat/chicken but if that changes, again that would be something that affects what we all buy and cook at home.

This year, Ramadan is not so hard because Iftaar is around 6pm, but in previous years I've needed to totally alter the structure of my day or we end up getting completely disconnected from each other. Although that I'm used to and signed up for because he's always fasted in Ramadan.

Overall, I think it's that scope creep that I'm finding tricky. Because how he wants to practice his religion either affects what we all do as a family, or we are doing things separately and both options leave me feeling a little sad.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 06/03/2025 14:11

@SayDoWhatNow - the thing is I think all these decisions have to be made collectively. You won't be TTC forever so what would be the situation after you complete your family? Are you not allowed to have a pack of cider in the fridge? Take your kids to the pub when they are 18? And if you aren't Muslim, there shouldn't be any expectation that you follow his dietary choices. I have many, many people who are living in a partially vegetarian household so some of the family eats meat and some doesn't. They all have meat in the house for the family members who want it, and the ones who don't just don't eat it. So I can't see why you couldn't cook pork or have salami (assuming you want to!)

My parents and brother keep kosher and are mostly vegetarian so that's what happens in their homes and we respect that - in our house we live our lives as we do and they adapt. We wouldn't cook a bunch of bacon for them (it would be wasteful anyway!) but we carry on having our normal diet. So I think this is something for you to think about - how much you are intending to live life by his rules and how much autonomy you get in your own life.

Xenia · 07/03/2025 13:28

Good discussion on the thread. One of my sons (now adult) may not call himself vegan but effectively has been for over 10 years (we don't cook together so it is a lot easier than if we were trying to have the same meals. So I certainly appreciate the impact it can have when someone changes.

The FLDS religion in the US is an interesting case in point. I have read some books about LDS members (mormons) where one hjalf of a couple become very very religious and go back to the 1800s practice of only 3 wives will get you to heaven (normal mormons of course are not allowed to practise that). So the issue is then does the woman (always the woman in these groups including Islam which also allows up to 4 wives) accept the husband takes the 2nd and future wives or they divorce over the issue. Some divorce and in other cases the spouse accepts the stricter beliefs, they read Joseph Smith's teachings etc together and grow together in their faith. (I have not found a religion yet where women can have 4 husbands and men only one but we live in hope....) Very few UK muslims however have more than one wife of course - it is a recipe for disaster and very expensive.

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