Husband getting more religious and I'm not sure how I feel about it

[SayDoWhatNow]

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years, married for 4. He is from Egypt and is Muslim. I am culturally Christian although philosophically/religiously humanist.

When we met, DH was not really a practicing Muslim. He would fast at Ramadan, but drank alcohol, ate pork and non-Halal meat, didn't pray, and we lived together for several years before getting married.

Before we married, we had lots of discussions about religion and faith, and we both felt that we have very similar underlying values, even if mine are humanist and his are faith-based. We also agreed that we would raise children as Muslim, so that when they are adults they have the cultural/religious knowledge to participate in faith-based events if they want to. In practice, this means that we do all the Christian and Muslim festivals, plus Halloween and everything else. He also tries to speak Arabic with DS (although really struggles with this when we're in the UK as he basically thinks in English); I'm also learning Arabic, which I enjoy - although basically have no time to work on this now that we have a child and a busy job.

In the past couple of years, since having our DS (nearly 3), he has been getting gradually more religious. He doesn't drink alcohol, no longer eats pork, and tries to pray 5 times a day. This year he has also sometimes been doing the extra Ramadan Taraweeh prayers.

Just to be clear, he's not fundamentalist at all, he doesn't want me to convert or anything and our DS is not circumcised. Similarly, if we had a DD he wouldn't expect her to ever wear a hijab. He's a very involved parent and does more than his share of household tasks and life admin / mental load.

Overall, I want to be supportive of his religious practice, as it's meaningful to him, and I think it's helping him feel positive about himself and his identity as a Muslim in the UK. When we first met, I felt like there was a big difference in how he behaved in the UK vs when we were in Egypt, and I think he's finding a way to be true to both those parts of himself, rather than switching based on context.

But I'm finding it hard that there is an increasing part of his life that I just don't relate to at all. And I'm starting to feel quite disconnected from him. Trying to talk about it doesn't really help because we both seem to get quite defensive quite easily. We've also had 2 pregnancy losses in the last 6 months and while he's found comfort in something around things being God's will I've found that alienating and upsetting (even though it's quite similar to saying that sometimes bad stuff just happens). I'm also anxious about him getting more like his dad, who is both very religious and very traditional/culturally conservative, in future - although in practice I think this is quite unlikely.

How can we work on feeling connected with each other again? I didn't expect such a big change in his religious practice and it feels strange to me.

What prejudice? Egypt is renowned for being misogynist - look up the stats on street harassment in Egypt.

He comes from a conservative background - it says that in the OP.

I haven't mentioned his religion.

Thank you @Anudawan - that actually made me cry and I really see how that would be a comfort! Now why he couldn't just have said that, I don't know!

And yes, he's a lovely man - kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, dedicated to his career and very hard working. And generally incredibly open minded and thoughtful - one of the few people I know who will genuinely reflect and change his mind on things when faced with new information.

I mean, he grew up in a country where it is illegal to be atheist and here he is married to me, so I think he's doing ok!

oh Come off it! You never would say that if she was married to a man named Carl from Florida (a red state)

that is a prejudice part and to sit back doe eyed and claim you never mentioned his religion is insincere because you know you were

You're making shit up to suit your narrative. You've got absolutely no idea whatsoever what I would say.its not me that comes across as a bigot - you're the one making unfounded assumptions.

I don’t want anything to do with any religion and certainly don’t want my DS exposed to it either. It would be a deal breaker for me and if faced with the same circumstances I’d leave him.

it is very beautiful, how I was taught to understand it as well when it comes to the end of times and the babies that didn’t make it (or children who passed, regardless of their religion btw) will be admitted to heaven, they will basically say, not without my mother and their intercession will be enough for Allah. I believe the phrase is the mother will be dragged to heaven by the umbilical cord, metaphorical of course, implying the tether between mother and child is eternal as is the love they share.

all children (those who didn’t make it earthside and the ones who left too soon) are in paradise, I think it is looked after by Abraham.

im glad it brought you comfort :)

there are also other things that i can imagine brought comfort to your husband in his grief such as Allah being with the patient etc.

