Dating MAMILS - Are the midlife adventure seekers to be embraced?

[SpokeTheBear]

I am recently back on the dating scene and, after some definite frogs, have connected well with a guy: interesting and attractive. (I know, gold dust).

However, I am filled with a cold terror about this adventure sport thing. Much conversation and focus is on extreme sports, particularly cycling (after work trips, weekend trips, holiday trips). I am not exactly sure why things didn’t work out in his last relationship but it is possible that this played a part.

Do I need to put this in the bin now?

No! It's good to have interests and to keep fit and do exciting things. I personally like people who have a passion. He's sounds great - keep!

Personally I could not go out with a Mamil - I find them really annoying in their skintight gear hogging country roads when I am trying to get to work!

It's fine so long as you are a person with independent interests and a needy limpet.

Not a needy limpet

Do you enjoy the same things? If not, maybe you need to look for someone more suitable and compatible. I mean, if I was single and mostly childfree because my ex was presumably doing the bulk of the parenting, I’d be out doing the sports and activities I enjoy too, including after work, on the weekends, I’d be travelling and doing it. I do that now, but in a much more muted way (because I have Dh and dc to consider). If my time was all my own though, I’d be off doing loads, definitely not sitting at home watching tv after work. But I think if he’s into that sort of stuff, he’s probably going to be most compatible with someone who wants to do the same things. If that’s going to be annoying, then I’d give this one a miss.

Depends on what he looks like in Lycra!
If you just want something casual with a partner that spends a lot of time on his interests then that’s fine. If it means you don’t get to see him very often and you want to, then it could be an issue. Perhaps something to discuss to see if you want the same thing out of a relationship?
See how it goes for a bit longer. There doesn’t seem to be an actual issue yet?

Yeah - hot in Lycra, and plenty of opportunity to check out how hot as there are many pictures of him in said Lycra. He is certainly fit.

You are right that there isn’t an issue yet and it is all good while casual (probably). But MN is full of the horrors of MAMILs and this is a specimen for sure.

There is no way I am going to join in with this sport (he’s too far ahead and I am not committed enough). I don’t think I mind hearing about it, at some length. But will I inevitably feel resentful, jealous or just plain weirded out by his passion for this hobby?

Assuming that we aren't talking about obsessives here, aren't you better off dating people who look at their fitness and aren't falling apart physically?

I think this is exactly the issue @TomPinch - I can see that it is healthy to be working out but I think it is also quite obsessive.

I also don’t know if the photos thing is just a bit of middle-age insecurity about, well, being middle aged.

My husband is a mamil-doing a leg of Tour de France. He does about 4 x1 hour slots after work and a long ride on a Saturday morning. He wfh mostly and cooks so is usually don’t when I get in from work. On Saturdays he gets up at the crack of dawn and is fine by lunchtime. He has been on a couple of weekends away on his own and I’ve gone on a couple but he only rides one morning and after I’ve had a swim/gagas breakfast-he’s home! It’s fine.

Depends on your intentions: marriage, children? Probably not for you then, as leopards or indeed mamils don't tend to change their spots.

I come across hundreds of cyclists. Every single last one of them has been entitled and arrogant on the road. I wouldn't consider this gold dust whatsoever.

If Middle aged or older, they need hobbies. Otherwise they just get obsessed with lawn moss or mither you about stuff you don’t want to deal with right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard cycling refers to as an extreme sport! Cycling is a great way of keeping fit and the weight off. Have you ever dated anyone sporty? They are usually healthier, drink less alcohol and are generally more adventurous in terms of travel, it just sometimes (often) involves a location that’s good for cycling; thankfully most locations good for cycling are beautiful. Think south of France or Italy. Up to you if that’s your thing.

I am not sure whether you're talking about recreational cyclists specifically, but as a commuting cyclist, I find I have to be pretty possessive about my rights as space on the road so I don't get knocked off and seriously injured by a careless motorist.

Cyclists are as entitled to space on the road as anyone. Read the Highway Code.

Wouldn't put me off at all. Although I'm not a fan of the Lycra look. But great he has a hobby and keeps fit

Or he could just be proud of his figure, and proud of the hard work that's gone into it.

There's no easy answer. Keeping fit over a certain age does require time and dedication, and that can take over a person's life a bit. It really depends on how you find him.

Honestly, a lot of proof talk about MAMILS as though wearing lycra is a vanity thing, but if you spend any time on a push bike putting a bit of effort in you will soon realise it's a necessity - chafing is a real thing!

Cycling is good for physical and mental health. I think the only reason it gets looked down on is when men use it as an excuse to get out of the house and avoid childcare. As long as that's not a factor I don't see the issue, surely it beats doom scrolling on phones or going down the pub?

I am with a cyclist, I'm nowhere near his fitness level but we do go out for some pootles off road and I can see the appeal of the time outdoors and seeing some nice countryside.

I find Mamils deeply unattractive but in general it's way better to have a man with interests who keeps fit than a decaying couch potato. My issue with mamils (apart from the lycra and road hogging) is that they are often a bit obsessed, wanting only to train, talk about cycling or bikes. It takes up all weekend, and women end up being cycling widows. If he is also up for other adventures - travelling with you, hiking or wild swimming with you, gigs, shows, exhibitions etc, not just hitting the road with his cycling mates, then it's a good thing, not a bad one.

Cycling is not an extreme sport 😂😂😂

I think it can be!

I think it depends how obsessive he is about his hobby (regardless of whether it’s extreme sports or chess!) and if he will compromise his hobby time to make some space for a girlfriend / partner. Keep it casual and see how things pan out in the medium term.

I used to be an obsessive gym person, with a high pressure full time job and a competitive time-consuming sport - rowing - for a ‘hobby’ (training at the rowing club a minimum of 2 weeknights plus both weekend mornings as well as out from 6am to midnight quite a few Saturdays when I was competing, all on top of gym sessions / other rowing, and er, my actual job). For the right man I made time although it helped when he was a member of my gym / worked with me etc. But it didn’t work with anyone less active obsessed who wanted romantic nights in/out and to do lots together as a ‘couple’.

DH is a Mamil. He has pulled back a bit after it really interfered with family life (2 young dc) but it is still quite a pain tbh. And yes I do have my own fitness based hobbies.
It takes out the night before as he is planning his route, getting his hydration/fueling ready, double checking the bike readiness, setting up his gear and breakfast, the morning of from 5am ish through to 9.30 ish, then all the post ride stuff- washing the bike and putting it away, foam rolling, massage gunning, making an appropriate recovery meal etc. he's not really available for family life until 12.30ish. Then he's shattered by 2pm from the early start and longer ride so afternoons are tricky, and we can't really do anything that night as he's exhausted. Depending on how intense the ride was this may carry over to Sunday too.
He has an indoor trainer to get in a few extra rides. It's noisy, intrusive and messy (puddles of sweat.
He's often incapable of holding a conversation that isn't about splits, bike gear/tech, other people's splits, events, etc
So if it borders on the obsessive it can really be quite impactful and boring if they eat/sleep/breathe cycling...

What do you find unattractive about Lycra? Surely if he’s in good shape it’s nice? Better than the normal model face beer belly! Admittedly there are some that look awful but I guess they are just getting started like newbies at the gym. All need to start somewhere.
i wonder do people find cyclist as objectionable as horse riders? I have a horse and it takes up far more of my time that cycling takes of DH’s and unlike cycling the horse requires daily work. When our kids are young he gave up citing outside for about 3 years and just did the odd not in the garage but I still spent a lot of time down the yard.