But what you said was bigoted and very prejudice.

being dubious just because he’s from a Muslim country?

how he might possibly have different opinions to some family members who are misogynistic…. errrr the same way all people have different opinions

So you're doubling down on your prejudice. Your post was actually remarkably insulting to the OP - casting doubts about the authenticity of her actual marriage and suggesting that he's a misogynistic visa seeker, when nothing at all OP has said suggests this. You added 2 + 2 and got 5.

^this

"So I notice a certain amount of cognitive dissonance for DH in how he talks about his religious beliefs and practices, that makes it harder for us to discuss because it's difficult for him to think about critically evaluating them."

I think that is the crux of the issue. Why does he need to critically evaluate his faith? Faith is just that- it's a belief system in something larger than yourself, that you cannot understand. But you have faith in anyway.

You don't believe, so I guess in some ways, the idea of believing in something that you don't believe in, doesn't make sense. So you are asking him to explain something that perhaps can't be rationalised. Which is probably why he gets defensive. And you asking him to explain this....feeling, so you can understand, is probably not going to work. It's not uncommon for grieving people look for something larger than themselves to offer comfort.

You can derail the thread as much as you like with nonsensical accusations. The OP asked for people's opinions and I gave mine. If she finds my opinion insulting, she's entitled to ignore what I say.

Running around accusing people of prejudice and making assumptions doesn't make them look unintelligent.

However you carry on. I'm sure the OP is finding it very useful.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences of changing religious practice and belief in long term relationships. I really appreciate all the insights and reflections - it's really helping me to get to a more nuanced understanding of what is going on for us.

I also think perhaps my feeling of disconnection in the relationship is also reflecting a wider sense of disconnection and overwhelm with everything for me, because I'm still grieving the pregnancies I lost. I really didn't give myself enough time and space to grieve after the second loss and the past few months have been an endless grind of work and stress and exhaustion and anxiety. Plus parenting a fairly feisty toddler who was an extremely high-needs baby. We've genuinely had a very rough time and it's easy to just not connect meaningfully with each other when we're both exhausted and stressed and irritable already. Lots to work on there.

a heck of a lot more useful than your racist comments that implied he married her for a visa. Sorry but prejudice needs to be called out

I could not live with someone who is strongly religious and blindly follows all kind of 'rules'.

It does not matter if they are Christian, Jewish or Muslim.

I think that the majority of religions promote intolerance, misogyny and homophobia.

Many people face this issue. And not just with religion. If you uptake anything, from a new diet to a new sport. Anyone any age can chose to become more religious. At a young age, a teen, older, pre or post marriage. It invariably means growing apart from the person they are with, or family members. I literally can't see a solution to this.

Addressing your ACTUAL concern which is feeling disconnected and NOT fundamentalism as some PP seem to be insisting is an issue…is this really that different to him having a hobby/interest that you don’t share? You’re both allowed to be “into” different things. If you have no concerns around fundamentalism, or him trying to convert you, having more extreme views etc then what’s the problem?

If he was into football and watched games on TV without you and went to matches without you would that mean you are disconnected?

As for trying to pin him down on his exact beliefs…I think that’s very unfair. Most people can’t fully articulate their religious beliefs. I was in Dubai recently and could barely move without being offered an alcoholic beverage but you cannot find any pork products anywhere. It’s a really odd place to draw a line and it makes no sense but that’s religion for you 🤷‍♀️ It’s mostly just vibes 😂 This feels right to me but that’s doesn’t. I don’t know why.

Hurting animals is wrong, them being slaughtered so you can eat them is fine. Divorce your husband for doing a bit of coke but you were smoking like a chimney and falling down drunk with the girls at the weekend. We all have conflicting beliefs. It isn’t something to worry about.

You've been asked before but you haven't responded so I'll ask again: have you actually talked to him about all of this. What does he say when you do?

@Silentdream If one parent follows a certain religion though, children will still be exposed to it whether the parents stay together or not, won’t they? Unless the religious parent never sees the child.

I’m just thinking of my own situation- if DH and I split up, I couldn’t prevent them from being exposed to his religion when they’re with him. Same on my end, he couldn’t stop me from teaching them about my religious views if I had strong ones.

To the author of this reply, I really wanted to say thankyou for drawing something out which has been bothering me in a lot of the replies because I don't think the conclusions would be leapt to so enthusiastically if it was any other religion under discussion here. At no point does OP raise concerns about her husband adopting fundamentalist traits, in fact, she goes to great lengths to explain why this is extremely unlikely to ever be the case, with signficiant amounts of patience and good cheer as she repeats herself. The issue she is concerned about is one of connection to her partner as he explores different ways of connecting to his faith. Outside the comments which are outright offensive/prejudiced (visa marriage and baptising your kids Christian as a safeguard ffs?!) i think if reading 'Muslim' makes people jump to ideas of radicalisation/fundamentalism, they need to log off the Daily Mail for a bit and go chat to some Muslims in real life. I don't think hand on heart the OP would receive the same assumptions if she was talking about a husband becoming more Christian, or Buddhist. I also think that people ticking OP off for agreeing to raise kids with Muslim principles is a bit off too - many people do that in this and other western countries with eg Christianity or Judaism without receiving the same patronising responses.

To OP @SayDoWhatNow I wanted to express my condolences for your pregnancy losses and also to say that the way you spoke in your posts and replies about your husband really touched me - they are filled with so much warmth and appreciation for your husband and it's clear that you really make efforts to 'see' him. This leaves me in no doubt that if open communication continues you can find the pathway through this. I'm sorry I can't offer any actual wise words on the subject myself but I don't have religion. I wish you all the best.

Would you have this concern if he was a Christian who had started practicing Catholicism more strictly? This comes across as quite Islamophobic to be honest, even if that's not your intention.

Children aren't confused by hearing about and experiencing different faiths. Overwhelmingly dc are far more accepting than adults.
Loads of dc have one parent with a faith and another with none.

Also, as has already been said, many , many people change over their lives and develop new interests , or become more involved with new things ,

I'm Jewish and my husband is atheist / Christian. We've been together since we were teenagers and very early on in the relationship had a serious talk about religion (as much of my family disowned me for marrying 'out'). I would self define as culturally Jewish but it was intensely important to me that any children we had would be Jewish. He wasn't bothered and we agreed this.

I don't honestly think he really understood what this meant to me and it's been harder than either of us pictured to have a 3/4 Jewish household who shares his Christian holidays. I'm not religious in the sense of praying (we don't go to synagogue), but the celebrations and food and culture are an inherent part of me and it's super important for me to pass them along to my children. I can't explain why. I can't explain why I both wouldn't say there's a G-d but also I light candles every Friday night. I don't know why I couldn't let my kids have the Santa experience. It is just... visceral. Faith and family and tradition is really hard to explain.

It is sometimes like there's a team of us and a team of him - though sometimes his team is winning just based on us living in a Christian society. It's been more complicated than we pictured 25 years ago! (And for what it's worth it did get more important to me after we also had 2 miscarriages)

It's obvious you and your husband love each others and want to make it work. I think you might just have to stop trying to understand though and just accept it as a hobby - like if he suddenly got super into baking or cross fit or whatever. Something you can appreciate is important to him but not share? That's kind of where my husband and I ended up. He neither helps nor infringes on what I'm doing with the kids and I try not to make it intrusive.

I would keep an open dialogue with him though as there is that part of all religions that has lots to say about relationships with people outside that religion and he might be struggling with that himself.

the child could be baptised now into Christianity

How ridiculous. The child is 2 FFS! Stop forcing your kids into religion. They will find their own path in life.

OP, bring him up in your Humanist faith - or teach him none.

I was married to a Muslim and have a fabulous son. His dad didn't want circumcision for him either.

I love it that there are Muslims AND Christians in his family. It's no problem at all.

Of course the marriage didn't work out as he was rather controlling. But same with most men. In my experience anyway. In my 60's....

Just make sure he doesn't do a runner back to Egypt with your son.

Is he doing Ramadan?

Children aren’t confused. I grew up in a Hindu and Christian household. There were no difficulties and it was totally normal.

My friend married a Muslim from eygpt he’s been here 30 years 3 children eldest girl is gay he won’t have her or girlfriend in the house my friend has stayed with him but I think she’s between a rock and hard place